Starry Eyed Inside
by Rochelle Allison
Summary: High School Fictional. No one sends Bella into a tailspin quite like Edward Cullen... but can she make him hers? The ups and downs and all arounds.
1. Are You In?

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my beta, Nic. te adoro._

**this is highschool as i knew it. there will be a lot of shenanigans, especially of the herbal persuasion. if this bothers you, well, i apologize in advance.**

* * *

**infatuation**

_noun_

1.

a foolish and usually extravagant passion or love or admiration

2.

temporary love of an adolescent [syn: puppy love]

3.

an object of extravagant short-lived passion

* * *

Attraction's random and it's fickle. I mean, we can't help who we're attracted to. If we could, we'd make smarter choices, using our heads and not our hearts. We also don't choose _when_ it happens. The only certainty is that it _will _happen, at one point or another.

I'd imagine some of us fall more frequently than others –like me. I'm the textbook example of the hopeless romantic, in love with love like Romeo before he met Juliet.

But none of these lofty pontifications – pretentious crap –prepared me for Edward Cullen.

I was fourteen when I first saw him.

I was at an outdoor concert with friends, standing around on the itchy, damp grass, when the girl in front of us turned around. It was Rose's cousin Heidi, and kind of a coincidence that she was there at all. She was a little older than us and went to a different school with a completely different scene going on. She and Rose talked back a forth a minute, shouting over the music while Alice and I swayed and sang along to some cover band's emo lament.

Eventually the guy with Heidi turned around to see who she was talking to.

Tall, lanky and lean. Skin somehow both creamy _and_ gold. Hair messy and awesome and weird, like it didn't know what color it wanted to be: sunsets or pennies.

I made the mistake of looking up when I should have been looking down, or to the left –or anywhere else – and saw his face and that was it.

Squashed like a bug on the highway of love.

We've all heard of love at first sight. Yeah, that's lust. But when you're fourteen and starry-eyed innocent, it's _love_. The world spins faster, leaving you dizzy and desperate. When I think about that day I remember the feeling of my stomach falling out from under me, and how I'd never, ever felt anything like it.

He barely saw me but I sure saw him.

We found out later that his name was Edward Cullen and, like Heidi, he was a sophomore at Martin County High, the rival school.

I stared at the back of his head for the rest of the night.

Alice sweetly indulged my gushing on the way home, same as she'd done for years. This was our typical M.O. – I'd talk and she'd listen. She was used to my falling in love every few months, but it was usually with movie stars, not real people.

* * *

Summertime on the Treasure Coast meant everyone was in chill mode, hanging out at the beach or the mall, so I saw Edward from time to time. Sometimes I saw him with his friends, sometimes with a girl.

It didn't matter. Just seeing him made my mouth go dry… my heart pound… my stomach clamp up.

And I liked it.

Like all good things though, summer break flew by way too quickly and before we knew it, we were staring ninth grade in the face.

A group of us decided to have one last hurrah before school started the following week. Alice and I got her brother to bring us to the beach since he was going fishing anyway. He dropped us off at a little stretch along the Intracoastal, saying he'd be back for us later.

We laid out our towels and slathered on the sunscreen. Jessica and Lauren showed up with wine coolers they'd swiped from Lauren's mom and we spent the next hour drinking them and wondering what high school was going to be like.

Alice got the giggles because our mouths were stained from the strawberry daiquiri flavor. She took a few pictures with her phone and was digging around for the camera when we heard obnoxiously loud booming bass in the near distance.

Seconds later a pickup truck with a bunch of boys in the back cruised by, extra slow. They practically erupted when they saw us, whistling and catcalling and acting like idiots. Maybe I liked it, maybe I didn't, but I damn near pissed my pants when I saw Edward Cullen with all those boys, his eyes this ferocious green.

In the midst of all the music, the hormones, the flirting … Edward was silent.

He was looking at me, an almost-smile on his face.

I finally understood why it was called a crush; it was difficult to _breathe._

It was like one of those movies where time is suspended and there was nothing, nothing else in the world but Edward and his pretty eyes and me.

The driver gunned it and took off. The truck disappeared, beautiful boys, offensive rap and all.

* * *

Rose turned fifteen a week after school started.

She begged her parents to let her throw a party and, because she was a spoiled brat, they let her have one. She invited everybody.

_Everybody._

Then of course because these things are exponential, the people she invited told other people until the party was spilling out the back door and on to the deck. Her parents were around but I realized pretty early on that they were only there to keep an eye on things, not to enforce any sort of rules.

Sort of shocking, really. My dad would've pulled his shot gun out at the first sign of debauchery.

A few upperclassmen set up bars in the trunks of their cars. People were smoking up left and right –and I don't mean cigarettes. Rose appeared in front of me with two purple Jell-O shots; I downed one and then the other. They tasted so nice we made it our mission to find more, like, immediately.

Heidi showed up with a bunch of her friends, and even though she was no longer seeing Edward – per Rose's information – they still hung out. I nearly died when he walked in, stupidcool in sunglasses at night, his arm slung around some girl. The rest of their entourage followed right behind and I realized I recognized some of the guys from that day on the beach.

I wondered if he'd recognize me, too. I wondered if I mattered enough.

It changed things, this awareness of him, like the night was more magic because he was there.

Some guy asked me to dance and so I went, nervous because he was cute but too tipsy to care. I let him turn me around and press his body close to mine, his hands loose on my hips. It was a relief to have my back to the nameless wonder behind me; I didn't think I could sustain eye contact. Instead I let my eyes roam around the room, faltering when I noticed my friend Angela talking to Edward by the punch bowl.

Oh, no. Anonymous hoochies I could handle but _Angela Weber_?

My heart sank into a sea of drunken, melodramatic betrayal.

I almost wanted to cry and that made me feel stupid and really, really small.

I needed fresh air.

No one was out by the pool. The music from inside was barely audible. I sat down and rolled my jeans to my knees before dangling my feet into the water. It was cold and that was good; I was tempted to go in all the way just to clear my head.

The lights inside the pool were on, an unnatural turquoise that was soothing to look at. I skimmed my fingers across the water, wondering how long it would take for one of the girls to notice I was gone.

Someone sat down beside me. I looked up and right into Edward's clear green eyes.

"Hi."

My stomach knotted so tight I thought I was going to puke.

"Hi."

"Are you okay?"

"I'm not drunk," I mumbled.

"That's… not what I asked. You're sitting out here by yourself…" He paused, running his fingers through his hair. "I just wanted to know if you were okay."

"Oh." My face warmed. "Yeah, I'm okay."

He looked at me like he _knew_. Maybe he did. "So you're not upset."

"No."

"And you're not drunk."

I laughed a little, biting the inside of my cheek. "It just…I was too hot inside. It feels good out here."

"Yeah, it does," he agreed, slowly getting to his feet again.

My heart squeezed; I didn't want him to go.

He smiled ruefully and walked away, and it took all that I had not to turn and stare like a lovesick goon. It was wholly possible that he'd figured me out, that he knew I liked him. Though I tried to be, I wasn't exactly subtle; he'd probably seen the way I looked at him.

Maybe I should have been embarrassed, but all I could feel was my flushed face and my racing pulse because he'd actually talked to me. Like, on purpose.

I grabbed my shoes and got up, suddenly tired. The effects of the alcohol had worn off, leaving me calmer and a lot less prone to histrionics.

The crowd had thinned considerably back inside. Alice saw me and motioned me over, frowning at the shoes in my hands.

"Where'd you go?"

"By the pool. I needed fresh air."

Her eyes widened and she leaned in closer, examining me. "Did you hurl?"

"Ew, no."

"Okay, because, some kid totally threw up out by the deck and Mr. Hale got super pissed and made him leave …"

I made a face. "Can't say I blame him."

"Yeah. But you're okay?"

"Everyone keeps asking that. I'm fine," I promised, dropping my flip flops to the floor so I could slip them back on.

Rose materialized from the shadows. "Let's get a picture before Jess and Lauren have to leave."

Soon everyone was gone, with the exception of the girls who were sleeping over. Rose ushered us into the kitchen where a pink and white cake sat untouched on the counter. We stuck candles in it and sang happy birthday and I took more pictures, loving how the flames made Rose's hair look like a messy blonde halo around her face.

We ate cake until we were sick and then stripped down to our underwear to go swimming in the pool. We splashed quietly and talked about the high (and low) points of the evening, agreeing that it had definitely been the party-to-end-all-parties. I told the girls about my pseudo-conversation with Edward Cullen and Angela gasped, almost swallowing water when I mentioned my freak out.

"He knows my brother… it wasn't even like that!" she cried, pushing wet hair from her face. "Why didn't you tell me you liked him?"

"I haven't really told anyone," I sighed, feeling dumb all over again.

She nodded, accepting my lameness, and I was glad. It was bad enough I was a moron with out of control, unrequited feelings. The last thing I needed was to alienate my girlfriends.

The chatter faded after a while, naturally ebbing until we were floating in silence, losing ourselves in our thoughts and the starry skies. Late summer, not yet fall; a warm breeze hesitantly blew over us, jostling the trees, rustling their leaves.

I don't know if the others felt it, but I bet they did. There was this undercurrent of anticipation, like things had somehow shifted.

Almost, like…our lives had finally started.

* * *

_Songs_

_Naked Eye - Luscious Jackson_

_Are You In - Incubus_


	2. Walking on the Moon

**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.** Twilight is Stephenie Meyer's. Starry Eyed Inside is Rochelle's.

thanks to the greatest beta-wife ever, Nic. she's the nutella to my... spoon. so i'm thinking i'll post every tuesday. ish.

* * *

The clock moved so slow it went backwards, I swear.

No one actually worked in study hall. Well, I did, but I'd been finished forever. I slipped my books into my bag and zipped it, poised and ready to go.

Final bell finally rang.

Thank God.

One week of school down, a zillion left to go. I slid out of my chair and joined the masses in the halls, grateful that last class had been a free period. It gave me a chance to do my homework so I'd be good to go for the weekend.

Alice joined me and together we stepped out of the drab and into the sun.

"You taking the bus?"

I nodded. "Yeah… your mom coming or are you going with El?"

"My mom." She squinted out into the parking lot, using her hand to shade her eyes.

Alice's mother worked from home. She made cakes and sold them for birthdays and quinceaneras.

My mother taught middle school, so I'd always gone home with her in years past. This year, though, we'd opted for the bus. It worked for _her_ because by the time she got out of her school it would be too late to get me from mine. It worked for _me_ because, come on, I was in high school now. The less parental _whatever _the better.

"She's making coconut flan today," Alice continued. "Want to come?"

I looked at her sideways. "Is the Pope Catholic?"

We threaded through the throng of warm, sweaty bodies, picking up our girls along the way.

"So what did we decide on for later?" Rose asked, reaching into my pocket for the gum she knew she'd find.

I shrugged, crouching to tie my shoe. "I dunno."

"Dunno what?" Angela drifted over, linking her arm through mine.

"What we're doing tonight."

A couple of buses came and went, including mine. I sent my mother a quick text, letting her know I'd be at Alice's.

Rose shifted impatiently from one foot to the other. "I'm not doing the movies again."

"I heard Eric and Tyler talking about a bonfire over on Hutchinson Island," Alice said.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah… they said – "

The sound of bass approaching slowly caught my attention. I nodded absently at Alice, but I wasn't even hearing her. There were school rules about loud music on the parking lot. Maybe it was just a passing car…

"Really?" Rose was saying. "That might be fun…party… "

I faded back out, searching the parking lot more intently now. A shiny silver car pulled into a space at the opposite end of the lot with a black Jeep right behind it. The bass decreased a little, and the doors of both vehicles swung open. Edward and his friends began spilling out.

My heart kicked it into high gear. I tried to lick my lips but my tongue was dry too. Yikes.

I elbowed Alice but she'd already seen. She tried unsuccessfully to hide a smile and settled instead for folding her arms across her chest. Even Rose's party plans faltered a bit as she followed the line of our super subtle gaze. The boys drifted closer, desperately yummy clichés of popularity and coolness complete with fawning fangirls running interception.

"Why're they here?" I wondered aloud.

"Maybe they know someone," Alice said, looking back toward school.

We found out soon enough when this sophomore Jacob ambled over to Edward and they did some complicated looking handshake. I watched them walk away, back toward the cars.

As usual, I felt anxious and somewhat pukey. Seeing Edward made me feel awful in a way I thrived on, like it was a drug or something.

Rose was snapping her fingers in front of my face, an amused smile flitting across her lips.

"_Anyways_. We were talking about the bonfire on Hutchinson. I think we should go for sure." She put two fingers in her mouth and whistled at Eric Yorkie.

"Ladies?" He wiggled his eyebrows lasciviously. You had to love Eric. He was somehow both dorky and cool, the kind of kid who was on honor society but also knew how to fashion pot paraphernalia out of produce.

"There's a party on Hutchinson later?" Rose asked. I sneaked another glance at the silver car in the corner of the parking lot. Other kids were over there now too, goofing off and messing with the music.

"Yeah… why, you going?" Eric asked, ruffling his hair.

"We want to. How're you getting there?" Alice asked. "You only have a permit, right?"

"Brody."

"Can we come?"

Eric shrugged. "Whatever. We'll probably head out around eight or nine."

"Well which is it, eight or nine?" Rose huffed impatiently. She'd always been a major stickler for precision, whether organizing study notes or timing our arrival at parties. "I have to tell my mom when to drop me at Al's."

Eric grimaced. We were kind of at the mercy of his brother Brody when it came to rides. "I don't… we'll get there when we get there."

"That's fine," Alice said quickly. "Thanks Eric."

He nodded, giving her ponytail a tug as he walked off.

Angela, who'd been quiet all this time, squeezed my arm. "What about your mom?"

"I'll just…I'm staying at Alice's. Her mom's more chill."

"You can probably stay too," Alice reassured her. "My mom won't mind. Eleazar usually goes to these things anyway so I'll just get him to vouch for us."

"Eight," Eric yelled suddenly, passing by in his brother's ride. "Be waiting outside."

During most of this exchange I'd been alternating between pretending to listen and trying to keep an eye on the going-on across the parking lot. Edward was sitting in the driver's seat now, one leg out the open door, talking to Jake. If he'd just _look_ at me, I'd be set. Or… maybe I'd die.

"…so that's perfect," Alice was saying. "Now I don't even have to ask my brother for a ride. Good."

"Why are _you_ so quiet? Still pining away for Edward?" teased Angela, jabbing me in the ribs.

"Can't help it," I sighed wistfully. "He's so cute he's almost… pretty."

"Well, maybe he'll be at the bonfire later."

That hadn't even occurred to me. "You think so?"

Rose blew a bubble."Maybe. If Eric's brother and all his friends are going, maybe Jacob Black and _his_ friends are going."

Speaking of Edward and his friends, they were leaving now. Jacob bumped fists with someone riding in the Jeep and then got into another car parked nearby.

Alice's mother rolled up on cue, honking twice to get our attention.

As if we couldn't see her coming in her ginormous 1986 Caprice Classic.

* * *

"Ugh, why did I eat all that flan," I groaned, sucking in my stomach as I zipped my jeans.

"No, nena, you needed it," Mrs. Pena protested, lingering in Alice's doorway. "You're all too skinny."

"No one's too skinny, Mom," Alice muttered, smoothing her hair down. "And stop hovering."

"Don't be rude, Maria Alice," Mrs. Pena snapped, but she was all bark and no bite. They went back and forth like this all day. "Bella, are you sure you had enough?"

"I'm good, thanks."

She smiled and nodded, closing the door behind her as she left.

I was perfecting my "not trying too hard" look when someone blew their horn outside.

Rose peeked out the blinds. "Eric and his brother."

"I totally told him to call when he was on his way!" Alice whined, hurrying into her flip flops.

I grabbed my purse off the bed. "We did agree on eight."

"Not too late," warned as we left. "No drinking. No drugs!"

Alice pulled the door shut, locking it.

"What's the curfew this year?" I asked, practically vibrating with anticipation. I felt like a bird set free from its cage.

"Midnight."

The door opened and Mrs. Pena poked her head out. "And you'd better not be late."

* * *

Brody Yorkie drove an Explorer, which was good because he always had a ride full of people. His girlfriend was sitting up front next to him while the three of us squeezed into the back with Eric and this kid Adam. He used his fake ID to acquire a couple of twelve packs from the liquor store and then we were off, headed across the bridge to Hutchinson Island.

The bonfire was at some isolated little beach off in the cut. I'd grown up going to these beaches but I didn't think I'd ever seen this one. About eight or nine other cars were already parked in the lot. I didn't see Edward's car or even the black Jeep, but whatever. It was exciting enough just to be out of the house.

We filed out and waited for the boys to grab the beer, then walked single file through the path leading to the sand.

A large piece of canvas had been tied to a couple of trees, creating the illusion of shelter for the growing number of cases and coolers. Someone had brought a radio, and music –it sounded like reggae – spilled out, soft because the wind kept catching it and diffusing it down the beach.

Jessica and Lauren jogged over almost immediately, their flip flops kicking up little sprays of sand.

We stood in a little circle, comparing notes on who was already there and who was supposed to come. The wind kept blowing my hair, making it stick to my lip gloss.

Brody let us have some of his beer and then he wandered off, leaving us to our own devices. We ended up with Eric and Adam near the fire, playing thumb war and acting stupid. After awhile someone started chanting, startling me out of my little world; the keg had arrived, apparently. I shuddered, imagining my father somehow finding out and breaking up the party. I'd be grounded until college.

Alice's brother Eleazar came with his friends, rolling his eyes at us as he walked by. I resisted the urge to tell him to just get used it; this was our scene now, too. I hoped, anyway.

There weren't too many freshmen but there were a lot of older looking kids, some of whom I recognized from Jensen Beach. There were a lot of unfamiliar faces though too, and every time someone with loud bass pulled up outside I tensed up.

Eric was trying to convince me to do a keg stand – hell no –when Alice suddenly pinched my arm. "Look!"

Immediate butterflies. Edward and his friends, including Jacob, were walking through the path and onto the beach.

I tried to chill and focus on the people around me but it wasn't working. I was on Edward frequency now. Great.

Eventually I stood up and brushed the sand off my behind. "I'm going for another beer. You want to come?" I asked the girls.

Rose nodded, extending her hand so that I'd pull her up. We trudged through the sand, talking quietly.

Voices floated over from the shadows. Edward was chatting up some girl nearby. I looked at Rose and made a face. She snorted, ducking down to grab the beers and open them with the opener hanging off the handle of the cooler.

Frankly, I wasn't surprised. You didn't stay single, looking like Edward Cullen. That would be a waste and God knows I didn't have the cojones to talk to him.

I gulped down half my beer on the way back to our friends.

"So I guess you're not going to talk to him," Rose said, sinking back to the sand.

I sat beside her, peeling the label off my bottle. "That's right."

Jessica poked her head in."What's right?"

"Bella's not going to talk to Edward because he's talking to another girl back there," Rose jerked her thumb in the direction of the coolers.

"Bella's never going to talk to Edward because it would be social suicide," I corrected, downing the rest of my beer.

Jess smiled sympathetically as I lay back.

"Ugh, you're going to have so much sand in your hair," Alice complained, trying to yank me back to a sitting position. "It's gonna be all over my bed…"

"That's okay" I sighed, welcoming my happy beer buzz with open arms.

Moments later, Alice placed a towel – I had no idea where it came from – underneath my head. I put my hands behind my head and stretched my legs out, gazing at the cloudless night sky.

My dad used to show me the constellations when I was little. I scanned the sky, searching for the ones I knew. Big Dipper, Orion's Belt, Edward's face…

Edward's face upside-down, actually.

Panic. Confusion. What kind of beer did Brody buy?

I blinked twice, but no –Edward was really standing there, his clear green eyes ensnaring me as I stared wordlessly back.

"Bella?"

_How the heck does he know my name?_

"Yeah?" Realizing how ridiculous I looked, I sat up, trying to look normal as I shook sand from my hair.

"Can I talk to you for a second?"

I looked at the girls –no help there –and scrambled to my feet, wondering what he could possibly have to say to me. Maybe he remembered me from Rose's party?

My mind raced and my heart galloped along and my mouth felt dry, despite all the beer I'd chugged. Ugh, the beer. It was making me feel too full. I definitely needed to wait awhile before having more or I'd start feeling sloshy.

We walked along silently until we got to the intoxication station. He reached into a cooler, handing me a beer.

I took it. Don't judge me.

He opened his and handed it to me, switching them out. "So, listen. A friend of mine likes you."

I stared back dumbly. "A friend?"

"Yeah – you know Jacob. Jake. He goes to your school."

"I know who he is, but I don't, like, _know_ him," I said, averting my eyes lest I get burned by the hotness.

"I know. That's why I'm letting you know." He took a sip of beer, his eyes smirking at me as he tilted back his bottle.

I wondered, for the umpteenth time, if he knew I was crushing on him. And if he knew he was crushing me _right now_ with this Jacob talk.

"Oh. Well… no." I started peeling my label again.

"No what?"

"No, I'm not interested." I couldn't look at him. I'd get distracted by his face.

"Seriously?" He sounded surprised.

I took a deep breath and looked up, finally.

"Seriously. But, thanks." I shifted onto my other foot, starting to turn so I could make my exit.

"You know what they say," he began, and there was such mirth in his voice I paused.

I glanced back at him. "About what?"

"About peeling the labels," he continued. I lowered my eyes and saw I had indeed peeled the whole thing off.

"No. What do they say?" I asked.

"It's a sign of sexual frustration," he winked, grinning widely.

My mouth dropped open and he started laughing, knocking my arm playfully. "I'm just teasing. They do say that though…"

My insides turned to goo as soon as his hand made contact with my skin. _So glad I wore something strappy. _

I smiled, trying not to look as loopy as I felt. "Ok well… if you're done teasing me, I'm going to head back."

"Aw, come on now."

I shook my head, turning back toward the bonfire, my label-less beer clasped between my hands.

"So, why won't you give my boy a chance?" he asked.

"Because I like someone else." As soon as the words left my mouth I cringed inwardly. Whoops.

"Oh yeah? Okay."

I kept my eyes straight ahead, noting that my friends were trying very hard to appear as if they weren't totally checking us out.

And then he was gone, poof into the night like Keyser frigging Soze. I shook my head, and started back across the sand to my friends. The music had changed now, something acoustic and yearning. It sounded like I felt.

"What did he say?" Rose hissed, nearly knocking my knees out in an effort to get me back on to the sand. Alice, Jess, Lauren and Angela crowded into the huddle.

"He was putting in a good word for Jacob Black," I confided, rolling my eyes.

"Jacob?" Jess repeated in disbelief.

"Yep."

Rose gestured impatiently."So what did _you _say?"

"That I wasn't interested. And then he asked why and I said because I liked someone else." I tried not to laugh at the absurdity of the situation.

Alice hit my arm. "And what did _he say?"_

"Let me start from the beginning."

* * *

The following Monday I was with the girls at our usual lunch table when Alice jabbed me with her fork.

"Uh, thanks," I mumbled, picking a grain of her rice from my shirt.

"Jacob Black is coming over here," she said under her breath.

_Oh crap._

Forcing a smile, I looked up right as Jake came to a stop.

"Hey Bella."

Okay, so he was gorgeous. I should've liked him; I wished I did. But I didn't. Couldn't.

"Hi Jake."

He nodded toward our table and I pushed my bag to the floor.

Instead of just sitting down he spun the chair and sat so that he was facing just me.

"You going to the soccer game later?" he asked. All warm dark eyes and tanned skin, I thought again that it should be easy to be attracted. But I wasn't.

"Yeah, probably. If I can get a ride home." The words slipped out before I could stop them and instantly I regretted speaking. Great. He was so going to offer me a ride home now.

"I can give you a ride."

I paused, glancing over his shoulder. Alice and Rose were behind Jake, nodding emphatically.

"Um, okay. I just have to…call my mom and tell her."

"Cool." He shot me a brilliant smile and eased out of the chair, returning to where his friends sat.

Alice scooted closer. "He's so cute, Bella!"

"Yeah, he is. But I don't feel anything for him. He's so nice… I don't want to give him the wrong idea," I lamented. "Why did he even ask me? Didn't Edward tell him I wasn't interested?"

"Oh for heaven's sake, stop. You agreed to stay for a game we're all going to anyway, and you're getting a ride. That's it. Besides…." Rose trailed off.

"Besides, what?"

She eyed me sideways. "Besides, he's one of Edward's friends, right? Maybe this is just what you need to get a foot in the door."

"Rose! I can't do that! That would be so, so shady. And anyway, Edward isn't going to go after a girl his friend likes," I sighed. "Even if he wanted to, which he obviously doesn't."

Rose stood up, crumpling her brown paper bag into a ball before tossing it into a nearby recycling bin."You never know. Anyway. Go call your mom before you forget."

Final bell found me by my locker, where I'd stopped to grab a few books I needed for homework.

Angela appeared next to me.

I wrinkled my nose. "Did you have yearbook just now?"

She smiled apologetically. "I smell like chemicals, don't I?"

We meandered down the hall and down toward the field, where Rose and Alice were already on the stands.

Angela actually had to take pictures of the game for yearbook, but the rest of us were just there to ogle.

Coincidentally, the first game of the season was against Martin County.

"Doesn't Edward play for them?" Rose asked, already knowing the answer.

I pursed my lips. "Yep."

Alice leaned into me, resting her head on my shoulder. "Isn't that him right there?"

"Mhm."

Jake looked over and waved.

I waved back awkwardly.

"This is classic," snorted Rose. "He really likes you."

"It's wonderful," I muttered sarcastically. Seriously, what were the chances?

"Oh come on."

"Okay, it's a little ironic."

"Let's just hope Edward doesn't have any qualms about messing around with a girl his friend likes," she continued.

"Ugh, will you stop? Edward Cullen is never going to look at me like that."

"Then why is he looking at you right now?" Alice asked.

I nearly gave myself whiplash, I looked up so quick. It was true; Edward kept glancing over Jake's shoulder at us as they talked. Then Jake looked.

"I don't even want to know what they're talking about right now," I groaned.

"Shut up, this is good. A few months ago we weren't even on their radar," Rose said.

The whistle blew and both teams got into position to play. Jake snuck one more glance in my direction before trotting over to his spot as goalie.

We won by a very slim margin. This was no small feat; our varsity team was excellent but Martin County's was usually better. The teams lined up to shake hands at the end.

The bleachers slowly began to empty. Rose, Alice and I slid off and made our way to the edge of the parking lot to wait for their ride.

Typically Floridian, it was still really warm. I fanned myself with a folder from my backpack, hoping Jake would show up before the mosquitoes came out.

Eleazar pulled up eventually.

"Call me as soon as you get home," Alice said, getting into the car with Rose.

Jake ambled over. "You ready to go?"

"Sure." I felt sort of shy all of a sudden. "You um… you played really well today."

"Thanks. It was a close one," he said.

I nodded, not really having anything else to say.

Edward sauntered over, opening the trunk of his car by remote and tossing his stuff in.

"Like the game, Bella?"

"Well, yeah. We won it," I snarked.

He looked at me, all raised eyebrows and cocky grins.

"She makes a good point," Jake laughed. "You going to Carmen's later?"

"Yeah, probably with Emmett."

Jake nodded, motioning for me to get into the car.

I got in somewhat reluctantly, anxious to get away from Edward but also sort of wishing it was his car I was getting into.

Jake threw his car in to reverse, all the while fiddling with the car's stereo. I had to admit it was a really nice ride, some sort of souped up SUV. His father owned a dealership in Ft. Pierce so it wasn't all that surprising.

We chatted amiably the whole way home, our conversation punctuated by my frequent laughter. He had an amazingly sharp, witty sense of humor and I found myself sincerely hoping we could be friends –I definitely enjoyed his company. Just not, like, in that way.

I directed him through my neighborhood, dreading the moment when he'd asked me out –the last thing I wanted to do was hurt his feelings.

"Nice, you live pretty near the beach," he commented, parking in my driveway.

It was true. We weren't exactly rolling in the dough but we lived in a well kept neighborhood not too far from the ocean.

"Yeah… I can hear the waves at night sometimes."

He nodded, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel, looking sort of contemplative.

I made moves to get out, not wanting to end up in Awkwardville.

"I'm glad you let me drive you home, Bella," he said suddenly, smiling shyly.

I swallowed. "Thanks for giving me a ride. I…had fun, actually."

"Me too. If you ever need a ride, you can call me."

I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. "Jake," I began, taking a deep breath.

"Yeah?"

"Edward talked to me the other night at the bonfire, about…you…and…me," I stammered.

He nodded slowly. "He told me what you said."

"He _did_?"

Jake chuckled. "It's all good if you just want to be friends, Bella."

Despite my relief, I felt my face grow warm. "Why didn't you ask me yourself?"

"I didn't know he was gonna do that. We were goofing off and I mentioned it, so…" Now Jake's face was red.

"Oh."

"He said you said you like someone else."

I nodded.

"May I ask who?"

If my face was warm before it was in flames now. "No way."

Jack coughed, obviously trying not to laugh. That made me laugh, which only made him laugh harder.

"You're so red right now it's painful."

"Shut up," I giggled, covering my face.

"Do I know him?" he asked after a minute.

I bit my lip and unbuckled my seatbelt. "Maybe."

"All right, I'll leave it alone."

"Thanks," I said gratefully, opening the door. "And, thanks again for the ride."

He waved me off. "No problem. It's sort of on the way."

I doubted that, but I appreciated the thought.

"See you tomorrow, Jake."

He smiled, honking once as he pulled away from the curb.

* * *

So that's how Jake became my ride.

To every place.

Turns out he did live pretty near me, after all, so after talking to my mother he started driving me to school.

"What are you doing tomorrow night?" I asked after soccer practice Thursday.

"Probably going to Carmen Vega's to chill."

"Oh, okay." I stared out the window. "She the one with the pool table?"

"Yep." I could feel him looking at me. "Wanna come?"

"Can I bring a friend?"

"Bring whoever you want, Bella. I'll come around nine."

"Sounds good." I said, a tingle of anticipation rippling through my midsection.

Because let's be real. If Jake was going to Carmen Vega's chances were… so was Edward.

* * *

**songs**

walking on the moon - the police

garden grove - sublime

rainbow country - bob marley

echo - incubus


	3. Let Go

All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

thanks to my beta suprema, Nic. i heart you.

and can i just say, how much i love hearing your memories, everyone?

* * *

Jacob came right when he said he would. He always did; he was prompt and polite like that.

He texted when he was a block away so I kissed my mom goodbye in the kitchen and left with Rose before she started questioning me again. She'd loosened the reins this year but still, she was no slouch.

Alice had said earlier that she was going to get a ride with her brother. I hoped Eleazar didn't flake. I made a mental note to ask Jake if we could pick up Alice later, just in case.

Carmen Vega was a senior. She lived in one of those gated communities near the beach, not too far from Rose's neighborhood. She was the youngest of six - everyone had been in class with a Vega at some point or another – and her parents had a rep for being really chill as long as there was no craziness.

When we pulled up, a few other cars were already there – including Edward's. I tried to quiet my nervous stomach but it just wasn't happening. Smoothing my hair, I glanced at Rose, who always looked so put together. I hoped I looked even half as cute as she did this second.

Apparently Jake was a regular. He greeted everyone and they greeted him as we walked toward the back of the house, where the rec room was. Brody Yorkie was there, rubbing blue chalk onto his pool cue. He raised his eyebrow in greeting.

I could see why Carmen Vega's parents allowed this. There were sort of a lot of people, but it was really mellow. No one was partying, or even drinking. Not where we were, at least. Rose and I stood against the wall, watching the pool game. Alice texted to say she and Eleazar were on their way.

A few minutes later Jake joined a game. Rose and I wandered around, looking for the bathroom. Carmen Vega passed by, pointing one out and asking if we wanted anything to drink. She seemed really nice. No wonder everyone wanted to hang out at her house. Rose chattered away while she peed but my mind was elsewhere. I wondered where Edward was, if he was here alone.

I didn't have to wait long.

When we returned to the rec room he'd joined the game. My heart slammed in my chest, the result of seeing the one person I wanted to see right when I didn't think I'd be seeing him. Rose and I went back to our spot on the wall, whispering comments to one another, checking our phones for messages.

The art of looking occupied.

Alice showed up eventually, trailing behind Eleazar and two of his friends. Her eyes lit up when she saw us and she slid on over.

"What are you guys doing? Did I miss anything?"

"Not really," Rose said quietly, her eyes flickering toward the pool table. "We're just…"

"Watching," I whispered, my heart fluttering when Edward leaned over the table. His shirt rode up with the movement, making the waistband of his boxers peek above his jeans.

The game went on for awhile, and bit by bit I felt myself relax. Sometimes Edward would glance around, and once he looked at me for a second. I imagined being hooked up to one of those heart rate machines at the hospital, and how the neon green line would spike every time he moved.

He'd look at me, and it would go off the freaking charts.

Eventually he and Jake beat whoever they were playing against and a different group moved in to play. Jake walked over to us, nodding toward another door on the opposite end of the room.

"You gonna play next time?"

I shook my head. "No way. I'm horrible at pool."

"Speak for yourself," laughed Rose.

"Yeah, she's good, but I suck," I said, making a face.

"Doesn't matter, whatever," Jake said, smiling. "Wanna go outside then?"

I shrugged. "Sure. What's out there?"

"Pool and stuff. Path to the beach."

I looked at Alice and Rose, who both nodded. "Okay."

We had to walk right by the pool table to get to the door. Edward was starting a new game with a new group.

I didn't see him for the rest of the night.

* * *

My fifteenth birthday fell on a Wednesday. It always kind of sucks when that happens, but such is life. My parents took me, Al and Rose out to Olive Garden to celebrate, promising I could do something on the weekend as well.

"Heard you had a birthday recently," Jake said at school the next day, cornering me at my locker. "You shoulda told me. You suck."

"Shut up. It's not a big deal," I said, grabbing what I needed for my next class before shutting my locker.

"How old are you know? Thirteen?" he teased.

"See, this is why I didn't tell you…"

"Aw, I'm just messing with you," he laughed.

The bell rang. "Shouldn't you, like, be on the opposite end of campus right now?" I asked, pretending to give him the stink eye.

"Yeah, yeah. I see how it is."

"Bye Jake."

"Bye Bella." He tossed me a can of Coke." Happy belated."

I smiled. "Thanks."

Alice had saved me a seat in math. I frigging hated algebra; how I passed I'd never know.

"My mom wants to know what kind of cake you want for your birthday."

"Everything she makes is mouth watering," I said, my stomach rumbling despite the sandwich I'd just wolfed down. "She's not like… making a big deal or anything right?"

"Yeah, she's planning your quinceanera, complete with formal wear and a triple tiered cake." Alice rolled her eyes, popping an M&M into her mouth.

I ignored the sarcasm and held my hand out for treats. "Tell her… chocolate on chocolate."

"Okay. Design?"

"Uh…"

"I'll just tell her to be creative," Alice offered, filling my palm with chocolate. "You know she lives for that. She loves it."

"I know I'll love it too," I said honestly. "So when do you start dance again?"

"Monday."

Alice had been taking ballet since we were tiny. I'd taken it too, until about third grade when it became apparent that some of us were more naturally coordinated than others.

"Cool. This is my last year of freedom," I sighed, doodling on my notebook. "Dad says I have to get an after school job next year. He'd probably make me get one this year, but it would be a pain in the ass to drive me back and forth."

Mr. Banner cleared his throat loudly and started to write on the board, putting an end to our conversation.

A note landed on my desk.

_Carmen Vega's tmrw nite?_

My stomach tensed just thing about it. I looked at Alice, giving her a small nod.

* * *

Jake looked like he'd died and gone to heaven.

He'd come to pick me and my friends up from Alice's and had been dragged inside by Mrs. Pena, who insisted he eat some of my birthday cake before leaving.

"I have a friend waiting in the car, can I…?"

"Go get him," Mrs. Pena urged, all but shoving him out the door.

She'd made me the most decadent chocolate cake ever, complete with pink curlicues looping across the top: _Happy Birthday Bella_. We'd all eaten our fill, and though I was stuffed full of sugar I couldn't stop swiping my finger through the icing on the border.

Jake reappeared moments later with one of the guys I always saw with Edward, this really tall, muscular guy with dark curly hair. He was kind of gorgeous, actually.

"This is Emmett," Jake said, his eyes sliding over to me. "Cullen."

Holy crap. _That_ was Edward's brother? Their family had some seriously superior genes.

And also, why was Jake looking me like that? Was I that obvious?

_Yep._

"Hi, Emmett," Mrs. Pena said warmly. "Please come in. I was telling the girls they should have invited you all earlier, when we were singing to Bella."

I blushed, looking at the girls but Alice was already in the kitchen getting extra plates and Rose… well, Rose was staring at Emmett. Fascinated, I looked at Emmett, who glanced back at Rose and then followed Mrs. Pena to the table for cake.

* * *

Carmen Vega's house was pretty much the same as it had been last time.

I was feeling a little self important, showing up this time with both Jacob and Emmett Cullen. That soon faded as we got to the rec room and were promptly deposited on the side of the wall again.

"He's so fine," Rose groaned, watching Emmett saunter across the room and out the back door.

"Yeah, he is," I agreed, wondering where Edward was. Maybe outside?

"He looks old though…"

"No he doesn't," I argued. "I mean, not a lot older. Maybe a little?"

"Still."

"Ugh, whatever. He was looking at you too, so… yeah."

She smirked. "He was, wasn't he?"

I rolled my eyes. Rose was the prettiest girl I knew."Vomit."

"Shut up," she snickered, pinching my arm.

Jake walked by on his way to the pool table. "You got chocolate on your lip."

"No way," I cried, wiping frantically at my mouth. "Do, I Rose?"

"Oh yeah, I meant to tell you," she said absently, scrolling through her phone.

"Thanks a lot, wench."

"Sorry…"

Edward came in from outside and walked over to the table to bump fists with Jake. A fairly wasted brunette hung onto his hoodie, hardly giving him room to move.

"Ugh, where does he find these girls?" I muttered to Alice.

He looked over at us then, before I had the chance to pretend I hadn't been watching him. He smiled a little before going to whisper something in Jake's ear. Then he left, Wasted Girl trailing after him, keepin' it classy, tramp stamp and all.

I wondered if he was leaving. If –_shudder_ –they were leaving.

"Sure you don't want to play?" Jake asked, suddenly right in front of me.

I shook my head vehemently. "No. I'll lose. _We'll_ lose."

Rose slid down off the counter she'd been sitting on. "I want to play." She approached the table without a backward glance. Girlfriend had cojones.

Jake shrugged, leaning his cue in a corner. "So…what do you want to drink, birthday girl?"

"It's not really my birthday."

He cocked his head, waiting.

I looked around. "Are there even drinks here?"

He shook his head, laughing. "Simple question, Bella…"

"A beer?"

Jake nodded, turning his attention to Alice.

"Me too," she said.

He disappeared and I took the opportunity to make Alice look closely at me. "Is there any chocolate on my face?"

She frowned. "No…"

Jake came back a second later with three ice cold beers.

"Elephant?" I read the label before taking sip. "Oh jeez, it's bitter."

"Yeah and strong too. Drink slowly."

Alice and I stood around for awhile, talking and people watching. Rose was kicking butt over at the pool table and before we knew it she'd been enlisted by someone to play another game.

People started showing up in groups. I recognized a lot of them from school. We had to have been the youngest by far, but there was a friendly vibe. I wondered if they remembered the awkwardness of being underclassmen at high school parties. Jake came to check on us every now and then but for the most part Alice and I were on our own.

"Do you want to walk around?" she asked, setting her empty bottle down next to mine.

"Yeah… let's."

I tapped Rose on the back."We're going to go for a walk outside, okay?"

She nodded without looking up, positioning her cue.

We walked over to the back door and stepped out onto a screened-in patio with a pool. Thin wisps of smoke drifted from various pockets of people scattered around and I smelled weed mixed in with the cigarettes.

Not knowing anyone was kind of awkward so we continued across to another screen door leading outside. There was a path of pebbles leading through the hedges down to the beach. An old wall made of rocks and coral sat along the side of the Vega's property that met the beach. There were more people out here, and I had a feeling this was where the real partying was taking place.

Emmett Cullen and some guy I recognized from Martin County's soccer team stumbled over the sand to us. Alice and I paused, leaning on the wall.

Emmett held a bottle out. "Want some?"

I wrinkled my nose. "What is it?"

"Southern Comfort," he said casually, taking another swig.

I looked at Alice, but she was watching Emmett, smiling a little.

"Uh, okay." I took the bottle and smelled it. _Gross._

"You're supposed to taste it, not smell it," Emmett's friend slurred.

I took a deep breath and chugged some. It was awful, and it burned going down.

Trying valiantly not to cough and choke, I handed the bottle to Alice, who eyed the label warily before drinking some.

"So?" Emmett asked.

Now it felt sort of nice, making my belly all snug and toasty. "It goes down warm."

"That it does." He chuckled, taking the bottle back from Alice.

"So what are your names?" the friend asked.

"She's Bella," Emmett answered, and I was surprised he remembered.

"Yeah… Bella." I waved self consciously.

"Alice." She pulled herself up on to the beach wall and I joined her, shivering a little.

Emmett and Tyler (he finally introduced himself) ended up talking with us for awhile. They were drunk and silly and really, really cute, talking about the waves and the awesomeness of surfing at night. I hoped they weren't planning on doing that any time soon; I wasn't trying to call 911.

I was thinking about going and getting Rose, so she could talk to Emmett too, when she came charging down the path, looking miffed.

"I thought you were coming right back!"

"Sorry," I apologized, trying to sound sincere. And I was sort of sorry. But I was also feeling nice from the sips of Southern Comfort the boys kept sharing.

"I want some of whatever you have," Rose demanded, holding her hand out for the bottle.

Tyler snorted in amusement and handed her his bottle. She took a long sip and grimaced.

"Ugh. What is that?" she asked, taking another gulp before handing it back.

"Southern Comfort," Emmett said, going to stand beside her.

I smiled, knowing that Rose was really loving her life that very second.

And then Edward materialized, sans Wasted Girl.

_Thank you, God. _

"Where ya been, bro?" Emmett called out, kicking sand at his brother. "I was looking for you."

"Doesn't look like it," Edward said, looking pointedly at how close Emmett was to Rose.

"Naw, man, a little while ago."

Edward ignored him and downed the rest of whatever was in his bottle. He dropped it on the sand and leaned unsteadily against the wall, a few feet away from where I was sitting. His proximity caused a riot in my stomach and I took several deep breaths as subtly as possible.

Suddenly his eyes were on me. He grinned lazily. "Hi…Bella. Where's Jake?"

I rolled my eyes. "I don't know. Weren't you just inside?"

He laughed quietly. "No. I've been outside….for awhile. What are you up to? These fools bothering you?"

"We're not bothering you, right?" Tyler asked, giving his bottle back to Alice. She took a small sip and gave it to me but I'd had enough.

"I'm good," I whispered, bumping shoulders with her.

"Nope, nope, no secrets now," Emmett chortled drunkenly. "If we're bugging you, just say it…"

"No. You're not," I said, strangely endeared by his silliness.

"See?" he crowed.

Edward pulled a lighter from his pocket and lit himself a cigarette.

I had never seen him smoke before, but then again, when was I ever around him?

"Does this bother you?" he asked.

I turned slowly, surprised he was talking to me again. This was all very surreal, hanging out and getting drunk on a beach with these particular people. I mean, it was totally what I'd wanted but now that it was happening I didn't know what to say.

"It's okay," I reassured him, and it was. I could hardly even smell the smoke.

And even if I could… it was Edward Cullen.

The boys continued drinking and taunting each other for awhile. Alice, Rose and I chatted quietly, checking our phones every now and then to make sure we weren't getting too close to curfew.

"I'm gonna go roll one up. You coming?" Emmett asked Rose.

She looked at us, then jumped down and followed him to the other side of the wall, where there was less wind. Tyler took her place and started talking to Alice. It was hard to tell if he was actually interested in her or just drunk and horny. Either way, she didn't seem to mind.

Edward flicked the cigarette away and closed the distance between us, coming to stand really close. Then he leaned his arm on my thigh, his fingers tapping an absent rhythm on the skin of my knee.

Apparently, sometime between five minutes ago and now, I'd entered an alternate universe. I swallowed compulsively, afraid I was about to totally lose my cool and hyperventilate. In other words, make an ass of myself.

_Holy Crap._

I felt raw, like my senses were heightened. The soft lilt of Emmett and Rose's conversation behind us, the harsh, constant crash of the waves, Edward's fingers on my goose bumpy skin.

"Where's Jacob?" he asked again, stilling his hand.

"Playing pool," I said. "Why?"

"He's a good guy."

"I know." I wondered what he was getting at.

"But you don't like him like that."

I stayed quiet, willing my teeth to stop chattering.

One move brought him from my side to in front of me. Sliding his body between my legs.

My heart stopped.

Time stood still.

I thought randomly of Mrs. Pena and how she always warned us about boys and how we always went looking for them.

Edward settled in deeper, reclining against me, his head on my chest, tucked under my chin. Even his _smell_ was intoxicating, for crying out loud, all shampoo and lotion and whatever else.

"Your…hair smells good," I said haltingly.

"Herbal Essences."

My heart started up again. I laughed, biting my lip. "Mhm."

"I'm serious," he laughed back, turning to look at me with his glazed green eyes. "I stole it from my little sister. That shit smells amazing."

He dug around his pockets and lit another cigarette.

I tried to control the shivering; I was on the brink of convulsions. Tyler asked Edward a question, bringing Alice's attention to how we were sitting. She looked at Edward, then at me, squeezing my hand on the sly and smothering back a smile as she turned back to Tyler.

Maybe Edward sat this way with different girls all the time. Maybe it wasn't special. The thought made me feel better and worse at the same time: better because I got to be one of those girls and worse because…there were _so many _other girls.

But right here, right now? I didn't even care.

He wasn't just close to me. He was almost snuggling. Voluntarily. It was nearly too much, and a good thing I was sitting, otherwise my knees might have buckled.

Emmett and Rose came back, and I didn't miss the way Rose's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline when she saw.

Tyler got off the wall. "Ready?"

"Yeah." Emmett patted his pockets. "Lighter?"

Edward threw him his and turned his face to me again. "You smoke?"

"Like, weed?"

He nodded, outing his cigarette.

"No. I mean, I haven't."

"Maybe you shouldn't then," he said. "I don't want you to… feel weird."

"I don't know," I said, shivering again. The wind was blowing right through my hoodie.

"Cold?"

"A little," I said, trying to keep my voice normal. "I'll be okay."

He twisted around so he was facing me and rested his palms on the tops of my thighs.

Emmett lit the joint, scenting the air around us. It smelled really yummy.

"Are you going to?" I asked Alice, nervous now at the prospect of maybe getting high.

She shook her head. "Not tonight. My mother's always yelling at El… she knows what it smells like."

I hadn't thought about that. Rose and I were staying at Alice's tonight too, so we'd have to abstain as well. I know I would, anyway. Besides, I wanted to smoke for the first time with just my girls. That way, if I acted like an idiot, I wouldn't have a large audience.

Edward took a hit and passed the joint back to Emmett. He started rubbing his hands up and down my legs.

_Okay, okay. He's just drunk. He probably won't even remember tomorrow. _ The pathetic part was I'd take whatever I could get. This was heaven.

"So where's your friend?" I asked, remembering Wasted Girl.

He appeared confused. "Who?"

"The girl…" I prompted.

"Oh, Emily. Yeah. I had to get away. She was all over me."

"I saw that," I said dryly, watching him.

"Yeah, man. Carmen's cousin or something from Rhode Island." He shook his head. "You can protect me. If she finds me, just act like I'm with you." He looked up and down the beach, squinting at the shadows.

"You are with me," I pointed out.

His face swung back. "I mean, _with me_ with me."

"Ah, okay."

Edward winked, seemingly pleased with my consent. Little did he know.

The boys smoked until there was no more. Emmett and Rose wandered down to the shore.

Edward started rubbing my legs again, slow, strong strokes from my ankles to my knees. He was warming me up, but I was still shivering - from sheer nerves. I would never tell him that, though.

He was quiet for so long, his eyes shut, that I was sure he'd forgotten where he was. His hands had stopped on my calves, epicenters of heat on my cold skin.

"So you like someone else," he said suddenly, his eyes opening.

I nodded, willing my hands to leave my sides so I could just touch him.

He brought his face really close. "Tell me who," he whispered, brushing his lips against mine.

I gasped a little. He secured his arms around my waist and kissed me, a brief touching of lips.

_Don't just sit there. React!_

I hesitantly brought my hands to his face. He paused, searching my eyes, and went in for another kiss, parting my lips with his. I could feel his warm breath inside my mouth, and then his tongue grazing mine.

Still I shivered, and still he held me tighter, his body pressed against mine so close. He angled his face so that he could take it deeper, his thumb swishing back and forth against the small of my back.

My mind was racing so fast, traveling at the speed of light, blissfully empty of everything that wasn't him kissing me.

His lips were so soft and warm, and he tasted good, sweet and smoky. His tongue filled my mouth and I tightened up deep inside, my body wanting him in ways my brain wasn't even aware of just yet.

He broke away first. My eyes slowly drifted open and I gazed at him.

My cell phone vibrated in my pocket.

_Crap. Half hour till curfew._

"I …have to go soon," I said.

Edward nodded, gazing sleepily at me as he pressed one last little kiss against my lips. He turned to face away but didn't move, and I was thankful for his warm body pressed so pleasantly into mine.

Funny. I hadn't even noticed the stars. They were brilliant tonight.

* * *

_what was your first kiss like?_

**songs**

**let go - frou frou**

**obsolete - mute math**

**heart skipped a beat - the xx**


	4. Kaya

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my beta love, Nic. girl... you're a latenight saint. much love._

* * *

Leaving Carmen Vega's Friday night was a little like falling from heaven.

Slowly.

At first the surreal giddiness kept me floating. All I could think about was Edward's hands on my leg, how his hair smelled, how his body felt between my legs, how his lips wrapped around his cigarettes, how his tongue felt against mine.

Rose and I went back to Alice's and sat on her floor amidst pillows and blankets and talked until it was light. They wanted every detail of every second and I gave it to them, my own personal fairytale. From time to time I'd catch sight of myself the mirror behind her door; I'd never lost the dazed look in my eyes and my hair was still windswept from being whipped around on the beach.

But as Saturday turned into Sunday, reality began to set in and by Monday my stomach was a nervous tangle of knots.

He was going to ignore me. I knew it, inside. It wasn't something I could explain or qualify; it was simply a feeling.

Sometimes the fantasy is better than reality.

* * *

"So, what are you going to do?" Alice asked in homeroom Monday morning.

"I don't know but I'm pretty sure he won't talk to me." I pulled anxiously at the strings hanging from the bottom of my jeans. "He knows I'm into him now, so…whatever."

She shrugged. "All we can do is wait and see. He was kind of drunk, but…"

"Kind of?" I snorted. "How about completely?"

"He wasn't wasted and you know it," Alice sighed, shaking her head. "He remembers what happened, and if he tries to say he doesn't, then he's really freaking lame. I don't care how cute he is."

She was probably right, but it didn't make much of a difference, honestly.

I was at my locker later on when Jacob found me.

"Hey."

"Hey, Jake."

He fell into step with me as I walked toward English, even though – as usual –his class was in a different part of campus.

"So, it's Edward," he said finally.

I inhaled sharply, looking straight ahead. "If you say so."

"Come off it, Bella… everyone saw you on Friday." He made a face and ran his fingers through his hair.

The knot in my stomach tightened.

"What do you mean _everyone_?" I asked, looking sideways at him.

"Are you gonna admit it?" he asked.

I kept quiet. We got to the door of my AP English class and I paused, my books against my chest like they'd defend me from the sharp reality of everything.

"Yeah."

Jake moved to let someone pass and then leaned against the wall. "Emmett told me."

It occurred to me that this could very well be gossip fodder. I mean, how many people had been hanging out at Carmen's last weekend? The beach? A lot.

"This sucks. Sorry," I whispered.

"For what?" he asked, sounding annoyed.

I shrugged, feeling even more like a complete idiot.

"Bella… chill." He shoved his hands into his pockets and sighed, looking down the hall. "The only reason I'm even asking you any of this is because I want to know where your head's at. Like… your expectations."

Ah, right. It was crystal clear now. Jake _knew_ Edward, knew his M.O. Maybe I should've been grateful Jake cared enough to ask at all but all I felt right about then was really empty.

"Thanks, Jake, but it's all good. Whatever happens, happens. I have no expectations from Edward." I turned on my heel and walked into the classroom, glancing back at him as the bell rang. "None."

* * *

Alice, Rose and I were dissecting Jake's comments when this sophomore Gianna Russo walked up to our lunch table.

She was popular with the boys, but I didn't think she was all that. I mean, she looked pissed all the time.

Her eyes bored into mine. "Bella?"

I glanced at the girls, a little anxious.

"Yes?"

Gianna smirked, folding her arms. "You know he only let you kiss him because he was drunk, right?"

My heart sank, not so much from what she was saying but that she was saying anything at all. Obviously people had been talking about it.

Not to mention, _he_ had kissed _me._

But I just shrugged. "So?"

"So, forget about him."

I hadn't seen it coming, but I supposed it wasn't surprising, either. No doubt boys like Edward had a few "girlfriends", silly chicks too vapid to understand they were nothing more than hook-ups.

At least I wasn't deluding myself. I'd already prepared myself for the worse.

"Why don't you forget about him?" Rose said, stiffening beside me. I put my hand on her thigh under the table, begging her silently to relax. I knew she was down to fight but I wasn't, not if I didn't have to.

And not for something as pathetic as this.

Gianna scowled at Rose before cutting her eyes back to me.

"He only did it because he we was drunk," she repeated, a little menacingly.

_What a weirdo._

I forced a nice, fat, sardonic smile. "Then what are you worried about?"

"Not a damn thing, obviously."

She was gone as quickly as she'd appeared.

Alice chuckled nervously, squeezing my hand. "Are you okay?"

"Gianna's a psycho bitch," Rose huffed. "With her fake ass nails and her fake ass tan. Who does that anyway? We live in _Florida_."

"It's cool, whatever," I lied, taking a bite of my apple.

But Alice knew it wasn't. She didn't let go of my hand for the rest of lunch.

When the final bell rang, we walked down to our usual spot in front of school. It was still hurricane season and due to yet another tropical depression the heat and humidity were unbearable.

Alice had dance, and after my awkward chat with Jake earlier I wasn't sure I wanted more of the same on a ride home. Or that he would even offer. So the bus it was.

We leaned against the wall, discussing what Jake had said earlier.

"You don't think Jake was saying all that cuz he still likes you, do you?" Alice asked, picking at her peeling nail polish.

"Nah." I shook my head. "I mean, maybe he does still like me… I can't really tell… but Jake like, does his own thing. I saw him with some girl from Martin County one time at Carmen's."

"I'm just saying," she insisted.

"He's pretty to the point, Al. If that _is_ what he's doing, well, then… he's a dick. But based on what I kind of already know… he's probably just warning me."

"Speak of the devil…"

Jake was walking across the lot with the new boy, some blonde hottie in his year. They went right for the silver car and the black Jeep.

I hadn't even seen them pull up.

_Crap._

Instant nausea, and the heat wasn't helping.

Edward, Emmett and Tyler got out and leaned against their cars, yelling something to Jake as he approached. Even from where I stood I could see his smile, and it was so pretty it hurt.

I turned back to Alice, the sick feeling in my stomach doubling. "He's going to ignore me. I know it."

Rose appeared, bumping me with her hip. "What's up?"

"She's afraid Edward's going to act like nothing happened," Alice said.

Rose glanced over at the boys. "Well, then he's an ass. Don't freak out about it."

"Easy for you to say," I said, chewing my thumbnail down to the quick.

"I know," she sighed. "You got chapstick?"

I nodded, reaching into the front pocket of my backpack.

She held her hand out, ducking her head. "He's looking."

_Don't look. Don't look._

I slowly turned my face just enough to confirm that Edward was in fact looking in our direction, and he was.

He gazed back for a beat and then said something to Jake, angling away.

I wanted to puke. To cry. To be mad. To kiss him again.

And then, because Edward's rejection wasn't enough, Gianna Bitchface Russo flounced by, her dress-code-inappropriate skirt flipping in the faint breeze.

"Oh no. I can't watch," I moaned. But I did watch. She strutted right over to Edward, who was now sitting on the trunk of his car, and wriggled her body between his legs.

"Give me a freaking break," Rose said.

My view was blocked by a noxious, loud, yellow thing. I'd never in my life been so happy to see a school bus.

"You sure you don't want a ride, babe?" Alice asked.

"Naw, it's cool. No ballet Friday, right?"

"Right."

"Cool. I'll ride with you then."

I hugged my friends and boarded the bus, hating the stupid burning in my eyes.

I knew, right? I knew how these things went down. And still, even though I thought I'd braced myself for the let-down, it hurt.

Sliding into an empty seat near the back, I pulled my iPod out and stuck headphones into my ears.

I looked out the window as we pulled away.

Jake was watching me, his expression unreadable. He gave a small wave, like he knew I'd look sooner or later.

After a moment, I waved back.

* * *

Wednesday evening found me with my phone glued to my ear, on my front porch, discussing with Rose the epic lameness of Mrs. Cope, the principal, whose sole mission in life was to enforce dress code.

Jake pulled up in front of my house. My heart skipped, but it was like, second hand –skipping because of who Jake was friends with.

"Hey, Jake's here. Lemme call you back."

"It's cool. I have a bunch of reading for English anyway."

We disconnected and I stood, leaning on the wrought iron gate that framed our porch.

"Hey, stranger," I teased, opening the latch.

"Ha, don't start. You know I've had practice," Jake smirked. "So you know _I'm_ not the one running off as soon as school ends."

Shrugging, I plopped back onto the step, patting the place next to me.

"So what –you don't take rides no more?"

"_Any_more," I corrected, sticking my tongue out. "And sure, I still take rides, to those that offer."

"True," he conceded. "So you're not mad?"

"About the other day?" I shook my head, hating he'd thought that. "No way. I know you were just looking out for me."

He nodded, looking out at the street. The days were starting to get shorter now, and streetlights began blinking on.

I took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "So… Edward's with Gianna Russo now?"

Jake snorted, leaning back. "Not exactly."

"But…then, why—"

"They're not together. They've never been together."

"That's not what it looked like."

"Yeah well, looks are deceiving. Besides, Gianna's a butterface."

"What's that?"

"Everything's fine _but her face_," he said, grinning.

"That's so mean," I laughed, loving it.

He shrugged. "Just saying."

We fell into a comfortable silence.

"So, is that why you stopped by? To check up on me? You could have called, you know," I said, holding up my phone.

He looked back at me. "I was on my way home from practice –"

"This late?"

He grinned.

I sniffed his shirt.

"Nope. I have my methods," he said.

"Like what?"

"Like taking off my shirt when I smoke, Bella," he laughed. "Anyway, it's been a minute since we hung out so… you know."

"I know… thanks for coming, Jake," I said, bumping my shoulder to his, glad things were cool between us.

He bumped back and then got to his feet. "Anyway, I gotta go. My mom called a couple of minutes ago, telling me to get my ass home."

I jumped up too. " 'kay. See you tomorrow."

"You taking the bus or you want a ride?" he called, pausing before getting into his car.

"You got practice?"

"Always."

"Yeah, okay. I'll tell my mom."

He drove away, the bass from his music lingering long after his car had disappeared.

"Bella?" My mom stood in the doorway. "Coming in anytime soon?"

"Yep." I closed the gate and followed her inside, to where it was cozy and gold and smelled like chicken pot pie.

* * *

By late Thursday the tropical depression that was brewing out at sea had turned into an actual storm.

It wasn't major by any means, but the weather was crappy enough to warrant a half day Friday so that students could get home before the real wind and rain hit later that night.

Rose had gotten weed off Eric Yorkie so she wanted to have a hurricane party with me and Al, and maybe Jess and Lauren. In terms of shenanigans, her house was the way to go. Alice's mom was the most accommodating – and Eleazar gave us rides sometimes – but Rose's parents were the most lenient so depending on what we were doing we planned accordingly.

"Mom?"

She turned from the stove, where she was stirring something.

"C'mere, taste this," she urged, holding the spoon out.

I took it and sipped gingerly, wincing from the heat.

"Sorry, it's hot," she said, frowning as she adding some sort of spice.

"I noticed," I said, licking my bottom lip. "Um, it's good. Needs…"

"Cumin, right? I knew it."

"I guess."

I stood beside her for a minute, watching the trees blow fitfully outside the window.

"Mom."

"Hmm?"

"Is it cool if I stay at Rose's tomorrow night? We have a half day…"

"There's a storm tomorrow, Bella," she said, as if I didn't know.

"I know. We're gonna have a sleepover."

She shook her head. "I don't think that's the best idea. You should be home in case anything happens."

"Mom," I groaned, trying not to whine and failing. "It's not even a hurricane – "

"Yet."

I rolled my eyes. She picked the most inconvenient times to get parental.

"I know you're not rolling your eyes at me."

"Well, I think you're being unreasonable," I mumbled.

"Bella, you're at Alice's or Rose's every weekend. Would it be so bad to spend one Friday night here with me and Dad? We can do breakfast for dinner… I'll make crepes."

I could see this was a lost battle.

"C'mon… you loved breakfast for dinner when you were little," she coaxed, tugging on my hair.

Exactly. When I was _little. _"I know…"

I knew she just missed me, that she missed being together. She'd gone from seeing me before, during and after school every day for three years to hardly seeing me at all.

"Fine. But can I go over on Saturday?" I asked, relenting.

"As long as things have calmed down, I don't see why not."

Now she was using the Calm Teacher voice. I loathed it.

"Awesome," I said dryly, shuffling back out of the kitchen to call Rose.

She answered right away. "Hey."

"I can't go. My mom's all freaking out over the stupid storm."

"Yeah, I don't think Alice can come either."

"Why not?"

"Eleazar got a bad progress report or something…"

"So _Alice_ has to stay home?" I asked, confused.

"Or something, I don't know. Whatever. Call her."

"Yeah, I will. I can come on Saturday though," I said, secretly glad Al couldn't go either. I hated missing out.

* * *

Wind whipped through the palm trees in the parking lot, making them shift and sway. I loved storm weather, especially when it got us out of school.

"You wanna go to the beach?" Jake asked, slipping his backpack onto his shoulders. "Everyone's heading out there right now."

I didn't bother asking who "everyone" entailed; I already knew.

Besides, there was something forbidden and exciting about going to the beach when a storm was coming. The water was going to be insane.

"Yeah, I'm down." I grabbed a hold of Alice. "You want to come with?"

"Can't," she said. "I promised my mom I'd be early today. But I'll see you at Rose's tomorrow."

"Okay."

Rose could come though, so we followed Jake down to his car and climbed into the backseat. The new boy was there again, the blond. His name was Jasper and he was an army brat, apparently.

The beach wasn't far, and within five minutes we were pulling into the sandy parking lot of one of the smaller beaches on Hutchinson Island. I recognized Emmett's jeep amongst the others already there.

The wind was a lot crazier than it had been at school. I quickly tied my hair back into a loose bun, securing it with a knot.

It had been a week since the kiss, and for once I wasn't looking forward to seeing Edward Cullen. I mean, on one hand, every cell in my body yearned for him. But on the other, I did have some semblance of self preservation. Having him ignore me over and over was going to hurt and I didn't know if I was strong enough to handle it.

Rose linked her arm through mine. I looked up at her and she smiled, shaking her head softly.

She knew me, knew my faces. I was so glad she'd come with me.

Jensen Beach didn't have the biggest waves, but on the right days it did have some steady, decent swells. Storms brought out all of the diehard surfers, from the old locals to the high school hotshots. There were a bunch of them out there today. I wondered which one Edward was.

Jasper eased down on to the sand beside me.

"Where's Jake?"

"Went back to the car to roll a joint," he said, squinting in the afternoon sun.

"You going in?" I teased, nodding toward the water.

He smiled. "Not too much surfing where I'm from."

"I thought you were from all over," Rose said, kicking off her flip flips and wiggling her toes in the sand.

"Yeah, I am." He picked up a handful of sand and let his sift through his fingers. "Nowhere like this though. I was in Texas before I came here, way inland."

I nodded, stuffing my socks into my sneakers.

Jake showed up, already puffing away. He handed Jasper the joint and sat. "You guys want any?"

I glanced at Rose. "No, I'm okay."

Rose looked like she was seriously considering it.

"Tomorrow!" I hissed, pinching her arm.

Jake shrugged and looked out on to the water, laughing suddenly. "Ah, what an asshole!"

I tried to see what he saw. "What? Who?"

"Emmett completely wiped out. That had to hurt."

Sure enough, Emmett trudged out of the water a minute later and collapsed on to the wet sand. Two other guys came out right after, one of them kicking water onto Emmett before walking over to us.

Edward.

I turned to Rose. "Talk to me," I whispered, my heart thundering than the waves on the shore.

She bent her head toward me and started talking about some guy's boner during Spanish class. She had me giggling in seconds with her foul language and facial expressions.

"Hey Bella." Tyler stood in front of me, smoking Jake's joint.

"Hi, Tyler," I said, looking up at him. He looked a lot different in the daylight, sober and bright.

I made sure not to look too far left. I could see Edward in my peripheral, dripping wet and shirtless, squatting beside Jake.

He made me as nervous as he ever had except it was even worse now because he totally knew. He didn't acknowledge me so I didn't acknowledge him and after awhile it became a little easier to pretend I didn't care.

Eventually he picked up someone's skim board and began coasting up and down the shore, very obviously showing off. A tiny part of me wanted him to fall on his ass but of course he never did. Instead I just watched him be perfect, the muscles in his stomach and back shifting and tensing with his movements.

My heart was fickle bitch, betraying me over and over again.

* * *

This was it, the moment of truth.

Rose, Alice, Jessica and I sat in a little circle on Rose's floor.

After trying – and failing – to follow the YouTube video's directions on how to roll a joint we opted for the little glass pipe Jessica had borrowed from her older sister. Well, more like stole… but Shay was in college and would never know.

I was super nervous. What if I tripped the hell out? What if I got paranoid? I'd heard stories. What if Rose's parents knocked on the door?

"Okay, so…" Rose picked up the lighter and the pipe, "I guess we'll just smoke this and if we want more we'll just pack it again."

She tried to light up but nothing happened, except for the nugget looking a little singed on top.

Frowning, she looked at the rest of us.

"Did you plug this thing?" Jessica asked, pointing to the hole on the side of the pipe. "I think you have to plug it and then let go."

"Oh, okay."

This time Rose's face turned purple as she coughed. She handed the pipe to Alice, who then gave it to Jess, who then gave it to me. I watched everyone's reactions, not wanting to look too spazzed even though they kind of did already.

"We can refill it," Rose wheezed, now laying flat on the floor.

I took as big a hit as I could handle, immediately feeling the burn deep inside my lungs.

At first I felt a little weird, but then it mellowed out into a slow warmth.

It didn't take long for the giggling to start. Alice said something about sucking so hard, which made me laugh, and then it was over. We were all over the place after that, making runs to the kitchen for munchies and smoking more once the high began to wear off.

"We should call the boys," Alice suggested, her normally expressive eyes now silly little half moons.

"What boys? _The_ boys?" I asked, trying on a pair of Rose's toe socks.

"Yeah. You think Jasper's with them?" she asked.

I looked up, forgetting the socks. "You like him?"

She grinned, all dreamy and slow. "I think he's hot. He smiled at me during lunch once."

"Shut. Up," Rose said, reaching for her phone. "Bella, call Jake."

"You call Jake."

"You guys are friends, he'll come if you call," she insisted, tossing me the phone.

"I thought the whole point of this was to smoke without anyone seeing how dumb we looked," I said, throwing it back at her.

"Maybe we can go to Sonic," Jessica moaned from somewhere on the bed. "Oh my God, their fries…"

Suddenly Rose handed me her phone, again. "Jake's on. Ask him."

I snatched it up, glaring at her. "Jake?"

"Bella? What's up?"

"Nothing. We're just chillin'. What are you up to?"

"Chillin'. Where are you?"

"Rose's house."

"Okay…" he trailed off.

Alice inched closer, motioning for me to continue. For a second I forgot what they wanted me to say but then I remembered.

"Um, Jake."

"Um Bella."

"Can you come for us?"

"… I guess. We're not really doing anything right now."

"We smoked," I blurted out.

"No shit," he chuckled. "Well, give us about fifteen minutes. You wanna meet us downstairs? It's kinda late to be ringing the doorbell…"

Crap! We'd have to sneak out. I hadn't thought about that.

"Yeah, okay."

"He said in fifteen minutes," I said, hanging up. "But we have to meet them outside."

The phone rang. I jumped, picking it up immediately. "Hello?"

"Bella, it's me again. Doesn't Rose live in a gated community?"

Thankfully, Rose's house wasn't too far from the front gate. We slipped out of her house and walked along the sidewalk, trying to keep it down. It was hard though. Everything was funny.

"So where're we going?" Jake asked once we'd stuffed ourselves into the backseat.

Emmett, who was sitting shotgun, had offered Rose his lap but she turned him down. Either she was paranoid or she didn't want him knowing the effect he had on her.

"Sonic," Jessica said.

"I could go for that," Emmett agreed. "Tell Edward to meet us there instead."

_Wonderful._

_So much for secret stony times. _

Jake turned his music up so loud by butt was vibrating. With every breath I took the music tickled along by back and to my fingertips. I wasn't just feeling it, I was _feeling_ it.

Way too soon we parked up at Sonic, settling into one of the little drive-in spaces.

A minute later a loud horn blared at us from the space next door. Edward and Tyler got out and walked over, hanging in the window. "You guys getting food for real?"

"Yeah, why not," Jake said, turning to us. "What do you guys want?"

Edward's eyes flickered to me but I looked away before he could. Even through the hazy sweetness the anxiety threatened to seep through and I pushed it down, not wanting to think about that just then.

Jessica began rambling her order, stopping only to let Jake repeat it back to the speaker. I tapped Alice's leg.

"I gotta pee," I said. "Come with me?"

She nodded and opened the door. We crossed the lot and went inside, trying not to look so glaringly high beneath the bright neon lights. I felt like everyone who saw us knew for sure.

When we got back the carhop was already delivering our food.

"That was fast," I said, sliding back into my spot.

"You were gone for awhile," Rose said.

"No we weren't…"

"Whatever, get in. Let's go," Emmett said, clapping his hand against the side of the car.

"To where?"

"Anywhere but here."

"Helpful, Emmett," Jake laughed.

Edward stuck his head inside Jake's window again. "We can go to the garage, but we have to be quiet."

"Cool."

Edward nodded and got back into car. We followed him onto US-1 and drove back toward Jensen.

"What garage?" Alice asked, yawning.

"It's an apartment above my garage. No one's living in it, so we go there to smoke sometimes," Emmett answered.

"But…" – my mind was racing through all sorts of scenarios –"are your parents in the house?"

"Yeah, but they're asleep."

"We have to be _really_ quiet," Jake reiterated.

It didn't take long to get to there. Jake parked on the curb and we filed out silently after him and Emmett. Edward led the way, up the stairs alongside the garage. I lagged behind, really hoping that I wouldn't be too loopy in front of these people.

Or that Edward would continue being a dick in front of these people.

_Ugh._

I got to the top of the stairs and slid past Emmett, who locked the door behind us.

"They used to rent it out, but it's been awhile," he explained, dropping his keys on the counter.

My high was wearing off. I knew we'd probably smoke again, but for now I was clear headed and a little surprised at where we'd ended up.

Edward took a sandwich bag full of weed from his pocket and tossed it to Emmett. "Roll a fatty."

Rose sat next to him. "I just want to watch. For educational purposes."

"Whatever's clever, Blondie."

He finished in record time and for the second time that night I found myself sitting in a circle, ready to partake in the sweet, sweet cheeba.

Edward's stuff was so much better than whatever Yorkie had given us. It smelled and tasted divine. I was set after one good pull. I nearly choked, coughing my lungs out.

"Yeah, that was a good one," Emmett said approvingly, hitting me on the back. "Ain't a toke if ya don't choke."

I was good. Better than good; I was great.

Until Edward sat down right next to me, slow motion perfection. "Want a shotgun?"

"What's that?"

He stuck what was left of the joint into his mouth –but backwards—leaned really close to me and blew a stream of smoke right into my open mouth.

"Thanks," I whispered, smoke wisping from my lips like words I couldn't say.

* * *

_thank you for each and every review. i can't even begin to express how surprised and happy i am people like this. :)_

**songs:**

**You're a Jerk - New Boyz**

**I Got 5 On It - the Luniz**

**Brown Sugar - D'Angelo**

**Kaya - Bob Marley**


	5. Amber

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to the sweetest, fluffiest beta ever, Nic. hearts, bb. hearts._

* * *

It felt like limbo.

Sometimes he was just… in his own world, beautifully – and terribly –untouchable, my very own Jake Ryan or Jordan Catalano.

But other times I felt this tangible connection between us, a split second where our eyes would meet and he'd smile this little smile and I'd know he was thinking what I was thinking. His arm would brush mine as I walked by or he'd sit by me to roll a joint, and I'd revel in the closeness.

For weeks we went on like this. I wished, sometimes, he was more like his brother. Emmett was pretty touchy feely with everyone. My one consolation was that while Edward wasn't all over me, he wasn't really all over other girls either. At least, not that I could see.

Not that I could ask Jake about it. That would just be weird.

* * *

Jake and I were in the mall parking lot, waiting for a couple kids to get out of the late movie. Rose and Al had gone in to get sugary pretzel sticks from Auntie Anne's but I was feeling lazy, kind of tired from having to run the mile at school earlier.

I eventually asked the question that had been rolling around my head all evening. "Where's Edward?"

Jake shook his head, flicking his cigarette out the window. "Grounded."

"For what?"

"His mom found his stash again."

_Yikes._

"That sucks."

"No kidding," Jake mumbled. "He's always getting busted for the same thing, it's so dumb."

I quieted, silently lamenting the fact that the apple of my eye was a no-go tonight.

"He acts like he doesn't give a shit but he needs to chill because one of these days they're gonna send him off."

"Send him off where?"

"Military school."

"What?" I laughed. "That's a little dramatic, isn't it?"

"His mother is a criminal prosecutor," he said, eyeing me sideways. "She's _very_ dramatic."

I could understand that. My father was a cop. I knew all about respecting the law, even if I didn't actually do it all the time. If he and my mom knew I was smoking… I didn't even want to think about it.

I also didn't want to think about how much it would suck if Edward got sent away. Ugh.

"I mean, don't get me wrong," Jake continued, checking his phone for a text. "She's nice and all but she don't play around."

The girls got back into the car, sugar cinnamon sweetness wafting in with them.

"You want, Jake? We got extra."

* * *

Jake wanted a pool table of his own. He said he was tired of always having to go to Carmen Vega's, and besides, she was graduating at the end of the year.

We saw a pretty cheap one on Craig's List but it was still more than what he had. In the end, he and Emmett went halves and put it into Jake's basement. His parents weren't as relaxed as the Vegas, but there were only a few of us coming over on a regular basis so it was cool.

I liked the new arrangement. Jake lived pretty close; if I really wanted, I could ride my bike over. He usually came to pick me up though, which was better. Showing up sweaty and gross wasn't my idea of fun.

It was also good because now I could learn to play pool without an audience. I mean, the guys were usually there but by this point I'd gotten used to Emmett, Tyler, and Jasper. Edward still made me nervous but he did that regardless of whether I was making a fool of myself or not.

The weekend before Halloween we were all in the basement, goofing around. Emmett and Rose were trying, as usual, to teach me to shoot.

Rose adjusted my hand. "Just… yeah. Put your fingers like this…now slide it through…"

"That's what she said," snickered Tyler.

I rolled my eyes as everyone tittered. These jokes had been going on all night.

"You know you wanna laugh," Emmett said, bumping me with his hip. My ball went flying off the table.

Jake picked it up and rolled it back across the table. "Damn, Bella, you're gonna kill someone."

"You guys aren't helping," I complained, straightening up.

Edward came downstairs, tossing his phone back and forth between his hands before pocketing it. He was finally ungrounded, and coming around again. I took a deep breath and refocused my efforts, trying to get the little striped ball into the corner.

Rose grabbed my hips and shoved me over. "Now… like I showed you. Ignore those fools."

Slowly, I positioned my cue and this time managed to get the ball within an inch of its intended destination. Rose rubbed my back encouragingly. "Perfect."

"Shoot it into that corner," Tyler said, rubbing chalk onto his cue. Apparently they were getting ready to play a game of their own.

I leaned over, placing the cue between my fingers.

And then Edward was beside me, his body pressed lightly to mine as he steadied my arm. He smelled good, like fresh air and ocean, and my stomach tightened in yearning. He rested his chin on my shoulder and slipped his arm beneath mine, helping me hold the cue just right.

"Like this."

I tried not to visibly shiver from his breath tickling across my cheek. We took the shot and, of course, it sailed right in.

I glanced up at him as he stepped back. "Thanks."

He shrugged, smiling his crooked smile. "You're getting better."

I handed him the stick, wiping my palms on the back of my cutoffs, my heart still pounding from his touch. "You're playing now, right?"

He nodded, grabbing the triangle to rack the balls.

I turned to go upstairs, drawn by the smell of Mrs. Black's fry bread. She often made extra when Jacob's friends came over and I'd craved it since the first time I'd tried it.

Edward's voice floated after me. "Bring me back a piece, Bella."

* * *

On Sunday afternoon the beach was packed.

My mother dropped us off in the parking lot and we walked the rest of the way in, sweating in the blazing sun.

"Ugh. I can't wait to get in the water," Alice moaned, wiping her forehead. "Where the hell is autumn?"

"Ew, no. I like the heat," Rose said, tightening her ponytail. "This is the Sunshine State you know."

I dropped our towels onto the sand. "I'm with Alice on this one. We need to go north when we graduate. I'm all about actual seasons."

"What time did Jake say they would be here?"

I shook my head. "He didn't."

Alice unfurled her ginormous beach umbrella and stuck it into the sand. "Well, I'm not waiting around. I'm about to pass out."

We stripped down to our swimsuits and jogged down to the shore, white-hot sand burning the bottoms of our feet along the way. There were a lot of kids splashing around and a couple of guys out further, surfing, but it didn't really look like anyone we knew.

Some days the water was murky and riled up from rough weather, but today it was clear and perfectly tepid. We stayed in forever, moving with the waves as they rolled in, trying to avoid little kids with floats.

A familiar blonde head caught my attention: Jasper. I squinted, shading my eyes against the glare. Yep, they were all here. I fought against the inner tug to get out.

"Hey, isn't that Jake? And Jasper?" Alice asked, her hand slippery on my arm because of the sun block I'd lathered on.

"Looks like it."

My faux nonchalance amused even me. We assumed casual positions, looking anywhere but the crowded beach.

I was dipping my head back to smooth out my hair when someone jumped in right next to us, creating a splash so huge water went up my nose.

Emmett. Of course.

"Stupid," Rose said, smiling and splashing back.

He dove under and came up beneath Rose, grabbing her and tossing her further out, only to chase her.

I wondered when they'd just get it on. They had serious chemistry.

Then again, I had similar thoughts about my own lack-of-love life. The closest I'd been to Edward lately had been the shotgun he'd given me weeks before. It felt like he was into me, but he then never acted on it. I was getting tired of thinking about it, of dissecting it to death in my head.

Mental ping pong gets old, fast.

Jasper, Jake and Edward started throwing a football around with a couple of other guys. I watched for a minute, contemplating whether I should get out or stay.

My fingers decided for me; they were starting to get wrinkly from being in the water for so long.

"I'm getting out," I told Alice, adjusting the tie on my suit so my boobs didn't spill out.

"Yeah, me too."

I didn't bother telling Rose. She and Emmett were still horsing around.

* * *

I felt the shadow fall across my face, the drops of water cool on my sun-warm skin.

Moving my arm, I peered up at Edward. He looked celestial, the sun blazing a halo behind his head.

He shook his hair, wetting me.

I sat up, shielding myself. "What's up?"

"Why aren't you in the water?"

"I was in earlier."

"So?"

"So…" I got to my feet, a little self conscious in the smallness of my bikini. His eyes trailed across my skin, visually connecting the dots.

The beach had cleared out considerably. Alice and Jasper had left to take a walk a while before. I could just barely make out their far-off figures now as they strolled further and further away.

"Did Jake… go?" I asked, looking around.

"Yeah."

"Oh." I paused, running a hand through my hair, now crisp with salt. "So how're you getting home?"

"I drove," he said, looking at me funny.

"Oh, yeah." _Duh._

We walked down to the water's edge. With the sun receding and the wind picking up, the water felt cooler now. I poked a toe in, not sure if I wanted to commit to being fully submerged.

"You live pretty close, huh?"

I looked up at him, surprised. "Kind of, yeah. Right across the bridge."

"Do you want a ride?"

"Are you leaving now?"

"Soon."

Inner fist pump. "Yeah, okay. Thanks."

He waded in and I followed, stopping when the water hit my butt.

"You think this is bad, try coming early morning to surf," he smirked. "You'd freeze your ass off."

"Sounds great," I said sarcastically.

He dipped under and came up, flipping his hair out of his face. "Come on."

I took another step and he yanked me forward, pulling me flush against his body.

The shivering was back. He had to feel the way my heart was racing; his chest was touching mine.

He moved backward, deeper into the water, and I hooked my fingers around his neck.

I couldn't look away from his eyes, the green in them all bright and lit up from the water and the sun. He gazed right back, his hands sliding lower, skipping past my bottom to my thighs. He lifted me a little and I wrapped my legs around him, taking in our closeness like I was thirsty and it was something to drink.

I wanted to kiss him.

So I did.

After nearly a month of wishing and wanting and not understanding him or even myself, kissing him now was bliss. Maybe there had been others for him in the past – _of course_ there had been others – but there'd never been anyone for me. It made me crazy and volatile inside, this Pandora's Box of youth and emotion.

This kiss was different from the first one, sort of slippery and salty. I could feel the change in his breathing, the shallowness in mine. He shoved his hands into my hair, his fingers tangling in the knots.

I didn't want to stop. I didn't want him to stop. I wondered how long he'd wanted to do this, and why he hadn't done it before, why he'd kept me waiting, why I'd let him.

He pulled away, his eyes opening slowly.

My words were gone, dragged out in the riptide of kissing. He rubbed his hands up and down my back, slowly releasing me.

"I should bring you home."

I nodded, tucking my hair behind my ear as we came out of the water and on to the sand. Edward waved for Emmett and Rose to come in.

Jasper politely offered to give Alice a ride home, which she accepted. Normally her mother wouldn't be too keen on some guy she didn't know driving Alice around, but we figured she'd deal with that later. The rest of us rinsed off in the outdoor showers and loaded our stuff into Emmett's Jeep.

Since I lived closest, they dropped me off first.

I kissed Rose's cheek before sliding out of the car. Edward jumped out to walk me to the door, surprising me again with his sudden attentiveness.

"Thanks for the ride."

"It's cool." He paused, one hand on the gate. Then he leaned close, his lips brushing my cheek. "Later."

"Bye."

I went inside and stared at myself in my bathroom mirror, wondering what he saw when he looked at me.

* * *

Someone threw a huge party the following weekend for Halloween. My dad almost didn't let me go, citing under aged drinking and dangerous pranks as reasons I should stay home, but in the end I got him to relax.

I had a curfew though, at midnight. I'd never needed a curfew before freshman year; we never went anywhere. Now that I had one it felt too early. Rose didn't even have much of a curfew, but she tended to go home when Alice and I did. I had a feeling that would change if she got a boyfriend.

It was one of those nights where I was feeling especially pretty, wearing a strappy black sundress with an open back. Alice had blow-dried my hair, and I couldn't stop touching it, liking how the silky smoothness felt beneath my fingertips.

One would think that the passing of time, and another kiss, would have diminished Edward Cullen's effect of me – instead it only seemed to intensify it. I wanted to look good; I wanted to make it impossible for him to ignore me. It sucked going to different schools… it always felt like we were starting from scratch.

My phone rang. "Jake?"

"I'm turning down your street now," he said, his voice muffled by wind.

"Okay. We'll be out front." I slipped my phone into my purse and nodded at Alice. "Ready?"

"Yep."

My parents were in their room, watching TV.

"Bye, guys," I said, ducking in to give them kisses like I always did.

"Midnight, Bella. I'm serious," my father said, frowning at my dress. "You're wearing that?"

"Charlie," Mom sighed, rolling her eyes. "This is the kind of stuff I used to wear…"

"My point exactly," he said, giving her a pointed look.

Okay, I _so_ didn't want to know what that was all about. "We'll be on time, I promise."

"Tell Jake to drive safe," my mother said.

When we got to the party there were already so many cars that people had begun parking in the field adjacent. There were people everywhere. I didn't even know this kid – he went to private school – but the boys did. Not like it mattered. There were so many people milling around, some of them in costume, that it made Rose's birthday look like a play date.

I grabbed Alice's hand and stuck close to Jake, not wanting to get lost in the shuffle. It was loud and rowdy and unfamiliar, and not the kind of place I'd want to be stranded.

We found the keg, grabbed cups and started drinking. We found Edward, Emmett and Tyler smoking on the back patio. We found Rose, Jessica and Lauren in tow. We had our own little party for awhile.

Emmett taught us how to French inhale.

Edward gave me another shotgun, his hand on my waist. I gave him back his smoke in a kiss, craving more, craving him.

"What're you thinking about?"

He grinned lazily down at me, hands in his pockets. He looked even better than usual, in just jeans and a t-shirt. But then again, he looked good in everything.

_How good you look. _"Nothing."

He nodded, his eyes twinkling mischievously.

"Really." I took a sip of my beer, the condensation from the cup running down my wrist.

"No one's ever thinking about nothing," he said, standing close enough to touch.

Twelve o'clock came way too quickly. I was too keyed up by the beautiful boy's flirtations to even think about being in my bedroom, let alone trying to sleep.

"I don't want to go home," I moaned, tossing my empty cup in the trash.

"So sneak out," slurred Jake.

"Dude. I thought you were taking it easy on the alcohol tonight. Who's gonna drive me?"

"I'm okay to drive," Jasper said, sliding an arm around Alice.

"Thanks, Jasper." I looked at my phone again, as if checking the time neurotically would force it slow down or stop.

"You should sneak out," Jake said, belching. "It's tradition. Do it."

"I've sneaked out before…"

"Not from your house," he insisted.

I looked to Alice. "You down?"

"I'm down. As long as we don't get caught."

"Obviously." I smiled, elbowing her. "Well let's go then."

Jasper held out his hand for Jake's keys, but Jake resisted.

"You're not driving," Jasper said, snatching the keys anyway.

"I'm just coming for the ride."

"Fine. Come on, let's go," I said, looking at Edward. "Hey… I gotta go. But I think we're going to come back."

Edward frowned. "What do you mean?"

"My curfew's like… now. So I have to go…"

"But they're sneaking out," Jake hiccupped.

"I'll come," Edward said, setting his bottle down.

I nodded, trying to act casual when really I felt like cheering.

Jake shook his head, smiling. "I get it. You guys go. I'll be here."

"You sure?" I felt kind of bad; we were going to be taking _his_ car.

"Yeah, but hurry up."

Alice sat up front next to Jasper, leaving me in the back with Edward. I popped gum into my mouth and made Jasper drive with the windows open to help us "air out". Best case scenario, my Dad was already asleep. Worse case? He'd be watching TV in the living room instead of the bedroom.

Too soon we were turning up my street. Jasper turned down the music so it wouldn't announce our arrival and pulled up to the curb, a couple doors down from my house.

"Text me when you're ready," Edward said. "We'll be right down the street."

"Okay." I opened the door and paused. "I…don't have your number. To text you."

He dug his phone from his pocket. "What's yours?"

I gave it to him. He called me right away. "There."

"What is with Edward? He's all over you now," Alice whispered as I unlocked the front door.

"I don't know. I can never tell with him."

"But still," she breathed, and I could hear her smiling.

"Yeah. It's… " _making me fly so high right now _"I don't even know. I don't want to know. I just want it."

Surprisingly, the house was dark and still. We tiptoed inside and I motioned for Alice to go on ahead to my room. I knocked softly on my parent's door and creaked it open just enough so we could see each other.

"We're home," I whispered loudly. My dad snorted in his sleep and rolled over. My mother peered blearily at me.

"Okay, baby. Good night," she yawned, waving.

By the looks of things, I'd guess we had maybe a half hour before we could leave again. They were probably already back asleep but it was better to be safe than sorry.

I turned off the kitchen light, which was always left on for me, and returned to my room. Alice and I talked quietly on the bed, killing time. When I felt the coast was clear I pulled my phone out of my purse, shooting off a quick text to Edward.

_ready when u r_

A minute later my phone chirped softly and I flipped it open.

_5 mins. b outside_

As a kid, I'd always wanted a two story house. As a teenager, I'd never been so grateful that my bedroom window was so close to the ground.

Alice crawled out first and I followed, judiciously closing the window with a soft click. We moved stealthily around the side of the house and out to the sidewalk to where Jasper and Edward were idling.

Back at the party, things were still raging. There was litter all over the field and I cringed inwardly, thinking of this poor kid cleaning up the next day.

We found our group right where we'd left them.

"Good timing. We were just about to smoke," Emmett said, firing up a blunt.

"You're always just about to smoke," someone said.

There weren't enough chairs around the table. Edward pulled me onto his lap, adjusting me so I was sitting sideways. I smiled shyly at him, hoping I wasn't heavy or anything.

"Don't pull too hard. It makes you cough," wheezed Tyler as he passed it.

I nodded and took my first hit. As careful as I tried to be, it still tickled and burned. I coughed once and inhaled deeply and then… it was like gossamer settling over me; everything softened – sight, sound, feeling. Warmth effloresced through my body.

Felt so good.

Taking another tiny pull, I handed it back to Edward, feeling the rise and fall of his body as he inhaled and exhaled. The smoke smelled good, like incense or something.

I felt a hand on the small of my back. It wasn't the first time he'd done it and I loved that he kept touching me there.

I looked languidly into his eyes, liking how the flames from the nearby tiki torches reflected in them.

Come to think of it, I liked everything right now.

"What?" he asked, his mouth curving into a sleepy smile.

I licked my lips; cotton mouth was setting in. Everyone else was talking quietly, so I hoped no one would hear me. I knew I was going to sound, well, _high_.

"It'll sound dumb," I whispered.

"Tell me," he whispered back, clearly enjoying my silliness.

I bent my head so my lips were at his ear. "There was fire dancing in your eyes."

He laughed, leaning his head on my arm.

"See? I told you it was silly. The torches…" I trailed off.

He looked up at me. "Your eyes are doing it too."

This made me ridiculously happy.

Jake appeared at my side, two bottles of juice in his hand. He looked liked he'd sobered up some.

"Apple or grape?"

"Apple," I said, gratefully taking and opening the bottle in one movement. I was parched and downed it in one long gulp. "Thanks…"

But he was already gone, chatting up some girl I hadn't noticed before.

I glanced down at Edward, who was leaning back in our chair, his eyes closed. He looked so angelic when he was relaxed, the tiniest hint of a smile teasing at his mouth.

I wanted his mouth.

"No falling asleep," I said, poking him.

"I'm not," he murmured, his eyes drifting open. He squeezed my hip and let his hand fall.

I wondered if he had any inkling of the way he made me feel.

"You wanna go somewhere?"

My heart slammed in my chest. "Like where?"

"Like… I don't know. "He pushed me gently off his lap and stood up, checking his pockets for whatever. "Come on."

I tugged Alice's hair as we passed by. "Just text me, okay?"

She nodded, reabsorbing herself into Jasper.

Edward slid his arm around my waist and kept it there until we were in the field where he was parked. He sat me on the trunk of his car and moved in between my legs, much as he'd done the night on the beach. Only, I was wearing a dress this time and no one was around.

He swept my hair back and brought his lips to my ear. I felt all the breath I had go out in a big whoosh and a sensation of lightheadedness overcame me. I turned my head to him, and then his mouth was on mine.

The denim from his jeans rubbed my inner thighs and I realized I wanted him to _touch me_ but I was also afraid that he would.

No one had ever touched me like that, but maybe one day soon, I'd let him.

He kissed me until the stars spun and my heart beat counter clockwise and my lips felt sated, raw and used in the most sacred of ways.

* * *

**songs**

**Bloodstream - Stateless**

**Amber by 311**

**Good People by Jack Johnson**

**Starry Eyed Surprise - Paul Oakenfold**


	6. We Own the Sky

All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization. Twilight & character names belong to Stephenie Meyer.

many thanks to Nic (nicnicd) the best beta ever. such a peach.

* * *

Back when Edward was still too far away to touch, sometimes I'd think "if he'd kiss me, just once, I'd be happy."

Right.

He kissed me once and it had infected me with a need for more. I felt like a junkie for his attention, his touch and _most especially_ his kisses.

I mean, I knew what he tasted like. And every time we coalesced that way it made the wanting worse.

I couldn't even be cautious with myself anymore. I knew, acutely, that this could very easily end in heartbreak disaster for me. Every time I allowed myself a dose of him I simply added another layer to my future maybe-pain. But I didn't care.

Well, I cared, but it paled in comparison to the rush that was Edward-right-now.

Because nothing felt like this, like him, and when he offered to drop us home at the end of the night his fingers tickled along the underside of my thigh, unspoken whispery things of how good he could make it.

He and Jasper dropped Alice and me off at the end of my street again, staying parked in the shadows until we'd made it to my bedroom window. I didn't even hear when they left; one second there was a glint of metal visible in the dark, the next there was nothing.

We crawled back into my window in the earliest part of dawn, when the sky is black as pitch but beginning to soften around the edges. I fastened the lock as quietly as I could before taking my shoes and dress off, leaving them in a little pile beside the window.

My head hit the pillow – there would be glitter and mascara on it tomorrow for sure – and I fell asleep next to Alice.

* * *

Sunday was one of the few days my dad was home. It wasn't every weekend, either, just sometimes. I knew as soon as I woke up that he was there because I smelled sausage _and_ bacon. No one made breakfast like my dad.

We ate breakfast with my parents and then rode our bikes down to the beach.

The Pena's lived in an apartment building on the other side of US-1, so Alice had been keeping her bike in our garage for years. We lived in a neighborhood well-suited for riding, kind of quiet with wide sidewalks and slight hills. Before, we would've ridden to the Intracoastal and found a place to relax but now it was all about the scene.

The scene being Hutchinson Island's beaches across the bridge.

"Remind me again why we didn't catch a ride?" We were cycling uphill now, approaching the middle of the bridge. The view from up here was gorgeous –when you weren't battling to breathe.

"Because," laughed Alice. "It's a pretty day."

We crossed over the midway point and started coasting down the other side. From there it was about a five minute flat stretch to the beach.

"Think anyone's here yet?" I asked, locking my bike.

Alice shrugged. "If they're not they will be. Did Rose ever text back?"

"Yeah… she just woke up."

Al gave me knowing smile.

"I bet she stayed out all night," I mused, shaking a pebble from by flip flop.

"I hope she doesn't sleep with him."

"I don't…" I was about to say I didn't think she would do that, but I realized I wasn't sure. None of us had ever slept with anyone, but Rose had always been rather advanced. "Yeah. I hope not."

As usual the beach was already full, blooming with umbrellas, blankets and towels. We set up where we usually did, between the wooden walkway and the lifeguard, and covered ourselves in sun block.

Rose texted, saying her mother would drop her off in about a half hour. Then Jasper messaged Alice, saying "they were on their way".

I watched her smile and put her phone away.

"So…what's up with you two? Has he asked you out?"

"Not really. We're just…chillin."

"But he likes you."

Alice slipped her sunglasses down over her eyes and lay back, smiling. "Yeah."

"I'm glad," I sighed, gazing out at sea. I loved my sunglasses. They made everything golden.

The boys got to the beach around the same time as Rose. She sank down beside us, handing us popsicles she scored from the lady in the parking lot.

"Hey Bella."

"Hi Jake… hey Emmett."

"Hey, girl." He shot Alice and me with a water gun and continued on to the shore.

Edward tossed his stuff down and peeled off his shirt.

He smiled a little when he picked up his skim board. "Hey."

My tummy fluttered. "Hi."

It's weird seeing someone you've been thinking about, especially when you've been thinking about kissing them.

"So everything went okay, right? You didn't get caught going back in."

I shook my head. "No, it was all good."

"Cool." He nodded, straightening up. "I'm going in."

"Okay," I said, acutely aware of how lame my communication skills still were.

He stared at me for a minute, long enough to make me squirm. "You coming in or you just gonna bake there all day?"

I laughed a little, tucking my knees up. "I'm coming in soon."

Emmett yelled something from the water. Edward waved at him and took off, glancing back just once.

Rose snorted, watching Edward jog down to the water. "Oh, he likes you girl."

I exhaled slowly, my insides as warm as my outside. "A little, yeah."

"A little?" She made a face. "What happened to your self esteem?"

"Gone with the wind."

"Shut up, loca," Alice said, poking me savagely with sticky, cold fingers. "He likes you –"

"Did Jasper say anything?" I interrupted.

"No. Do you want me to ask him?"

"No!"

"Oh. Well, anyway it's like…he's just super flirty. This _is_ how he's telling you. He's not gonna break out poetry or some crap."

"I know," I laughed, poking her back. "Although, Ben quoted poetry to Angie. On, like, their second date.

"Yeah, Ben _would_ do that," Rose said. I just knew she was rolling her eyes behind her huge sunglasses.

"I think it's sweet," I said.

"It is sweet," agreed Alice. "But it's not Edward."

After the popsicles we were sticky and gross anyway, so we went for a dip.

"I want to learn how to do that," I said, watching the boys whip up and down the slick sand.

"Go ask him." Rose gave me a small shove. "I bet he'd teach you."

"Yeah right."

"Yeah, go ask him Bella."

I spun around, coming face to face with Jake. "Ugh, shut up!"

He splashed me. "Nah, I'm serious. He'd teach you."

"I'd break my behind."

"How exactly does one break one's ass?" he asked, laughing.

"By falling on it. Repeatedly," I said, splashing his face.

"Wimp."

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, your reverse psychology isn't working."

"Whatever." He stood up straight and dunked me on his way out of the water.

We chilled a little while longer and then got out.

"Bella."

I paused, looking at Edward.

"Do you want to try?" He held out his board.

"Um, definitely not."

He frowned. "Why not?"

"She'll break her ass," Emmett said as he skimmed by. I gave Jake the finger for telling them what I'd said.

"Whatever. Come on, get on."

Great. There's nothing like knowing for sure that pain is coming your way.

I carefully stepped on to the skim board.

"Now all you have to do is stay on while it's moving." He grinned. His teeth looked really white against his tan.

"Easier said than done," I said, trying to focus on his words and not his fineness.

"Maybe. Here…" He nodded for me to get off and then he backed up a little, board in hand. "Do what I do." He waited for a wave to break and wash up on shore, and then tossed the board down before running and jumping on to it. I watched as he rode it a few feet down and then turned, almost like he was riding a skateboard.

"I bet you rode a skateboard as a kid," I commented when he jogged back.

"I still do sometimes," he said. "Okay, you try."

I tried. About a million times. And fell about a million times.

By the time I finally managed to stay on for an extended amount of time I had a bruise the size of Key West on my left thigh and what looked like sand burn on my knees.

It felt really good to finally do it though. I decided to end on a high note.

"Thanks for letting me ride it," I said, my legs all rubbery as I walked the skim board back to Edward.

His smile was wicked and quick. "You can ride it any time, Bella."

Yeah. The bruises were worth it.

* * *

Beach days faded out as the weather finally caught up with the season.

We still went sometimes, but it was to chill in hoodies and smoke, not go in to the water.

Edward and I fooled around sometimes, but not always. A lot of the time there were so many people around, or there was just nowhere to go. It's kind of obvious when you're in a room full of people and then you just, like, disappear. With a guy. Jess did that one night with this kid Nico and she heard about it for a week.

And then there were the times he didn't even seem to be on that wavelength. He'd get stoned and just sit there with his boys, messing with the sound system in his car or whatever.

Times like that I just kept to myself, and my friends. I was never going to be the type that sought him out if it didn't look like he wanted seeking.

"You need to take initiative," Rose said a couple of times.

And maybe I did. I didn't know.

The first night of Christmas break we were all at Jake's. His mom had gone down to Miami for the night to visit some relative who was ill, leaving Jake's older sister Rachel and her friend Leah in charge. They were stoners, even worse than us, so they didn't care what we did so long as we didn't have a bunch of people over.

I definitely preferred smoking to drinking, but when Rose came downstairs with jello shots I couldn't help myself. I hadn't had them since her birthday party back in August.

Alice joined us and soon we were totally buzzed. Rose threw herself in the middle of a pool game, rubbing her ass up against Emmett – which he liked, of course. Alice and I curled up on the couch in the basement, gossiping and people watching.

Jasper walked by, raising an eyebrow. "You girls down to smoke?"

Alice let him pull her off the sofa, dragging me with her. We stumbled upstairs to Jake's bedroom where Edward was packing a bong. He looked up when we shut the door.

"Lock it."

I went back and locked it.

"Em's being a dick, so I don't want him knowing we're smoking."

I settled down beside him. "Why not?"

"I got busted for having weed again, but I left the house anyway."

"Your parents don't know where you are?" I asked, a little shocked.

"They probably do. Whatever." He lit the nugget until it burned bright and then pulled hard, filling the chamber with thick, white smoke before sucking it down.

Bubbling, inhaling and exhaling. We passed it around until there was nothing but ash and the sweetest smell.

"Nice. Thanks, bro," Jasper said after a moment.

Edward lay back on the carpet. "Any time."

Inching back, I leaned against the side of the bed and closed my eyes, listening to the muffled bass from the music downstairs.

"Why're you so far away?"

I dragged my eyes open. Jasper and Alice had sneaked out.

"I don't know."

His voice was soft. "C'mere."

I smiled dopily at him. "No."

He was up in a flash, walking on his knees until he was right in front of me. He stood up and sat on the bed, patting the spot next to him. No sooner had I sat than he was kissing me, his hands on either side of my face. He pushed me onto my back and leaned over me, kissing my neck.

It felt really, really good. So good. I wondered if people could have orgasms from kissing.

When he put his hand on my stomach and started moving it up, I pulled out of the kiss.

"Hey…"

"What?"

"This is Jake's bed… we –"

He yanked his hand away and got up, pulling me with him like he was on a freaking mission.

Which, maybe, he was.

We walked into the hallway, and went into the room next door. It was a pretty non-descript bedroom, decorated with seashells and stuff.

"Whose room is this?" I asked, watching him close the door.

And lock it.

"No one's." He shrugged and kicked off his shoes.

My heart began pounding. I guess we'd never been this alone before. There had been houses, but with parents. Or no parents, but we were outside, or inside but surrounded by people.

I slipped my flip flops off and when I looked up, he was right in front of me.

My breath caught and then he was kissing me again, taking steps forward so that I had to step backward. We eased on to the kind of ugly aqua comforter, his knee between my legs, one of his hands behind the base of my neck.

This was different than usual. Wet, warm kisses, slightly sloppy. I liked the weight of his body over mine, liked the solidity of it. This time when he reached beneath my sweatshirt I let him, shivering when his fingers found my bra and slipped below it.

He pushed up against me, making my legs fall open so that he was between them. I thought there was something in his pocket, his cell phone maybe, but then I realized no… that was _him._ Holy crap.

He hooked his finger in the neck of my shirt and tugged it down, kissing the skin beneath. He kissed and then he sucked and then he did it again; the feeling was so deluxe I was free falling in feel good, lost in sensory overload.

Suddenly he pulled away. "So, listen."

I looked up at him, blinking away the daze.

"I don't have anything on me…"

Still, I just stared.

"So what do you want to do?" he asked, his gaze traveling down to my mouth and then back up to my eyes.

Was he asking for sex? To do it without a condom? Was he wondering if I wanted him to go get some?

"I don't know," I whispered, shrugging. "I'm… I don't know."

But I did know. I couldn't just do it, not like that in Jake's guest room on the ugly comforter. Not when we hadn't even like, discussed it.

He nodded slowly, his face expressionless. "I'll be right back."

He jumped up and went to the door, adjusting himself before leaving.

I fixed my bra and then sat up to fix my hair, too. I probably looked like a wild banshee.

Ten minutes later it occurred to me that Edward wasn't coming back.

Not only that, but I'd completely and totally missed curfew while we'd been making out.

_Shit._

I got up and straightened the comforter so it looked presentable, then left the room, pulling the door shut behind me. There was a light on underneath Rachel's door, so she was probably in there, but otherwise the second floor seemed empty.

I made my way downstairs, wondering where Edward was, where my girls were.

I saw Rose first. She was in the kitchen, drinking what looked like a bottle of water. I had to pass the living room to get to the basement door, and that's when I saw Edward. Watching TV with Tyler. Jake was asleep on the couch next to him.

For the first time ever, I was so mad at Edward Cullen I could spit.

He was sitting there, cracking a smile at something Tyler was saying. As if he hadn't just left me upstairs by myself.

Asshole.

He glanced up just then, his face impossible to read. I glared at him and started going down the basement stairs that Alice, Jasper and Em were just coming up.

"Jasper, can I get a ride home?" I asked, trying to remain calm. "I … fell asleep and now I'm late."

He patted his pockets, grabbing his keys. "Yeah, come on. Let's go."

"Do you want me to come, Bella?" Alice asked, yawning.

"You can come for the ride but it might be better if you stayed at Rose's. If I get caught coming in late it's over."

Jasper waited until I'd unlocked the door before pulling away.

Stepping inside, I closed the door as quietly as I could. Except for the kitchen light, the house was dark and quiet. I hadn't seen my father's cruiser out front, so I knew he wasn't home. I tiptoed toward my room, holding my breath.

"Isabella Marie."

I halted. _Shit shit shit!_

"Yes?"

"What time is it?"

"One forty five."

My mother appeared from the shadows, all creepy in her robe. "And what time were you supposed to be home?"

I chewed my lip. "One."

She nodded. "You're grounded. For the rest of the weekend."

"But it's the beginning of Christmas break!"

"You should have thought of that before. Be happy Dad's not here. You smell like cigarettes and God knows what else. Good night."

She turned and shut her bedroom door before I had much of a chance to respond.

Well, that just _sucked._

_

* * *

_

The next morning I texted both Alice and Rose to let them know I was grounded until Monday. It could have been worse, I knew that. My mom could've really gone nuts and grounded me for a week or some crap. Or, like she'd said, Dad could have been home. _That_ would have been a disaster. I was going to have to be a lot more careful.

There was a knock at my door. "Bella? You up yet?"

I burrowed down under my blankets.

"I'm going to the Farmer's Market down in Fort Pierce. You want to come?"

"No, that's okay," I said. I wasn't that desperate.

Something bounced off my head – a pillow, maybe. "Come on, it'll be fun. Like old times."

I poked my head out. "Is this why you grounded me? To force me along on errands with you?"

Mom pursed her lips. "Don't be a brat. Get dressed; I'm leaving in ten."

A half hour later I was following my mother around the booths at the farmer's market, nibbling on the chocolate Danish she'd gotten me for breakfast. When I was little I'd come with her all the time but as time went on it got boring for me. The same people, week in, week out, selling the same stuff. My mother loved it though.

The market was situated right along the waterfront in downtown Fort Pierce. Mid morning sun shone brightly on the water, making it glisten and sparkle.

It wasn't that bad. A little chilly, which I loved.

I wondered what Edward was doing, if he was asleep. I felt so twisted up inside when it came to him. He was confusing. Sometimes he was all over me, sometimes it was like we were just friends. Sometimes he was warm and sweet, other times distant. Seriously, his mood swings were giving me whip lash.

Guys always harassed girls for having PMS but what was their freaking excuse?

My mother's voice cut through my ponderings. "Bella, come look at these."

I shoved the rest of the Danish into my mouth and rejoined her.

Alice spent the day with her mother, baking sugar cookies to give as gifts. Rose stayed home too, but she said she was going out later. Lucky wench.

I'd checked my email about thirty times, done my laundry, and cleaned my room. I was going crazy. I hated knowing my friends were having fun without me; it sucked majorly.

I wanted to be pissed at my mom, but I didn't even have the energy anymore. She kept on dragging me out to do family things, like helping with dinner and sitting with her and dad to watch police chase shows like COPS and World's Worst Drivers.

In the end I stole two of her Tylenol PMs and went to bed early.

The next day was Sunday. I begged my mother to let me go to Alice's, even suggesting she could come along, but she saw right through me. I stayed in my room that day, reading and refusing to participate in any more forced family fun.

Jacob texted me, asking when "my sentence" was up and texted back, telling him "tomorrow".

I startled awake sometime around eleven. The book I'd been reading had fallen to the floor at some point as I dozed. Yawning, I dragged myself out of bed and in to the bathroom to shower. I'd been slumming it all day but there was something truly nasty about going to bed dirty.

I'd just pulled my pajamas on when a text came through. I sighed, having a feeling it was Jacob, drunk dialing again.

But it wasn't. I didn't quite recognize the number.

_You up?_

My heart stuttered. _Yes_

_Let me in?_

Frowning, I looked at my window, but the blinds were down so I couldn't see anything. I peeked through and then jumped back, a little startled.

Edward was on the other side, his hoodie drawn up like a damn creeper.

I shot across my room, locked the door, and then returned to the window to let him in. He pulled himself through and landed with a soft thud, flipping his hoodie back.

"I didn't know your dad was a cop!" he whispered loudly. "I saw his car out front and came this close to leaving."

"Why are you here?" I asked, not unkindly. My heart was hammering in my chest. It was so weird having him in my room.

He shrugged, toeing his sneakers off. "You weren't around."

My heart warmed, but my mind was still a little peeved at his trick from a couple nights prior.

"So?"

"So. They said you were grounded."

I wondered who "they" were. Jake? Rose?

"I got in late the other night," I said, turning to sit on my bed. "From Jake's."

"Sucks."

"Whatever," I said. _Yeah right._ I'd been going stir crazy.

Suddenly Edward flopped back onto my bed, folding his arms beneath his head. "I bet you have glow in the dark stars on the ceiling."

I blushed, because I so did.

"Turn off the lights; I wanna see."

I stood up to turn the lamp off but remained standing.

"Come here."

"No thanks. Last time I did that you left me in Jake's guest room like an idiot."

I heard the sheets rustling. "Yeah… sorry about that. I just, I don't know. It felt weird."

"You should have just said that. Said anything."

He stayed silent.

I turned the light back on and he blinked. "Don't you have something…less bright?"

There was a pile of Christmas lights in the floor from earlier when I'd been testing them. I plugged that in.

"That looks kind of cool," he said, sitting up.

"Yeah."

We stared at it for a moment. Then I looked at him, and he was looking at me. He reached over and pulled me closer, onto the bed with him so we were face to face.

"I don't get you."

He let out a long breath, tracing the back of his knuckles along the contours of my cheeks. "Sorry…"

And he sounded like he was.

We lay there like that and stared, until he came closer and kissed me.

I pushed him gently away after a second. "Stop messing with my head."

He looked down and all I could see were those long, long eyelashes. "You think I mess with your head?"

"You know I like you."

"You like me?" he teased, his pretty green eyes flashing.

"Shut up," I said, shoving him.

He inched down and kissed my neck over and over until he was sucking on it, like last time.

"So… you're a virgin?"

"Yes," I whispered, wondering if it was that apparent. It probably was.

He nodded, coming closer still until he was so next to me that he was on top of me. We kissed long, slow, deep, a kiss like sex. "You let me know, then," he said, his voice barely audible over the pounding of my heart and the rushing in my ears.

This time when he pushed his way between my legs he pushed my t-shirt up, too. I started shivering, from nerves and from the cool air hitting my bare skin.

If I thought his mouth was warm on my mouth, it was burning on my breasts. I tried to stay quiet – my parents were asleep in the next room – but it nearly impossible.

The kissing became kind of rough and desperate, and he unbuckled his belt and opened his jeans, pulling them down a little. Then he moved in close again and I could feel his dick right through his boxers and my pajamas, feel it like it was _right there_. He moved against me over and over, grinding on me, and I could tell it felt good for him, too.

I knew I could come if he would just keep doing what he was doing. I wrapped my legs around him and pressed him tight, kissing his face until he kissed back, panting, messy, good kisses.

He pushed his face into my neck and moaned and then I was right there. I pushed back, trying to feel him right where I wanted to be felt and then I crested, mindless, black starry night euphoric.

I think he came right after, because he slowed to a stop and lay next to me, breathing heavily.

I shivered, cold again, and he pulled down my shirt back down.

"You coming out tomorrow?" he asked, buttoning his jeans.

"Probably. Are you… gonna be hanging out?"

"I don't know. Yeah. Call me."

"Yeah? You gonna be all weird with me?"

"Nope." He kissed me and sat up, shrugging back into his jacket. I hadn't even noticed when he'd taken it off. "No weirdness."

"Hmm."

"Sorry to…" he grinned, running his finger along the hem of my shirt so it grazed my skin. "Get it and go…but I have to clean up. And I can't do it here."

"Okay," I said, feeling my face get hot at the thought of it.

I walked him to the window and he let himself out. It was freezing.

"Bella." He gestured for me to lean down.

I did.

"Thanks for letting me in."

We kissed through the open window. "Thanks for coming."

He shoved his hands in his jacket pockets and walked backwards, away from me. "Hey."

"What?"

"If you don't call… I'll call you."

* * *

_2 things:_

_-Edward and Bella attend different schools. i thought this was clear, but it's come up a lot, so... _

_-also, while Bella was 14 when the story began, she turned 15 in september._

**songs:**

**WTF? - OK Go **_(thanks, BohemianBuffalo for the song rec. could it be any more perfect?)_

**Today - Smashing Pumpkins**

**We Own the Sky - M83**


	7. Electric Feel

_**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.**_

_thanks, nic, for another late night session. love and snuggles._

* * *

I was awake for awhile after Edward left.

My body was relaxed but my brain? Couldn't shut down. Images, sound bites flickered by on repeat: the way my Christmas lights backlit his hair, his expression when he touched my face when we were talking. The way he sounded when he came, and right before. I imagined what he'd sound like if we actually _did it_. Imagined the way his face would look.

Imagined how I would feel.

Yeah, I wanted it. I wanted it with him… but it was scary. The physical pain, the emotional pain if he decided he didn't want me. There was no way I was going there until I knew him more, no matter how much I freaking burned and melted for him.

I shifted on to my side. My panties were a mess, all wet. I got up and exchanged them for a dry pair, thinking about Edward driving home with his boxers all gross. Well, he'd wanted it so that's what he got.

Random laughter bubbled through me, giddiness.

Sometimes, he made me feel amazing.

I went Christmas shopping with my mother the next day at the mall.

This was, by far, my favorite time of year. The very air crackled with expectancy; I loved the undercurrent of excitement that flowed through everything.

Back home I wrapped a couple of gifts before calling Alice.

"Hey, girl. You off house arrest?"

"Haha." I eyed my mother and slipped into my bedroom, closing the door. "I am, actually. What's up for tonight?"

"I don't know. Jasper said they might go down to Cityplace to see a movie or something."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

"You going?" My stomach twisted. I wanted her to be with Jasper, but I didn't want to be a third wheel. Still, the thought of being left behind sucked. I knew I could probably call Jake if anything.

"Maybe. I wanted to see what you were doing." She said something to her mother and got back on. "Ugh, she's acting crazy. This time of year, man. If I see another bottle of coquito or container of flan I'm gonna puke."

"Now you're acting crazy," I teased. "Coquito? You need to steal some of that and bring it tonight."

"She knows how many bottle she has. She makes it for customers."

"Oh."

"Yeah, I know. Trust me, I would if I could."

"Maybe she'll be nice and let us taste it like last year…" I mused.

"Maybe. So are you gonna call Jake?"

"Yep. Call you back in a minute."

We disconnected and I called Jake, but it went to voicemail. I was about to toss the phone on to the bed when a text came through.

It was Edward's number.

_Aren't u supposed to be calling me?_

My heart lurched in surprise. Instant butterflies. Jeez, would I never get used to this kid?

I hadn't thought he'd actually follow through, though.

I paused, fingers over the keys, contemplating what I should say. Ugh, impossible.

_Thought u were calling me_

_I texted u instead_

I blinked dumbly at the words. He had a point.

Shaking a little, I called him. I stared at myself in the mirror as the phone rang on the other hand, fixing my hair and trying to quiet the nervousness inside.

Wherever he was, sounded loud. "Hey."

"Hi."

"Jake's here if you wanna talk to him."

"I don't," I said quickly. Mental face palm. He probably thought I was a spaz.

"So why'd you call him?" he laughed.

"To find out what was going on later."

"We might go down to West Palm."

"Yeah… I guess Alice talked to Jasper…"

"So you coming out tonight?" he asked.

"Yeah." I swallowed hard, wishing he was the type to just ask.

Wishing _I_ was the type to just ask.

"Then… I guess I'll see you. I have a couple of things to do but I'll be out later."

"Um, okay. Lemme talk to Jake," I said.

A second later Jake came on. "Bella?"

"Hi Jake."

"Hey… did you…did you try calling me?"

"Yeah, but you didn't pick up."

"Oh, sorry. Didn't hear it. So you can come out tonight?"

"Yeah. Can you pick me up? From Alice's maybe?"

"Yeah. You won't get in trouble for going to West Palm?"

"It's like, forty minutes away. They won't even know we left Jensen."

"Okay. I'll call when I'm on my way."

I texted Alice, letting her know the deal, and then went back into the living room. My mother was curling ribbon with a pair of scissors, swaying along to _The Very Best of Christmas Jazz_ or some crap.

Ah, spiked eggnog. No wonder.

"It's okay if I sleep at Al's tonight?"

She looked up, smiling serenely. "Sure. Just make sure you're home on time."

"I will, Mom. You know Mrs. Pena."

"I do, which is why I don't mind you going."

She'd mind if she knew Mrs. Pena tended to fall asleep early and often didn't even hear us come in.

"Okay. Thanks."

In my room, I rifled through my closet. Floridian weather, especially during the winter, could be unpredictable. It had been chilly the day before, and warm today. Tonight looked like it would be chilly again.

In the end I packed both a floral mini skirt and a pair of jeans. I'd just go with whatever Alice was wearing.

* * *

I wore the skirt. It wasn't too cold, and I'd paired it with a little hoodie anyway. You know; if you go short on bottom, cover up on top and all that. I wanted to look cute, not slutty.

Jake and Jasper picked us up around eight. There was another girl in the car. She was really pretty, if not a little prissy looking.

"Hi, I'm Bella," I said, sliding into the backseat next to her.

Alice gave her a little wave. "I'm Alice."

"Lizzie." She gave us a perfunctorily polite smile and turned back to the window.

I glanced sideways at Alice, frowning, but she just pinched my thigh.

Maybe she was with Jake. On one hand, I hoped so… I wanted him to hook up. On the other hand, I wanted him to be with someone _nice_. I eyed her on the sly. Maybe she _was_ nice. Some girls didn't do well with other girls at first.

Jake turned the volume way up and headed back toward US-1. The streets were still slick from an earlier rain shower, making everything glow and reflect off the ground. It seemed like seconds later he pulled in to the Hess station by Publix, where a couple of other cars were already grouped off to the side, away from the pumps. A bunch of kids were already spilling out of the cars, socializing and messing around.

I saw Edward's car but I didn't see him. He was probably inside, rolling a spliff or something.

Which reminded me. "Alice."

She leaned closer, trying to hear above the music.

"I'm going in for munchies. You want anything?"

"Twix bar. And apple juice."

"'Kay."

We parked and everyone got out. Lizzie stayed close to Jake, just like I thought she would.

I went inside and got an assortment of chocolate and stuff to drink. Rose walked in to the store.

"Hey!" she said, bumping my hip as she joined me at the counter.

I gave her a quick kiss. "Hey girl. You just get here?"

She nodded. "With Emmett and Tyler. And some really weird girl who keeps giving me the stink eye. I think she wants Emmett. Or maybe she's already had him. Can't tell."

I accepted my change from the cashier and smiled my thanks, walking back outside with Rose.

"You think so?"

She shrugged. "Whatever. She's not even cute."

"Yeah, Jake had some chick in the car when they came for us too. Lizzie. She's with him now." I nodded toward the twosome. He was leaning against his car with her standing between his legs.

"Oh, I think she was with him the other night," Rose said, squinting. "Yeah. She's nice I guess. Kind of quiet."

"I'm glad. I wasn't too sure," I admitted, tucking my treats into my purse.

Edward's car door was open now. He looked up when I passed by.

Our eyes met for a second. I saw him really see me, and I was glad I'd worn what I was wearing.

For a second I saw him as I'd seen him the night before, when our bodies were moving together. I imagined doing it naked, imagined those eyes in the dark if he was inside of me. I hardly even knew what that meant; it was so intense and still so far away. But for a minute, last night, it had seemed so close.

He cocked his head and smiled a little. I smiled back, averting my eyes and hoping my thoughts hadn't been plain on my face.

We caught up to the rest of the group. Despite the decision to actually go somewhere tonight, no one was moving. Everyone was just standing around, talking.

"Are we really going to a movie?" I asked Jake, making sure to keep my distance. I didn't want Lizzie thinking I was all weird and in their space. "Cuz it's getting late."

He shrugged, crossing one ankle over the other. "Yeah, I know. We can catch a later show if anything."

I nodded and returned to Alice, who was chatting with Jasper. It occurred to me that everyone looked kind of cozy, matched up. It made me anxious, made my stomach hurt.

He had to be thinking about last night, right? You didn't just… do stuff like that and then forget about it. And he'd promised no weirdness. I was holding him to that. We'd been dancing around whatever this was for months; there was only so much of that I could take.

I didn't want to be the clingy girl, but I wasn't going to be hanging around for scraps, either.

The thought of not hooking up with Edward literally put an ache in my chest but if it came to that, well, so be it.

I glanced at his car. He was talking to someone now.

I really hoped it wouldn't come to that.

Alice, Jasper and I hung around awhile longer and talked. A couple of other cars pulled up.

Emmett walked over, his around slung around Rose.

"We're heading down, I think."

"Finally," I muttered, looking for lip-gloss in my purse.

People began getting into their cars. Jake stopped me from getting into his.

I frowned, searching his face.

"Bella… just go ride with Edward."

I looked back toward Edward's car; the doors were closed and the windows were up. "Oh. Okay."

He gave me a small push and got into the driver's seat.

The distance between cars was like, this insurmountable chasm. I felt like a colt on new legs, every step uncertain.

Taking a deep breath, I opened the door and peered in. No one else was riding with Edward, apparently. Just me.

"Hey," I said uncertainly.

"Hey." He moved his iPod off the seat.

I sat down and pulled the door shut, tugging the hem of my skirt down a little.

"You ready?" He twisted around to reverse out.

"Yep."

I'd never been inside his car. It felt kind of surreal; I was always looking for it on the road and now I was in it. It smelled nice, like leather and beach and boy.

We drove down US1 for a minute, but then instead of heading straight so we could get off at the exit for I-95 he turned down a side street.

He drove to the end of the road and across the bridge, to one of the beaches.

"Aren't we…" I looked around at the darkness outside. "Going to Cityplace?"

He nodded. "Gonna smoke first."

A warm gladness spread through me, butter melting on toast. I loved being with him this way, just spending time.

He turned the music on real low and lit the joint, passing it to me after a couple of pulls. "They'll be here in a minute. We just left first."

I took a few hits and passed it back, coughing lightly.

Softness came down. The haze took on a pretty shimmer, crimson by the lights and dials on the dashboard.

We shared a little more, and when I finally waved it away he outed it in the ashtray and opened the window. The smoke inside the car pulled itself out in long fingers.

Edward had his eyes closed as he leaned his head back. His profile was so pretty. I didn't always get to see him this way, all relaxed and unguarded. His head lolled my way and he opened his eyes.

"How come…" I paused, licking my lips. "We don't talk?"

He gazed steadily at me, his eyes drowsy. "We talk sometimes."

"Not really."

"What do you want to talk about?"

"I just wanna talk to you."

He grinned suddenly. "So talk to me."

"What do you like to do? Besides smoke. And skim board. And surf."

"Sounds like you know me pretty well," he teased, skimming my thigh with his thumb.

I leaned my head back the way he was doing, trying not to lose my words in his touch. It was hard, though. When I didn't respond he looked back at me, resting his hand on my knee.

"I like to read. I read all the time. I'll probably go to law school, like my mother."

That surprised me. Jake had kind of led me to think maybe Edward's relationship with his mom was strained. I guess I didn't think he'd want to do what she did as a career. "Is that what you _want_ to do?"

"Yeah, actually. I doubt I'll be a prosecutor though."

"Why don't you guys get along?" I blurted. I'd wanted to know for so long.

"We do, usually. It's gotten worse. She's always in my business, you know? Because of her job or whatever… she doesn't want me smoking and getting into trouble."

"I can understand that," I said.

He shrugged. "She did the same shit back in the day. So did my dad. I really don't care."

"Yeah, I think my mom smoked. A lot." The thought made me laugh a bit. "Not my dad though. He's always been so … "

"Law abiding," snorted Edward. "He's a cop; it's in his blood."

"I guess," I said, smiling. "So… what do you like to read?"

"Anything. Everything. The classics. The new shit. I like Stephen King…"

"I loved _Carrie_."

"You trying to tell me something?" he asked, squeezing my knee. "You're not gonna go crazy and start killing people on prom night are you?"

"Maybe," I laughed, and it sounded rough in the otherwise mellow velvetiness.

He nodded knowingly and started scratching his thumb against my skin again, this time more on the inside of my thigh.

His eyes seemed darker. "Anything else you want to know, Bella?" His voice was lower. It did funny things to my insides.

"How many siblings do you have?"

"Two. Emmett and Katie."

"Ah, the one you steal shampoo from."

His mouth quirked up. "Good memory. Yeah. She's ten."

"Are you guys close?"

He nodded.

I fell quiet, wondering what Katie was like, if she looked like Edward or more like Emmett.

"Anything else?"

"I'll let you know," I said quietly, gripping the sides of my seat. He was driving me crazy with the way he was touching me.

He leaned over the console, coming closer to me. Instinctively I leaned toward him too, craving his nearness, the way he smelled. He kissed me softly at first but it escalated quickly, making me hot from the inside out.

His hand inched up until it was snugly between my legs, right at the hem of my skirt. I ached inside for him, wanted him to touch, wanted to feel the way I'd felt last night.

Headlights washed across the little sandy parking lot, alerting us to everyone else's arrival. He pulled away slowly, taking his hand with him.

I sat back, trying to steady my breathing.

Someone knocked on his window and he rolled it down, letting in a cold breeze.

"What's up?"

Emmett bent down, resting his arms inside the open window. "What do you mean, 'what's up'? Where's the blunt? You smoked it, didn't you?"

Edward handed him a blunt that had been concealed in the glove compartment. "Here. Chill out."

Emmett reached in, ruffled Edward's hair, and left with his goodies.

People began milling around outside.

"We're never going to get to Cityplace," I observed, not really caring at this point.

"I don't know. You want to get out?"

"Yeah."

We got out and met in front of his car, where he hopped onto the hood and tugged me back so I was standing between his legs, much as Lizzie and Jake had been doing earlier.

My heart started to beat extra quick. He smelled so good.

He'd said no weirdness. Maybe he'd meant it.

Emmett walked over with his blunt. Though I'd had enough I still turned around when Edward tapped my shoulder.

"Want a shotgun?"

I nodded. I'd take anything from him.

He bent down and I stretched up, accepting the smoke and the closeness.

"You want to try?" he asked, removing the blunt from his mouth.

I shrugged. "Okay."

He showed me how to hold it between my teeth so that the cherry wouldn't burn me. Then I pressed my lips together and blew, sending smoke swirling into his mouth. He coughed, giving me a thumbs up and pulling away.

We did eventually make it down to West Palm, talking most of the way in the car. Now that I'd started I couldn't stop and I wanted to know the most mundane details. Then he'd surprise me with a question of his own.

Cityplace was packed, as it tended to be during the holiday season. The movie the boys wanted to see was sold out so we had to settle for something else. In the theatre, I started to follow the group into a middle row but Edward put a hand on my hip and guided me straight back to the last row. We sat in the corner.

Not the best place to see, but I doubted that concerned Edward.

The movie had only been on for a couple of minutes when he threw his jacket over my lap.

"In case you get cold," he said, giving me this sly and secretive half-smile.

I smiled and took a sip of Coke, knowing he was full of it.

Then his hand was back on my thigh, underneath the jacket. He touched my skin like he'd been doing in the car, running his fingers lazily up and down my thigh. I wondered how far he would take it this time.

It was impossible to concentrate on the movie.

This went on for a tiny eternity until he leaned over to kiss me. I kissed him back, loving that I was becoming used to his mouth and the way it fit to mine when we were doing this.

He scooted his hand up, urging my legs open a little, and grazed my underwear. I inhaled sharply, not expecting him to make it there so fast.

"Shh," he said against my mouth. Without warning he slipped his fingers beneath the crotch of my panties and touched me… finally.

Melting, I licked my tongue into his mouth, my mind going on autopilot in response to how good he made me feel. He kissed me back the same way, all the while stroking me beneath his jacket.

It felt so good. I shuddered, knowing I'd be coming soon.

Something loud and violent happened onscreen. People reacted. I didn't look, didn't care. My universe was Edward and what his fingers were doing to me. He slid one inside and I jumped in my seat, breaking the kiss.

"Does it hurt?" he asked. I could tell he was turned on by how his voice sounded. I hope he didn't expect me to return the favor here in the theater; I'd never be able to do it as subtly and smoothly as him.

I shook my head, wordless, my throat tight with wanting.

He slid his finger out anyway and moved it around until I was almost writhing against his hand. So good, so rhythmic; that was it. I came so hard my eyes squeezed shut by themselves. I turned my face the other way, involuntarily slouching down in my seat as he kept up the slow in and out, and grabbed his hand, through the jacket and my skirt. I was way sensitive now.

After a minute I opened my eyes and glanced around the darkened room, trying to see if anyone had noticed what we were doing. It didn't look like it.

Not that I'd cared seconds before.

Edward took a long sip of soda and gazed at me, like he knew what I was doing, what I was thinking.

I wanted to hold his hand but hesitated.

And felt dumb for hesitating.

If he could stick his hand in my panties I could sure as hell stick my hand in his hand.

So I did. He threaded his fingers through mine and settled back in his chair and I felt warm inside.

I imagined his fingers probably smelled like me.

* * *

We walked around for awhile after the movie, getting Italian ice cream and talking. I stuck with my girls, whispering secrets about the things Edward had been doing to me and they listened, enraptured and grinning silly.

"You should wear skirts all the time," joked Rose, licking the last of her gelato off the tiny spoon.

"The thought has crossed my mind," I said, sneaking a peek at Edward. He was up ahead between Emmett and Tyler, his hands in his pockets.

He glanced back and caught me looking. His eyes trailed down to my hemline and then he turned around again, heading toward the parking lot.

My insides quivered.

He was the brightest star.

* * *

_thank you for all of the lovely reviews. i read & appreciate each one. i am a judge for the current Age of Edward contest, so i'm up to my nose in reading entries. plus, i'm pregnant and falling asleep early most nights. so if i don't respond to your reviews for a couple of chapters, that's why. love you guys. xoxo_

_**coquito is like... puerto rican egg nog (for lack of a better definition). feel free to google it._

**songs:**

**You'll Find a Way - Santogold (switch & graeme mix)**

**You've Got the Love - Florence & the Machine w/ the XX**

**Electric Feel - MGMT**


	8. Electric Relaxation

All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

thanks to nicnicd, beta extraordinaire and confidante indeed.

* * *

I knew boys liked skin, I just hadn't realized how much.

He kept his hand on my thigh on the way home, teasing me without even meaning to. Or maybe he did –I wasn't quite sure, but I certainly didn't mind.

When we got to Alice's, where she and Jasper were waiting in the parking lot, I leaned over to kiss him. He stared at my mouth for a long second and then kissed it, licking along my bottom lip before sliding his tongue inside. I wondered where he'd learned to kiss like that.

After that there never seemed to be enough alone-ness.

There was a lot of kissing though. Empty hallways at Jake's, at the beach while everyone else partied a few feet away, inside his car when we stopped to get munchies or whatever.

The problem was, now that I knew what it felt like to come because of him, kissing was hardly enough. I mean, I never got enough of that either, but I so wanted more. He wanted more. And I wanted to give it to him.

Well, not _it_, but I did want to give him something.

Christmas came and went. On New Year's my parents made me go with them to some family friend in Port St. Lucie for a party. Fortunately they let me bring Alice and Rose – I might have choked on boredom otherwise. We snuck champagne and got tipsy and drunk dialed the boys, who were spread out all over the place at parties of their own.

I scooted up a couple steps and sat, curling up on the carpeted stairs.

Edward sounded a little drunk when he answered.

"Only one reason for late night phone calls."

My eyes slid to the clock on the wall. Ten past one. "Oh yeah?"

"Is this a booty call?" he asked, laughter in his voice.

I smiled, chewing my thumbnail. "Sure, why not."

"Don't tease. I might come through your window later."

"You do that anyway," I said, winking at Alice. She and Rose were whispering about something –probably the cue guy mixing drinks in the kitchen. He was like _thirty_ though.

"I only did it once," he clarified. "But I'll do it again."

"My friends are sleeping over tonight."

"They can watch."

"Ew," I giggled, but it was kind of a groany giggle. Ugh. Edward really brought out the inner harlot in me.

He knew it, too, because he laughed. There was talk on his side of the line and then he came back on. "I gotta go, but you better lock your window tonight, Bella."

I loved when he actually said my name.

"Kay. Bye."

"Bye."

* * *

He never did come to my window, but he did start calling late at night.

The first time he was drunk dialing. He slurred non sequiturs until Emmett started cracking on him in the background.

The second time he was straight, and we talked for awhile. I didn't want to get off the phone, not even when I couldn't stop yawning and my eyes started closing on their own. It was like this suspended moment in time, a bubble, and once it popped… it was over. Like I'd fooled him into calling me somehow and once he realized what he was doing he'd never call back.

But he did. He didn't call every night, but he called sometimes, usually after smoking on the roof and sneaking back into his house. We talked about the crazy stuff and the normal. I asked him random things; did he prefer his pancakes sopping in syrup or just barely sweetened? Sopping, he said. I liked them that way too, but I didn't tell him that.

He asked if it was lonely being an only child. I told him it wasn't. I was used to it, and liked having alone time.

We never talked about what we were doing, or what we _were_. I didn't really want to know. It was so formless, like it would float away if I tried to hold onto it too tight.

I guess when it came down to it I'd rather have it than name it.

* * *

Miracles happen every day.

Getting through class the first day back after break (and actually understanding what was going on) even with nonstop Edward traffic running through my brain, was an absolute miracle.

By lunch I hadn't seen Rose all day so when she pulled herself to the lunch table and collapsed into a chair we sort of gaped at her. Her hair was in a sloppy ponytail and she was wearing shorts and an old sweatshirt, which for Rose was seriously bumming it.

"What happened to you?" I asked, nudging her with a carrot stick.

"Emmett happened."

Alice and I exchanged glances. "What do you mean 'Emmett happened'?" I hissed. "Did you guys do it last night?"

"You are so obsessed with doing it," she snorted, settling back in her chair.

"Oh, like you're not," I said, making a face.

"Did you?" Alice asked.

"No."

"Then what did you do?"

Rose smirked, leaning closer. "We hung out at the apartment. Above the garage."

I nodded impatiently. There was no other apartment.

"And… we fooled around. More than usual."

"Oh my God, you sucked his dick," Alice murmured, ripping open a bag of Fritos.

I swallowed my juice before I ended up spraying it. "For real?"

Rose smiled. "After he went down on me."

I sat back in my seat. "Wow."

"Wow is right."

Not that surprising, really; Rose always _was_ the most forward out of us.

"Did you like it?"

She shrugged. "When he did it? Hell yeah. When I did it to him… I don't know. It was okay. Kinda sexy I guess."

"Did you spit or swallow?" Alice whispered.

"Al-lice," I said, flicking her arm. "What is this? You reading Cosmo again?"

She shrugged, grinning. "Go on, Ro."

"I spat."

"I think I would too," I said. Some girls said they liked it, but that sounded like bull to me.

"Me too," Alice agreed.

"Maybe one day I won't, but…I mean I almost gagged," Rose said, blushing a little.

"He probably didn't even care," I said. Emmett seemed so chill about everything.

"He didn't," she agreed. "He was just happy to get off."

Alice crumpled up her trash. "When are you seeing him again?"

"Tonight, probably."

I kind of envied her.

* * *

When the final bell rang, I tossed what I needed into my backpack and left the rest in my locker.

After dawdling around a little Alice, Rose and I walked out to the parking lot with Jess and Lauren. It was super sunny but there was a slight nip to the air. Everyone outside was in hoodies; this was about as close to winter as we were gonna get.

Martin County got out about ten minutes before our school did, so I wasn't all that surprised to see Edward and Emmett parked next to Jake in the corner of the lot, where they always were. My steps faltered but I kept going, like I couldn't stop even if I wanted to. Not gonna lie, I was a little nervous things would be different again now that school had started.

"You gonna talk to him?" asked Alice.

I nodded, swinging my bag around so I could retrieve a piece of gum from the front pocket.

I couldn't _not_ talk to him. If anyone was going to drop the ball, it wasn't going to be me.

There were girls talking to them, as per usual. I could see Tyler flirting with Gianna Russo, which slightly turned my stomach.

Edward was talking to Jake, though. He looked up and saw me, smiling a little.

Jake glanced over his shoulder and waved, moving to talk to someone else.

So, this was it. Moment of truth. The wind picked up, blowing my hair around my face.

This was a lot worse than the intensity of _just crushing_. Liking Edward from afar had been safe, protected. But now the buffer was gone; we had something. And I had a lot more to lose.

He didn't look away and so I didn't look away, even when the staring got a little awkward.

"Hi," I said, coming to a stop a couple of feet away.

He moved away from his car and opened the passenger side. "Hey. I was just heading out… do you want a ride?"

I looked to Alice, but she was already kissing my cheek. "My mom's here anyway. Go. Call me later."

Rose had already abandoned ship, gravitating toward Emmett.

I walked over to Edward's car and tossed my bag into the backseat. "Sure. Thanks."

He shrugged. "It's cool."

Yeah, it was cool all right. This was new for sure.

Edward got in and shut his door, immediately changing the song on his iPod. I wondered if he was changing the music because of me, like I'd hate on what he was listening to. Didn't matter though; I liked what he was playing now.

I glanced out the window to wave to Rose, who blew me a kiss before returning to Emmett. An unfortunate memory of our conversation at lunch tickled through my mind. I swallowed a smile, turning to buckle my seat belt.

Gianna Butterface Russo totally gave me the death glare as we left.

I could've ignored her. But it felt really good to smile instead.

* * *

We pulled into the McDonald's drive through.

"Want anything?" he asked, pulling cash from his back pocket.

I could go either way. "No, that's okay."

"You sure?"

I nodded.

"Don't act all shy now."

"I'm not being shy," I laughed.

He just gazed back, drumming his fingers along to the music.

I smiled, shaking my head "Fine. Um… large fries. And a Coke."

He ordered and we idled in the line, waiting to pull up to the window.

"Are you going to try out for baseball next week?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Maybe. I don't know yet. My parents want me to… think it'll keep me out of trouble."

"But do you want to?"

"I like baseball. Not as much as soccer, but I do like it. It doesn't really make a difference, you know? I'll probably do it just to do something."

We got our food and got back on the road.

"Yeah… I'm not too sporty," I said, holding a French fry up to cool it off. "Not my thing."

"What is your thing?"

"I like writing. I keep journals and stuff… creative writing."

"Yeah? That's cool. Maybe I'll be reading your books one day."

The thought made me smile. And panic. It was one thing to write, quite another to have people read it.

But then he shoved half of a burger into his mouth and winked at me and it didn't matter anyway.

To my relief, my parents weren't home yet. Well, my dad probably wouldn't be home for awhile, but my mom was still out as well.

"You wanna come in?"

Edward nodded, shutting the car off. He followed me inside and waited while I locked the door.

"So… this is it," I said, walking toward my room.

"Cool," he said. I heard his footsteps right behind mine.

He'd been in my room before, but it had been late – and really dark. And, to be honest, he hadn't been there to look around at my stuff. In the daylight though, things felt different.

I dropped my backpack on the ground and observed nervously, glad there were no, like, shrines to his gorgeousness or notebooks with his initials. I'd left such antics behind in junior high.

Eventually he wandered over to my dresser, opening a bottle of lotion and sniffing it. I was just about to ask what he was doing when he turned around. "This is the stuff you wear."

My heart skipped a beat. "Yeah, usually. That's my favorite."

He nodded. "Mine too."

I grinned, looking down.

He sat next to me, bouncing on the bed a little. "So. A bunch of us are going to Universal in a couple of weeks for Emmett's birthday. You should come."

I bit my lip, considering. "When, exactly?"

"First weekend in February."

"I'd love to go, but …I doubt I'll be able to. Is Emmett driving?"

"Probably. A bunch of us went last year; we stayed two nights."

"I probably won't be allowed to," I sighed. "I can't see my mom letting me go to Orlando overnight unless she knows who I'm going with."

"Can't you say it's like… a school thing?"

"No way. My mom's way on top of stuff like that."

"So figure it out. Tell your mom you're going camping or something."

"Camping in Orlando?"

"I don't know," he laughed. "Maybe… but seriously. Universal Studios? What could possibly happen?"

"My dad's a cop. In his mind, it's more like what _wouldn't _happen."

"That sucks."

Well of course now I wanted to go, but I didn't see it happening. Even if my mother somehow agreed to it, my dad would more than likely put his foot down and that would be the end of it. Times like this I wish I had parents like Rose. They were so laid back it was ridiculous.

"I'll ask," I said finally, my stomach already twisting into knots. "Where are you staying?"

"Leah and Rachel are getting a couple of hotel rooms."

"How many people are going?"

He paused, counting silently. "Seven for sure. Nine… ten if you and your friends go."

The front door opened and closed.

"My mom's home," I said, jumping up all guilty as if we'd been doing something.

She walked in before I had the chance to walk Edward out. Crap.

"I was wondering whose car was parked outside," she said, pausing in the doorway.

"Hey Mom. This is Edward… he gave me a ride home."

Edward stood up and walked over to my mother, shaking her hand. "Nice to meet you."

He was so polished and polite I almost laughed.

"Nice to meet you too." It was so obvious she was appraising him. Ugh. _Mom._

I tried to give her the eye, hoping she'd get the hint but she moved along on her own, mumbling something about grading papers.

Edward turned to me, his keys in hand. "I should get going anyway."

"Okay." I walked him to the door and then out to the porch. "Thanks for the ride."

"No problem."

I didn't watch him drive away, because that would've been a little desperate looking.

I called Alice to confer later, when I knew she'd be home from dance.

"Do you think your mom would let you go?" I asked, balancing my phone as I painted my toenails. "She lets your brother do stuff like that…"

"I don't know. I could ask her I guess but, she like, has serious double standards when it comes to me and El. It's stupid."

"Well, I think it's worth a try. I'm going to ask my parents. I'm considering telling them Leah is Jake's aunt…"

"Oh boy," Alice laughed lowly. "Starting with the lies."

"Dude. My dad is so freaking strict. You know how he is."

"Yeah, I know. Just… I don't think you should lie. Too easy to get caught and then you'd really be screwed."

"Maybe I'll just lie on a need-to-lie basis."

Alice snorted. "Nice."

My mom knocked on the door, asking me something. "Okay, I gotta go. Talk to you later."

My parents were not too thrilled with my request. They didn't even take it very seriously.

Dad sat there with this belligerent "hell no" expression on his face. My mom was no help; she just frowned, fiddling with the stir-fry she was cooking.

"Bella, can you set the table please?" she asked, like the conversation was already over.

Gritting my teeth, I grabbed the silverware.

"I just don't think it's a good idea, Bells. You're fifteen years old," Dad said, as if I hadn't realized.

"I know. But Edward went last year and said it was really mellow. We'd be going with Leah and Rachel anyway. They're like, twenty two. We're going in a big group…." I rambled on and on, hoping to wear them down. My father just shook his head, mind already made up.

"No. I think it's a bad idea. Maybe next year." He slapped the table lightly and rose. "I have to give Rick Crowley a call."

And that was that.

I glared at his back, heart sinking. I don't know why I'd even bothered getting my hopes up; I knew before I even asked that he'd say no.

My mother adjusted the heat, turning it to low, and turned to me.

"I'll work on him."

I looked at her, unsure I'd heard what I thought I'd heard. "What?"

"I'll… talk to him. I don't think it's that unreasonable. I'm not crazy about you overnighting, but… maybe we can work something out. Mrs. Pena is letting Alice go?"

"I don't know; she said she'd ask her tonight."

She nodded. "Can't make any promises, but… we'll see okay?"

Hope bloomed, a scrawny flower in the sidewalk. "Thanks, mom." I kissed her cheek and tucked napkins at each place setting.

It was weird. Every once in awhile my mother just… got it.

* * *

"So what did you tell her?" Edward asked. His voice was so close it sounded like he was next to me.

"The truth, actually. She said she'd work on my dad."

"Your mom sounds okay."

"She is, sometimes. I think your mom sounds cool. She lets you do whatever."

"She doesn't know the half of what I do," he chuckled. "Plus she's out a lot. Comes with the territory."

"I guess."

I yawned, holding the phone away. It was going on two a.m.

"You falling asleep?" he asked, like he was a mind reader or something.

"Getting sleepy," I admitted.

"I can let you go."

"I don't – that's okay," I said quickly, not willing to hang up just yet.

"Nah, it's cool. I should go anyway."

"Okay." I tried to keep the disappointment at bay. "So… I'll talk to you soon?"

"Yeah. Night, Bella."

"Night," I echoed, hanging up first.

I turned off the light and got into bed, yawning again. Maybe it was for the best; I was pretty tired.

I swear I'd just dozed off when a text came though. Feeling around for my phone, I sat up blearily.

_You up?_

_I am now_

_Can I come in?_

I stared in shock at my phone, then the window. "Crap."

Like last time, I tiptoed to the door and locked it, then went to the window and unlocked it.

And just like last time Edward hoisted himself in, landing with a quiet thump.

"Thought you were tired," I said, closing the window behind him.

"I was."

He kicked off his shoes and unzipped his hoodie. He was totally in pajamas; sweatpants and a thermal.

"I don't believe you," I whisper-giggled, plopping back on to my bed.

He smirked, coming closer.

"Why are you here?" I asked, bringing him in under the warm blankets.

He snaked his cold hand around my hip, making me shiver. I moved closer into the warmth his hoodie had left behind.

"I don't know, Bella. Maybe I'm just tired of trying to stay away from you."

My heart lurched so hard I thought it had damn well left my body.

"What?" I breathed.

He rolled me on to my back and crawled on top of me. I loved when we were this way; loved his weight. It made me feel taken, like he possessed me or something. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten off by things like that, but I did.

I knew he wouldn't stop at kissing, not when we were so alone, and it was so dark and secret. I didn't want him to.

He pulled me to a sitting position and helped me take my shirt off, then removed his own.

His skin on my skin felt so good; warm, soft, _good_. His mouth was everywhere, on my neck, my breasts, my face, my ears.

Involuntarily, I kept tightening up inside, like my body wanted things I wasn't ready to give it.

"I can't… do it," I whispered.

"I know," he whispered back. He ran his tongue along my breast and I gripped his shoulders.

As long as he knew that I was cool.

I ran my hands over his back, loving the freedom I had to touch him. Looking was great, but feeling was a thousand times better.

He eased back and started pulling my pants off.

"Wait –"

"I'll leave your underwear."

"Okay." I settled back, feeling a little naked; really I almost was.

Then he took his pants off.

Somehow I could feel everything this time, even more than last time. Maybe it was all the skin to skin contact: chest to chest, stomach to stomach, legs, and feet all tangled together. Maybe it was because I'd lost the PJs this time.

Every time he wrapped his lips around my nipple I thought I might come, just from that. Soon he was touching me, and pulling my hand down to touch him.

I wanted to; I just worried I'd be horrible at it.

"You can squeeze tighter," he said, closing his own hand around mine for a second to show me how.

I squeezed tighter and started to pump, noticing that it was already a tiny bit wet on the head. He moved his fingers faster and I opened up more, hitching my leg over his hip when we fell to our sides. It all felt so hot and clandestine and horny. I swore that just the thought of what we were doing turned me on even more.

Not that there was much thought beyond the most primal mind-body connection of touch and feel.

He slipped a finger inside me, and then another. I guessed I moaned a little because he started kissing me again. I kept my hand moving around him the way he'd shown me even though it was getting tired.

It felt like he was getting harder and harder.

His kisses were getting harder, too.

Then he touched me just right; it felt like his thumb brushed over my clit and I came. My knees automatically tried to close, but my leg was still around him.

He laid back, his hand falling away, and I switched hands, wondering if he was going to get off soon and wondering if I could be doing anything differently.

"Don't stop, don't stop," he said out of nowhere.

I didn't stop and he came, warm stuff all over my hand. He finally stopped me, laughing.

"I'm good, Bella."

I blushed in the dark. "Well I don't know…"

"You have anything I can cleanup with?"

"Maybe you should plan ahead next time," I teased, carefully withdrawing my hand.

I got my towel off my bathroom door and gave it to him.

"Thanks…"

"Mhm." I wiped my own hand on another towel in the bathroom and came back to bed, feeling tingly and satiated and anxious all at once.

I expected him to just get up and go, like he had before, but instead he put his pajamas on and lay back, his hands behind his head.

"Did you drive?"

"I skateboarded."

"No you did not!"

He laughed, tweaking my nipple gently. "Nah. I drove."

I shoved him and grabbed my pants, pulling them back on. I found my shirt on the floor and started to slip it over my head.

Edward stopped me before I could get it on, though. He leaned over, lowering his mouth to one of my nipples again. "I like these."

I ran my fingers through his hair, holding him close. "I can tell."

We messed around awhile, and then he got up. "It's really late now."

I pulled my shirt on. "Yeah… late night seems to be your MO though. Phone calls, visits…"

He put his hoodie and sneakers on and went back out the window, like we were playing the night in reverse.

"Drive safe," I whispered, terrified my Dad's shadiness detector would go off and he'd randomly get up to check on things.

"Kay. Night, Bella."

"Night."

I watched him walk away this time. He disappeared into the shadows and a moment later, the hushed vroom of an engine started up.

I shut the window, now thoroughly exhausted, and almost tripped over the towel he'd used.

Yeah, I'd be washing that one myself. My mom was _just _starting to get cool with things, no point in getting messy now.

Pun not intended.

* * *

_thank you for all of the lovely reviews, guys. seriously. gracias. meanwhile, i continue to write and eat and sleep... mostly eat... like a fiend. babies do this to you. sigh._

**songs:**

**Protection - Massive Attack**

**7th Message - Prefuse 73**

**Lady - D'Angelo**

**Electric Relaxation - Tribe Called Quest**


	9. Sweet Disposition

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks Nic, for your beta finesse. te quiero mucho, baby._

_thanks to you guys for all of the reviews. i quiero mucho you all, too._

* * *

The wind blew restlessly over the water, taking whatever warmth the waning sun had and diffusing it.

He pulled away, sort of coughing and laughing at the same time.

"What?" I asked, sticking my hands in his hoodie's front pocket.

"Swallowed funny," he said, bending to kiss me again. Our tongues touched, and then his was in my mouth and mine was in his and it felt so good.

It rocked my world a little, as in I felt dizzy when we stopped.

He pulled away, and I fought the urge to follow. He looked at me for a second before straightening up, hooking his feet around my legs to pull me closer.

I swiped at the edge of my mouth with my thumb.

"Wiping my kisses off?"

"No." I squinted up at him. The setting sun was behind him, making it hard to see his face. "You got my lip wet."

"So I'm a messy kisser?"

"You said it, not me," I said, snuggling closer against the wind.

"Shut up," he said, reaching his freezing hands beneath my hoodie.

"Stop!" I tried to get away but he had me locked in. Luckily he grabbed me before I toppled back on to the sand.

"So who's a messy kisser?"

"I just said you got my lips wet!"

Now he was smirking. "I always get your lips wet."

I shook my head, trying not to smile. "You're gross."

"That's not what you were saying last night," he teased, which was bull – we hadn't even been together the night before. "It was more like, mm. Mmm. Edward…"

"Shush," I said, kissing him really quickly.

"I know what would get you really wet," he continued.

"What?" I asked warily, not trusting him when he was in this silly a mood.

He flicked his tongue at me.

I ignored the automatic tingle I felt _down there_ and played it off. "Whatever. You're just trying to get a reaction."

"It's working. You're turning red just thinking about it."

I probably was; I didn't have to touch my face to know it was warm. Ever since Rose had started telling her dirty stories it had been all I freaking thought about, except in my mind it was Edward doing it to me.

His smile faded. He slipped down off the trunk of his car and stuck his fingers in my hair, turning us around so he had me pinned. I loved when he kissed me like this. The playful parts were sweet and sexy but this? It was so serious, like he had a need that met my need.

I closed my eyes when his mouth moved to my neck, the stinging-sucking sensation almost pulling me under.

"They're not gonna let me go anywhere with you if you leave hickies on my neck," I groaned, pulling him gently back by his hair.

I didn't tell him I wanted those marks everywhere, that it felt amazing when he did it, all warm and hurt-good.

"You never told me what your mom decided," Edward said, circling his thumb around my belly button. His hands had warmed up a little, courtesy of my skin.

"If she can get my dad to agree, I have to call every hour. Seriously. And I have to have my homework done before I go _and _I have to be back by five on Sunday."

"Not bad."

"Not bad?" I echoed. "It'll be like, divine intervention. I'm praying like crazy."

He grinned, wrapping his hands around my hips.

"And she's all in cahoots with Alice's mom, and apparently she's calling Jake's mother tonight. She wants to talk to Rachel herself." I rolled my eyes at that last part, visualizing the WTF look Rachel would have, listening to my mother on the other end of the line.

"Damn, she doesn't play," Edward chuckled.

"Nope."

"So, Jake's bringing Lizzie."

"Oh, yeah? That's cool."

Edward made a face. "Not really. She's clingy as hell."

"Really?" I thought back to the few times I'd seen Jake and Lizzie out together. She didn't seem that bad to me.

"Yeah… she wants him to like, settle down or whatever."

"Does Jake want that?" I asked.

He shrugged.

"Maybe she just really likes him," I said, knowing how the other girl felt.

"Not everything has to be defined, you know?" Edward said suddenly, running his hands through his hair. "Sometimes people just like to go with the flow."

I rolled my eyes.

"What?" He poked my side.

"That's just really… typical," I sighed. "I … there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel secure. It doesn't have to mean you're clingy."

He pulled his phone from his pocket and eyed it.

I freed my hands from Edward's hoodie so I could knot my hair into a bun. "What's up?"

"My mom's riding me to get home. She's making dinner."

Truthfully, I was kind of glad we'd been interrupted. I wasn't in the mood to hash labels out with Edward, not right before the trip. Sometimes it was still surreal that we were…what we were… at all. Other times, though, it felt almost normal.

"Oh, okay. My mom's probably wondering where I am, too," I said, going around to get in to the car.

"Will she be pissed?"

"I … don't think so. Hope not," I said, sitting sideways in the passenger seat so I could shake sand from my shoes.

We reversed away from the beach and back out on to the road. You weren't really supposed to park on the sand, but there were areas along the Intracoastal side that made it easy.

He rolled the windows down, turning the music up as we cruised down US-1. It was my favorite time of day; the lights of the cars and stores seemed saturated against the grey of dusk.

"I'm gonna get one of those," he said, nodding toward one of the brand new Camaros. I didn't know cars, but I knew _that_ car; it was sexy as hell.

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah," he nodded. "Graduation present."

"So, in two years," I teased, leaning my head back.

"I can wait," he said, winking. "A ride like that is worth waiting for."

I studied him, trying to see if this was one of his double entendres.

He clamped his hand on my thigh and squeezed, letting me know it was.

"It'll be worth the wait," I said.

* * *

I was finishing up a history paper, running it through spell check, when my mom knocked on the door.

She poked her head in. "How's it coming along?"

"It's good…almost done," I said, correcting the mistakes that were popping up.

"I spoke to Alice's mother. She said she was okay with the trip if I was." She came in, closing the door behind her.

I turned around in my chair to face her. "So are you?"

She smiled, almost sadly. "I don't know. I would have been devastated if I was you and I couldn't go. But you have no idea how scary it is for _me_ to let _you_ go."

I nodded, because that made sense. "Did you call Jake's mom?"

"Yes, and I spoke to Rachel for awhile." She shot me a look. "I'm not stupid; I know she's barely older than you all."

"Mom, she's like twenty two." Rachel Black could be a hardass when she wanted to be; I could completely see her putting her foot down in Orlando.

"Like I said," my mother sighed. "Anyway. She seems all right. She assured me that the boys would not be rooming with you girls. So, I guess I just have to trust her."

I got up so I could sit next to my mother and hug her. "Thanks, Mom. Seriously… you don't even know how much this means."

She hugged me back. "Everything is a big deal at this age, Bella. I know. But you need to understand that it was not easy to convince Dad to let you do this. I hope he doesn't drive up there to check on you."

I sat back, horrified.

My mother just laughed and stood up. "Relax. My point is that if you want to do things like this sometimes you have to be responsible. Call me every two hours no matter what. I don't care if your phone is dead; use someone else's."

"Mom. I don't leave 'till next week."

"I'm making sure you understand the rules from the get-go."

Nodding, I stood up. "I do. And I really, really appreciate it." I hugged her again, a little overwhelmed she'd actually been able to pull through for me like this.

She smiled, shrugging. "Dinner in ten."

"Okay." I waited until she'd left before skipping over to the computer to go online.

Updated Facebook status: _Orlando, 8 days._

_

* * *

_

Needless to say, the trip was all we could talk about. You'd swear we never got to go anywhere.

Alice was excited because Jasper was going now. Originally he wasn't part of the plan, but when she realized that she had to go in order for me to be able to go, she convinced him. Not that he needed much convincing. Universal Studios and Islands of Adventure were like, rites of passage for any kid living in Florida. The fact that he'd never been made it that much more important for him to go.

The Friday we were driving up, I got a ride to my house with Alice and Mrs. Pena. Like a nerd, I'd already packed, but I wanted to make sure my room was clean and my homework was done. I so didn't want my parents to pull any last minute stunts.

I'd just gotten out of the shower when there was a knock at the door.

"Bells?"

"Hang on Dad, let me get dressed."

"Okay. Meet me in the kitchen."

My heart sank a little. I loved my dad, so much, but if he got all moody on me now I'd freak out.

I pulled on a pair of jeans and a tank top, deciding to throw a cardigan on over it. Didn't want Dad thinking I was being immodest…

"Hey, Daddy." I kissed his cheek and sank in to the chair beside him, trying not to fidget.

"So you all set?"

I nodded. "Yeah. Packed, homework done…"

"You know I don't like this, right? I think you're too young but your mother seems to trust you and the people you'll be with…and I trust her. So, I'm going to let this happen. Do not hesitate to call me if anything happens, Bella. I mean it. I don't care if it's a three hour drive."

"Two hour."

"Bella."

"We Mapquested it!"

"Two, three, whatever. My point is I'm here if you need me. We both are. Just… please be careful."

He looked so concerned it melted my heart.

I hugged him tight, kissing him again. "I promise to call if I need you. And I already promised Mom I'd check in with her every two hours."

He nodded, exhaling dramatically. "All right then. Have fun, kiddo."

"I will. Love you."

He smirked, shaking his head. "Mhm."

"I do!"

"Love you too." He got up and grabbed a beer from the fridge. "Now go before I change my mind."

Alice and Rose both had their parents drop them off at my house so we could all leave together. Emmett and Edward showed up soon after, Jasper right behind them. Without any badgering from me, they came into the house to properly meet (and reassure) my Mom and Dad. Manners and respect went a long way with my parents.

We were on the road soon after that. Edward said Rachel, Leah, Jake, and the rest of the group had already left. We had some catching up to do.

"So what's up?" he asked, texting away furiously on his phone.

"Nothing. Glad to be getting out of town."

"You're not the only one," bellowed Emmett.

"Happy birthday, by the way," I said, ruffling his hair.

"Thanks." He nodded, glancing at me in the rearview mirror. "My birthday's actually tomorrow, but you got the right idea. We can start celebrating now."

Edward laughed suddenly, holding up his phone. "Jake's an ass. He forgot his wallet and had to go back."

Emmett shook his head. "Not surprising."

Soon after that the music went on, loud, putting an end to most of the conversation. I didn't mind, though. Just going somewhere, for two days with Edward, with no parents, was enough for me.

I was also super nervous. I wasn't sure what the room situation would be like, or if we'd have a lot of alone time. In a way, I hoped we wouldn't. I could imagine Edward wanting to go further with me and while I wanted to experiment I didn't want to go all the way. Not yet.

Edward had acknowledged before that I wasn't quite ready to have sex. And while he seemed okay with fooling around in other ways, I had to wonder how much patience he actually had. I'd never told him this, but I'd always imagined losing my virginity at sixteen. I wasn't sure why it mattered to me, but it kind of did.

He looked over at me just then, wordlessly offering me his bag of Cheetos.

My stomach flipped.

It was hard to say no to a face like that.

* * *

Our hotel was more decent than I'd anticipated. I could have totally seen the boys choosing some dingy old motel, but Rachel and Leah weren't about to go that route. We got a Holiday Inn right across the street from the entrance to Universal. I'm pretty sure the girls fudged on how many people would be staying in the three rooms to save money but whatever. That was part of the fun.

Once we'd parked, Edward texted Jake to get the room number.

We climbed out of the Jeep and headed inside, up to the fourth floor. Leah and Rachel were down the hall but the other room was on the fifth floor. We were in the middle of trying to decide who would sleep where, when the older girls walked in.

"Okay, so. I think these four," –she gestured toward Alice, Rose, Lizzie and me – "should take this room. You guys can take the one upstairs."

Emmett snorted. "Are you seriously making us split like that?"

Rachel snorted right back. "Uh, yeah. No one's getting pregnant on my watch, sorry. I promised their mothers you guys would be in separate rooms."

I glanced over at Rose, who was snickering at Rachel's antics. She'd probably just found her new hero.

"That's cool," I said finally, tossing my backpack on to one of the two beds. "Thanks, Rachel."

"No problem," she said, drifting back out into the hall with Leah. "We're ordering pizza in a while."

The door shut behind them.

"Well, I'm gonna go put my stuff down," Edward mumbled, moving toward the door.

Jake whispered something into Lizzie's ear before leaving too, trailed by Jasper and Emmett.

"Do you want to share a bed with me?" I asked Lizzie, not wanting her to feel left out. It had to be awkward sharing a hotel room with three girls you barely knew, especially when they were already thick as thieves.

"Sure," she said, shrugging.

"I wonder if they brought alcohol?" mused Rose, opening her bag.

"They did. Jasper said Leah bought a whole bunch last night," Alice said.

Rose frowned. "That doesn't mean they'll let us have any, though."

"Some of it is Jake's," Lizzie said quietly, crossing her legs. "I think they all pitched in."

My phone vibrated, reminding me to call my mother. "Be right back. I have to check in with my mom."

"Yeah, I should probably call mine too," Alice said as I walked out on to the balcony, glancing at the pool below our room. A couple of people were still in it, floating around.

"Mom?"

"Hey, baby. Get in safe?"

"Yup. We're in our room and the boys are in theirs. Rachel and Leah are right next door."

"Okay, sounds good. Call me before you head out in the morning, okay?"

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you too."

* * *

I woke slowly, pulled from sleep by the freezing cold air conditioner, which we'd left on all night. Lizzie kept to herself when she was sleeping as much as she did when she was awake. She looked like she'd barely move during the night.

I yawned, glad that everyone else seemed to have the same idea of sleeping in.

We'd all planned on waking early so that we could make the most of the day, but after goofing off and drinking late in to the night everyone was exhausted. I rolled to my other side, letting my eyes close.

The next time I woke up, it was to Rose having a loud-whisper phone discussion with Emmett.

I grabbed my bag and went to take a shower, figuring I might as well while everyone was still in bed.

An hour later we were all down in the lobby, trying to decide which park to hit up first.

"I want to do Islands of Adventure today," Emmett said. "And, I'm the birthday boy so…"

He had a point, not that the rest of us were arguing anyway. Alice couldn't wait to go to The Wizarding World of Harry Potter (she was obsessive about the books) and I had to admit I was rather curious about it, too.

At first everyone stuck together, moving from one attraction to another, but as the day wore on we split up into smaller and smaller groups.

By the end of the day, Edward and I were exhausted. We'd just ridden the Hulk again.

"I'm ready to call it," he said, plopping down on to the first bench we saw.

"Text Emmett, see where they're at," I suggested, taking out my phone to find Alice.

Turns out Alice and Jasper were right around the corner, getting something to drink. They joined us on the bench, Alice all excited over her new Gryffindor scarf. We waited while everyone else came wandering back; they looked as exhausted as we felt.

Once Rachel and Leah found their way over, we left to head back to the hotel.

We ordered pizza again – because it was easy and cheap and we were lazy – and drank beer.

"We should tell them we're going to bed," Edward said once Rachel and Leah had left the room.

I glanced up, trying not to burp in his face after huge gulp of beer I'd just swallowed. "Why?"

"So we can go down to the pool," he said. "It looked good last night."

"Yeah, it did," I agreed, remembering how inviting it had been. "Maybe they'll let us go anyway."

"We should just go," he said, making a face. "They're like, worse than my mother."

"That's probably _my mother's_ fault," I giggle-sighed, feeling warm and tipsy. "She was all strict and demanding…"

Edward got to his feet. "I'm gonna run upstairs to change."

"Where you going?" Jake asked.

"Swimming," I said, standing up as well.

Twenty minutes later we were all downstairs, easing into the tepid water.

"Oh! It's warmer than I thought," Alice said, relaxing into it.

"Maybe it's heated or something," Jasper said.

Edward had brought a water bottle full of beer downstairs. He kept sipping at it and offering me some.

"Such an alkie," I said, taking a sip.

"Who, you?" he teased.

"You. Couldn't leave the liquor alone for like, ten minutes."

"First off," he began, moving closer, "it's beer. Not 'liquor'. And second, we're gonna be down here a lot longer than ten minutes. I always come prepared."

"Oh really?"

"Really." He eyed me over the top of his bottle as he finished it.

I felt the wall behind me so I lifted my arms out, resting on the side of the pool. Edward floated over, wrapping my legs around his body. We watched each other for a moment.

Then he stepped back, peeling me away from the wall so that I had to wrap my arms around him, too.

Our bodies were together now, nothing but wet bathing suit between us. I ran my fingers through the hair at the nape of his neck, tugging at it.

"Your hair's getting longer," I said, but it was just something to say.

What I really wanted to tell him was how cute he was, how I much I liked him.

But he knew those things, whether I ever told him or not. My mother had always said my face was like an open book, and Edward was too good at reading me.

"Yeah," he said. "My dad's been after me to get a haircut, so I probably will soon."

I shrugged. "I like it."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah."

"I like you," he said, cocking his head.

Such simple words, but they meant the world to me.

"Yeah?" I said, letting myself smile the way I wanted to.

He squeezed me, holding me tight against him under the water, letting me feel where he was getting hard from having me so close this way.

"Yeah," he said, finally kissing me.

He floated us in to deeper water, further away from everyone else.

We found a quiet corner. He pushed me up against the wall so that I was sandwiched between him and it. We made out like crazy for awhile, a wet push and pull of tongues and lips and mouths.

"Get a room," yelled Emmett. I heard a splash from that end of the pool.

Edward's hands were already on my butt. He moved one closer to between my legs and let his fingers in, playing around.

"Stop," I breathed, wanting him, but not wanting him to right there. "Too many people…"

"Just… touching…" he whispered, grinding once against me. He was as hard as a rock.

"We can't do anything about it," I said, wiggling his hand away. "Not right here."

"Wanna go upstairs?"

"They'll all know," I groaned quietly.

"So?"

"So… it would be really embarrassing to have Rachel Black walk in on us fooling around."

"Shit," Edward muttered, finally detaching his mouth from my neck.

I grabbed his face and held it still so we could kiss again. I loved nothing more.

He moved his hands along my stomach and thighs, gripping and loosening.

"I know you wanna wait," he said after a minute. "And I will. But… "

"I want to do it on my sixteenth birthday," I said, already cringing at his possible reaction.

His eyes nearly bugged out. "When's your birthday?"

"September."

"How about we do it on _my_ birthday. That's in June."

I bit my lip. "I really want to, I just… I don't feel ready yet."

"Maybe you'll feel ready in June."

"Can you even wait 'till June?"

He shrugged, and then nodded.

"You can wait for me?"

"You want me to be your first, right?"

Oh, God. At this point I couldn't even think of anyone else. Ever.

"Yes."

His eyes burned into mine, playful but serious too. "So… then you can be my birthday present."

"Maybe," I said, nodding slowly. "But isn't there, like… other stuff?"

"Yeah, there's other stuff," he said, running his tongue along my ear.

I sagged against him, paralyzed by how good he made me feel. He always knew exactly what to do.

"How old were you when you lost your virginity?" I asked, forcing my eyes open.

"I'd just turned fifteen."

"Seriously?"

He nodded, smiling lazily. "She was going out with Emmett. But then she came into my room one night instead of Emmett's and we screwed around."

"Why?" I gasped. "Does Emmett know?"

He nodded. "He wasn't that in to her."

"But still," I said. "Didn't it mean anything to you?"

He shrugged. "It felt amazing. She showed me what to do."

"That's not what I asked."

"No, it didn't."

We stared at each other for a minute. I wasn't even judging him, not really. I just knew I didn't want my first time to be meaningless.

He smiled a little. "It wasn't, like, a bad thing. We hooked up a couple times and that was that."

And it really was. What could I do? Nothing. I hadn't even known Edward back then.

We were quiet for awhile. The water lapped gently against our skin.

His mouth was so pretty. I traced my thumb across his bottom lip. I loved having access to him like this. He dipped down and kissed me again, a teasing, nibbling little kiss.

"So what 'other stuff' did you have in mind?" he asked, his breath warm in my ear.

"I think you know," I said.

"Tell me," he said, and it reminded me of the first time he'd ever said those words to me.

"I just want to feel you," I said lamely, chickening out. What was I supposed to say? That I wanted him to put his mouth a little further south? That I was curious about how his dick would feel in _my_ mouth?

"Yeah, I'm definitely not letting the two of you sleep in the same room," Rachel said dryly, popping up out of nowhere.

"Bye, Rach," Edward said, not even looking at her.

She laughed and floated away, leaving us alone again.

Edward's eyes shone feverishly. "C'mon. Let's just… go upstairs."

"They'll notice."

He knew I was wavering. "They won't."

I glanced over at the rest of our friends. They were on each other's shoulders now, playing chicken fight.

And just like that, we were out of the pool and wrapped in towels, on our way back upstairs.

"I don't have a room key," I said, remembering.

Edward held one up. "I have mine."

* * *

**songs:**

**Lisztomania – Phoenix**

**Starry Eyed – Ellie Goulding**

**Sweet Disposition – Temper Trap**


	10. Lay Me Down

All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

thanks for the beta work, nic. much love always.

* * *

His room was freezing. I shivered, wrapping my wet towel tighter around me like it would help.

"Shit it's cold," Edward said, going straight for the air conditioner. The unit's buzz tapered off into silence.

My hair was dripping on to the carpet. "I don't want to get your bed wet," I said, trying not to chatter.

He shook his hand through his hair, scattering droplets of water. "Let's take a shower."

That sounded really good, and for a couple of reasons.

We locked ourselves into the bathroom. I sat on the toilet seat while Edward got the shower started. The room filled with steam and I shuddered in relief as the chill began to leave my body.

"I'm keeping this on," I said, adjusting my bikini top as I stepped into the tub.

Edward snapped the shower curtain shut and pushed me up against the wall, making sure to keep us under the hot water. It was almost too hot. I liked it.

"You can keep it on," he said, kissing me.

Water got between our mouths, making me laugh.

He grinned, sliding us a little further from the showerhead so we weren't getting hit in the face.

I reached up, pushing the wet hair from his face. His smile faded, and he lowered his face to kiss me again, softer this time. I closed my eyes, letting myself go with it. I always let myself go with it, especially when we were alone like this. I loved the way he made me feel, sort of fluttery at first, and then tingly.

He reached up and touched my breast, first over my swimsuit and then beneath it, sliding the material aside so he could feel me.

"Goosebumps." He licked the skin around my nipple before sucking it into his mouth.

I slipped my fingers through his hair, watching him do it.

His eyes snapped up to mine and he let go of my boob, coming back up to kiss me again. He pushed his body against me and he was hard again; maybe he'd never stopped. He nudged his leg forward, making me stand with my legs apart, and filled my mouth with his tongue.

It was so easy to get caught up in him.

Someone banged at the door. I jumped little, my eyes opening.

Emmett's voice was muffled. "Rachel's on her way up, dude."

Frankly, I was surprised we'd had as much fool around time as we did; Rachel and Leah had eyes like hawks. Edward held my face and kissed me one more time before backing up, fixing my top as he did.

"Warm?" he asked, turning off the water.

"For now," I said, dreading returning to the cold. "It's gonna suck going to my room like this."

"You want to borrow something?"

There was more banging at the door. "C'mon Bella, let's go." It was Rachel this time.

"You have extra?"I asked, starting to shiver again.

"Yeah, hold on." He tossed me a dry towel and wrapped himself in another one before opening the door. I heard him mutter something about getting me dry clothes.

Rachel poked her head in the bathroom door, smirking when she saw me still standing in the tub.

"Just so you know, I saw you two as soon as you wandered off."

I smiled, biting my lip. She didn't seem mad. Just amused.

Edward pushed past her, holding out a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt.

"Thanks."

He nodded, his eye catching mine for just a second. He shook his head and smiled, shutting the door so I could change.

"What were you two doing in there?" Alice asked, pulling her pajamas on.

"Kissing," I said, wrapping a towel around my head. "It's not like we had time to do much else."

"Would you have?" she asked, grinning slyly.

"Probably. Yeah."

She nodded, sitting on the bed she and Rose were sharing. They knew all about what I had and hadn't done with Edward. They knew what he wanted, and what I wanted.

"Everything he does just… feels really good. And then, I like him anyway. So much. It's like, I want everything he does but I know I'm not ready for it. I don't know why I'm not but I'm not. I feel like I'd know it if I was," I rambled, getting underneath the covers.

"You'll know," agreed Rose, emerging from the bathroom in a cloud of steam. "Not like it's not kind of scary, cuz it is, but it'll feel right." She hadn't slept with Emmett, but their physical relationship was definitely further along that mine and Edward's was.

Then there was Alice, who wasn't saving herself for marriage, but wasn't about to just give it up, either. She said she needed to be with Jasper for awhile before she got hot and heavy with him.

I was somewhere in between the both of them.

I smiled then, thinking about Edward's face in the shower, and how he went from goofy to serious to sexy to sweet. I loved it all, even when it was apparent he was trying to get a reaction from me. Maybe especially then.

The remainder of the weekend was awesome. Rachel remained vigilant, but she was cool about it. In the end, I only forgot to call my mother once; by that point I'd been so on top of it she hardly tripped. After another long day at the parks we left Orlando, so worn out it actually hurt to walk.

"I'm gonna sleep like the dead," Edward said, yawning as he changed lanes to keep up with Rachel and Leah.

"Me too," I said, catching the yawn.

"No falling asleep, now," he warned, giving me the iPod. "I need you to talk to me so I don't doze off."

"I won't," I said, picking out a mellow song.

"Too chill," he said. "Play something loud."

I scrolled through his playlists until I found something appropriate.

Edward walked me in, carrying my bag for me.

My dad, much to my consternation, opened the door.

"Hi, Mr. Swan," Edward said politely.

"Hello, Edward. Hi Bells." He pulled me into a fierce hug, glad (I guessed) I was still in one piece. "How was it?"

"It was great. We had a lot of fun," I said, turning to get my bag from Edward. "Thanks."

"It's cool," he said, brushing his fingers against mine. "I'll talk to you later, okay? I have to check in with my Dad, too."

"Okay. Talk to you later," I said lamely, frustrated that I could hardly even talk to him after a weekend like the one we'd just had.

I closed the door and glanced up at my father, who was still hanging around with this silly little smile. "What?" I laughed.

"You like that boy," he commented.

Ugh. Really?

I shrugged. "Yeah, he's cool."

"Mhm." He peered out the window, watching Edward drive off. "He better behave himself."

"He does," I lied.

"He better." With that he loped off toward the living room, back to his Law and Order marathon, or whatever he'd been watching.

Great. I'd have to ask him to tone it down a little next time. If there was a next time.

I went into my room and collapsed on the bed, tempted to just fall asleep right there.

My phone buzzed.

_your dad's a scary mf_

I laughed quietly, texting back.

_all part of his game_

A few seconds later he texted back.

_just got home. ttyl_

I messaged back and then kicked my shoes off, desperate to climb between the cool sheets of my bed and pass out. It was the good sort of tired, the kind that only comes after lots of fun.

* * *

The next day at school I did poorly on a pop quiz, which just sucked; usually Spanish came easily to me. I knew it was a direct result of me not studying, though, and I also knew what I had to do to rectify the situation.

I caught a ride home with Alice and hit the books, knowing that if my grades began slipping my mother would put the lock down. I couldn't afford to mess up.

By Friday, things were looking better. I didn't have any major tests or reports due, and all the public schools were out on half day due to some district wide teacher's workshop. Edward had texted me earlier, asking if I wanted to hang out after school and I said yes. He'd picked me up a couple of times during the week, but our time together was usually cut short because one or both of us had stuff to do.

Not today though.

Instead of going to the beach or my house he turned down his street. He lived in a nice neighborhood, a little pricier than mine but nothing pretentious. I liked it.

"You know, I've wondered why we never come here," I mused as he pulled into the driveway.

"Cuz someone's always here… my Dad'll stop in or the housekeeper… not today though. My parents are in Miami 'til tonight."

"Oh, okay," I said, following him in to the house. I'd only been inside a couple times; we usually partied as a group in the apartment over the garage. The first thing that hit me was how bright it was; there were loads of windows and a set of sliding glass doors leading out of the living room. The whole floor plan seemed pretty open and airy.

We goofed around in the kitchen awhile. I sat on a barstool, watching him make sandwiches.

"You wanna go swimming?" he asked, sliding a plate across the counter.

"Thanks," I said, suddenly ravenous. "Um, I don't have anything to swim in."

"Go in your underwear."

"You'd like that," I said, taking a bite.

He grinned, chewing.

"Wanna watch a movie?"

I nodded, sliding off the stool and taking my sandwich with me. "Sure."

He led me upstairs to his room, careful to lock the door once we were inside. It wasn't as messy as I'd anticipated, but it definitely looked lived in with clothes hanging over his desk chair and two skim boards balanced against one of the walls.

"What do you want to watch?"

"What do you have?"

He proceeded to ramble off a long list of names. I picked something at random, too anxious to really care. This was the first time in ages we'd been really and truly alone, and we would be for awhile.

Once we'd finished eating, Edward rolled up a towel and placed it beneath his door. He packed his bubbler and lit up, taking a couple hits before offering it to me. I hadn't smoked in a while so after one pull I was fine. He put it down and opened his window wide, letting the room air out.

"That tasted good," I said, lying back on his bed.

"I know. I got it from Tyler's friend."

We relaxed, talking, forgetting about the movie droning on in the background.

And then there was that moment, the one we always came to, when our words tapered off and I knew he was going to kiss me. He tasted nice, like weed and strawberry Fanta.

I shifted over, letting him roll on to me.

He reached down and unbuttoned my jeans. I let him, lifting my hips so he could pull them off. He didn't touch me right away, though. We kept kissing… slow, drawn out kisses. I felt like I was floating or drowning or maybe both; I was high on trees, but high on these lusty feelings, too.

Edward pulled away, onto his knees, and took his shirt off. He helped me take my shirt off too, leaving me in just a bra and panties. I shivered, not because I was cold, but because I was aroused. By the look on his face, so was he. He rubbed himself against me, sliding down my body as he licked and sucked my skin.

"I like when you do that," I heard myself say, finally admitting out loud that it turned me on when he left hickies on my chest. It felt good when he was doing it, and it was like a secret later, when I was by myself, and looking at them.

But then he went lower still, and my heart slammed in my chest.

_Oh my God._

He sucked on my stomach and then went lower, pulling my panties off altogether.

My mouth went dry. I watched him, almost too nervous to move.

When his tongue touched me it tickled. I giggled and pushed his head away, which only made him go back and do it again. It stopped being funny then, and started feeling so good I thought I'd die. His fingers always felt good, but his mouth was a completely different story.

I tried to hold still, unable to believe he was actually going down on me. Still, I didn't want him to stop. I felt myself getting wetter and I was almost embarrassed, but I felt too amazing to make him quit. His fingers went inside me so easily this time.

I touched his hair, nearly incoherent with what he was doing, and started to come. He pushed his fingers in and out, faster and harder; for a second all I could think was I couldn't wait until we were actually having sex.

He climbed back up my body and wiped his mouth. I pulled him down to kiss him, to thank him I guess, and I could taste myself, which was a little weird… but not bad.

Before I could chicken out I got to my knees and started unbuckling his belt.

"You don't have to," he said, catching my wrist.

"Just show me how," I said, getting the belt off and starting in on the button to his jeans.

Not surprisingly, he let me get him naked. I'd never seen him this naked before. Maybe he was thinking the same thing because he reached up and unsnapped my bra. I took it off completely, and then it was just the two of us, bare, in broad daylight.

It was a little weird, but then again, it really wasn't. He'd just had his face between my legs. If there was any time to feel awkward, it would have been then. Besides, I spent so much time with Edward lately that this almost seemed natural.

"Show me," I said again, getting between his legs. I lowered down and licked him, amused by how his dick, like, moved by itself.

He took one of my hands and wrapped it around the base if his dick, like he had the first night I jerked him off. He put his hand in my hair, just barely. "Just… do what feels good, I guess. It'll feel good for me, I promise."

"You gonna be pissed if I can't swallow it?"

He made a face, and then laughed out loud, falling back on his pillow. "I don't think I'm going to care at that point, Bella."

So I went for it.

It wasn't that terrible really, as long as I didn't go too deep. My jaw did start to get tired after awhile, so I just used my hands for a minute. Not that he minded. When I peeked up at him he was staring down at me, his mouth open because he was breathing so heavy.

When he got really hard, like even harder than before, I had a feeling he might be getting close.

"I'm gonna come… " he said. It sounded like he was forcing his words out. "If you don't want it you might want to move…"

I just kept sucking and working him with my hand. If it was horrible I wouldn't do it again.

His hand tightened in my hair, and then he let go. He came in my mouth. I sat up, panicked and focusing on not gagging. He pointed to the trash can and I spat it out.

Then I rinsed my mouth in his bathroom. It wasn't awful, but it wasn't ice cream either.

I looked at myself in the mirror. My hair was crazy and my cheeks were flushed, but I was okay. I'd done it and judging by the sounds Edward had been making I'd done a decent job. _Him_ going down on _me_ was a different story though. I'd be dreaming about that for sure later…

"Sorry," I said, coming back to bed. Edward had put his boxers on. He grinned lazily at me.

"I'm not."

We spent the rest of the afternoon fooling around. He used his hands to make me come again.

The sunlight coming through the windows had shifted a lot since we'd come into his room. It was late now, a lot later.

"I should get home," I said, pulling my t-shirt back on.

He yawned and got off the bed, stretching. "All right. Give me a second."

I wandered around his room while he was in the bathroom, looking at his posters and trophies. Unlike my bedroom, there weren't really any pictures up except for one of him, Emmett, and a younger girl. It was obviously Katie; I thought she looked a lot like Emmett.

"Ready?" Edward asked.

"Yeah."

He came toward me hesitantly, and then pulled me closer. It made my heart squeeze in the weirdest way.

* * *

The house smelled like pizza when I got home. Immediately, my mouth began watering. I hadn't eaten since one or two, when Edward made us sandwiches.

"Hey Mom," I yelled, giving myself the once-over in the hallway mirror before proceeding.

"Hey, honey."

I found her in her room, looking through a box.

"Didn't you guys have early release today?" she asked, frowning as she continued rummaging around.

I snickered inwardly at her choice of words.

"Yeah, we did. Did you guys have it too?" I asked, trying to keep the conversation away from me.

"Well, yes – I mean, the kids did. I was in the workshop. I thought you'd be home when I got here."

"When did you get back?"

"About an hour ago."

"Oh." I tried not to look guilty. "I was hanging out with Edward."

"Ah." She smiled, sitting on the bed. "I had a feeling."

I loved my mother, but her perceptiveness creeped me out at times. It was like she knew more than she let on. I really hoped she didn't – if so she'd probably lock me in my room and lose the key.

Or buy me a chastity belt.

"What? Why? I could have been with Alice or Rose…"

"Are things getting serious with Edward? Do we need to have him over for dinner soon?"

"Mom," I groaned, collapsing onto her bed. "No. No dinners."

"What's wrong with dinner? Boys love food."

"Yeah, but… just…no."

I heard her sigh.

"Okay, how's this. I think you're a little young to be so into a guy but you obviously like him a lot so I won't discount your feelings. _But._ I would like to know him a little better. He drives you around, Bella. I think I should at least know his last name."

"Cullen. I told you that, Mom, when they came to pick us up – "

"You know what I mean. It'll be fine."

"Yeah, especially when Dad goes all creepy cop," I grumbled." It'll be an interrogation. Ugh."

She must have found whatever she was looking for because she closed the box up and put it back in to her closet. "All I'm saying is if you're going to be hanging out with Edward all the time I want the chance to get to know him. Ask him. He probably won't even mind."

I got up, shaking my head. "I'll ask him. But don't be surprised when he goes running for the hills."

Edward didn't say no, to my great shock and slight dismay. He said his mother was curious about me, too.

When I asked him how she knew about me he said something about an earring and Emmett having a big mouth.

My hand shot up to my ear and, sure enough, one of the little studs from my second set was missing.

"You've got to be kidding me," I said, mortified. "Where'd she find it?"

"The hall outside my room."

"That's… embarrassing."

"No, embarrassing would've been her finding it in my bed."

My stomach flip flopped as I thought about what we'd done the day before.

"That's true."

"So…anyway. My dad's birthday is next weekend. You can come if you want… and then you can meet my parents."

"Okay," I said, feeling uncertain. Still, another part of me felt really damn special he'd let me meet his parents. "When do you want to… meet mine?"

"I don't know; whenever. Just give me a heads up so my mom knows I'm not coming home for dinner that night."

"Okay," I agreed, my heart racing at what we'd decided. It made it seem so official. "I'll ask her and text you later."

"Cool. "

"You going out tonight?" I asked, trying not to yawn. Alice had stayed over the night before and we'd been up late, watching movies and goofing off.

"Probably not. Jake and Ty are coming over to lay Call of Duty later."

"Oh, okay. Yeah… I think we're going to hang out at Rose's."

"Well… call me if you get bored," he said.

That made me smile. "I will. Bye."

"Bye."

I threw my phone down on to my bed and went out to the back porch, where my mom was having a glass of wine with one of her girlfriends.

"Hey Mom… excuse me."

She looked up at me expectantly.

"So… he said whenever you wanted to have dinner was fine."

She smiled smugly, raising her glass. "How about Wednesday?"

"Wonderful," I said, plastering a cheesy grin on my face. She swatted my backside with a book as I walked away, saying something about "Bella's boy" to her friend. Seriously, she made me sound like I was seven sometimes.

* * *

We floated quietly in Rose's pool, listening to music. She'd hooked her iPod up to its dock and set it to shuffle, mostly mellow songs.

I loved Rose's pool at night. Her parents always put the heater on for us, so the water was warm and inviting.

I'd told Alice and Rose about my afternoon of experimentation with Edward. Rose was excited, pumping me for details, but Alice seemed more subdued, smiling softly.

"So… what's up? Do you think I shouldn't have done it?"I asked finally, noting her stoic expression.

She shrugged. "If you felt like it was right, then I can see why you did it."

"But…"

"But I don't want you to get hurt. I just feel like… you should guard your heart."

Only Alice could say trite things like that and be totally sincere. "You said, way back, that he liked me."

"He does like you. Obviously. But stuff happens, you know?"

"Is there something specific I should know about?" I asked, my heart plummeting. Had Jasper told her something?

She shook her head. "No! No… I really just mean in general. You're not like Rose."

"What, a cold hearted bitch?" Rose piped up, splashing closer.

"Yeah," laughed Alice. "Although I wouldn't have put it like that…"

"I feel you," Rose said, dripping water from her fingertips. "Like, you're really honest and idealistic about things, Bella. Which is awesome. But it also makes you a bit vulnerable."

"You guys make me sound like such a softie," I complained.

"You kind of are," Alice said, flicking water at me. "It's not a bad thing."

"Why are you only saying these things now?" I asked.

"Cuz you're in way deep, and it looks like you're about to get in a lot deeper," she answered. "Don't get me wrong; I like Edward. I like all those boys. I don't think they're as shady as I once thought. But just… be careful. I love you, querida."

"I love you too," I said quietly.

She wasn't saying anything I hadn't already thought about myself, but it was different hearing it from friends. Still, I was glad she and Rose kept it real with me.

"You're not mad, right?" Rose asked, swimming up.

"No. Just thinking," I said, submerging my shoulders. There was a breeze and the parts of me out of water felt cold. "It's weird, like… when I'm with him nothing else matters. It's just us, and it makes sense. And I love it. I know anything could happen, any time, but when I'm hanging out with him everything's good."

Alice nodded. "I know I don't talk about him a lot, but it's like that with Jasper. I'm just…taking it really slow with him. I like him way too much already."

We stayed awhile longer, chatting until we were pruny and cold, and then we climbed out.

After showers, Alice helped me blow dry my hair so I wouldn't have to sleep on it wet. It was getting long now, and I was caught between cutting it like I usually did and letting it grow out.

"_Where_ is Rose?" Alice huffed, running her fingers through my hair one last time before turning off the hair dryer. "I bet you she's talking to Emmett on the phone."

"Probably," I said, fighting a yawn. I was tempted to text Edward, myself.

Rose came back in to the room, and sure enough, her phone was in hand.

"So how's Em?" I asked dryly.

She rolled her eyes. "They've been playing video games all night and they're still going strong. There are a bunch of them over there. So lame."

"What do you want to do? Watch a movie?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, that's fine." Rose flicked the TV on and settled on the scheduling menu so we could see what was on.

My phone buzzed beneath my butt; I hadn't realized I was sitting on it. I fished it out from the blankets and held it up, smiling when I saw the message. There was something timelessly awesome about knowing somebody was thinking about you, especially when you were thinking about them.

_What r u up to?_

_Nothing. Swimming, movies. U?_

_Call of duty round 72892001_

_Lol yeah rose talked to em_

_He's playing right now. I'm over it tho_

I took a deep breath, deciding to just go for it. I wanted to see him tomorrow.

_Want to do something tmrw?_

_Like what_

_I don't know. movie?_

_I'll pick u up from R's_

_k. call so im ready_

_k. my turn again. gotta go_

_bye_

I knew I had to guard my heart. But I also wanted to follow it.

* * *

**songs:**

**Your Body is a Wonderland - John Mayer**

**Lay Me Down - the Dirty Heads ft. Rome**

**Rock the Boat - Aaliyah**


	11. All I Wanted

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to the beta-wife, nicnicd. she's the peanut butter to my jelly._

* * *

On Tuesday afternoon I had an appointment to get my teeth cleaned. Though I'd have preferred a morning appointment, my mother didn't want to miss any work, so three o'clock it was.

I couldn't say I loved going to the dentist, but it was a necessary evil. Besides, good oral hygiene was always necessary when it came to kissing. I made a mental note to harass Edward about staying on top if his six month checkups.

"What are you smiling about?" Mom asked. She'd just pulled into a parking space at the dentist's.

"Nothing… just thinking."

"Mhm."

I unbuckled my seatbelt and looked at her, hearing a note of amusement in her voice. "What?"

"How long have you _really_ been seeing Edward?"

My stomach flip flopped. "Awhile, I guess. I don't know."

She nodded, looking all smug and knowing.

Rolling my eyes, I got out of the car and started walking toward the office. Admittedly, for all of her rules my mom was actually very cool. We'd always been able to communicate… but that didn't mean I wanted to get into it with her when it came to Edward. It was bad enough we'd be under her scrutiny – and my father's – the next night at dinner.

"This happened sooner than I was expecting," she said, coming through the door after me.

"What did?" I asked, lowering my voice. There were only a couple of people in the waiting room, but I really didn't need them to be all up in my business.

"My daughter turning into a secretive adolescent."

I made a face. That sounded like something they taught at teacher workshops.

She signed us in with the receptionist and we found a place to sit.

"And it's obvious you don't want him coming over tomorrow," she continued, thankfully keeping her voice down as well. "What's the big deal? Am I that embarrassing?"

"No," I said, laughing a little. "I'm more worried about Dad than you. I can totally see him either interrogating Edward like they're down at the station or giving him the silent, deadly treatment. "

"Ah. Well… I'll talk to him. You know it's just an act anyway."

"Yeah…a highly effective one. But, Mom, Edward's important."

"I can see that."

I nodded, reaching for a magazine.

"It'll be fine," she said, settling back with a magazine of her own. "If he's a good kid there shouldn't be any issues."

Great. That was reassuring.

Edward picked me up from school the next day. Once we got to my house, I gave him a heads up on what to expect at dinner later on. I mean, I didn't want to freak him out, but I didn't want him to be unprepared either.

"So if he starts acting all like, Chief Swan… just keep your cool," I rambled.

"It's not that big a deal, Bella," he chuckled, fiddling with the cord connecting his iPod to the stereo. "They're probably like my parents. Anyway, I've met them already."

"Yeah, and you said my dad was scary," I reminded him, smiling. It felt good to know Edward was so ease with this. He so easily could've balked.

"Stop trippin. I'll be back at seven, okay?"

"Okay," I said, pausing before I got out of his car to look back at him.

He was still watching me, his cocky little half grin ever present. "What?"

I shrugged, and leaned back into the car to kiss him real quick. "Bye."

"Bye, Bella."

Edward saw me in school clothes all the time so I wasn't going to dress up just because he was coming over. I did take a shower and do my hair, though.

True to his word, he came right around seven. I brought him inside to where my parents were hanging out in the kitchen, my heart racing for no good reason.

My dad was polite, even friendly. He asked Edward about school, Edward asked him about sports, and that was it. They actually began having a conversation. Coupled with my mom's spaghetti and meatballs, dinner went pretty smoothly. Because I was sitting beside Edward, it was hard to look at him without staring awkwardly. Maybe that's how my mother had planned it.

After dessert, I walked Edward to the door. My parents were pretty preoccupied in the kitchen cleaning up, so we slipped on to the porch.

"That went well," I said, tugging at Edward's sleeve.

He leaned against the gate surrounding the porch. "They're pretty cool. Your dad was okay."

"Mom said she would make him behave."

"Your mom's a good cook," he said. "So's mine. She's doing most of the cooking for the barbeque Saturday. You gonna come?"

"For sure."

Edward nodded, standing up straight. "Well, I better head home. My mom's been all strict with me lately. I'm not supposed to be out on school nights, really. She made an exception for this"

"I can't go out on school nights either. You used to go out during the week?"

"Just to Jake's. But she's cracking down now…whatever."

Shrugging, I opened the gate for him. "Oh. Okay, well… thanks for coming."

He took a step down and turned, smiling up at me as he reached into his pocket. "Almost forgot."

My earring. I shook my head as he placed it in my palm, imagining what his mother had thought when she'd found it.

"Thanks," I said softly, liking the way the streetlight made it twinkle like a tiny star.

The weather had mellowed out again and the nights were pretty balmy lately. A gentle breeze blew by, ruffling our hair.

Edward tugged me down by my shirt and kissed me, barely touching his tongue to my lip before pulling away. "Bye."

I felt like my whole body was smiling.

* * *

The day of the barbeque I was nervous all over again. On one hand, his mother _wanted_ to meet me, and Edward seemed down with it, too. On the other hand, though, I didn't know what to make of her. From what Edward had told me they were pretty close but there was tension between them lately. I wondered if it was garden variety teenage stuff or if something deeper was going on.

And then there was his dad. I knew nothing about him, just that he was a surgeon who worked between Jensen Beach and West Palm.

Wanting to be comfortable with both how I looked and how I felt, I opted for cutoffs and my favorite camisole. It was a hot day and I didn't want to be hot and sweaty. Besides, it made me look pretty but not like I was trying too hard. That was like, my clothing mantra.

Edward picked me up around two thirty and we made the brief drive back to his house, stopping only to get a couple of bags of ice from the gas station.

"Are there a lot of people there?" I asked, messing with the strings on my shorts.

"There will be. There aren't too many right now," he said.

"Do you know if Emmett is bringing Rose?"

He looked over at me, raising his eyebrows. "What do you think?"

The girls knew I was going to the barbeque, but Rose hadn't mentioned anything, and I hadn't pressed the issue. She and Em seemed to be kind of on again, off again lately. According to Rose, "she had no time for games", so maybe Emmett was a little _too _easygoing. But then the next day he'd pick her up from school. It was hard to tell with them.

"Hm. Drama," I said, glad it wasn't me for once.

"I don't even know," Edward laughed, pulling past a couple of other cars and into his driveway.

I could hear soft music coming from the back of the house as we walked inside. As we walked past the kitchen, a woman caught my eye. She looked up right then, and it was obvious she was Edward's mother.

"Hey, Mom. This is Bella," Edward said, veering us in her direction. "Bella, this is my mom, Esme."

"Hi, Mrs. Cullen," I said, reaching out to shake her hand.

"Hi, Bella. I'm glad you could come by today." She smiled warmly, giving my hand a gentle squeeze before letting go. "Can I get you anything to drink?"

"Erm…sure…"

"Coke? Sprite? Juice?"

"Sprite, please. Thank you."

"No problem. Edward?"

"Yeah, I'll take a Sprite. Thanks."

"There's plenty of food out back," Esme said, ushering us out of the kitchen. "Go ahead and get some before the crowds descend." She patted my back. "You can call me Esme, by the way, dear. Everyone does."

She was so nice and genuine. I couldn't help but feel majorly relived. "Oh, okay."

I followed Edward outside, still a little nervous that I was actually in his house again, meeting his parents this time. The backyard was absolutely huge, surrounded by a tall wooden fence. There were palm trees in every corner, as well as a few scattered around, and they provided a good deal of shade. That was a definite plus living in a place like Florida, where the sun could be brutal and unrelenting. I even noticed a hammock swinging between two of the trees, and promised myself I'd find time to hang out in it later.

There were a good number of people standing around, chatting and laughing with plates balanced in their hands. Several picnic tables were set up, but most of them were empty at this point.

Edward's father was standing by the grill, talking to a man tending to the burgers and hotdogs. I knew it was him – I'd seen pictures in the hallway the last time I was there. He looked pretty non-scary, in his jeans, t-shirt and flip flops. Actually, he looked like someone out of an Old Navy commercial. The thought made me laugh a little.

"C'mon, I'll introduce you to my dad and we'll be in the clear," Edward said.

We walked over to the grill. His father grinned at me, sticking out his hand.

"Is this Bella?" he boomed, his super blue eyes kind of sparkling. Not gonna lie, he was handsome for an old guy. "Bella of the diamond earring?"

Oh no. I knew my face turned red because I felt it heat right up, volcano style. I shook his hand lamely, mortified.

"Dad," Edward moaned, running both his hands through his hair. "So inappropriate."

"What? Lighten up, kid," his dad said. He looked back at me, still smiling. "Didn't mean to embarrass you, Bella. I'm Carlisle, Edward's dad obviously. This is my brother Alec."

The guy flipping burgers winked at me, shaking his head as he returned to his task.

"Nice to meet you guys," I said, taking a sip of Sprite.

"Hot dog or hamburger?" Alec asked, picking up a plate.

"Hamburger, please," I said.

"Edward can show you were the fixings are, okay?" Carlisle said. "Nice to meet you, Bella. Glad you could come keep this one company." He ruffled Edward's hair and gave him a little push.

"What, I don't get to eat?" Edward protested.

"What'ya want?" Alec asked.

"Hamburger. Cheese, please."

Alec handed him a cheeseburger and we wandered over to the table with the chips and condiments.

"I didn't know you had family down here," I remarked, squirting ketchup on to my patty.

"I don't. Uncle Alec's visiting from upstate New York," Edward said. "Want chips? There's other food, too… my mom made enough to feed the whole frigging city…"

"I'll start with this," I said, adding a few potato chips to my plate. "Is all of your family in upstate New York?"

"Just my Dad's side. My Mom's from Chicago originally."

"How'd they end up here?"

"They hate the cold," he said, smirking. "Lifestyle, all that. You know. They still have a townhouse in downtown Chicago we go to sometimes, though."

"That's cool." We walked over to a table and sat down. "Do you think you'll go to college out there?"

"I don't know; maybe," he said, taking a huge bite of his burger. A glob of mustard ran down his chin.

I tossed a napkin at him.

"What? Maybe I like being dirty," he said, waggling his eyebrows.

"I'm sure you do," I said, taking a smaller bite. I made sure to wipe my mouth. Maybe Edward looked cute with food stuck to his face, but it wasn't for me.

"Do you have family here?" he asked after a moment.

"Further north, near the Panhandle. My dad's side is from Washington State though."

"How'd they end up here?"

"They both went to college in Tallahassee. My parents met their sophomore year and that was that."

"Huh."

We chatted for awhile as we finished eating. By the time we got up to go back inside there were a lot more people. Jake even showed up with a new girl; apparently Lizzie was yesterday's news. I felt a bit bad for her, even though we'd never been close. She'd seemed pretty sweet, and I could only hope that Jake hadn't been a dick to her.

"'Sup, man," Edward said, giving Jake a half-hug. The new girl stood silently behind him, very obviously appraising Edward. She had light blonde hair and side bangs she kept flicking out of her face.

I squashed the urge to roll my eyes and accepted a hug from Jake. "Hey, you."

"Hey, Bella. This is Bree. Bree, Bella," he said, introducing us.

"Hi," I said, smiling and waving at her.

"Hi," she said back, smiling. Her eyes kept darting to Edward though. I glanced slyly at him, but he was fiddling with the zipper on his pants.

Honestly? Not the time, dude.

"You brought your swimsuit, right?" he asked me after a second.

I nodded, holding up my purse.

He nodded at Jake. "Wanna go swimming?"

"Maybe in awhile. We're gonna eat," Jake said, reaching back for Bree's hand.

"Cool. Help yourselves," Edward said. "C'mon, we can go change in the pool room."

"There's a pool room?"

"Just like, an outdoor bathroom. My mom hated when we tracked water inside so they added this a couple of years ago."

Edward's family wasn't, like, conspicuously rich, but they definitely had money. It was in the details, like the type of furniture they had in their house, the fact they they employed a housekeeper, and yes, the "pool room". They seemed very down to earth though, and easy to be around. I liked that.

We took turns changing – despite Edward's suggestion we just do it together "to save time" – and got into the pool. The water was a little cool, but once I started moving around it felt really nice. The pool was situated on a raised wooden deck in the corner of the backyard. While we could see what was going on at the barbeque, there was still an element of privacy due to several trees and flowery plants set along the side of the deck.

Edward and I swam around for awhile. I'd provoke him, he'd come after me and dunk me, I'd try to get away, he'd grab my ass or give me wedgies.

I finally managed to pants him in a moment of weakness on his part.

He turned around slowly, grinning.

"Pull them up," I hissed, looking around to make sure no one was lurking in the bushes.

"You pulled em' down."

"Yeah. Now pull them up," I said, trying not to look at his dick, floating under the water.

"If you wanted me to get naked you should've just said so," he said, coming toward me.

"I swear to God, if your parents see us like this I will _die_," I said, splashing at him.

He cornered me, grabbing me when I tried half heartedly to escape.

"I can feel it on my thigh," I said, biting back a laugh.

"I can help you feel it somewhere else," he said, smiling innocently.

"You're gross."

"You like it."

I kissed him briefly on the mouth. "Please pull up your pants."

"Fine," he huffed, yanking up his swim trunks. "Better?"

"Much."

He smirked, putting his hands on either side of the wall behind me. I licked my lips and let him come closer, wanting him to kiss me. I didn't care if his parents were a few feet away.

Finally he closed the gap. I closed my eyes when his lips hit mine, tilting my face so we fit better. His tongue swept through my mouth, and I did the same. My stomach tensed and I pulsed deep inside, fluttering with curiosity and desires both innocent and not.

I ran my hands up and down his back, and he pressed closer, pushing our stomachs and chests together so there was no space at all.

"What is it with the two of you and swimming pools?" Jake asked, his voice stark against the softer din of the barbeque.

We broke apart slowly and looked over, shading our eyes from the sun.

"Bet you're glad you pulled your pants up now," I murmured.

"I got no shame," he crowed, caressing my thigh before giving it a light underwater smack.

"Apparently," I whispered, pushing him away.

Meanwhile, Jake and Bree eased into the water in the shallow end.

Whoa. Bree had an amazing body, and she definitely wasn't afraid to show it off. Good grief. I turned away before my face gave me away, not wanting to seem petty even though I was on red alert on the inside. Sorry, but I was.

I lowered down until I the water was right below my chin, suddenly feeling a little self conscious. Jake and Bree floated over to us, splashing intermittently at each other. I wondered how they'd met.

I also wondered if Edward noticed her boobs. They were pretty amazing.

"So what's up for tonight?" Edward asked.

"I don't know. Tyler said there's a party in Stuart, down by the beach," Jake said. "Some kid from school."

"Oh yeah? You going?"

Jake shrugged, glancing at Bree. "Maybe."

Bree's boobs were floating atop the water. They were mesmerizing. I sneaked a peek at Edward. He was so looking at them. A little flare of jealousy shot through me, settling in my gut.

I sank beneath the water and swam to the other side of the pool, wanting to see if I could do it without taking a breath. After taking a quick breather, I did it again, back to where the others were standing.

Edward was watching me when I reemerged. "You want to go to the party?"

"Okay," I said, squeezing water from my hair. Now his eyes were on _my_ boobs.

I smirked.

He eyes shot back up to my face. "What?"

Such a guy. Could I blame him for checking out Bree's ginorma-tits and then mine? Yes, Yes I could. "You."

"Me what?"

Jake must have caught a vibe because he pulled Bree away, tickling her as he did. Her throaty giggles echoed back, making me feel irrationally irritable.

"Nothing," I said to Edward, not wanting to get into it.

"So annoying when girls say that," he said, floating on his back.

I splashed water on his face and he smiled, spitting water out and backstroking away.

Now I was really wishing Jake and his bimbo hadn't come along and ruined the vibe. They were sucking face right then in another corner of the pool. I could actually see Jake's thumb, like, lingering on the side of her breast.

Rolling my eyes, I swam over to Edward.

"I'm gonna get a soda. You want anything?"

He frowned, straightening up so that he was standing. "You're getting out?"

"For a second."

"No, I don't want anything."

"Okay." I climbed out and grabbed a towel before heading to the pool house, figuring I'd pee first since I was out of the pool anyway.

I was washing my hands when there was a small tap-tap-tap at the door.

I re-wrapped my towel and opened the door.

Edward pushed his way inside, dripping wet. "Why're you acting weird?"

"I'm not," I protested, not liking where the conversation was going. He was so squeamish about titles and commitment; I didn't him to feel boxed in because I was jealous. Not yet, anyway.

"You are," he insisted, wiping water off his face.

"Fine. She weirds me out," I whispered, jerking my thumb toward the door.

"Who, Jake's friend?"

"Yeah, his _friend_," I said, using air quotes.

"She's whatever. Who cares?"

"She… yeah…" I trailed off. "I think she likes you."

He made a face. "I know she does. I told Jake to just let her go, she's shady. But he keeps bringing her around."

Well, that made it even more awkward. "Wait… how long has he been seeing her?"

"I don't know. A week or two. Anyway, why are we talking about her?"

"I don't know," I sighed, reaching for the door. "They're gonna wonder what we're doing in here."

He let me go and I walked out. Jake and Bree were still making out, so I slipped past them and returned to the barbeque. Emmett accosted me as I rooted through a cooler.

"Bella! I was wondering where you crazy kids were!"

"Hey, Em. We're in the pool –"

"Yeah, I can see that now. Hey, did you bring Rose?"

"No…" I gave him a questioning look. "Shouldn't you be the one bringing Rose?"

"Shit." He scrubbed a hand over his face. "I'll call her." He walked off, already dialing his phone.

Guess he and Rose were about to be "on" again.

I got a soda out and made my way back to the pool, feeling a little silly wrapped in a towel when all of the Cullen's friends and associates were fully dressed.

Edward was back in the pool when I got back.

"Emmett's here," I said, tossing my towel aside so I could get into the water.

"He's been in and out all day," Edward said, sitting next to me on the pool steps. He grabbed my soda and took a long gulp.

"Thought you didn't want anything," I said.

"Changed my mind. People do it all the time."

I ignored him, taking my soda back.

"Hey," he said, his voice super low as he inched closer.

I glanced down at him.

"I don't like her, okay?"

My heart squeezed. He could always see right through me, no matter how good I thought I was getting at hiding my thoughts and feelings.

I nodded, unable to look away from his pretty green eyes.

"I prefer brunettes."

I smiled and rolled my eyes at his obvious charm.

"And real boobs."

"Edward!" I whispered, hoping to God neither Bree nor Jake had heard that.

"Just sayin."

"Why're you telling me this?" I asked cautiously, moving down a step so more of me was under water.

"Because… I don't want to be with anyone else right now."

I closed my eyes, absorbing what he was saying to me. "You said you liked to go with the flow..."

"I am going with the flow."

I felt his hands in my hair, fingers weaving through it as it floated.

"Well… I don't want to be with anyone else either," I said quietly.

"Okay then."

"This sounds kind of like defining things," I said, finally opening my eyes to look at him.

He came down a step so he was on the same one as me. "Bella."

"What?"

"Stop." He leaned closer and kissed me, his fingers tickling at my thighs.

* * *

I don't know why we even bothered going to the party later. It was fun, I guessed, a really chill atmosphere, but I was so into what Edward had said to me in the pool that it didn't even matter.

We stayed on the porch for most of the night, talking and fooling around. There was this ongoing crackle between us, and we both knew it. It was so intense that it was almost hard to make eye contact with him.

We ended up leaving early, way before any of our friends did. Edward drove around aimlessly and I messed with the iPod, setting the soundtrack for the night. And when we ended up at the beach, parked beneath a tree in the parking lot, I didn't even care.

He kissed me until we were all anxious, and then he made me get on to his lap so we could make out like that, no gear shifts or consoles between us. It was an awkward position until he moved his chair back, giving us a little more room to move. I rocked against him, liking the way the seam of my cutoffs rubbed me in just the right way. He slid his hands up under my shirt and flattened them on my back, smiling into our kiss when he felt that I wasn't wearing a bra.

I could feel how hard he was beneath me, and I ground down on him until he was holding my hips and thrusting back up against me.

Certain things you never forget.

The sound of the ocean through cracks in the window, flashes of starlight when you open your eyes.

How good he smells, his hair tickling your cheek, his voice when he comes.

Losing your breath when you finally come too. The tickle of getting there and the overwhelming swell when it hits you.

Wondering if it's real, knowing it is, and hoping it lasts.

* * *

I'd worried that heartache would come in the form of Edward-being-an-asshole. And in a way, it did…although nothing like I expected.

It was May, and the end of school was so close we could touch it. Everyone was hanging at Jake's on a Saturday night and Edward was late to pick me up.

He wouldn't answer his phone. Even his house phone rang without answer. I called Jake, but he said he hadn't heard from Edward since the afternoon. There wasn't really anything else I could do except wait. I could have called the girls, but I wasn't concerned with simply going out.

I was concerned with Edward.

There was absolutely no reason to panic. Things had been going great over the past couple of months, but right then, right that second, something felt off and that was hard to rationalize.

"You still going out, honey?" my mom asked after a while, poking her head into my room.

"I think so…"

She frowned, glancing at her watch. "Well, curfew still stands, I don't care what time you actually leave. Okay?"

I nodded, picking up my phone to try Edward again.

My phone rang instead. An unknown number appeared.

"Hello?"

"Bella… it's Emmett."

My heart sank. "Hey. Is everything okay?"

"Not really. Edward asked me to call you cuz… man, the shit's really hit the fan."

"What? Why?" I asked, alarmed.

Emmett sighed loudly. "Edward's gonna have to give you details but… basically he's royally screwed things up with my parents. They found _a pound_ in his room… you know… and … yeah. He's already been on probation with them and now this."

"Why? Why would he do that?" I cried.

"He's an idiot. Said it's Tyler's, which it probably is, but still."

"So what happens now?" I asked, trying to think over the rushing in my ears.

"I think they might send him up north, for real this time."

My mind was spinning. "As in, like, northern Florida?"

"Naw, Bella. As in New York. Military school."

I closed my eyes, trying to calm the absolute chaos inside. I felt like I was imploding. "Are you sure?"

"Pretty sure. Listen, I gotta go but just… I don't know. He'll probably be able to call you later but right now he's in the hot seat."

"Okay," I said numbly, nodding.

"Okay. Bye, Bella. Try not to freak out."

Easier said than done. I was so in shock I couldn't even cry.

…yet.

* * *

_sigh. _

_so, this story will be in 3 parts. this is the end of part one, more or less. and yes, it chronicles bella's whole highschool experience._

**songs:**

**All Around Me - Flyleaf**

**All I Wanted - Paramore**

**High and Dry - Radiohead**


	12. Reinventing Your Exit

All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

thanks, Nic, for being the bets lil beta in town. love you more than lime popsicles. which i really love lately.

* * *

When I got off the phone with Em, I sat completely still for a couple of minutes, trying to process what he'd said. It had come out of nowhere. After changing into sweats and a t-shirt, it became obvious that Edward wouldn't be calling that night. Eventually I fell asleep.

It wasn't fitful sleeping, laced with feverish dreams and all that dramatic bull you see in the movies. It was dreamless and deep and sound.

But when I woke up?

My stomach went right back to being in knots. All I could think about were Em's words the night before, how sure he'd sounded. That's the worst: when something awful happens and it's the first thing on your mind upon waking.

I was still sort of in shock, maybe even denial. There was no way Edward was going to get sent away. Parents did this sort of thing all the time. Of course, he'd probably be grounded for the rest of his life but he'd still be there. We'd find ways.

Still, a tiny piece of me knew that Edward might have pushed things a little too far this time. There was often slight tension in his house when I visited. It was never all out war or anything – the family seemed to get along for the most part – but more of a simmer. Like things could erupt. I didn't understand it, really. Maybe it was because he was a boy and boys were apparently all jacked up on testosterone at that age.

My parents got salty with me sometimes, but my house was chill in comparison to his.

Rose called around noon and we talked for awhile. Emmett had given her the scoop earlier that morning, so she knew what was up. Not surprisingly she was pissed at Edward for being so stupid.

"… I mean, how many warnings did he need, you know? I know you're all in love with him or whatever but Edward's dumb as hell. How hard would it be to like, hide your stash? God! And things were perfect between you two, I could just kill him…

Another called beeped through. My heart leapt into my throat; it was Edward. Finally.

"Rose," I said, cutting her off in mid-rant. "Listen…that's him on the other line. Lemme call you back, 'kay?"

"Yeah, yeah, go ahead. Fingers crossed."

I clicked over, feeling nervous and clammy.

"Hey… I was wondering when you'd call."

"It's been… shitty over here," he said, sounding resigned.

"Yeah, Emmett told me. Are you okay?"

"Not really."

I stayed quiet, trying to calm the awful anxiety in my stomach.

"I don't know, I guess I screwed it up this time," he said.

"Are you gonna have to go?"

"Yeah."

I drew in a sharp breath, not having expected the worst case scenario to actually happen.

"When?"

"I fly out next Saturday."

"What about school?" I gasped. My heart began racing again.

"My Dad's arranging for me to take a couple of tests, do extra work this week or whatever. There are ways," Edward said, laughing dryly.

"When can I see you?" I asked, not caring how desperate I sounded.

"Whenever, I guess. I can't really leave…" He sounded so unaffected. I wondered how much of it was an attempt on his part to distance himself from everything, maybe even me. He reminded me of the way he'd been when we'd first start messing around, all guarded with his words. As time had gone on, though, he'd become a lot mellower with me, so open, which was why the way he sounded right then bugged me.

"I can come there," I said, fighting the waver in my voice.

"Today?" He sounded enthused. _Good sign_.

"If… it's okay."

"For sure. Just call first so I can tell my mom."

"All right. I'll talk to you soon."

We got off the phone. For the first time since this shit storm had started, I let myself really feel. The lump that had been building in my throat dissolved into tears and I lay back on the bed. Crying soundlessly, I let the waves of panic and frustration wash relentlessly over me.

Why did the one person I'd chosen to be with have to leave? Especially when we were starting to hit a good groove? It all seemed epically unfair, like some sort of cosmic _screw you_.

Saturday. _Saturday?_ It was so sudden, too soon, too abrupt.

I thought we'd have the summer.

Now, it looked like we had nothing.

* * *

My mother was grading papers when I made it to the kitchen.

She took one look at my puffy face and slid her glasses off, frowning. "Bella, what?"

"Can you bring me somewhere?"

"Where? What happened?" She sounded freaked out, which seemed pretty appropriate at the moment.

"I… Edward's moving…he got in trouble and now he's moving and I really need to go see him. Please, Mom. Please," I cried.

She nodded, her face gentle with sympathy. "Do you want to talk about it?"

"Not right now," I whispered, wiping my face.

"Okay. Just… give me a few minutes," she sighed, standing up. "Go get dressed."

I did as I was told, moving on auto pilot. Edward's words, telling me he was leaving in a week, and the tone of his voice, kept echoing dreadfully through my brain

We walked out to the car. It was terribly humid already, an auspicious start to what was looking to be a hellishly hot summer. Mom turned the air conditioner in her car all the way as I opened the windows to flush out the hot air.

I'd called Edward right before leaving, letting him know to expect us. Truthfully, I was a bit nervous to be encountering his mother in these circumstances and glad my own mom would be there as a buffer. It wasn't like_ I'd_ done anything wrong, but still.

For once, the Cullen's driveway was packed. Everyone was home, apparently.

We parked and walked to the front door. Mrs. Cullen – I couldn't even call her Esme right now – appeared at the door within seconds of our ringing the doorbell.

"Hi, Bella," she said, stepping aside to let us in. "You must be Bella's mother; I'm Esme Cullen. Nice to meet you."

"Thanks, you too. I'm Renee," Mom said quickly, closing the door. "So, I hope you don't mind Bella coming by… "

"Oh no, it's fine," Mrs. Cullen said quietly. "He's upstairs in his room, Bella. Your mother and I will be in the kitchen, okay?"

"Um… thanks," I said, nodding. It occurred to me that she might decide to give my mom details of Edward's issues, which would suck for me. The last thing I needed was an interrogation on the way home about whether or not I smoked weed.

Feeling like my feet were made of lead, I turned and trudged up the stairs.

Whatever Edward was listening to was turned up to such a jarring level that I could hear it as I walked down the hall to his room. I knocked loudly and then just let myself in, not quite knowing what to expect.

His room was a complete disaster. Mountains of clothes littered the bed, spilling generously on to the carpet. Books and magazines were scattered haphazardly across the floor.

I shut the door behind me and leaned against it, watching Edward mess with something on his desk.

He looked up suddenly. Our eyes met and my heart squeezed.

Grabbing a remote, he lowered the music.

"Hey," he said, coming closer.

I grabbed him in a hug and held tight, knowing our days of being like this were so numbered.

"You here to yell at me?" he asked, pulling away so he could gaze down at me.

I shook my head. "I'm guessing you know you screwed up…"

He nodded.

"So you're really leaving?" I asked pointlessly, glancing around his room again.

"Yup." He let go of me and scrubbed his hands over his face. "One frigging week and I'm out. Off to New York."

"And… you're going to military school?"

He shrugged and nodded, sitting on his bed.

I sat beside him, kicking my shoes off so I could cross my legs. "I can't imagine you in military school."

"Ha, me neither," he said, making a face. "It's gonna suck."

"When does it start?"

"August, but I have to spend the summer working with my uncle."

I bit my lip, trying to absorb all of this. I couldn't even imagine how Edward felt. After a minute I looked up to find him watching me. Almost like he knew what I was going to ask.

"When will you be back?" My voice was really quiet; so many things depended on his answer.

"I don't know yet… I have to stay up there, though. Like, for the rest of high school."

"Two years?" I cried. My world shattered as the enormity of his punishment finally became clear. There was no way…

He frowned and looked at his lap. "Yeah."

I don't know why this surprised me; I supposed I'd been holding out for the possibility that he'd be gone for just a year, but two years seemed impossible.

"They don't even… they don't want me coming around for awhile. Like, it'll get me in trouble again. They're coming to my uncle's for Christmas…maybe Thanksgiving, I don't know."

"Basically they're just cutting you off from Jensen Beach."

"Yeah."

Swallowing hard, I forced out the words swimming through my brain. "So that's it, then."

"I guess so…"

I wasn't an idiot. I knew we didn't stand a chance if he was so far away. The thought of being without him hurt like nothing I'd ever felt, and yet I didn't see any way around it. This was happening.

"Wow," I whispered, feeling the salty thickness of tears close my throat anyway.

"Bella…" he said quietly. "Don't look at me like that."

"Like what?" I whispered.

"Like I'm breaking up with you."

I shook my head. Regardless of the reasons, the consequences were still the same.

"Doesn't matter," I said, looking down again to hide my tears. "You're leaving, and I'm staying. Do you even want to stay in touch?"

"Yeah, when I can," he said. "Like, email or whatever. I just… I don't know. I don't think…"

"It wouldn't work," I said. "Even if we text or email."

_You'll forget about me_.

"What do you want me to do?" he asked, pulling me down so we were lying side by side. "I don't even know what it's gonna be like when I get up there. It's all strict and formal… we probably have curfews and shit. I don't know."

"I understand," I said, and I did. Because in my heart, I knew that even if we said we'd write and talk on the phone, the chances of that happening were slim to none. Besides Facebook, I wasn't that great at keeping in contact with out of town friends. How much worse would Edward be?

"I'm sorry," he said, kissing my face.

"So am I."

"I will email you, though."

For some reason that made me feel even worse. It just wasn't enough.

"This sucks," I said, and my voice shook. "So much for… your birthday."

"Don't remind me," he said, forcing a laugh.

"Sorry."

I kissed him this time, square on the mouth. He tasted like toothpaste.

I wanted to forget what was happening, just for awhile; to see if I could just lose myself that way I often did when it came to Edward.

Not caring that our mothers were downstairs and could come in at any second, I scooted closer to him and kissed him again, harder, deeper. I felt his breathing pick up, and he responded, sliding his hand up under my shirt, his palm flat against my back.

I knew then that I loved him, but that I wouldn't tell him.

Not that second, and maybe not ever.

* * *

Edward's mom said I could come over again in the week. I was surprised she allowed it; as far as I knew none of Edward's friends were allowed to come by except for Jake. I guessed Mrs. Cullen had figured out who the "bad influences" were.

In the car on the way home, I asked Mom what she and Mrs. Cullen had talked about. Hopefully Edward's mom hadn't blown up _everyone_'s spot.

"Casual stuff. Work, the school system…"

"I can't believe she'd send her kid off like this," I interrupted, needing to vent.

"Well… we don't know all the details. This has been going on for awhile, hasn't it?"

"I thought you said you guys discussed casual stuff."

"We did – for awhile. But we couldn't avoid the elephant in the room forever," Mom said. "She probably just needed someone to talk to… I can't even imagine what she's going through right now."

"Me neither," I admitted.

"It might not seem like it, but this might end up being one of the best things that could happen to Edward."

I turned to look at her, gaping incredulously.

"Everything seems so huge now, but in the grand scheme of things..."

"Mom," I groaned. She sounded very parental and sensible. In other words, full of it. "I realize that you, like, _have_ to say stuff like that, but Edward's life isruined –"

"And whose fault is that?"

"Well, his obviously, but…"

"But?"

"Mom," I huffed.

"The way I see it, either his parents put their foot down now or he keeps on acting the fool and gets sent to jail one day."

That set me off again and I twisted away, turning my face toward the window.

"He's going to forget about me," I said, lifting my shirt to I could wipe my face against the hem. "You're probably relieved, right?"

"No," she said gently, squeezing my thigh. "Not at all."

"You don't mind me going to see him before he leaves?"

"Not as long as you let me know."

I nodded silently, staring at the cars passing by without really seeing them.

* * *

School sucked.

It was so weird hanging out in the parking lot after classes. I'd gotten used to seeing Edward there most days. He'd gone from eye candy to my daily ride home, and his presence was definitely missed.

Everyone was gearing up for finals. I threw myself into my studies, and often invited Rose or Alice over so I didn't have to be alone. My mind wandered way too much, and it was easier to pretend like everything was fine when I had friends to distract me.

During class I daydreamed of him, mostly in parts: his mouth and how it felt on me, his hair in my fingers, his eyes. I thought about my visceral reactions to him, and how he gradually found himself drawn to me as well.

It got so I could hardly concentrate. Even when I managed to get my mind off of things, it wasn't long before I remembered and felt like crap all over again. I found myself compartmentalizing my thoughts and feelings, trying really hard to shove them all into a box and hide them in the cobwebbiest parts of my heart.

Alice and Rose were definitely suspicious of my calm attitude toward Edward's leaving. They didn't believe me, not for a second, but they kindly let me be. We studied, and talked and laughed like normal. I'd open up eventually but for the time being talking about it just hurt and made it too real.

Above all, I hated knowing that I needed to start detaching myself from him.

He was doing it, anyway. I could tell by his texts and phone calls that he was distracted most of the time. It hurt a little, but I almost couldn't even blame him. I wasn't the one whose life was falling apart.

It felt like it, though.

I called him before bed one night, tired of studying and reading the same paragraphs over and over. We talked for awhile, chatting about whatever. "It's weird knowing you'll never sneak in my window again."

"Never say never…"

"Yeah, okay," I said sarcastically.

"Maybe I'll come tonight."

"Your mom would kill you. "

"I can't get in any more trouble than I'm already in. Might as well."

Fear and anticipation gripped my heart. "Don't. You'll get caught."

He laughed quietly. I could hear a TV on in the background. "Yeah, well. I don't even care anymore, Bella. My life's pretty much over."

"It's not over." I bit my lip, hating the defeat in his voice. "It's just on pause… for awhile."

"Still sucks."

"I know."

"And… my Mom took my car keys anyway. Shit."

"You were actually considering it?" I sighed, closing my eyes and falling back into my pillows.

He stayed quiet so long I would have thought we'd disconnected, except I could still hear the TV at his house.

"Listen… I'm gonna go. I have to get ready for bed, but I'll see you tomorrow?" I said, feeling the day catch up to me.

"Yeah. I'll be here, soon as school lets out."

"Okay."

It occurred to me, in the shower, that I was actually a little relieved his mother had hidden his car keys. While I knew Edward didn't give a crap, I also knew that he was good at convincing me not to give a crap, either.

Desperation did funny things to people. It had been about a week since Edward and I had been physical, not counting a couple of kisses. I wanted him more now than I ever had, and I knew that if we were _alone_-alone I'd probably go further than I would've normally.

And sex was not a good way to detach myself from Edward.

The next day Mrs. Pena gave me a ride to Edward's. Alice had dance class, like always, but it wasn't for another half hour so they didn't mind the detour. I reassured them that Edward's mother was home, as was his housekeeper, and that my mom knew of my plans.

I'd texted Edward minutes before, so he answered the door right away.

"Hi," I said, my heart skipping a beat like always.

He grinned briefly and pulled me into a hug. "Would you believe my mom actually, like, cooked for us? Like that helps anything."

I gave him a quick squeeze and stepped back so I could shut the front door.

"She's going to miss you too, you know," I said quietly.

"It's her own damn fault," he shot back, pulling me up the stairs.

Well, it was _his_ dumbass that got him in trouble, but I decided to keep that thought to myself. Besides, I couldn't help but resent his mom as well.

We'd just sat down on his bed when Mrs. Cullen knocked and barged right in.

"Hi, Bella. I thought I heard you come in. Are you hungry at all? I figured you guys might want to eat downstairs…"

"Hi…Esme. Um, I'm okay for right now, thanks. Maybe later?"

"Sure." She smiled warmly before glancing at Edward. "Do you –"

"Mom, can you please just leave us alone?" he sighed, not even looking at her.

Her face fell and she left, leaving the door open just a crack.

"What does she expect?" Edward scowled, kicking his sneakers off and across the room.

"She still loves you," I chided quietly. "I know you're pissed, but –"

"Bella." His face was so pained that I quieted, hurting for him. "I _know_. I know I messed up. But they are sending me away. Do you have any idea how that feels?"

I shook my head, never taking my eyes off his.

"I just… I don't want to deal with her being nice right now."

"Okay," I said, stroking the side of his face.

He smiled slightly. "Okay."

"Are you –"

He leaned into me really quickly, kissing my words away. At first he seemed agitated, aggressive, but soon his movements grew gentle, almost sensual. He eased me on to my back and held himself over me, rubbing our bodies together.

"I'll miss you," he said, between kisses.

"You'll miss this," I teased, pushing my hips up. "Anyway, your mom could totally walk in right now. Maybe we should chill."

He ignored me, going for my neck.

"I know… you can't… get into trouble," I panted, feeling my body respond to him. "But… I can."

He pulled back a little. "Okay."

I smiled, kissing him quickly before pushing him off.

We spent the rest of the time talking in bed, reminiscing about the school year and all the silly stuff that had gone down. Eventually our hunger got the best of us and we ventured downstairs, where Esme had prepared soup, salad and homemade bread.

My heart went out to her. As screwed up as the situation was I had to believe she was doing what she thought was right.

Edward was leaving in two days. Those days were devoted to family. When my mother came to pick me up, I knew that was it.

We hugged for a long time, and shared a really quick kiss, knowing our parents were watching. How awkward. I wished right then I had more pictures of us, of him.

"So… you got my email, right?" I asked, swinging my backpack on to my back.

"Yep. And you have mine…so… I guess I'll see you."

"Okay. I'll miss you."

"Miss you too," he said, and for once his eyes were so sad. He was still so beautiful though, and it broke my heart all over again.

I stayed quiet the whole car ride home, too knotted up inside to speak. Mom didn't make me come to dinner later on, not that I was hungry. Unwilling to be awake and alone with my emo thoughts anymore, I took a long bath and went to bed earlier than usual.

So why was I surprised when, in the middle of the night, a text came through?

_Let me in_

I jolted up right, my heart hammering so hard I could feel my face throbbing.

Crazy frigging fool. I flew across the room and yanked open the window. Not gonna lie though, I was insanely happy to see him, and relieved he'd wanted to see me one last time, too.

Even if it _was_ possibly a suicide mission.

"Did you find your car keys or something?" I hissed as he climbed in.

"Emmett felt bad for me," he said, shrugging. "He drove."

"Where is he?"

"Down the street. I have thirty minutes."

"Thirty minutes to do what?" I asked, smirking.

"To… be with you." He pulled his shirt off over his head.

Trembling slightly, I got back in to bed, took my sweatpants off, and waited.

He crawled on to the bed, kissing his way up my thighs and belly.

We started making out, mouths and hands and bodies. It felt so familiar and so good; I'd never get enough of how Edward made me feel.

His fingers slipped inside me, making me gasp and groan into his shoulder.

"I'll miss you," I whispered.

He brought his mouth back to me and kissed me again, stroking his tongue against mine.

Suddenly his hand was gone. "God, I want you so bad, but there's no time…"

"I don't want to do it like this," I said, even though I kind of did.

"I know," he said.

"I wanted you to be my first," I said, trying not to cry.

"I know," he said again, kissing my eyelids.

He made me come with his hands, and I made him come with mine. Emmett texted him when it was time to go and we kissed again, frantically. Emmett texted again.

Edward got dressed and kissed me, opened the window and kissed me, and then slipped back out the way he came for the last time.

I shook as I closed the window, feeling cold from the inside out.

In bed, I found Edward's baseball cap. It smelled like him, of course.

I'd never cried so hard.

* * *

We talked a couple of times after that. On Saturday he texted me to say he was boarding his plane and I texted back to wish him a safe flight.

Alice and I slept over at Rose's that night. I finally told them everything I'd been feeling and they said they'd suspected as much. I'd never been one to hold in my feelings, but then again, I'd never been in this sort of situation.

We did the ice cream and movies thing, but nothing really helped; all I wanted to do was cry. Finally Rose brought out her pipe and a nugget of kind bud and we smoked it on her balcony. I found it ironic that the same crap Edward had gotten in trouble for was the very thing to soothe my broken heart, for a minute anyway.

School ended shortly after that. I was glad to be done with it, but decidedly gloomy about the prospects of a loveless summer. This was supposed to be the most amazing summer of my life so far, and now it was going to suck.

Edward and I emailed once or twice. We texted more, but things were already beginning to change. His uncle had him working on the house, helping him renovate it. He was busy all the time.

As for me, I would be taking driver's ed classes, and my father wanted me to get a job so that I could finance the car I'd be driving sophomore year. My parents had promised to get me something, but I had to pay to keep it.

"Gas ain't cheap, Bella," he liked to say. "Might as well start saving up now."

After shopping my resume around at a couple of places I managed to land a part time job at Barnes N' Noble. I loved books (and Starbucks, for that matter) so I was pretty psyched. It had been either that or McDonalds.

Mostly I was stocking and pricing books, but if things worked out my manager said I could probably be on cash register in a couple of months. Either way, I liked it. The customers and constant bus work gave me something to do besides pine over Edward.

It was amazing how much things could change in a matter of weeks. Edward was gone, and I was working. Alice left to attend Interlochen's Summer Arts Camp in Michigan. Rose didn't have to work, but she got so bored without Al and I that she ended up part-timing at an office, too.

During the summer, it rains most every day in Florida. Sometimes it's a quick shower, and other times it lasts for hours.

I liked the rain. Incessant sunshine wasn't meshing well with my emotions anyway.

I got used to Edward being gone, but…I never really got over it.

* * *

_thanks so much for the reviews and messages, queridas. love hearing from you guys. _

**songs:**

**Reinventing Your Exit - Underoath**

**Dreaming With a Broken Heart - John Mayer**

**The Suburbs - Arcade Fire** (_omg,thanks annie. ilu!)_


	13. Signs

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my partner in crime, nicnicd, the bonnie to my clyde. i dedicate the most awesomely saccharine mariah tunes to you._

* * *

The sun scorched down, ruthlessly hot. The lilting, reluctant breeze did absolutely nothing to help; drops of sweat beaded across my chest, sliding down between my breasts when I shifted. Tired of feeling the blaze on my face, I rolled on to my side.

"Wanna go back in?" Alice asked. I heard the crisp sound of pages being folded.

"Yeah," I croaked, eyeing my bottle of Gatorade.

It was mid-August, and the summer had just hit sweltering. Fun when you're at the beach, annoying when you're anywhere else.

"Me too. Let's go."

I opened my eyes and got to my feet, swiping the Gatorade on my way up so I could finish it off. The fact that it was still vaguely cool was a miracle.

Adjusting my bikini bottoms, I joined Alice and we walked down to the water's edge, careful to avoid children building sandcastles and mothers collecting shells.

A storm was making its way up the Atlantic, stirring up the sea and creating fat, rolling swells. For the moment, though, the sky was still clear and blue. Emmett, Jake, and a couple of other guys were taking advantage of the waves. They'd been surfing since late morning.

I eased into the tepid water, at once relieved to be out of the sticky-hot. Alice floated beside me, her newly-bobbed hair slicked back from her face. She'd come back from Michigan with it like that. I liked it.

"You're so much darker than me," she complained, smiling lazily as she lay back.

"Yeah, well. Not much to do but work and tan," I said.

"Yeah, _such _a small town." If rolling your eyes had a voice, that was Alice's tone right then.

I splashed at her, earning a smile. "I know we're not, like, in the sticks… I'm just saying. You know how it is around here."

She nodded, shrugging. "It'll be different when we can drive."

"Ugh, can't wait," I said. I'd gotten my permit over the summer, not that it mattered; my Dad wouldn't let me actually drive until I turned sixteen and had a license. "How much you wanna bet Rose's dad's getting her a brand new ride?"

"I don't wanna bet," chuckled Alice, squinting up at our towels. Rose was still there, slathering sunscreen all over her body. "And anyway, isn't Charlie getting you a car? You can't even talk."

"Let's just hope it isn't a hooptie," I said.

"At least you'll have wheels, loca," Alice huffed. "I'll be lucky if I can drive the Caprice Classic."

"I love that car," I laughed. "It has party potential."

"Psh, yeah… maybe if Eleazar hooks up the sound system."

Now _that_ was a ridiculous thought. We were still chortling when Emmett floated up, his arms floating languidly on either side of the board.

"'Sup?"

"Hey, Em," I said, ignoring the pang in my chest. As much as I'd hung out with Em and the boys over the summer, they still reminded me of Edward sometimes. His absence was so obvious.

"You're coming out tonight, right?" he asked, paddling to stay in place.

It was Em's last night; he was leaving to go to college down in Miami. It was close enough that he could visit whenever, but things would still be different. A couple of kids we knew had graduated, but I wasn't as close to them as I was to Emmett. I didn't know how to feel about losing him, too.

Even Rose, who was cool as a cucumber about everything, had been a little shaky lately. At least they'd get to see each other sometimes, though. It wasn't like he was moving away to New York.

"Of course… wouldn't miss it," I said.

Alice nodded toward the sand. "You're picking Rose up, right?"

Emmett glanced at Rose, his expression neutral. "Yup." Without another word he swam to shore and got out. We watched him approach her, and then sit next to her on my towel.

"Great. Now my towel's soaked," I muttered to Alice.

Not like I really cared. I knew how Rose felt.

* * *

It wasn't like I'd moped around for the past few months. I mean, I'd had my rough days, my crying jags. I'd had nights where I'd chosen watching COPS with my dad instead of hanging out with the group, and Sundays I'd convinced Rose to stay in with me and eat ice cream all day. She had even downloaded a breakup playlist onto my iPod, to "get me though the lonely nights." She was teasing, but she'd meant well.

"Seriously. Mariah's perfect to listen to when you feel like crap. Girlfriend _knows_ heartbreak," she'd said.

I'd regarded my iPod skeptically. I wasn't as big a fan as Mariah Carey as Rose was, but then again, she'd always had a slight flare for the dramatic. "How many of her songs did you put on there?"

"Shut up, just three. The Mariah Trifecta."

I'd never tell her, but her stupid trifecta was pretty good at purging me of lovesickness.

Like I'd predicted, the emails between Edward and I grew shorter and more spread apart. It wasn't even like I could blame him or take responsibility myself. It just… happened. He texted me once when he got a new phone number, but after I'd responded to him, that was it.

He hardly updated his Facebook; I knew because I checked it every now and then.

It was weird. I knew that if he were to miraculously just show up at my doorstep – or my bedroom window – I'd take him in, no questions.

But he wasn't coming back. Not anytime soon, anyway.

And maybe it was better that way. Maybe it was better, if I couldn't have him, to not have to see him at all.

* * *

Alice came out of my bathroom in a cloud of steam and perfume.

"Oh, thank God."

"What?" I asked, glancing briefly at her in my mirror's reflection as I applied mascara.

"I thought you were listening to Rose's playlist again."

"No," I huffed, turning down the volume on my iPod dock. "I'm not."

She rang her fingers through her hair, fluffing it. "Good."

"Cut me some slack. You have a man. I have memories and… a baseball cap."

"So are you going to wait for him?"

I swiped lip-gloss on. "He doesn't want me to wait for him."

I braced for Alice's reaction, wondering what she thought about that. We hadn't had too much one on one since she'd gotten back, and while I'd had Rose to talk to, I valued Alice's thoughts. She'd always been a little more on the reserved side when it came to Edward.

"He said that?"

I nodded, holding up my phone. "In so many words. He said it wasn't fair to either of us."

Alice frowned, zipping her jeans. "That's either very mature of him or very bullshitty."

I tossed my phone into my purse. "Well, whatever."

"Do you agree with him?"

Good question. Did I? My heart wasn't sure, but my mind could acknowledge that Edward had just been keeping it real. Still, it was my heart that seemed to be running the show. Regardless of how logical our decision had been, it still hurt. And of course there was a part of me that wondered if Edward just wanted to be free of things altogether, like maintaining a long distance relationship was too hard.

Maybe it was.

"Yeah, actually," I said eventually. "I don't want to sit here pining, wondering if he's with other girls. I mean… I _still_ think about it but it's not like I have to trip over him being unfaithful or whatever. I don't know. It makes it a little easier to just… move on."

"That's true," Alice said, sitting beside me on the bed. "And you're definitely not as bad as you were in the beginning of summer, before I left."

"It helped having someone to vent to," I said, poking her leg. Alice had been the recipient of many an emo letter while she was away, and she'd responded to every one of them.

She grinned, glancing down at her phone as it chirped. "Jasper's almost here."

Emmett's going away party was at the beach, one of the same ones we'd frequented over the summer. Thankfully, it was far enough in the cut that police harassment was minimal.

After mingling around and talking to people, I settled down with Alice and Rose on a blanket. Rose had gone to an early dinner with Emmett hours earlier, and she was still fretting about the talk they'd had.

"I don't trust him. At all," she said, knotting her hair into a bun.

"But why?" I asked.

"C'mon, you know how it's been," she said, shaking her head. "We've been on and off forever. Why would he stay faithful to me when he's surrounded by tons of willing, _legal _pussy?"

"Ew, Rose. Jeez," Alice groaned, making a face.

I snickered, agreeing with Alice's reaction while still amused at Rose's crassness. She'd always been rough around the edges but spending time with Emmett Cullen over the summer had definitely vulgarized her vocabulary.

"So, what – is he coming up for your birthday, then?" I asked.

Rose sighed, a little dramatically. "For what?"

"To de-virginize you," Alice said, very matter of fact.

"Oh, he did that today."

I gaped at her. "What?"

One look at Alice told me she had the exact same expression. "Um… when were you gonna tell us?"

"Tonight," sniffled Rose.

"Do you regret it?" Alice asked.

Rose shook her head slowly.

I glanced up the beach at Emmett, who was sitting quietly with two other guys. He did look a little beat down, now that I thought about it. Yikes.

"I'm being stupid, whatever," Rose said suddenly.

"No, you're not," I said, stroking her hair. It had gotten even lighter over the summer. I didn't think she was being stupid, but I had to wonder why she'd finally give it up to Emmett right when he was leaving. Oh, I could understand the parallels between her situation and mine of a few months before, but that's exactly why I _hadn't_ had sex with Edward. My heart wouldn't have been able to take it.

Then again, Rose and Emmett could still technically see each other, even if the circumstances _were_ less than ideal. It would be interesting to observe them over the course of the year, to see if they drifted apart or managed to maintain their version of a long distance relationship.

"Did it hurt?" I asked, unable to resist.

Rose nodded. "But it actually wasn't as bad as I'd expected. I mean… yeah. It hurt. But… he's good." She smiled a little, biting her lip.

"So you love him," I said.

"I've always loved that fool."

We were silent awhile. I could never be like Rose, nor did I necessarily want to be, but I admired her toughness. She knew her boundaries, and while they were a lot more liberal than mine – physically and emotionally – she seemed to stick to them.

"I knew it was gonna be like this," she said glumly, sifting sand through her fingers. "I knew it."

Alice scooted closer. "No, you – "

"No," Rose said. "No, I did."

"So then… what's the problem, exactly?" I asked gently, taking a long sip of cider. That was our new thing; it was sweeter than beer. Jake had brought a six pack of Woodchuck, knowing we preferred it.

"I don't know," Rose said, sounding glum. "I guess… it just all feels really _real_ now because he's leaving tomorrow. I was putting it off, in a way."

"Which is normal," I said, tapping her knee.

"I guess."

"Are you going to keep in touch?"

Rose looked at me, her blue eyes glinting violet in the low light. "You know how that goes, Bella."

The party never got too wild, thankfully. It mellowed into a chill get-together with a lot of smoking and quiet conversation.

Rose eventually wandered back over to Emmett. I watched them for a minute, noticing how close they'd gotten. I'd never seen Rose so gentle and soft and… in love. It was weird. She was good at keeping her feelings under wraps, but I guessed there was always going to be the one guy that broke through. Emmett.

I was still a little shocked she'd actually done it with him, but only because it was big news for us. She'd always been a lot older than her age, anyway, so it really shouldn't have been that much of a surprise. Plus, she'd been seeing him forever.

I wasn't in the mood to smoke, so I passed, opting instead to stretch out on my blanket and stargaze.

The sky was stark and pristine, curiously free of clouds. I recognized several constellations, their names and stories at the edges of my mind. I wondered if Edward could see the stars well from where he was. I imagined he probably could.

All of a sudden my view was obscured as heavy, grey clouds rolled in, lit silver by the moon. The wind blew steadily harder, reminding everyone that the storm was coming. I sat up to tell the girls, but the first droplets of rain hit before I could.

* * *

I turned sixteen on a muggy, overcast day in September. At least it was a Friday.

My mom got super sentimental and wanted to throw a party for me on Saturday. I kind of wanted one, too. I was tired of feeling dull and lackluster, like I was forever waiting for something.

Mrs. Pena, perpetual saint of celebration, jumped on the band wagon immediately. She made me the most amazing cake; an explosion of pink so pretty it felt like a shame to eat it. It was no secret that I was a bona fide frosting lover and her three tier confection didn't disappoint. A bunch of my girlfriends showed up, and a handful of the guys showed up, too. I wore a dress that made me feel beautiful, and I wore it without shoes because it was my backyard and I could if I wanted to.

By nightfall tons of people had arrived, many of them with presents. My dad grilled burgers in the corner and talked with his friends, while my mother flitted around like the social butterfly she was. I reveled in my friends, dancing once or twice with Jake like an ass, and giggling with Alice, Rose and Jess at nothing and everything.

The whole thing sort of reminded me of the parties my mom had thrown me as a kid, full of crepe paper and balloons and sugar. It was perfect.

And for the first time in years I actually made a for-real wish when I blew out the candles.

_I wish the next two years would fly by. And if they can't well… I wish they'd be really, really awesome._

The next day my dad took me down to Ft. Pierce to find a car. A friend of his sold used cars at one of the lots, and by the end of the day I had a decent red pickup truck. It was stick shift, which meant he had to teach me to drive the damn thing, but it was mine.

When I got home that night, there was a new post on my Facebook wall. It was practically buried amidst the dozens of other "happy birthdays" but I noticed it because of the user's picture beside it.

It was from Edward. _Happy birthday, B. sorry I'm late. ;)_

I thanked him right away, my heart doing funny things as I typed.

That was the last I heard from him.

* * *

For awhile, it seemed as though my birthday wish might come true.

The months flew by as I immersed myself in schoolwork and my job. I was still working at Barnes N' Noble, after school and sometimes on Saturday, which was perfect for me. It was close to both home and Jensen Beach High.

Our social dynamic was definitely different from the year before. Some people had graduated and moved. Others had just shifted into other groups. We were driving now, which meant more freedom, but I was working and Alice was still training hardcore in dance, so we were busier.

Alice and Jasper were going strong and Rose had started dating some new guy, a junior who went to private school. At least, that's what she said. I knew for a fact that while she and Em had "an open relationship", she wasn't going to get too serious with anyone else.

A lot of the guys we hung out with were fun, some of them even adorable, but it was impossible for me to see them as anything other than friends. I finally started saying yes when the occasional cute guy would ask me to the movies or whatever, but no one really appealed to me. I couldn't settle; the only way I was ever going to _be_ with someone is if they made my heart race. Jessica said my expectations were unrealistic but I didn't think so. I knew what it felt like to be consumed and I wanted to feel it again.

In early February, I went with Alice and Rose to the Martin County Fair, over in Stuart.

Alice drove her mom's car this time. Sometimes we preferred it because the three of us could ride up front together. The weather was still a little nippy out, uncharacteristic for that time of year, so we were in jeans and hoodies like everyone else.

Inside, we became part of the crowd, passing by stands selling weird, fried, fair food and cotton candy. Guys hawking games and selling balloon animals weaved in front of us, trying to tempt us into participating. A Ferris wheel glittered in the distance.

Alice texted Jasper, trying to find out where he was. He messaged right back, saying that he and his friends were right by the carousel.

At one point, there was a small break in the crowd and we slipped right through. The carousel was right up ahead, and we made a beeline for it, not wanting to get all caught up in another throng of people.

I was laughing at something snarky Rose had just muttered in my ear when I saw this guy headed in our direction. He was walking with friends too, his hands stuffed in to the front pouch of his dark grey hoodie.

He was the first guy I'd seen in months that made my heart stutter. I couldn't see much of his hair, because it was covered, but it looked light_._ He glanced up just then and caught me looking. In fact, he stared right back, and then my trio passed his. Pretty eyes; grey, maybe or hazel? I waited a beat and turned my head to see if he looked as good going as he did coming, and he peeked back at me, already smiling a little.

He seemed familiar, and realized I'd definitely seen him before, at school. He was a senior, I thought, or maybe a junior.

By then we'd reached Jasper. The adrenaline of noticing someone who was noticing me stated to abate, and I took a deep breath of cool, night air.

"You want to go on this?" teased Jasper, nodding toward the carousel.

"After you," Alice said, linking her arm through his.

On a whim we decided to hop aboard anyway. I regretted it; the circles and lights made me a little sick to my stomach and I begged off, dragging Rose with me to find food.

We goofed off for the next couple of hours, riding rides and snacking on crap.

Eventually we ended up at the Ferris wheel, where the line was so long it was starting to wrap around.

"I need to pee," I told Alice.

"Me too." She tiptoed to whisper something in to Jasper's ear, and then we left to find the bathrooms.

By the time we made it back, Jasper, Rose and the others were substantially closer to the front of the line than before. I blinked, squinting as we got closer. Jasper was talking to the guy in the grey hoodie. I frowned, wondering if they were friends.

I stood awkwardly by as Alice reattached herself to Jasper. Rose was chatting up some other guy, so I couldn't even pretend to talk to her. I was seconds away from texting someone when Jasper pulled me closer.

"Bella, you know Garrett, right? He's captain of swim team this year."

Garrett was pretty tall up close. I still couldn't make out the color of his eyes. He took his hands from his hoodie and extended one toward me. "Hi."

I shook his hand, smiling like a goof. "Hi."

And then he sort of just… got in line next to me.

"So you're a sophomore? Like Alice?" he asked conversationally.

"Yeah… I didn't realize you were on swim team," I blurted out. "I… never went to any of Jasper's meets."

He shrugged. "This is my third year. I love it."

"That's cool," I said, chewing on my lip. "So you're a senior?"

He nodded, smiling down a me for a second.

The line must have been moving along pretty swiftly; before I knew it we were at the front of it. Jasper turned around, looking intently at me.

"You mind if I take this one with Alice?" he asked, gesturing toward the available seat.

I shook my head, waving him off. The next seat came forward and I stepped uncertainly toward it, looking around. Rose was behind me, still talking to the same guy.

"Do you want to go?" Garrett asked, holding his hand out.

I deliberated for a second.

_It's just a stupid ride._

So I took his hand and let him help me on.

The attendant lowered the bar over our laps and we jerked forward, pausing every few moments to allow people to get on and off the ride. Then it started to glide smoothly and we went higher and higher until the entire park was laid out before us like a giant, sparkly wonderland.

It was almost too high, and I felt the familiar little shock of nerves that I always felt on rides like that.

Being so close to someone I didn't know was definitely a bit awkward. I'd been on Ferris wheels where the seats were circular, and four or five people could fit inside. The one we were on was not that way, though. Its seats were tiny, probably to facilitate necking underneath the stars and all that jazz.

I tried to ignore our proximity, how the side of my body was pressed to the side of his.

Garrett reached over suddenly and touched the ring on my finger, putting an end to my fidgeting.

"This is pretty. Your boyfriend give it to you?" he teased, a sly half-smile creeping onto his face as he studied my hand.

Ah, so original.

I cleared my throat. "Yeah, he did."

Garrett's eyes snapped up to mine and he frowned slightly, pulling his hand back.

Too easy. I grinned and lifted my hand, studying the ring I'd gotten for my birthday. "Naw, it was my mom's."

He grinned back, shaking his head. The twinkly lights all around us reflected in his eyes. I could finally see that they were hazel, a rather unusual color. I didn't think I'd ever seen anyone with eyes quite that shade.

I realized we'd been staring at each other for longer than was necessary. Swallowing hard, I looked away. We'd stopped near the very top. I leaned over and looked down; Alice and Jasper had graduated from cuddling to full on kissing in the seat below. I twisted around and looked back. Rose smiled and blew me a kiss. I pushed my lips into a kiss-back and straightened up, not wanting Garrett to think I was being rude.

I glanced at him sideways, taking in his profile, the way he licked his lips. I was attracted to him. Like, _really_ attracted, and I could tell he was attracted to me, too. I liked the way it felt, full of possibility. It was exciting.

Still, I clasped my hands in my lap and prayed for the ride to be over soon. Not that I minded sitting in cramped spaces with beautiful boys but it was starting to feel contrived and tense.

Then he puts his arm around the back of the seat, centimeters from my shoulders.

"Is this okay?" His lips were at my ear.

Fighting against a shiver, I thought about the things I wanted and the things I missed. It had been months and months of holding on to something that had faded away; how much longer was I going to wait?

I glanced up at Garrett, melting a little when he smiled slightly. The boy gave me butterflies.

I smiled into my lap, nodding. "Yeah."

And it really, really was.

* * *

before any hysteria ensues, keep in mind that i write the types of stories i'd want to read. i know the story i want to tell, so just enjoy the ride.

xoxo

* * *

**songs:**

_Signs - Bloc Party_

_Teenagers - Hayley Williams (thanks, misforMarisa!)_

**_Rose's "Mariah (Carey)Trifecta"_**

_Breakdown_

_H.A.T.E U_

_We Belong Together_


	14. Stolen

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks, Nic, for making this better, best. much love._

* * *

It wasn't hard to fall for Garrett Kelly.

I mean, yeah, he was hot – really hot. But there was a lot more to sexiness than just looks. The way he walked down the hall, for one. All confident and laid back, like he knew where he was headed but it wasn't a production to get there. I'd never really noticed him before, but I sure noticed him now. He sought me out by my locker as soon as I got to school on Monday, his eyes crinkling when he smiled at me. When we talked, it was like there was no one else around. I didn't mean that in a cheesy way. It was like, when he spoke to you, he was really paying attention to you.

Once I had him on my mind, it was pretty difficult to get him out.

Not that I didn't try. I was determined not to be an easy catch this time around. Game playing was stupid, and I knew that, but I guessed it was more a matter of not wanting another broken heart. I'd never been good at practicality though. The heart wants what the heart wants, and in this case, it was beginning to want Garrett.

He didn't make it easy to ignore him, either. He'd never sat at our lunch table before, but on Monday he plopped right down next to me, slinging an arm around the back of my chair. He and Jasper were teammates, so it wasn't _that _out of the ordinary. No one seemed to even blink. I played it off, but I was very aware of his presence.

From then on out he was always around: at our lunch table, during the few spare minutes between classes, after school but before practice. He always found a way to talk to me, or sit next to me and pull me into a one-on-one conversation. The attention was flattering, so different from what I was used to, that I found myself wanting him to single me out.

One day when Alice and I both had free time after school – a rarity for us both – we went down to the pool to watch the swim team practice. Because of dance, she'd only been a couple of times, and I'd never had any reason to go. She said the coach didn't mind if students and parents came to watch, as long as we stuck to the bleachers and stayed quiet.

It wasn't hard to see why Garrett was the captain. All the guys were strong swimmers, but he was by and far the best. His signature stroke was the butterfly, and it was fascinating to watch him swim up and down the lanes, his muscled shoulders spread like wings.

Eventually the coach blew his whistle and the guys pulled themselves out of the water. Garrett snapped his cap off and ran his hand through his hair and over his face.

All that shiny, toned, bare skin… by the time I actually looked at his face he'd already seen me ogling him. He grinned at me, and winked.

Yeah, it wasn't hard to fall for him at all.

* * *

It didn't take him long to ask me out; it took even less time than that for me to agree.

The first time we went out, we went bowling. I hadn't done that since I was a kid. Even though I was a little rusty, we had a lot of fun. There was a lot of laughing, and a lot of hands on mine while he taught me the "correct" way to throw a strike.

For our second date, we went out to eat at this quiet little place in downtown Stuart. I got to know him a lot better that night. He told me how he'd been swimming competitively since childhood, and how his father had been his first coach. Even though his parents were divorced, his father lived nearby and they were close. Like me, he was an only child.

The post date process was the same each time: he drove me home, walked me to the door, kissed my cheek, and waited for me to let myself in. Both times I was relieved he hadn't tried to kiss me, and then vaguely disappointed.

Maybe that was part of his plan, to make me want him so that when he finally busted a move I'd be ready and willing.

On our third date we went to the movies at the Treasure Coast Mall. I was a novice at dating, so I found it both amusing and appealing that our outings were so typical. There wasn't much to do in Jensen Beach, but I was used to hanging on the beach or at people's houses, usually drinking or smoking. Or both. Garrett wasn't into that, though. He said weed messed with his lungs, in turn messing with swimming.

It didn't make much of a difference to me. I liked smoking, but I had always been able to take it or leave it.

Tonight, our hands were clasped on the armrest between us, and I kept feeling him glance over at me. Finally I looked at him, trying not to smile.

"What?" I mouthed, hoping it was _what_ I thought it was.

He leaned toward me, running his nose along my cheek. "Can I kiss you?"

He was so, so appealing, and I was suddenly so, so nervous.

I nodded, almost holding my breath. He leaned closer and kissed me. Our lips met and, after a moment, he slipped his tongue into my mouth. I was distantly aware of the half eaten Snickers bar in my hands being squished as my fingers clenched involuntarily around it.

He broke the kiss after a while, softy kissing both corners of my mouth before sitting back. I opened my eyes and turned back to the screen, slightly breathless.

And so it began.

Whereas Edward had always been a bit of a mystery, Garrett was more of an open book. He didn't seem to have any reservations about relationships, or about letting me know he liked me.

Garrett always came to the front door, and never to my window. I was glad he wasn't into that. Only one boy had done that, and those memories felt sacred. I would've felt a little sick inside, being that way with someone else. I wanted new experiences, ones unique to Garrett and me.

Because I often worked into early evening, he got into the habit of stopping by the bookstore after practice or work to wait for me to get off. He had this table he always sat at, in Starbucks, where he'd do his homework and sneak glances at me. Sometimes, if it was slow, I'd join him for awhile.

We also went bowling a lot, which was fun in a sweet, dorky way. I had to admit though, I was getting pretty kick ass at it.

Not surprisingly, my parents liked him right off the bat. My father always did have a good nose for shenanigans, and Garrett was as straight laced as they came. It was nice not having to worry about being caught doing… whatever.

The girls liked him too, which was important to me. It wasn't like I needed their permissions to date, but we'd always looked out for one other. They kept it real; I trusted them. Plus, I wanted to feel comfortable if we were all going to be hanging out together. Group chemistry was important – regardless of how I felt for a guy, I didn't want to forget about my friends.

I sort of missed Jake. He was doing his own thing lately, hanging out with the same friends he'd always had, playing soccer and chasing girls. He seemed indifferent toward Garrett, and I wondered if that had anything to do with old feelings for me. I really hoped not, but there was nothing I could do about it.

We spent time with Jasper and Alice, though. Jasper and Garrett were a lot alike, relaxed and easy going, and they were friends anyway.

Still, I was spending more and more alone time with Garrett, which automatically meant less time with Alice and Rose. It happened so subtly I wasn't even aware of it until I spoke to Rose about it one day in biology.

"So, have you spoken to Emmett recently?" I asked, scooting my stool closer to her.

"Actually, he's been calling almost every night." She smiled, doodling in her notebook.

"Really?" I asked. "When did this start?"

"Like, a couple of weeks ago. Right after he went back."

Emmett had been in town for a visit, and it seemed as though he and Rose had gotten really close again.

"That's so sweet… how come you didn't tell me?"

She looked up. "Well, you've been a little…preoccupied lately."

I winced, putting down my pencil. "I'm sorry, Rose. We should do something together soon, all three of us…"

"Stop it." She rolled her eyes and went back to her doodles. "I'm just glad you're not moping around because of what's-his-name."

Edward was not a topic we broached often, but he was always going to be floating at the fringes of things. Rose was still in close contact with his brother; it was inevitable. Thankfully, it didn't sting the way it had right after he'd left.

I nodded, looking up at the board to make sure Mr. Banner was still busy. "Me too."

"Do you ever… think about …?"

"What?" I frowned at her, not used to her beating around the bush.

"I mean, do you ever regret not having sex with him?"

Pausing, I considered what she was asking. While I did still think of Edward, I hadn't really thought about _that_ in a while. If anything, though, I felt a little conflicted about it. "Not really."

She nodded and started drawing again. I was slightly flustered that she'd even ask that, especially when it had been so long since I'd even been with Edward. Instead of dwelling on it, I opened my text book and began taking notes for the chapter review.

I was fumbling through my back pack for a highlighter when I felt Rose rap my knuckles with her pencil.

She directed my eyes to her paper. Scrawled in Rose's messy script was one word: _Bullshit._

With a smiley face.

Sighing, I scribbled a note back to her.

_Even if I wished it could have happened, it was never a good time. Anyway he's gone. Maybe it's better this way._

Rose read the note and nodded, tucking it into her pocket. "It probably is better. No regrets."

Exactly.

* * *

Garrett and I were both fairly busy with school stuff and jobs, plus he had swimming, but we always found time to be together. It was… effortless.

By the time the school year ended, though, we were pretty much inseparable. That summer was near perfect. I was given a few more hours at the bookstore, so I had cash, but I also spent hours at the beach with Alice and Rose. Days were spent lazing beneath umbrellas and listening to the ocean. At night we were with our boys, doing our own thing. Emmett had come home for the summer, picking right up where he'd left off with Rose.

Sometimes, when you're used to having to work so hard to maintain something, having it come easy takes getting used to. I'd never realized how simple it could be to be with someone until I found Garrett.

We spent hours just talking, sometimes on the phone but mainly at the beach. One of my favorite things to do was toss down a blanket and curl up beside him, chatting about everything from politics to college. He wanted to study humanities and social sciences at the University of Miami. His being inspired, inspired me.

It was on one of those lazy, summer nights that I realized I loved him.

I'd made him dinner – with Mom's help, of course – at my house, and afterwards we went back to his house to watch movies. We were in the middle of a particularly romantic scene when he paused the movie, cupped my face, and said he loved me. I told him I loved him, too. I lost my virginity that night.

It wasn't perfect by any means, but it felt right. I was glad I'd waited to do it with someone who was devoted to me, someone who loved me like I loved him. I hated even comparing what we had to what Edward and I had, but it was hard not to. When it came down to it, I'd been so _young _before. Edward and I had been so crazy hot for each other that we'd been practically combustible. It may not have ended so nicely, violent delights having violent ends and all that.

On the flip side, though, Garrett and I fit together so well that sometimes I'd over think things. I was afraid things were destined to go terribly wrong, simply because they'd been going so fantastically right for so long.

That kind of thinking irritated the hell out of my friends.

"Life's going to happen, Bella," Rose said, pursing her lips. "You just have to enjoy the ride, right? If things start to change, then change with them."

Easier said than done, but she was right. I knew from experience that I couldn't always control what happened in my life.

Things shifted when I started junior year, but not the way I thought they would.

Garrett left to go to college down south. At first, I was a little depressed about it. I didn't want what we had to fade. I cried about it to the girls, complained, but he'd had his plan mapped out way before he met me. There was nothing I could do.

Not that I'd wanted to hold him back, anyway. I convinced myself that if things were meant to work, they would.

I did miss our lunch time dates and week day romps in his room, but we talked and texted all the time on the phone. Plus, he drove up every single weekend, sometimes even surprising me on weeknights, showing up at my house with flowers, or a U of M sweatshirt or something equally as corny.

One night, Alice and I were doing our chemistry homework together over the phone. Neither of us was very good at it, and it was better when we had one another to check answers.

Alice, who'd always been so damned independent anyway, thought that it was a positive thing we had time apart. Jasper had graduated as well, but because he was going to school in Georgia, she saw him even less. "Maybe it's good. Now you guys can let the relationship breathe a little."

"I know," I mumbled, scribbling down a formula. "I just need to get used to it."

And I did. Any fears I'd had dissolved once it became apparent that Garrett was just as committed to making things work as I was. He'd proved that distance didn't have to be this insurmountable obstacle. Granted, he was only a couple of hours away, but still.

* * *

In May, I brought Garrett to my prom, just like he'd brought me to his the year before. I didn't think things could get any better than dancing with my best friends and boyfriend underneath the stars.

Some of the kids got hotel rooms, but we didn't bother. We hung out at a diner with a huge group of my friends, goofing around until we were exhausted.

He dropped me home as the sky was beginning to lighten, promising he'd be by later on.

The next day, Garrett was quieter and more pensive than usual.

"What's up?" I asked eventually, covering my mouth as I yawned.

He glanced over at me, giving me a small smile. "Got good news today."

"Yeah?"

He nodded. "Remember that exchange program I told you about?"

My heart sank. I vaguely remembered him saying something about it a couple of months before.

"Did you… get in?"

He nodded again, pulling into the driveway of a house I was unfamiliar with.

"Um… whose house is this?" I laughed, squinting up at the rather large, Spanish style estate in front of me.

"I'm kind of house sitting for my aunt and uncle." He grinned, jumping out. "They have a pool, tons of food, huge TVs…"

"Nice," I said appreciatively, following him to the front door. "It's like… a staycation."

He looked back at me, amused. "A what?"

"You know, like the commercials. A staycation… a vacation at home?"

"Something like that." He opened the door and we walked inside.

"So, tell me about the exchange program," I urged, leaving my sandals and bag by the couch.

Garrett led me over to the glass doors. The pool was just outside, and way beyond, the ocean. It was gorgeous.

"Well, it's more of a study abroad program… it's in Brighton."

I stared back at him. "Is that in…"

"England," he finished, opening the sliding glass door. "They have programs that last a year, but I'm just going for the spring semester."

On one hand, I was relieved that we had a good few months before he had to leave. On the other hand, though… a semester? It was better than a year, I supposed. That would have _really_ put a damper on things.

"So, how long exactly?"

"January to June."

"Wow," I cried softly, trying to wrap my mind around it.

"I know," he said, wrapping his arms around me. "It's a good six months… but it's a really good opportunity. My dad did something like this when he was in college and he says he's never regretted it…"

"No, I know," I said quickly, putting an end to his rambling. "I think it's awesome. You should go. I'd go, if I had the chance." I meant it, too, even though the thought of him being that inaccessible for that long freaked me out a little.

"Maybe you will one day."

"Maybe I will," I agreed, shrugging.

I'd had him for a year and half, and it had been beautiful. There was no need to panic about something that was still six months away. We had another summer, and that's all I wanted to focus on for the time being.

At least, that's what I told myself.

In the guest room later, where Garrett was staying while he watched the house, we ate pizza in bed.

"It's so weird you're gonna be in England for six months," I said, wiping my hands on a napkin. "I bet you'll get to travel to other places n Europe, too."

"Probably." He paused, frowning slightly. "I didn't think they'd accept me, actually."

I rolled my eyes. "You're good at _everything_… of course they accepted you."

He was quiet for a moment. "I really don't want to leave you."

I swallowed back the tearfulness that had been prickling at me ever since he'd told me. "I don't want you to leave either."

Still, he heard the shaking in my voice and pulled me into his arms. Kisses of comfort turned into kisses of another kind, and for awhile, it was easy to forget.

Lying beneath the covers later, with Garrett dozing next to me, it occurred to me that we might not be forever after all. Oddly, the thought didn't devastate me. I'd known going into the relationship, long before, that things could change in the blink of an eye. In some ways I felt lucky that we'd had as long as we had.

It didn't mean that I liked thinking of being apart – in fact, I hated it – but like Rose was so fond of saying, I had to just roll with it. Who knew; maybe our relationship would grow even stronger.

Sometimes great things came out of unlikely circumstances.

* * *

Somehow we remained stoic about it, the sense of rapidly impending separation. It helped that we had so much time to prepare for it.

I told him how I felt, wanting to be honest and real. I told him that while I felt our relationship had a good chance of making it, I'd come to accept that a huge part of that was doing our own thing. He was right with me on that, not freaked out at all. I got the feeling he was relieved that I wasn't, like, falling apart at the idea of him leaving. Things felt weirdly mature, like we'd grown up. Like _I'd_ grown up.

We made the most of the summer, taking road trips to places like Key West and Panama City. As always, my days were filled with either work or friends, and my nights were good times and bonfires, often watching the sunrise at the beach. My parents had really loosened the reins, and it felt good to be deserving of their trust.

Garrett was heading back to Miami in the middle of August. He had a new off-campus apartment and different roommates than the year before so he wanted to settle in before classes resumed.

Feeling sappy and sentimental, I baked a crap-load of cookies and assembled a back to school care package for him the day before he left. It was full of items both novel and practical.

"Where am I going to fit this?" he chuckled, holding up the ginormous canister of hot chocolate I'd found at Target.

"I can send it to you," I offered, eyeing his already-packed car.

"I'm sure I can find space," he muttered, shoving it into the backseat for the time being.

He wrapped me in his arms, sighing. "I think we're going to be okay."

"I know we will. And anyway, you're not going overseas… not yet."

"You know what I mean."

I nodded, tiptoeing to kiss his chin. "I do."

We stayed that way for a minute, hugging and swaying in his driveway.

His stomach growled loudly, making us both smile.

I pulled away first, patting his belly. "I'm hungry too. Moe's?"

"Sounds like a plan," he agreed, tugging my ponytail. "Let's take my mom's car though."

He ran back inside to get the car keys and we left.

Typical of August, the heat and humidity were stifling. The sun was currently hidden behind a mask of dark, muggy clouds, but it was still hot. Mrs. Kelly's car had the worst a/c ever, and after waiting for more than five minutes for it to cool down I rolled down the window.

"Did you bring your iPod?" I asked.

He shot me a look. "Do you have any idea how old this car is? Even the tape deck's shot."

"Ugh, right," I mumbled, noting the decrepit state of the stereo. The radio still worked, though, so I flipped idly through the stations, searching for something decent.

"Ah, I love this song!" I gasped, turning up the volume.

Garrett smiled at me sideways, shaking his head as I started to sing.

It was an obnoxiously peppy tune, the sort of garbage that Alice and I would sing secretly in her bedroom. Come to think of it, we _had_ done that, thousands of times.

I was still singing when we hit US-1, lost in my own little pop-star universe.

Garrett hit a red light and stopped, drumming his fingers impatiently on the wheel.

A car pulled up in the next lane and I peeked surreptitiously to see if they were watching me make a fool of myself as I sang. I was always paranoid about other drivers watching me. They never were.

Unfortunately, that car's windows were up, and tinted, so I couldn't tell. It was a really nice car, though, a Camaro. One of the brand new ones, a gorgeous, gun-metal-grey. It reminded me of rain, of stormy days.

As soon as I thought it, rain drops began to speckle the windshield.

I glanced up at the light, wondering what was taking so long. Garrett's phone rang, and he turned the radio down to answer it.

Sighing inwardly I glanced back at the Camaro, noticing the driver had rolled his window down.

He was looking at me.

My heart stopped.

Edward.

* * *

_thanks for the reviews and PMs last chapter, guys. i know it's stretching our comfort zones but dammit, we can do this. and look. loverboy is back._

_happy thanksgiving to those of you in the states. i'm making a snickers pie to bring to the in-laws' feast. mm. xoxo_

* * *

**songs:**

**Stolen - Dashboard Confessional**

**I Get My Beat With Yoou - Richard Ashcroft**

**A Slow Dance - Explosions in the Sky**


	15. Ready to Start

All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

thanks to my beta, nic, the whipped cream to my pumpkin pie.

* * *

The rain started coming down harder, the drops spraying my face, but I couldn't look away from him. He looked the same, only older. His hair was shorter.

The light must have turned green, because suddenly we were moving again.

Edward passed by, his window still down. He glanced back at me and sped off, his car blending in with the others. My stomach folded in on itself and for a moment I was stunned, not just that I'd seen him, but that I was reacting this way.

Garrett finished his call and poked me. "Might want to close that," he chuckled, nodding toward the window.

"Yeah," I mumbled, cranking the window shut. The outside world disappeared behind the blurry glass.

"That came out of nowhere," he commented, turning the windshield wipers on.

"Not really," I said, squinting at the road ahead. "It's been overcast all day."

"I guess," he said, shrugging. We turned into the parking lot where Moe's was located, and parked. "Want me to just run inside and get it?"

Normally I would have said "no". I would have gladly braved the rain with him, glad to steal another few minutes with him before he went back to Miami.

But now I was all out of sorts, and anxious he'd notice. "Sure. Thanks."

"The usual?"

I nodded. "And extra chips…"

"And guacamole," he added, squeezing my thigh as he got out.

I sat for a minute, trying to gather my thoughts.

How long had Edward been back? Had he been trying to avoid me? That made no sense; he wouldn't have rolled down the window if that was the case, right? Still, it stung a little knowing he was back and he hadn't bothered to contact me.

I sighed, pushing down on my stomach with my hands as if that would push the nervousness out.

What was I doing? Edward didn't owe me anything. It had been years. I had a boyfriend, a serious one. For all I knew he had a girlfriend, either back in New York or in Jensen Beach. I closed my eyes, leaning my head against the back of the seat. I really hoped she wasn't in Jensen Beach.

My phone chimed, alerting me to a text.

It was Garrett. _Steak okay?_

I smiled, glancing up at the restaurant as I typed back. _That's fine._

On a whim, I texted Rose.

_Guess who I saw today._

The girl must've had her phone in her hand, because she responded immediately.

_Who?_

_Edward._ I paused, frowning_. u_ _knew he was here, didn't u_.

It took longer for her to answer, and I knew I'd been right. It didn't seem fair that she was privy to info like that, even if I no longer had the right to it myself.

_Yeah, Em told me._

_How come u didn't tell me?_

_b/c I didn't want u to act all weird, like ur doing_

I sighed in exasperation. Apparently, Rose knew me better than I knew myself if she'd seen this coming.

She sent another message_. r u mad at me?_

_No. it was just weird seeing him. Whatever._

The door opened abruptly, startling me out of my thoughts. Garrett handed me the bags of food and started the car, shaking water off of his hands and face.

"Thanks," I murmured, cradling our food in one arm so I could type with my free hand.

_Call u when I get home._

_k. xoxo_

I slipped my phone back into my purse, and peeked at Garrett. He looked back at me, smiling faintly. He was so, so handsome, and he still made me feel warm and lucky inside.

I realized I sort of hated Edward for making me feel unsettled and off.

* * *

Garrett sat back in his chair, rubbing his belly. "That hit the spot."

"It always does," I agreed, taking a sip from my water bottle. "I'm kind of stuffed, though."

He nodded, yawning.

"So… what do you want to do tonight? Any last requests before you head back?" I asked, standing up so I could clear the table.

"Actually, Jasper's having some people over… I thought maybe we could check that out."

"Okay," I agreed, tossing our napkins and wrappers into the trash.

He got up, stretching his arms over his head. "I'm going to go hang out with my mom for awhile, but I'll be back after dinner, okay?"

"Sounds good," I said, walking him to my front door.

He leaned down and kissed me goodbye, nothing deep, just short and sweet.

I watched him get into his car, waving when he waved at me, and then retreated back inside.

Feeling tired, I went to my room to lie down. After about ten minutes it became obvious that I was still a little anxious about seeing Edward. It had been so long since we'd seen one another and then boom. There he was, as sudden as a lightning strike. It wasn't that I didn't think about him anymore, because I did, but it wasn't as frequent an occurrence as it had once been.

When I did start to think too deeply about him, it was easier to just change the channel mentally. That was simple enough, having Garrett in my life.

But now he was back, and I was bound to run into him – mainly because we shared so many of the same friends. Being in a relationship hadn't stopped me from hanging out with the same people and at many of the same spots. When Garrett had first gone off to college, I'd been glad that I'd maintained those friendships.

I wondered what Edward had been up to all this time. It had been at least a year since I'd checked his Facebook, but he'd never really been into that anyway.

Feeling shady, I sat up and dragged my laptop over. My heart started beating rapidly, like I was doing something wrong.

I kind of was.

Ignoring my better sense, I logged on and went immediately to his page. Like before, there wasn't much besides a smattering of posts congratulating him on his graduation. I paused, reading some of them. It was so weird to think he was out of high school now.

Taking a breath, I clicked on his picture so I could see it better. It was just him, lounging on a couch or something with his hands folded behind his head. Besides a few other pictures with guys I didn't know – schoolmates I assumed – there wasn't much. I smiled when I saw a family picture, though. It had obviously been taken while they were visiting him, because he was in uniform, and there were fall leaves scattered on the ground.

Esme and Carlisle looked… radiant. Huge, happy smiles. Emmett stood to the side, his arms around Edward and Katie. I gasped; their little sister looked a lot older than she had the last time I'd seen her. I'd never really gotten to know her – she was the sweet little bookworm type – but she seemed to have blossomed.

And then, there was Edward. He actually looked pretty happy too. His hair was shorter, buzzed, and he was paler than I'd ever seen him. The uniform made him look severe, but the expression on his face was relaxed.

It made me feel inexplicably relaxed, too.

I was about to log out when a picture at the bottom of the page caught my eye. There were tagged pictures, too, ones that other people had on their pages. Biting my lip, I clicked on one, and then another. It was so weird seeing Edward around all these people I didn't know, laughing and goofing around.

The one that really got me, though, was of him and a girl, dressed like they were going to prom or something. Did they even have prom in military school? According to the caption it was some sort of formal. It didn't matter, anyway. He was dressed in uniform again, a different one, and she was in a gorgeous gown. My heart caught at how lovely she was, and how nice they looked together.

I exited out of there with a quickness, wishing I hadn't given in to my curiosity. Frigging Facebook was like a Pandora's Box of drama and information that I really didn't need.

So what. So what if he'd gone to a formal with some chick. I had loads of pictures of Garrett and me at prom, two years in a row. I wondered if Edward had ever looked at my pictures.

Ugh.

I couldn't believe I was obsessing like this. Sick of over-thinking alone, I called Rose, so I could over- think with her. Her phone went straight to voicemail and I tossed my cell into the sheets, frustrated.

It rang, prompting me to go digging for it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me," Alice said.

"Hey. What's up?"

"Nothing, just checking up on you."

I sighed. "I'm… cool. You know how it is. I'm used to Garrett going… he'll probably be back this weekend anyway."

"Yeah," she said, sounding distracted. "So, listen. I spoke to Rose a little while ago."

I stayed quiet, knowing where this was going.

"And, anyway. Edward will be there tonight. Okay?"

And there it was again, that funky, anxious knot in my stomach. "Okay," I said, as nonchalantly as possible. I didn't know why I bothered. Like Rose, Alice knew me through and through. If the three of us weren't so close I'd feel like they were ganging up on me.

"Rose said you were trippin a little, earlier."

"Jeez," I whined, kicking a pillow to the floor. "I was just…caught off guard. Seriously. You would've been the same way."

"For sure. That's why I'm giving you a heads up about tonight. I just… don't want you to feel weird, you know?"

"I think that's inevitable… until I get used to him being around, anyway."

"Do you still like him?"

Her words were like little poisonous darts, hitting me exactly where it hurt.

"I don't know. It doesn't matter, because I love Garrett, so…"

"It does matter," she said quietly.

Of course it mattered, I just didn't feel like dealing with lingering feelings for Edward. It had taken me forever to get over him in the first place. I got up, crossing my room to look out the window. "Just… let me figure it out, okay?"

"'Kay. You know I'm right behind you, regardless, right?"

"I know," I said glumly.

"Love you, B."

"Love you too."

We disconnected, but I stood there for a long time, staring out the window. The trees rustled wetly in the breeze, shaking residual raindrops on to the grass. One of them was overgrown, close enough to touch. I stretched my hand toward the nearby branch, letting water slide from its leaves to my fingertips.

A soft knock at the door stirred me from my musings.

I turned right as my mom walked in, looking around the room. "Why's it so dark?" she asked, switching on the light.

"It snuck up on me, I guess," I said, wiping my hand on the back of my pants.

She nodded, leaning in the doorframe. "Hungry?"

"Not really. Garrett and I got Moe's."

"Well, I'm going to start dinner anyway," she said, smiling as she turned to leave. "When's Garrett leaving?"

"In the morning."

Sympathy washed over her face, an expression I was well familiar with.

I waved her off. "Mom, it's fine."

"I know, I know. Are you going out tonight?"

"Probably to Jasper's later. He's having this… thing at his house. End of summer, or whatever."

She nodded, clapping her hand lightly against the door before walking down the hall.

Part of me wished I could tell her that I'd seen Edward earlier, but I wasn't ready to deal with the barrage of questions that were sure to follow.

I didn't even want to think about it anymore.

* * *

When Garrett and I pulled up outside Jasper's, the driveway and curb in front of his house were full. We parked a little ways down the block and hurried through the misting rain.

There weren't any Camaros around. I relaxed a little.

Inside, all of the usual suspects were present. Alice and Jasper, Em and Rose, Jake and this girl he'd been with all summer, Vanessa. In fact, a lot of kids from school were there, as well as a lot of the ones who'd graduated along with Garrett and Jasper.

We walked around for awhile, mingling and talking to different people. The front door opened and closed, and then Edward was standing in the kitchen. I sank back behind Rose, caught between wanting to see him and not wanting him to see me. He saw me anyway. His eyes flickered briefly over me before he turned to talk to someone else.

Eventually Garrett and I ended up in the living room, where a bunch of people were sitting around and talking.

"Want anything? A beer?" Garrett asked, standing beside me.

I nodded, sitting on the couch. "Sure."

"Be right back."

He left and I looked around, wondering where Alice was. We hadn't gotten to talk much since I'd arrived.

The couch dipped down next to me.

Slowly, I lifted my eyes.

Edward smiled down at me. He seemed different, definitely older. The Edward I'd known was tan and golden. Now his skin was creamy and pale, his hair short and dark. His eyes, though, were still the same. And he was still beautiful. Awfully. I felt warm all over, almost feverishly so.

"You avoiding me, Bella?" His grin widened.

Without meaning to, I grinned back, pulled right back into his orbit like a wayward star.

"Not really," I said. The sound of my own voice put a damper on things, reminding me of where I was. "How've… you been?"

He shrugged. "I've been good…"

"How long have you been back?" I blurted, shoving my clasped hands between my knees.

"A couple days."

That confused me; where had he been all summer if he wasn't been home? But it wasn't the time for questions and involved conversation. Frankly, I didn't know if it would ever be.

He brought his bottle up to his lips and took a sip. I watched him out of the corner of my eye.

He was definitely different. Quieter? Like his spirit had quieted down.

Oh, Lord. Now I sounded like Jake's mom, pontificating on vibes and spirits.

There was so much I wanted to say, but I sat, frozen.

Suddenly Garrett sat down on my other side, pressing a cold bottle in to my hands. "They had Heineken."

"Thanks," I said, smiling.

He winked and settled back, taking a long pull of his own beer. If he noticed Edward, he didn't seem to think anything of it.

Meanwhile, the awkwardness was overwhelming for me. On cue, Alice walked up and sat on a chair across from me, her lips pressed together as she tried not to laugh at me.

I made a face at her and glanced up at Edward, but he was sitting forward now, his forearms balanced on his thighs. He got up abruptly and left without a word.

Garrett stretched his arm out and pulled me closer to his side.

"These next couple of weeks are gonna be a little crazy… you'll be okay?"

"If you can't visit a lot at first?" I shrugged, and nodded, peeling my label off the bottle. At this rate, my beer would be piss warm by the time I got around to drinking it. "I always am."

"I have so much to do… so much to get in order before January," he sighed, tilting his head on to the back of the couch. "Hopefully things'll calm down, though. Maybe you can drive down this time…"

"I'm sure it'll be fine." I assured him.

"Yeah." He kissed my temple and sat back again.

The party – which was really more of a chill gathering – continued around us, but we sat quietly, talking every now and then. We'd reached such a comfortable point in our relationship; it was like I was sitting with Alice or Rose.

Well, not quite, but almost.

One thing felt off though, and that was the way we were handling his leaving the next day. Normally I was a lot more angsty inside, even though I maintained on the exterior. I knew he'd always come back, so it wasn't the end of the world, but I loved him. I wanted him to be minutes, not a phone call, away.

Tonight felt different, though – calm. Too calm. I wasn't sure what bothered me more: the fact that he seemed so matter of fact about not visiting as much, or the fact that I accepted it without issue.

Perhaps we'd gotten little too good at preparing for separation; it was like we were already there.

* * *

Garrett called me from the road the next morning. We talked for a little while, mostly about his class schedule and my upcoming senior year. While I'd been feeling complacent about him leaving, now that he was actually gone new feelings were starting to creep in.

Here, _here_ was the panic I'd been missing – but it was a weird kind of panic. I felt, suddenly, like all of the things I'd taken for granted were slipping through my fingers. I'd gotten used to being part of a whole, to being Garrett's girl, to having someone by my side. He wasn't just a place holder or a regular date, he'd become a huge part of my life, one of my best friends.

While I'd fully endorsed "doing our own thing", even if that meant being apart for awhile, now that it was staring me in the face I felt naïve and stupid. I'd really assumed my mature handling of the situation had meant I was growing up when it reality maybe we were just growing apart.

It was still way too early to tell, though. Maybe it was like, some sort of mid-teen crisis. Pre-college crisis?

Edward-back-on-the-radar crisis. That possibility really made me feel like crap.

No sooner had I hung up with Garrett I called Rose, ignoring that she was a fantastically late sleeper.

"Hello?" she answered, sounding all hoarse.

"I know you're sleeping, but I really need to talk," I whined, fluffing my pillow before lying down again.

"Mkay."

"Don't go back to sleep."

"Mm, I'm not."

"Rose."

"Ugh, is this about Garrett leaving? You do this every time."

I paused, trying to figure out the best way to word my drama without Rose jumping the gun.

Rose laughed throatily. "Holy shit."

"What?"

"You're freaking out cuz Edward's back."

"Not really," I hedged. "More like… I don't even know what I feel right now. Like…"

"You feel guilty?" she suggested.

"About what?"

"About liking him."

"I don't even know if it can be called 'like'. He makes me… uncomfortable, which in turn makes me feel bad because I shouldn't be affected by him at all."

"Feelings aren't supposed to be rational."

This was why I'd called Rose before calling Alice. Sometimes you need someone to reason with you, other times you just need someone to bitch with. Rose was the down for whatever type, loyal past the point of being rational. She was great at commiserating with me on the messiness of love.

Alice was clearer headed, and usually the one to smack me back into reality – with love. She was loyal, too, but she was also really moral. I suspected she'd have a different reaction to Rose, and I needed that. They balanced each other out. Shoot, they balanced _me_ out.

"No, they're not," I mumbled. "But still."

"So what are you going to do?"

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Bella," Rose groaned. "Stop. What are you going to do about this… inner drama crap?"

"I don't know," I said. "I just needed to vent."

"Coming over later? Last Saturday of summer…"

"Of course."

"'Kay. Call me if you need me. Seriously."

"I will."

* * *

My senior year started with less than a bang. It was almost anti-climactic. Every kid in high school longs to be a senior, but now that I'd arrived, it felt like every other year. Not that it particularly mattered; the point was that this was our last year. College was right around the corner and I was starting to get antsy to leave town.

My parents weren't exactly rolling in the dough, so I knew that I would more than likely be attending a state school in Florida. That was fine; I'd looked into schools like UF up in Gainesville, as well as USF in Tampa. I knew kids who had graduated and gone to both schools, so visiting to check them out would be simple enough.

If I was being honest with myself, the only reason I'd go south to a school like Garrett's would be to be near him. When he had first left to go to the University of Miami, I'd been certain that I'd one day follow him there. The more I looked into factors like curriculum and lifestyle, though (Miami, as much fun as it was to visit, was not a place I'd want to live) I realized that what might be a good fit for him wasn't necessarily a good fit for me.

Ugh. I was tired of thinking about all of it. Adults always made high school and college sound so carefree, "the best days of your life" and all that, but I seriously thought they were just romanticizing the past. Between maintaining my grades, getting into college, and trying to figure out why I felt so funky regarding Garrett, I was stressed the hell out.

I didn't know what I'd have done without the girls. I could keep it real with them, even the stuff that I was sort of embarrassed about. If I couldn't be honest with them, I couldn't be honest with anyone. And they didn't judge me. Even Alice, for whom everything was black and white, right or wrong, sympathized. "Just because Jasper and I have it easy, doesn't mean everyone does" she'd said once.

There was definitely a different tone to the school year already. Half the time I tried calling Garrett, I got his voicemail, and by the time he tried calling me back, he'd get mine. I began to wonder if he had any of the worries and doubts that I had. We'd always been on the same page with things, could it be that he too wondered if what we had was what it had once been?

Despite that, and his initial worries that he'd be too busy to come home, he surprised me on Saturday morning. By Sunday night he was gone again, but the time we did spend together was good.

And then there was Edward.

At first, I didn't see him at all. I thought this was a sign, a good thing. Maybe coexisting in the same place wouldn't be so hard after all. But as the first week of school turned into the second, I began to wonder: Was he in college? Where? Was he working? Was he living at home? Was he dating?

Yeah, right. The question was probably _who_ _was he screwing_?

"Maybe he's not screwing anyone," Alice said one Friday after school. Dance had been cancelled for the day, so she and Rose were hanging around the bookstore.

"We are talking about the same person, right?" I snorted, attacking a pile of clearance books with the price gun.

"Who're we talking about?"Rose asked, wandering back from the Starbucks in the middle of the store. There was a new employee over there, and he'd already fallen prey to Rose's charms. She was on her second frappuccino.

"Doesn't matter," I muttered at the same time Alice sighed, "Edward".

"Oh." Rose licked a swoop of whipped cream off the top of her drink. "What about him?"

"I just… wonder what he's up to these days. Who he's with."

"I don't think he's with anybody," Rose said.

This was news. I'd forgotten she might have the inside scoop on him because of Emmett. "Oh yeah?"

She nodded. "He's working at some construction company in Stuart."

I wrinkled my nose. "Construction? Why isn't he in school?"

She shrugged. "Why don't you ask him?"

Not likely.

"Is Em coming home this weekend?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Yeah. Is Garrett?"

"No," I said, straightening the pile of books I'd just priced into a neat row. "Maybe next weekend."

"How's that going for you?" Alice asked quietly, gazing at the book in her hands.

"I… I don't know. I used to feel sort of anxious when he was gone, like I couldn't wait for him to come back. It doesn't bother me like it used to…and _that_ bothers me," I admitted.

Alice nodded; this wasn't anything new. I'd been saying the same thing for awhile now, like talking about it would make it go away or at least make it work itself out.

"The thing that's really shitty is that I didn't realize I felt this way until I saw Edward. I hate myself for that," I said, turning to go back to the front counter.

"Why would you hate yourself for that?" Alice asked curiously.

"Because it makes me feel like I'm …emotionally cheating."

"Why?" Rose asked, frowning. "Have you thought about cheating or something?"

"No!" I cried. "No, I… no. Just…"

"Maybe seeing Edward reminded you of what it was like to be super excited about the person you're with…and _that_ made you realize things had changed with Garrett," Alice said.

"True," Rose said, nodding. "Things have been comfortable with Garrett for awhile now, but that doesn't mean they were perfect. Once the passion's gone, it's just a matter of time…"

"The passion?" I laughed. "Have you been reading the Harlequins again?"

"Shut up," Rose said, grinning. "You know I'm right."

Maybe she was right; maybe they both were. It didn't make me feel that much better.

Either way, I felt like I was looking for reasons to pick apart my relationship with Garrett.

Shittiest girlfriend ever.

* * *

"The mall?" I groan-giggled. "So lame."

"There's nothing else to do," snapped Rose. "And I'm driving, so…"

I shrugged, gazing out in to the night. As usual, the parking lot was packed, mainly with kids going to the movies or whatever. She was right; there really wasn't that much to do.

It was kind of ironic. Back in the day, when there had been all these restrictions on us because of parents and age, _everything_ had been exciting and new. Now that we were a little older, there was a sense of "been there, done that".

After circling the parking lot a few times, we finally found a spot and parked.

No sooner had we entered the food court I saw Emmett, Jake, and Edward sitting with two other guys. Talk about a blast from the past.

"Hey, babe," Emmett said, pulling on Rose's shorts as soon as she was close enough.

She plopped on to his lap. "Hey. Hi Jake, Edward."

Jake stood up and gave me a hug. "Long time no see," he teased, leaning over to hug Alice as well.

"You see me all the time," I reminded him, returning the awkward, three person hug.

"Yeah, but… you know."

I did know. Jake made it quite clear that he preferred when Garrett wasn't around. I doubted it was a coincidence that we suddenly gotten close again the moment my boyfriend went off to college.

"Hey, Edward," I said, giving him a little wave.

He smiled and stood up. "Hey, Bella."

Before I could react, he pulled me into a hug, giving me a tight squeeze before letting go.

It was so weird, holding him again. Weird in a good way.

He released me and I stood back, my face warm.

He took a step back too, putting his hands in to his pockets. "How've you been?"

I shrugged, glancing around the mall. "Good. Busy, you know. What about you?"

"Same."

I nodded, wishing it wasn't so awfully awkward between us.

"Hey, we're gonna see a movie," Alice said, linking her arm through mine.

My heart sank. I wasn't in the mood to do that. I realized, abruptly, I wanted nothing more than to just sit down and talk to Edward. I couldn't deny it anymore. I didn't want to.

"Is that okay?" Alice whispered, sensing my hesitation.

"I guess…" I hedged, looking back at Edward.

"We can hang out here while they go," he said, rubbing his hand down the back of his head. "If you want." It was odd seeing him this way, like he was unsure of himself. A huge departure from the cocky little brat I'd been infatuated with two years before.

Meanwhile, maybe he was as curious about me as I was about him.

"I think I'd rather do that," I said to Alice, squeezing her hand. "You don't mind, right?"

She smiled knowingly, letting go as she left to catch up with Rose.

Emmett tugged my hair on his way out, winking at me over his shoulder. I didn't even want to know what that was all about, if anything at all.

I had so many questions for Edward. The loud, garishly bright food court wasn't where I'd imagined this conversation going down, but that was life I supposed.

"Do you wanna… sit in my car?" he asked, staring at his folded hands.

"For what?"

"To talk." His tone was neutral.

I stared at him, wondering if that was a good idea.

_What does he really want with me?_

He looked up, chuckling at my expression. "What? It's loud in here."

I bit my lip, smiling. "I know."

"I'm not…" He leaned closer, and like always, I leaned closer too. "I know it's not like that anymore. Relax. I thought you wanted to talk."

"I do."

"Then… relax. I'm not going to seduce you in the mall parking lot."

I made a face, which made him laugh. "Oh, like that's so beyond you. You did try to seduce me in the mall movie theater."

That only made him laugh harder. "Yeah… I guess I did."

The memory made me blush, even if I _was_ the one to bring it up.

He gazed at me, his laughter dying down.

"Well… let's go then," I said, standing up.

He nodded, unfolding himself from the chair. He was still so lanky, and taller than I remembered.

His car was just as immaculate on the inside as it was on the outside. It smelled good, sexy like leather and cologne and boy, making my insides twist.

"I like your car," I said, closing the door carefully once I was seated.

"Me too," he said, running his hand over the dashboard. "It runs really nice, too. Maybe I can take you for a ride soon."

I nodded, wanting that more than I should have.

But just sitting in a car with him felt clandestine. It was like we were in our own little bubble, and while I'd once loved that, now it put me on edge.

He settled back, staring out the windshield. "So."

"So… you're working now?"

"Yeah… with this construction company. I like it, actually."

"Why didn't you go to college?"

"I'll go," he said. "Probably next year. It's been intense, Bella. I needed a break."

I nodded, even though I had no idea what military school had been like.

"That's actually what I was doing most the summer – construction with my Uncle Alec. You remember him, right?"

"Yeah… that's who you lived with?"

"When I first got up there, yeah. And, then after I graduated. Anyway, he offered me a job and the pay was too good to turn down, so I took it."

"I'm surprised you didn't come back here as soon as school let out."

He shrugged.

The silence was deafening.

"I thought about you when I was gone," he said out of nowhere, still not looking at me.

I wasn't sure how that was supposed to make me feel. It brought to the surface old emotions I thought I'd gotten over, feelings of sadness, longing, and even anger.

"You just… stopped writing to me one day. No calls, no texts, nothing." I stared at my hands, now clenched into fists on my lap. "Why?"

He was quiet for a minute. All I could hear was his breathing. I was glad he hadn't put music on.

"I didn't know what to say after awhile," he said eventually. "I thought… maybe if we stopped talking it would be easier."

"On who?"

I could feel his eyes on me, but I couldn't look at him just then.

"Are you pissed at me?" he asked quietly.

"I don't know," I said. "No."

"Do you want to be?"

"Mad?"

"Yeah."

"It would make things easier," I sighed.

"What things?"

I exhaled slowly, finally letting myself look at him again.

_Everything._

_

* * *

_

happy birthday, chicklette! sweet girl, you.

and thanks, all, for the reviews, messages, tweets. (i'm roglows on twitter, if you want to chat).

_

* * *

_

**songs:**

**Daniel - Bat for Lashes**

**Ready to Start - Arcade Fire**

**6 Underground - Sneaker Pimps**


	16. No One's Gonna Love You

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks, betafish Nic, for putting up with my crap. you're the jam on my toast._

* * *

He gazed calmly back, his eyes flickering back and forth between mine, waiting.

I wasn't used to him being the one to ask questions; back in the day, it had been _me_ drawing _him_ out. My, how things had changed. A hundred thoughts flitted through my mind, and not one of them was very appropriate to say out loud.

"It's just weird, you know?" I said finally, knowing I was copping out by being vague.

He shook his head slowly, still pinning me with his stare. Great. He obviously wasn't letting me gloss over this. Since when was he interested in soul-searching, deep conversation? I shook my head; I needed to stop comparing old Edward to current Edward. God knew I wasn't quite the same, either.

"You being back," I clarified. "It's weird having you back on the landscape. Things… ended so abruptly. We didn't really get any closure." My stomach knotted up. I felt oddly vulnerable, like I was spilling my secrets.

Come to think of it, he'd always been good at making me want to blurt things out.

"You feel like there was no closure?" he asked, wrinkling his brow.

I shifted so that I was sitting sideways in the seat, facing him. "Would we be having this conversation if there had been?"

The faintest hint of a smile touched his face, and he shrugged, looking down. "Do you _want_ closure?"

This was becoming an exchange of questions.

Currently, I was bordering on frustrated. I knew I should want closure, should want to be able to enjoy my time with Garrett with no extra stumbling blocks besides what was already on our plate, but I wasn't sure. It wasn't so much that I wanted closure, it was that I _needed_ it. I hated having feelings for someone when I was with someone else.

"Well… yeah. For moving on," I admitted.

He glanced up sharply. "You did move on, Bella."

I didn't understand his anger. He'd said himself he had stopped talking to me, so why was it wrong that I had moved on? I stayed silent, waiting for him to expound.

"You've been with that guy for awhile now, haven't you?" he continued, cocking his head.

I nodded, chastened by his tone of voice.

"So, why does it matter that I'm back?" he asked.

Now he was asking loaded questions. Jerk. I didn't like this cloaked way of speaking, like we were saying everything but what we really wanted to. Neither of us wanted to be the one to upset the tenuous balance we were trying to forge – not that I was really at liberty to.

"It doesn't," I lied, grabbing the door handle.

"Come on, Bella, they're going to be in that movie for at least another hour."

"We're talking in circles," I said quietly. "I just… being around you makes me uncomfortable. I don't know why. Okay?"

"Yeah, well, you make me uncomfortable, too," he muttered.

There was so much I wanted to say, to hear _him_ say, but I wasn't sure I was ready. It was one thing to have things floating nebulously through my head, but another story completely to voice them. I almost felt like I was being shady, like I was crossing the line, simply by talking to Edward this way. I obviously had feelings for him, and – surprisingly – it seemed like he had them for me, too.

Even if I was unsure about Garrett these days, imagining him in a private place, talking this way with his ex, hurt.

Perhaps the worst thing of all was that I wanted to be here, next to Edward, talking.

"Do you want to drive around?" Edward asked suddenly, touching his hand to his pocket.

It sounded so, so good that I knew I shouldn't. I shook my head. "No."

"You really don't trust me, do you?" he laughed humorlessly, slumping back into his seat.

_No. It's me I don't trust._

_

* * *

_

Edward and I spent the remainder of time wandering the mall, people watching and window shopping, trying to keep the conversation flowing,

It wasn't all bad; sometimes remnants of our old rapport surfaced, and it was good. He'd comment about something, or crack a joke. I'd look at him and his eyes would sort of sparkle, and we'd laugh for a second. But then the moment would pass and the weirdness would descend again, the _remembering._

Way back in the day, the discomfort I'd felt around him had been nervy and good. Now it was weighted and awkward with things we really couldn't say and way too many memories.

By the time our friends had emerged from the movie theater, I was more than ready to go. Rose and Alice saw immediately that I was in a funky place, despite my efforts to keep a neutral face.

"You sure you don't wanna go?" I heard Emmett asking Rose, tickling his fingers just under her shirt. The guys were heading to a lounge or something to play pool.

"Nah," she said, wrapping her arms around his neck. "Tomorrow, okay?"

I turned away from their sugary goodbyes and let Alice link her arm though mine.

"How was the movie?" I asked.

"Good. A lot funnier than I was expecting," she said, laughing. "How was…" she lowered her voice, "your talk?"

I peeked up to see where Edward was. He and Jake were near the glass doors, looking like they were about to leave.

"Perplexing and slightly unpleasant," I deadpanned.

"Not surprising."

"Right?" I breathed, leaning closer to her. "This sucks. We can hardly say anything. I mean, we say stuff, but it's… not productive. Like we're both too afraid to speak our minds. At least, I am."

"Give it time," she said, shrugging. "He just got back."

"I know," I sighed.

Rose walked over, nodding at us. "Ready? I kind of want ice cream…"

"Why don't you just get something here?" I asked.

She made a face. "I was thinking Kilwin's. Downtown."

Emmett bounded over, wrapping me in a tight hug. "See ya soon, Bella. You should come around more often."

"I am around," I snorted. "You're the one who lives down south now…"

"Semantics," he said, squeezing my shoulder. "You know what I mean."

I had a feeling I did know what I meant, and it was confirmed when his eyes slid over to Edward. Emmett hugged Alice and walked away, already on his phone.

Edward came close again, all hesitant. "So… I guess I'll see you around."

I nodded. "Okay."

He faltered, and I wondered if he was going to try and hug me again. But then he stepped back. "Bye, Bella…"

"Bye," I echoed, watching him retreat.

Rose looked at me, wincing sympathetically. "Ouch. "

I started for the door, more than ready to get home. "Don't even."

"Ice cream," she reminded me, as if that would solve the world's problems. Ben and Jerry for president.

My phone vibrated. Disconnecting from Alice, I slid it from my pocket, my heart faltering when I saw the text.

Garrett. _Miss you._

My face felt warm, and I wanted to cry.

_Miss u too._

_

* * *

_

Whereas at first it seemed as though Edward was making himself scarce, now he was everywhere. I told myself this was coincidental; we shared many of the same friends and haunts. Luckily, repeated exposure to one another chipped away at the awkwardness, and after awhile it became easier to just chill_._ I didn't have to pretend because, despite my ongoing conflicted feelings about damn near everything, I really did feel okay around him.

It helped that he played along, even though I often caught him watching me. We didn't try having anymore heavy discussions. I didn't want to, and I doubted he did either.

One Thursday night, when the store was dead, I was hanging out in the coffee shop at Barnes N' Noble during my break, doing homework. I glanced up, surprised to see Edward of all people browsing the aisles.

I took a sip of coffee and continued with my pre-calculus. It wasn't my best class, but I was more than proficient despite my uncharitable feelings toward it.

Twenty minutes later, Edward had yet to approach me. He'd been in the young adult section for quite some time. I snickered inwardly, wondering what could possibly be so intriguing to him. After a moment a shadow feel across the table, and I looked up.

Edward smirked down at me, turning my notebook so it was facing him. "I'm so glad I'm done with this shit."

"Well, good for you," I snarked, grabbing my notebook back. He wouldn't let go, though. "Can I help you with something?"

"Actually, yes. Katie's birthday is tomorrow. She still loves to read… any recommendations?"

"If she loves to read, chances are she's read most of what I would recommend. Gift card, maybe?"

"Too impersonal." He slid the chair across from me out and sank into it, kicking my feet with his.

"What's she into?"

"Creepy stuff."

"Like, Stephen King creepy or Christopher Pike creepy?"

He paused, thinking. "I remember Christopher Pike. He still writes?"

I nodded, coming out from behind the counter. "Yeah… his new stuff looks pretty good, actually. I'm tempted to read it myself."

He followed me back to the young adult section, almost bumping into me when I stopped. "Sorry."

I waved him off, even though his proximity made me feel fluttery. And guilty, as usual. Ugh, this sucked.

It wasn't that I didn't like seeing him; it was that I liked it a little too much.

"There, the white books. It's a trilogy, I think. You can maybe get her this, and then a gift card too, and a gift receipt in case she doesn't like the books."

"Thanks," he said, but he made no move to actually get the books.

We stood there for a second. I remembered my coffee, probably getting cold.

"I'll be up front."

He nodded, and I knew he was watching me as I walked away.

* * *

Garrett straightened up, smiling down at me.

"I think I'll miss that the most."

I nodded, still feeling his kiss on my mouth. He always made me feel warm and safe when we were like this. Loved.

He turned and walked down toward the water, kicking sand along as he did.

"I'll miss the beach, too. I've never been far from it, you know?" His voice barely floated back to me, caught by the wind.

I watched him walk along the shore for awhile, enjoying the setting sun on my face and the balmy breeze in my hair.

He'd visited the past couple of weeks, usually coming on Saturday and leaving on Sunday. It wasn't like it had been the year before, but neither was his class schedule. The fact he could come at all meant a lot.

Pulling the blanket from my bag, I shook it open and let the wind catch it, spreading it like a sail. I lowered it down and sat on it, anchoring the corners with my shoes.

Garrett wandered back and sat beside me, lying back with his hands behind his head. The late afternoon light shone gold in his hair, and a peaceful grin played at his face. I wondered, for the millionth time, if he ever had doubts, if he ever felt turmoil deep inside.

"What was your longest relationship?" We'd discussed things along those lines, our pasts and the people in them, but I realized I'd never asked that.

"This one," he answered, opening one eye to look at me.

I guessed that made sense.

"Hard to believe we've been together so long," I said, after a minute.

"I know. We're a good fit." Garrett slid his fingers through mine and squeezed. It was a familiar feeling.

I squeezed back. "Yeah. It's easy."

He grinned, closing his eye again.

"Are you ever afraid? That it won't last?" I asked quietly, staring at the water.

He was quiet awhile. I peeked down at him, afraid he'd be confused or upset, but he wasn't. Actually, he looked a little lost in thought.

"I don't know. I think we've done okay so far, and we don't even see each other that much. Maybe that's a good sign, right?"

I swallowed, looking away again. What he said was true, but I wasn't so sure that was a _good _sign.

"It's like, we're together even when we're not together," he continued.

Even though I'd thought those exact words more than I cared to admit, it put a dull ache in my chest because that wasn't true for me. I felt like we were together in name only, and that was about it.

Finally he sat up. Now he looked concerned. "What… what were you thinking about?"

"Just the way we've changed over the years. It's been good for a long time. We're lucky."

He nodded, looking intently into my eyes. "Is it still good?"

I swallowed back the lump in my throat. "I want it to be."

And I did.

"Then, it will be," he said. "I know next semester's daunting, but… if anyone can make it work, it's probably you and me."

"I guess," I said, ignoring the panicky flutter deep inside. This was the closest I'd ever come to bringing these things up; I needed to just get it out. "I think things'll change, though."

I waited for him to counter my words with his usual confidence, but he didn't. He just wrapped his hand around mine and sat still. It bothered me that he didn't dispute what I had just said, like maybe he felt the same way. Maybe we were closer to things unraveling than I'd thought.

I could feel him watching me, probably wondering what I was thinking.

We sat in silence for a while. It wasn't an awkward or a hurt sort of quiet, but it cut deep, knowing that things couldn't stay the same forever.

_Even if they could, would I want them to? Would he?_

The sun went down. It wasn't quite night yet, and the world was bleached of color, the filmy grey white in-between making me feel cold inside.

Garrett spoke up, his voice even. "What are you afraid of, Bella?"

"I'm afraid that we might not be on the same page anymore," I admitted. "Things are always changing, and that doesn't have to be bad, but… I don't know."

"I guess… yeah. In some ways it feels like we've changed," he conceded. "It was to be expected, though. The dynamic's different – we're not together all the time like we were in the beginning."

I nodded, running my fingertips over the lines in his hand.

"It's no one's fault…" he added.

"I know it's not. It is what is," I whispered, not trusting my voice. "What does that mean, though? For us?"

He shrugged, looking deep into my eyes. "I don't know. It doesn't have to mean anything right now."

"I just… I don't want to lose you, but sometimes things feel like they're out of my control." I bit my bottom lip hard, keeping my overboard emotions at bay. This didn't need to be so intense; it wasn't like we were breaking up.

Garrett knew me, though, knew my face. "Hey," he whispered, pulling me closer.

I scooted over and let him wrap his arms around me.

He stayed until Sunday evening, spending most of his time with me. The following weekend he was back on Friday night, surprising me at work the way he used to when we were both in high school. Neither of us brought up the things we had discussed on the beach, but Garrett started putting a lot of effort into being present, being… boyfriend-y. I supposed putting a face to the emotions we'd been feeling for months had shaken us out of our complacence.

We spent weekends at the beach, taking long drives, watching movies in his room. He preferred it that way because he wanted quality time. I wanted quality time, too, but I also wanted to avoid the conflict I felt when we ended up in the same place as Edward. Even thinking that way made me feel slightly dishonest, but I was at wits end. I couldn't exactly control my feelings – not the waning ones for Garrett or the inconvenient ones for Edward.

I both loved and hated the latest stage of Garrett-and-me. It felt good because I loved him, and spending time with him was natural and comfortable. It made it easy to pretend like nothing had changed. On the other hand, the fact that we _had _to try only highlighted the fact that our relationship was not as solid and seamless as it had once been.

Sometimes I felt bad, because Garrett had never done anything wrong. Neither had I. Perhaps it would have been easier had one of us screwed up somehow, but we hadn't. It made things feel very uncertain and even anti-climactic.

I had a feeling our talk on the beach was one of the first of many. When you've been with someone that long, such conversations don't automatically equal a death sentence. I was glad I got the ball rolling by bringing up my concerns in the first place. No matter what happened, Garrett deserved to know what was on my mind.

* * *

After a couple of weeks, Garrett had to start staying on campus during the weekend again. Besides classes, he swam for the university, and several meets were coming up. Half the time we spoke, he was falling asleep as a result of having been up since dawn, training.

I wasn't sad, or even disappointed. I was beginning to feel numb toward the whole thing. The more I thought about it, the more I realized we'd have a big decision to make before he left for England.

Meanwhile, I fell back in to my usual weekend routine with Alice and Rose, which meant seeing Edward a whole lot more than I had before. For the most part he'd always seemed to respect the fact that I had a boyfriend, because besides staring at me, he didn't make any moves. He kept things friendly, which made it easy for me to do the same, despite the butterflies in my stomach every time I saw him.

I noticed he didn't smoke anymore. He did drink sometimes, like most of us did at get-togethers or the beach, but he always seemed straight. I wondered if this was a direct result of military school, or if he had simply outgrown the habit.

My grandpa had a bit of a drinking problem, and he tended to get a little verbose after a couple of drinks. My mother was used to his antics, and she always had cute little sayings handy like, "that's the liquor talking", and, "in wine there is truth".

By the time the girls and I got to Jake's one night in particular, the liquor was _definitely_ talking.

Edward and Jake were playing pool. Emmett and a bunch of other guys were playing Asshole at the table, a half-full bottle of Patron in the middle.

"Ugh," Alice said, turning up her nose at the scene. "If they're drinking this early, we might have to go."

"Don't be so dramatic," Rose said, brushing past us as she made a bee line toward Emmett. "At least give it a half hour."

"We can play darts or something," I said to Alice.

Edward looked up just then. His eyes trailed me from head to toe, making me feel naked. Jake poked him with his cue, and Edward glanced back to the table.

"Hey girls," Emmett slurred, weaving his way over with Rose trapped beneath his arm. "Wanna play?"

"I don't like tequila," I said, remembering the one and only time I'd tried it. That night had ended with me puking in the parking lot of Alice's apartment building.

"Come on…" he whined, already wandering back to the card game and leaving Rose behind.

"Okay, maybe you were right," Rose said to Alice, folding her arms. "He's trashed. They all are."

Jake walked up, grinning. He didn't seem to gone, but he was pretty good at holding his liquor."What's up? Wanna play pool?"

"I do," Rose said, nodding. "We can play in teams, maybe?"

I wanted to beg out but Jake thrust a cue into my hand. "You can partner with Edward. He's already losing, anyway."

"Thanks," I said sarcastically. Everyone knew I sucked majorly at pool.

"I'm going to call Jasper," Alice whispered.

"Are you sure? You can play for me," I said, offering her my stick. Edward was on his way over to us, and I didn't want to deal with my topsy-turvy feelings tonight. I just wanted to relax...

"No, no. Go ahead and play. I'll take over for you later, if anything." She jogged up the basement stairs before I could say anything.

"Hey, babe," Edward said, smirking at me.

_Babe?_

"Hey," I said, waving.

He pulled me into a bear hug, actually lifting me off the ground a little.

"You've been hitting the Patron, haven't you?" I wheezed, patting his back.

"Hell no," he said, putting me down. "Jaeger."

I shuddered. Bad memories of that one, too. "Oh."

He winked, but he was out of it, and it just made him look like he had something in his eye.

Coughing back a laugh, I turned toward the table, where Rose had just finished racking the balls. "You guys want solid or stripes?"she asked.

"Stripes," we said at the same time. I stepped delicately away from Edward, who was standing so close to me I could feel his body heat.

"We always did make a good team," Edward commented, coming closer and winking again.

This time, I laughed out loud.

"What?" he asked, smiling.

"You look like a dirty old man when you wink like that," I said, grabbing the cube of blue chalk.

"Maybe I am a dirty old man."

"Oh yeah?"

He came closer. "Speaking of dirty old men, where's yours tonight?"

"Garrett?"

"Whatever."

Rose made the first shot. She got it in, of course.

"He's in Miami," I said, watching Rose set up her next shot. Emmett whistled loudly from his side of the room, leering appreciatively at her ass. She ignored him, but she still missed her shot.

Edward sidled up to the table and leaned over, sliding the cue stick between his fingers. Even drunk, he was coordinated enough to sink his ball.

"You're up," he said, nodding toward the pool table.

I shook my head. "Go ahead."

He rolled his eyes and yanked me over. "I'll help you."

Memories of him doing that when I was fifteen flooded my mind, giving me a wicked sense of déjà vu.

"You don't have to," I said gently, pushing him back.

I lined up my shot the way Rose had taught me, and while it wasn't a complete disaster, I missed.

"Sorry," I muttered, moving back as Jake came over to take his shot.

"Do you miss him?" Edward asked suddenly, too close to my ear.

I focused on a spot in the worn carpet. "I'm used to it, I guess." I meant to dismiss Edward's pretend-concern, but instead I felt like I should have said nothing.

"That's no good," he said.

I turned to face him, a little fed up with his insinuations. "What?"

"That he doesn't have time."

"He comes down when he can, but he's busy with school."

"He's not here now," he said smugly, returning to the table to shoot.

I scowled at his back, not enjoying this loose-tongued version of him at all. I remembered him being silly and flirty when he was drunk; now he just seemed obnoxious, like he wanted to get a rise out of me.

"Your turn," he said, over his shoulder.

I took my shot and made it. Finally.

"Nice," Edward breathed, his hand lingering on the small of my back. "You didn't even need me."

"No kidding," I said, moving away from his touch.

"Is it really that bad between us?" he asked, pulling me back toward him.

By this point both Rose and Jake were looking at us.

I took a deep breath and turned to Edward. He gazed down at me, his eyes sleepy from alcohol.

"Things are fine between us when you're not being touchy and trying to start shit with your questions," I whispered loudly.

He frowned, pushing his hand through his hair. It was growing back now, but it was still so much darker than it used to be.

"Start shit?"

"Yeah."

Jake spoke up. "Um… you guys still playing, or…"

"Go ahead," I called back, not taking my eyes off of Edward.

"How is asking you about Garrett starting shit?" he asked. "Maybe you're just sensitive."

"Or you're insensitive."

"Or you're pissed off because your boyfriend," he held his fingers up in air quotes, "leaves you alone all the time. How does that work, Bella?"

Edward's motives were questionable, but his words hit where it hurt. I glared at him, hating that he had always had the power to make me feel this much.

"I don't know, you tell me," I snapped, shoving my cue at his chest. "At least _he calls._"

I spun around and went upstairs, needing to get away.

Alice was on her way back down. We nearly collided.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked, holding my arms. "You okay?"

"Edward's a drunken asshole."

"Most people are assholes when they're drunk," she quipped, coming back upstairs with me. "What'd he do?"

"He's just… almost flirting, but it's because he's wasted. And he was asking all these questions about Garrett, but in a mean way, not like he cares."

Alice frowned, pushing her bangs out of her face. "Oh. That's… weird. But not really. People are pretty honest when they're drunk."

"Honest and mean."

We wandered into the kitchen, where Rachel was making a sandwich. She glanced up, smiling when she saw us.

"Hey, Bella. Long time no see."

"Hey, Rachel. How've you been?"

"Good," she said, smoothing mayo over her bread. "Either of you want a sandwich?"

"No, thanks," I said. Alice shook her head, smiling.

"So, who's honest and mean?" Rachel asked, arching an eyebrow. "Voices carry, just saying."

"Edward," Alice said.

"What did he say?"

"He's making rude comments about my boyfriend," I sighed. It sounded so petty when I explained it.

"Aw." Rachel put down her knife. "He's probably just jealous."

I shifted uncomfortably, shrugging. Call me an idiot, but before tonight I hadn't really thought about it that way.

"He'll get over it. Maybe he'll get a girl of his own soon," she continued, putting the sandwich fixings away.

My heart lurched at her words. Oh, God. I really was a selfish bitch. I had a boyfriend, but I still had feelings for Edward, so much so that it would hurt to see him with someone else. Alice, probably sensing my mood, slid her fingers through mine.

Rachel looked up from her food, realization dawning across her face. "You still like him, don't you?"

I shrugged again. No matter how old I got, Rachel Black had the uncanny ability to make me feel like a little girl.

"That sucks." She grimaced, picking up her sandwich. "Um, turn off the lights when you're done in here."

Alice and I looked at each other. She laughed, covering her mouth.

The rage I'd felt downstairs had dissipated by now. Maybe I needed to snap at Edward more often. Being so compliant years before had come naturally, but I obviously still harbored resentment.

"Shut up," I snorted, shoving her. "I'm glad my issues are funny to you."

"I'm kind of hungry," she said, going to the fridge. She held out a Coors Light. "There's beer… want one?"

"It's probably Rachel's. Or Mrs. Black's. And, Coors Light?"

"Well, I'm not drinking that crap downstairs."

"Fine." We each took a bottle and headed back down to the basement.

Edward was on the couch, by himself. He motioned me over when we made eye contact.

I hesitated, but eventually joined him, leaving a suitable amount of distance between us. "What's up?"

He seemed contrite. "I'm sorry."

I folded my arms, careful not to spill the beer. "Okay."

"Can we go outside?" he asked.

The room suddenly seemed very small, and very loud.

"Sure," I said, standing up. Admittedly, I was curious to hear what he had to say.

I followed him upstairs and outside to the porch, where it was nice and quiet. He sat on the steps and patted the spot next to him.

"I talk shit when I've been drinking," he sighed, ruffling his hair.

"My mom says people are more honest when they drink," I said, looking at him sideways. "Alice says that too, actually."

"Yeah, that's probably true," he chuckled, leaning back. His shoulders were so broad now; he'd filled out a lot.

"So…"

"So I want to be friends."

"We are friends."

"Are we?"

I smiled, shaking my head. "I don't know."

"I'm just going to throw this out there." He paused until I looked up at him. "I don't really want to be your friend, Bella."

I tucked my hair behind my ears, waiting for the catch. "Why not?"

"I think it's safe to say there's something here," he said, gesturing between himself and me.

And there it was. It was a warm, humid evening but I shivered, wrapping my arms around my knees.

"We weren't really friends before, either," I said eventually, unable to look him in the face. "It was always so physical between us."

"It was more than that."

Oh, _now_ he wanted to quantify things.

"Maybe, but… I don't know. It was too intense."

"What's wrong with intense?"

I smiled into my lap. Who was I kidding, I _loved _intense. I craved it. "Intense is good, but it's not all there is, Edward. You…"

"What?"

"You never wanted anything _but _the intense parts. I feel like I held my breath the entire time."

"So now you go for the boring guys." He said it like he was teasing, but I knew he meant it.

"Oh, so Garrett's boring because he doesn't smoke weed and party like a rock star?" I said sarcastically, giving him a look.

"I don't smoke weed anymore."

"You know what I mean."

"Well, yeah. No. He's just boring."

"Maybe I like boring."

"Maybe you like me."

I covered my face, trying not to laugh. "You're still so full of yourself."

He poked my side. "Okay, so he's not boring."

I sat up. "No, he's not. He's great, and we have a good thing."

"You trying to convince yourself or me?"

"I don't like this side of you, just saying," I sighed. "Why do you even care?"

"I don't know."

My frustration started to boil over again. Edward acted like he was better for me, but he was too stuck in his head to show me.

"You told me not to wait for you," I said, unable to hold it in anymore. "And I know you didn't wait for me, so… stop with this. It's just making things hard."

A couple of people pulled up and walked inside, muttering "hello" as they passed. I wondered how we looked to them, if the energy between us seemed tense or intimate.

I stretched my legs out straight, knotting my hair into a bun.

But Edward gave it a sharp tug, releasing my hair. "It's longer than it used to be."

I nodded.

"I like it."

"I'm glad."

"I guess maybe we should be friends," Edward said suddenly.

Startled, I looked at him again. He was acting crazy with all of his back and forth bull.

He wound his hand deeper into my hair, his eyes meeting mine. "I want you in any capacity."

* * *

i love you guys. thanks for the candidness and love and sometimes frustration. i will try to get to every review this time. they mean so much to me.

**songs:**

**No One's Gonna Love You - Band of Horses (you called it, annie)**

**The Sweetest Thing - U2**

**Let You Down - Dave Matthews Band**


	17. The Walk

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thank you for cleaning things up, Nic. you're the bee's knees._

* * *

The door behind us opened, and Alice stepped out. She paused, her hands in her pockets, looking at Edward and then me.

"What's up?" she asked softly, and I knew she might be trying to prevent me from doing something I'd regret later.

She didn't have to worry though. For one, cheating on Garrett was never something I'd wanted to do. And then there was Edward, who made me feel as crazy as he ever had. If and when I was free to do so, there needed to be a discourse before I went down that road with him.

Even though I wanted to. I was better at pretending these days, but I wanted him in any capacity, too.

"Nothing," I replied. Edward's hand loosened from my hair. "How's… Jasper?"

Alice's eyes narrowed, and she smirked at my non-smooth attempts to divert attention from the obvious.

"He's fine. Coming back for Thanksgiving," she said finally. "I think I might have to go see him before then, though. "

"Thanksgiving's in three weeks," I teased, but I knew how she felt. As much as Jasper and Alice road-tripped it to see one another, it was never enough. I'd felt that way about Garrett, once, too.

"That's nearly a month," she sighed.

"Long distance sucks," Edward said, standing. "What are you gonna do next year?"

Alice shrugged, studying her nails. The streetlights made her already dark hair look blue-black. "The University of Georgia's got a really good dance program." She looked at me, almost shyly. "I've already applied."

I knew she'd been looking into various schools in the southeast, especially those with dance programs, so I wasn't at all surprised she'd focus on Georgia. It was more than possible to focus on her goals and passions while ensuring she'd be close to Jasper. I wouldn't want to choose f I didn't have to, either.

"That's great, Alice," I said, getting to my feet. "And, you'll still be sort of close to me. Kind of."

She laughed at that. "We'll figure it out…"

The quiet lilt of our conversation was interrupted by the front door opening again. Jake, Emmett and Rose all spilled out, talking loudly.

"You ready to go, Bella?" Rose asked. It occurred to me that she and Alice probably had a kind of tag team deal going on to make sure I wasn't in an uncomfortable situation with Edward.

I'd been so weak around him before. My own friends didn't even trust me.

I couldn't hate, though. I was ready to go, and I told Rose as much.

We wandered to the driveway, Edward and I straggling toward the back of the group.

He tugged at my back pocket, slowing me down. "I wish you'd talk to me."

My heart fluttered. Confused by my conflicted feelings, I hesitated. "I…want to talk to you."

"Can I come over later?"

I stopped short, giving him a look. "To my house?"

He smiled crookedly. "To your window."

"No," I said, laughing in spite of myself. "That's not happening."

"You used to like it," he said, smiling wider.

"I used to _love_ it," I said, shaking my head. "But no. I'll be around, Edward. Just call me or something."

He didn't say anything, and I tried not to act like I was waiting for him to as I walked away.

* * *

I woke up early, after hardly sleeping at all.

My mind had kept me in and out of consciousness, weighing me down with the decision I knew I need to make. I didn't want to make it, but I couldn't keep on living this way either. I felt like a liar, a cheat, a hypocrite, a weakling – every single day.

I was tired of whining and venting to Alice and Rose, and even my mother, who had finally broken through my bull when I'd come in from Jake's the night before and asked what was _really_ going on with Garrett.

She was disappointed when I told her, but more because she wanted to see me in a healthy relationship, not because she loved Garrett. And she did love Garrett; she'd grown as close to him over the years as I had to his mom.

But she'd reminded me that I was young, and that forcing stuff like this was like trying to get a square peg through a round hole.

In the end, I knew there was a huge chasm between staying with someone out of love and staying with them out of habit. I couldn't be that person anymore, no matter much I cared for Garrett.

In fact, it was _because_ I cared for him I needed to see him and tell him what I felt.

* * *

It was still hot, so much so that the air was shimmering above the asphalt.

I was wearing shorts and flip flops. In autumn.

Entering the bookstore, I breathed a sigh of relief, grateful for the a/c.

I usually didn't work on Fridays, but when my coworker Maggie had asked if I could switch with her – offering me a rare Saturday off – I'd jumped at the chance. We were on a rotating schedule so that no one got stuck working every weekend, but it still sucked to be inside when your friends were at the beach.

A couple of hours in to my shift, my phone rang.

It really wasn't too cool to get calls at work, but it was Garrett, so I ducked outside. We'd been playing phone tag the night before, and I needed to talk to him.

"Hey," I said, squinting in the too-bright.

"Hey, you," he said. "What's up?"

"Nothing… I'm at work…"

"Oh. Shit, I wouldn't have called –"

"No, it's okay. I switched with someone so I could have tomorrow off."

He stayed silent, and I shifted uncomfortably, already starting to sweat. "What's up?"

"I know I was supposed to come up tomorrow…"

Irritation singed through me, exasperated by the heat.

"…but I realized I'd just have to come back early, because –"

"I'll just come down," I interrupted. A trio of customers walked in to the store, making me anxious to end the call. "Okay? I'll call you later."

"Oh. Okay… sorry, baby. I'm just swamped right now. Maybe you could stay over? Until Sunday?"

"Maybe," I said, looking through the glass to make sure no one had approached the counter inside. "I… need to see you, anyway."

"Me too," he said. "Miss you."

"Me too," I said. My stomach hurt. "I'd better go. I'll call you when I leave tomorrow, okay?"

"Yeah, okay. Love you."

"Me too," I said again, feeling a little guilty that I was being short with him.

I did love him. I just wasn't _in_ love anymore. He probably wasn't that in love with me anymore, either. I told myself this over and over, trying to ease the anxiety swirling in my stomach. Pocketing my phone, I went back inside.

My manager, Makenna, was at the counter. She squinted at the computer screen, chewing viciously on her pen. She was trying to quit smoking, hence the oral fixation. Or so she said.

"Bella, did you do a special order yesterday? For _Stitch N' Bitch Superstar Knitting_?"

"Can't say that I did." I smiled, shaking my head. "Maggie, maybe. She was up front more than I was."

"Well, the customer called today and said she found it online. Cheaper." Makenna rolled her eyes. "Obviously, you know? I would've gone online first."

I nodded, joining her behind the counter.

"Anyway, I don't see the order," she continued.

"Want me to call Maggie?"

"Nah, I'll do it." She smiled briefly at me. "You okay?"

"Yep." I took a drink of water from the bottle I kept behind the counter. "It's just really hot outside."

"Ugh, I know," Makenna said, still clicking around on the computer. "So, how's Garrett?"

My chest tightened momentarily. "Okay. I'm going to drive down tomorrow to see him."

"That's sweet," she said, patting my arm absently before walking away. "Have fun."

Fun wasn't really what I had in mind, but it was a nice thought.

I tugged at my tank top, which was all wilted and wrinkled due to the humidity.

When I looked up Edward was standing on the other side of the counter. He must have just come from work, because he had an old t-shirt and a baseball cap on. His cheeks were tinged pink from the sun.

"Whose birthday is it this time?" I teased, tilting my head.

He smiled, leaning on the counter. "Didn't you just have one?"

I rolled my eyes. "Like, two months ago. Nice try, though."

"When do you get off work?" he asked.

"Eleven," I said, plucking up several stray paperclips and putting them into their jar. "I'm closing tonight."

"Wow. Late."

"I know," I said. "I'm covering for someone; usually I don't work Fridays, not this shift."

Edward shifted, taking his hat off. "Do you need a ride home?"

I shook my head. "I drove. Thanks, though."

"You have a truck now, huh?"

"Got it for my sixteenth birthday," I said, glancing out at the parking lot.

"But you don't always drive."

"No point." I shrugged. "I'm usually with Alice or Rose, so it's easier to just ride together."

"Makes sense."

There were flyers for an upcoming book signing on the counter, and he pulled one toward him, reading it. I studied him for a minute. His eyelashes were so long. A long time ago, they'd tickled against my cheek sometimes when he'd kiss me.

I missed him.

He looked up suddenly. I expected him to smirk, or smile, or make some smug remark, but he didn't.

"You're getting your color back," I practically whispered.

He nodded, touching a hand to his cheek. "Got a little burned today."

"You should put something on it," I said. It wasn't that bad, though.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked instead, making my stomach flip.

I looked down at the counter. "Driving down south, to see Garrett."

Edward was silent for a second. "That's good."

I smiled wryly at him. "Oh, yeah?"

"Isn't it?"

"Mhm."

"Come out tonight," he said.

"Where've you been all week?" I asked abruptly.

"Working," he said. I could hear the amusement in his voice. "I don't go out that much, you know."

"Why not?"

"Construction's tiring. Most the time I just want to eat, take a shower and go to bed."

"Exciting," I said, giving him a small smile. "Are you… staying at home still?"

"Remember the garage apartment?"

I nodded.

"Yeah. That's where I live now. No point in going and finding a place when I'm just going to college next year."

The thought of him leaving again made my heart feel heavy. I liked having him in my life.

In any capacity.

"Where will you go?"

"For college?"

"Yeah."

He ran his fingers through his hair and put the hat back on. "I don't know; where are you going?"

I pretended his question didn't make me all stupid inside. "Probably USF or something. I like Tampa."

"What'll you study?"

"I'm undecided." I looked up at him. "You still want to study law?"

Edward smiled. "I can't believe you remember that."

"I remember a lot of things about you."

His smile faded, and I felt my face warm at my admission.

"I'm still gonna study law, but I can take whatever I want for my bachelor's. Political science or whatever."

An older woman got in line behind him.

"I gotta help this person," I said, motioning Edward aside. He pushed back from the counter and walked away, his hands in his pockets as he wandered around.

I greeted my customer, trying to ignore how frigging good he looked in dirty Dickies.

"I got this coupon in my email," the lady was saying, waving a small piece of paper in front of me.

"Oh, no problem," I said, holding my hand out for the coupon.

Ten minutes later, I was still dealing with her. She had questions, and coupons, and more questions. Edward finally waved from behind her, trying to get my attention.

"I'll call you later," he mouthed.

I nodded, waving back.

* * *

Makenna and I had just closed the store and were locking the doors behind us.

"Your boyfriend's back," she said, elbowing me.

I looked up, expecting to see Garrett – which made no sense, because he was supposed to be in Miami.

But it was Edward was coming toward us.

"That's not –"

"I know," she laughed. "Sure looked like it earlier, though."

I cringed, knowing she'd been watching Edward and I talk at the counter earlier.

"You okay here? Want me to wait?" she asked.

"No, I'm fine. Thanks, Makenna."

She smiled and walked briskly away, her shoes clacking against the pavement.

"What are you doing here?" I asked Edward, balancing my bag in one hand and a cup of iced tea in the other.

"It's late, Bella. I didn't want you walking to your car alone."

I bit my lip, touched that he'd come back like that. "You didn't have to do that, but thanks. I appreciate it."

He fell into step with me as we walked to my truck. "Heading home now?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Come out for awhile; there's supposed to be a meteor shower tonight."

"Really?" I paused at my door so I could fish my keys from my purse.

"No."

I tossed my stuff inside the cab, chuckling. "I need to go home, take a shower, all that. I'm gross right now."

"I can wait."

His persistence floored me. He'd never, _never_ been this interested in the past. "What is it, Edward?"

He folded his arms. "What's what?"

"Why are you so…focused on hanging out with me? I doubt you have a hard time finding girls to go out with," I said, keeping my tone light.

"I don't," he said.

Ugh. I didn't like thinking about that. "So… you do… hook up, then."

He gazed at me, shaking his head. "Am I supposed to sit at home and wait for you?" he asked softly.

"Of course not," I said quickly. "I just – I mean, you said earlier you don't go out much…"

"I don't. I go out _sometimes_."

Of course I wondered if that meant he was sleeping around, but seeing as that was technically none of my business, I kept my mouth shut.

"I'd rather go out with you, though."

My heart sort of fell out. I sat back on the driver's seat, feeling prickly and hot.

"What if I don't want to go out with you?" I asked, staring at the collar of his t-shirt.

He braced his arm against the frame of my truck, leaning closer. "Don't you?"

"You know I can't right now," I said, almost pleading.

"Right now," he echoed.

"I gotta go," I said, twisting in the seat so I was facing front.

"So you won't come out," he sighed.

I drummed my fingers on the steering wheel, thinking. If I was honest with myself, I did want to spend time with him. It could be good, just hanging out as friends.

"Just give me a half hour," I said, giving in.

"I'll pick you up," he said, closing my door.

I waited until he got into his car, and then I left.

All the way home I questioned myself. What was I doing? This felt so illicit, somehow. It was late; my parents would wonder why I was leaving the house at almost-midnight. My friends didn't know I planned on goofing off with Edward at all hours.

Garrett sure as hell didn't know.

I sped home, hoping my parents were in bed. My mom probably would be; Dad was more than likely watching TV in the living room if he was off work.

Sure enough, he was on the couch when I let myself in. He was dozing though, snoring intermittently.

I locked the front door quietly and went to my parent's bedroom.

"Mom?"

She looked up from her pillow, yawning.

"I'm home, okay? Gonna shower and go to bed."

"You hungry, sweetheart? I have meatloaf –"

"No, I'm okay. Go back to sleep. Love you."

"Love you, too," she said, lying back down.

I closed the door and went to my room, feeling like I was regressing back a couple of years. What was it about Edward that guaranteed shenanigans?

After a quick shower, I pulled on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. I realized I didn't have Edward's number, but it didn't matter because a text came though. I didn't recognize the number.

_You coming out the window?_

I sighed as I messaged back. _Yeah._

I saved his number to my phone, and decided at the last minute not to lock my door. If anyone checked on me, well, I'd just tell them the truth later.

Edward was at the end of the street, where he'd always been.

"Just like old times," he teased when I got in. "Would your parents really keep you in, still?"

"No." I shook my head. "But they'd have a bunch of questions, and I don't feel like dealing with that right now."

He nodded, rolling down the windows a bit so the breeze could blow through.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"We could go back to my place," he offered, scrolling through his iPod as we idled at a stop sign.

That sounded a little too cozy.

"Maybe we could just drive?" I asked, clasping my hands on my lap.

He settled on a song and started driving again. "How about a diner?"

I was hungry, actually. "That sounds good."

We drove until we found a Denny's on US1. The parking lot was about half-full, and I suspected it would only get busier as the night wore on.

The hostess inside seated us at a booth in the corner. I glanced through the menu, even though I had a good idea of what I wanted. Mostly I just peeked at Edward. He was looking at his menu, too, but every once in a while he'd look up at me.

After a minute he smiled, putting down the menu.

"What?"

He shook his head. "You're funny."

I snorted. "_You're_ funny."

He raised his eyebrows.

The waitress came over to take our orders. Once she'd left, I leaned forward, determined to be the one doing the questioning this time.

"So, what was military school like?"

He blinked, settling back into his seat. "It was…okay. I got used to it."

"Tell me; I want to hear," I urged. "What school did you go to?"

"New York Military Academy. It's not that far upstate, actually." He paused, looking down at the table. "I was still pretty pissed when I got there. I mean, I spent the summer with my uncle, but… actually stepping foot on campus just made it feel real, you know? I hated it. The classes were intense, it was cold all the time, and my teachers were dicks."

"Was it pretty, at least? The campus? I bet fall was nice…"

He grinned. "Yeah, the buildings are pretty. It's old, you know? Formal. Anyway, at first I didn't even want to talk to my mom…or my dad, really. But then they came up with Katie for Thanksgiving and I just… I missed them."

"Did you ask them to come back?"

"Of course I did," he said, looking at me like I was crazy. "But, they said 'no'. "

Our server returned with our sodas, promising the food would be right out.

"I missed you a lot right around then," I said softly, looking out the window at the parking lot.

"Yeah, I missed you too," he admitted.

"You just missed being around girls," I laughed.

"It was co-ed," he said, smiling.

"Oh!" I hadn't imagined that. Suddenly things looked a lot different in my imagination.

"Didn't matter though; everyone was so serious and…covered up."

"Ha, unlike Florida," I snorted.

"Definitely unlike Florida."

"Did you still play soccer?"

"Yeah. I got into cross country too."

"Wow," I said, sipping my Coke. "That's intense. It's a good thing you weren't smoking."

"I was smoking," he said.

I frowned. "I thought it was all strict?"

"It was, but, honestly… it was easier to get weed there than it is here. The good stuff too; we were only sixty miles away from New York City."

"And here I was feeling bad for you," I said dryly. "So what made you stop?"

"Smoking?"

"Yeah."

He shrugged. "Got over it, I guess. More trouble than it's worth."

It certainly was.

"Did you… date?" I asked.

"I mean… yeah. I didn't stay mad. After a while, boarding school was my life, you get used to it. I made friends – people I still talk to, actually – and yeah. There were girls."

I nodded. That made sense.

"Why?" he asked, after a minute.

"Just curious."

He watched me closely.

"Is that why we stopped talking?" I asked. "You said it was easier… Is that why?"

"I just didn't think it was fair, or realistic, for us to be all tied to each other when I couldn't even come see you. That's depressing, Bella. What did you want me to do?"

He wasn't angry when he said this, or mean, but I could tell he was a little frustrated.

"I don't know," I admitted. "I guess it just hurt at the time. Even though I thought I understood."

"It hurt me, too."

"You were always so sure of everything," I argued. "I knew you were upset when you had to leave, but it's like… you're so good at just skimming the surface."

"Do you feel like that's what I did with you?"

"I know that's what you did."

"I'm sorry," he said, grabbing my hand. I tried to pull away, not because I was angry, but because him touching me like that hit on feelings too close to home. "Really. I didn't mean to make you feel like that."

"That's the thing," I said, laughing humorlessly. "I didn't even mind at the time. I was so… caught up in you, it didn't even matter. You always had the upper hand. When you left, I thought I was going to fall apart. Now, looking back, it's probably good we were forced to stop seeing each other."

"Why?"

We gazed at each other, and I knew he knew what I was going to say.

"Because it would have ended really badly, and instead of caring about you right now I might hate you."

"Wow," he said softly. He squeezed my fingers and then let go, allowing me to pull my hand back across the table.

Our food came, and for a couple of minutes we were quiet. It was a welcome respite from the conversation. I needed to say things, and I needed to hear him out as well, but already there was a lot to digest.

"I thought we had a pretty good thing," he said eventually. He was almost done with his Grand Slam. I was struggling through mine.

"We had a great thing," I corrected, giving him a small smile. "It never had the chance to fall apart, which is why we can look back on it so fondly."

"Such wisdom," he said, sliding his leg against mine underneath the table.

"Shut up," I sighed, stuffing sausage into my mouth.

"So. You and Garrett."

I rolled my eyes. "Back to this?"

"How come you get to interrogate me, but when I ask you stuff you get all defensive?"

"Because," I said, putting my fork down. "You ask me stuff about my relationship… and it's obvious you hate Garrett –"

"I don't hate him."

"Well, whatever. That would be like me asking you…so. Any serious relationships up there in New York?"

"One."

Ouch. Didn't expect that. "What's her name?"

"Tia."

Even her name bothered me. "Did you go to prom with her?"

"We went to a winter formal," he said, looking at me suspiciously. "Why?"

I shrugged, keeping my eyes on my eggs.

"Did… Emmett tell you something?"

"I saw it on your Facebook," I said, taking a huge bite of pancake.

"Oh."

I looked at him. He seemed confused.

"Are you still together?" I asked.

"I wouldn't be dating other people if I was."

"You've matured," I remarked. I put my fork down and pushed my plate away, full.

"You have such a great opinion of me," he said, giving me a look.

I bit my lip, almost feeling bad. "I do, actually. I always have, even when I was too starry eyed to see straight."

He grabbed my hand again, and then let go. "Sticky."

"Syrup." I slid out of the booth. "I should go wash my hands."

After using the bathroom, I made my way back to the table. Edward was reading something – the check, probably – completely unaware of the trio of girls checking him out a table over. I didn't blame them. I knew just how they felt.

"So why'd you break up?" I asked, sitting.

He looked up, startled. "Uh, long distance doesn't work. She wanted me to stick around, and I wanted to come home."

"So this was really recent."

"Kind of. I mean, we broke up at the end of the school year, but I saw her over the summer a couple of times."

"Did you love her?"

He reached for his wallet, sliding a card out to pay. "Not enough to stay."

Even though he was talking about Tia, I thought about Garrett. When he'd first told me he was going to England for the semester, I'd been supportive, although sad. Looking back, though, I wondered if it was just easier for us both because we simply didn't love each other enough. Was that an idealistic, even naïve, sentiment? Was it fair to stay or to follow someone because you loved them? In the end, what was more important?

The food in my belly suddenly felt too heavy.

"I don't have any cash," I said. "But I can get you back tomorrow."

"Thanks, but no thanks," he said, smiling.

"I'll pay next time."

"I'm glad you realize there'll be a next time."

I punched his arm, annoyed I'd painted myself into a corner with that one.

He stood up and hauled me out of my seat, throwing his arm around me. "Come on."

Edward pulled up to the same spot he'd picked me up from a couple of hours earlier.

"Thanks for the talk," I said, unbuckling my seatbelt. "And for feeding me."'

He grinned. "Anytime."

It was late, and I was really tired, but it felt really good to just sit there with him, not talking. I realized that we still had a good connection, that beyond the past and the present and the weird, confused feelings, I still loved being near him.

The song that was playing came to an end. I really liked it; I'd never heard it before, but it sounded a lot sweeter than anything I'd ever heard Edward play before.

"I like this," I said, gesturing toward the radio.

"It reminds me of you, actually."

A shudder ran through me, the delicious kind.

Nodding, I opened the car door. "See you."

I was almost to my window when I heard his hushed footfalls on the grass behind me. I pretended not to notice, unsure as to why he was following me. I didn't want him to ask to come in, and I didn't want to turn him down if he did.

The night was at its darkest, and we were in the shadows of the tree by my room.

Heart skipping nervously, I started to push the window up.

He reached around me and finished the job, his body pressed lightly against mine as he silently slid it up all the way up.

"Thanks," I whispered, waiting for him to give me some room to step back so I could climb inside.

He must have stepped back, because I felt cold where I'd felt warm. I hoisted myself up clumsily, managing to get into my room in one go. Edward was already gone.

* * *

After a long shower and a piece of toast for breakfast, I hit the road – a lot earlier than I'd anticipated. Garrett was usually up early because of swimming, so I called him around eight. He was surprised I was already on my way, too, but he sounded glad.

I wished he didn't care.

The drive to Miami was uneventful. Traffic was, ironically, light for once. No nightmarish traffic jams; no putting off the task at hand, I supposed. It was like the universe was shoving me along, hurrying me toward the inevitable. Because I'd only made the drive myself a few times, I still needed MapQuest to actually get me to Garrett's off-campus apartment.

My phone rang.

"Hey."

"Hey… you close?"

"I just parked," I said, turning the radio off. "You're upstairs, right?"

"Yep. Come on up."

"'Kay; see you in a minute."

I tossed my phone into my purse and got out of the truck.

Garrett met me at the door, wearing nothing but sweatpants. He looked good, like always, and my heart squeezed.

He hugged me tight, smelling like soap and chlorine. I loved that smell.

"I'm so glad you could come down. I know you hate that drive."

I shrugged, smiling faintly. "It's okay. I needed to see you."

He nodded, stepping back so I could come in all the way. "You hungry? I'm just making myself a sandwich."

Garrett ate like a horse, one of the benefits of constant cardio.

"I'm okay," I said. My stomach was already in knots. I'd been so unsure for so long, and yet I'd finally come to a decision inside.

So why did it feel so weird, so wrong?

I sat on the couch and tried to relax, listening to Garrett move around his kitchen and talk about whatever.

"You okay?" he asked, appearing suddenly. He plopped down next to me, taking a bite of his sandwich. It looked like peanut butter and jelly. A rush of affection surged through me, and I swallowed, looking at my lap.

"No," I choked out, already too close to crying like an idiot.

I heard the plate being placed on the table. He came closer, rubbing his thumb along my cheek. "What happened?"

I forced myself to look at him. "Things are different than they used to be."

His face fell. He sagged back against the couch. "I… know."

"I feel like… we're trying so hard but it's never enough. I feel like I don't even know you anymore…and you hardly know me, and I know it's not your fault… I still love you… but –"

"You still love me," he repeated, his voice sounding empty. I'd been rambling, but he knew. Maybe he knew me better than I gave him credit for.

"I think we should take a break," I said, breathing evenly though my nose.

_Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry._

I stared at him, willing him to look at me, but when he did I almost couldn't take it. There wasn't pain in his eyes, there was defeat.

"A break or a break up?" he asked, taking a deep breath.

I shook my head, unsure of what to say.

"Is this why you came down here? To break up with me, Bella?"

The tears came. I couldn't even stop them. I covered my face and sobbed hard, ugly, glad he didn't try to hold me or touch me.

"You can't tell me things have felt right," I gasped after a moment, trying in vain to get control over myself. "We're nothing like what we used to be. I missed you all the time, missed you until it was just… nothing. I love you, but it's not the same."

He was quiet for a long time. I rooted around my purse, relieved when I found a napkin at the bottom so I could wipe my face and blow my nose.

When I looked at him, he was staring at the wall.

"Are you mad?" I whispered. Usually I could read him pretty well, but at the moment he was closed off.

He shook his head, sitting forward. "I thought about… maybe… I don't know. Maybe taking a break when I was away, you know? To take the pressure off. I didn't want you to… resent me. I'm too late, obviously."

"No," I said, but he was right. It was too late.

"Yeah. I'm not going to say I was ready for this, because I'm not. But… I don't know." He scrubbed his hand roughly over his face. "I don't want to lose you, and I feel like an asshole because I already have."

"I thought we were just strong. I thought I was okay with all the time apart because we were strong, but… I realized it's because we've lost whatever it was that made us good together," I said, wanting him to understand. "I hate this, but it's has been eating at me for months…"

"Months? Why didn't you say anything?" Garrett groaned. Now there was pain in his eyes, and all over his face.

"I thought it would change. I hoped." My heart felt like it was imploding. "You haven't felt like things were falling apart?"

"I knew they were changing, but I thought it was because I was so busy all the time. If I'd known, I'd have…"

"What, tried harder?" I wiped my nose again. "I don't think it works like that. And anyway, it's not just you."

We sat in silence for awhile. I felt horrible. The weight that had been lifted now that I was finally telling Garrett how I felt, was quickly being replaced by the guilt of hurting him, of being the one to end one of the best things that had ever happened to me.

His phone rang, but he ignored it. The shrill rings jangled my nerves.

"So… that's it, then," he said, turning toward me. He took my hand in his. "I miss you already. I'd rather have you but not be with you than be with you and not have you."

"I know," I whispered.

"I'm really not ready for this," he said, coming closer. He kissed me gently and then let go altogether. "You don't have to go…"

"I should," I said, not wanting to prolong it. There was no way we were going to feel comfortable around each other. It would probably be that way for awhile. Already I mourned the loss of our friendship, the casualty of our romance eroding.

"I hate that you drove down here for this," he said as we stood up.

He hugged me, and I wrapped my arms around him. We stayed that way for a long time. I ran my hands over his back, knowing we'd never be that way again.

I let go first. Garrett ran his thumb beneath my eye, catching the new tears. His eyes were wet, too.

I shuddered with the need to cry.

"Bye," I said, kissing his cheek before turning away.

"Bye, Bella. Call me when you get home so I know you're okay," he said, walking me to the door. "I don't even want you driving like this."

"I'll be okay,"I promised. "I'll call."

He nodded, running his hand down my arm.

I left quickly, then, wanting to be alone in my truck. Every time I blinked or let my mind wander I saw Garrett's face. I saw him as he' d just looked, but I also saw him the way I had for the past two years, beautiful and in love with me.

I knew that breaking up with him would hurt. I just hadn't known how badly.

* * *

so, i managed to respond to i think... maybe 70% of the reviews last time. thanks so much, guys. i appreciate hearing from you, so so much. xoxo

**songs:**

**The Walk - Imogen Heap**

**Hyperballad - Bjork**

**If You're Wondering If I Want You To (I Want You To) - Weezer (thanks, angelanna)**

**Your Hand In Mine (Goodbye) - Explosions in the Sky**


	18. Blue Light

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thank you for the beta work, nic. you make every tuesday feel like Christmas._

_this song, this chapter title, really means something. it's significant. if you're into that sort of thing._

* * *

By the time signs for my exit began appearing, I'd calmed down to a degree. The tears had stopped for the most part – that was one good thing about the long drive back – but I still felt raw and achy inside. I'd continue to have rough moments, I knew that, but for the time being I was emotionally exhausted.

I got off of 95 and reached into the cup holder, where I usually kept my phone while driving.

Garrett's number was on speed dial.

It took him a minute to answer; I was sure his voice mail was about to pick up.

"Hello?"

"Hey, It's me. I'm back home," I said, slowing down for a light.

"Okay."

There was nothing else to say. "I... I'll talk to you later," I said lamely.

"I'll call you," he said. I wondered if he meant he'd really call, or if he was telling me not to.

I wasn't sure I would, anyway.

"All right," I said. My throat was starting to close again. I was sick of crying.

"Love you," he said, and hung up before I could respond.

I wondered if he'd realized what he'd just said, if he'd even meant to say it. If it had been uttered from habit, or if he'd said it on purpose.

Traffic began moving again. My heart beat slowly, purposefully. I released my foot from the brake and glided blindly along, feeling free in the worst way, like I had nothing to keep me grounded.

It wasn't that I needed Garrett, although the bond was still there. It wasn't even that I needed a man in my life. It was weird, though, to be alone after having had someone for so long.

I drove aimlessly for a while, stopping when other cars stopped and going when they did.

Alice had gone to visit Jasper, as she'd said she probably would, but Rose would be home. Maybe we could spend the day by the pool. I just wanted to turn my brain – and my feelings – off for a while. She was on speed dial, too.

"Bella?"

"Hey, Rose. Can I come over?"

"Yeah...okay. I thought you were in Miami."

I paused and glanced out the window, absently touching my fingers to my face. It was sticky in places, the skin stiff from dried tears.

"I was. I'm back now. Anyway, I'll be there in like, twenty minutes. You need anything?"

"No... yes. Hot chocolate from Dunkin' Donuts."

I smiled, imagining Rose in her pj's, jonesing for sugar. "Okay. Bye."

"Bye."

I set off toward the nearest D&D with sense of purpose, glad I wasn't going home. I wasn't in the mood to be alone, especially not after having had the past two hours to go over every nuance of every word Garrett and I had shared. Every once in a while a shard pf panic would slice its way though me and I'd have to remind myself that I'd done the right thing, the _only_ thing.

* * *

Midday sunlight shone through the window across the room, muted to a soft buttery yellow by way of Rose's filmy white curtains.

She packed a bowl and offered it to me. "You need it more than me."

I hadn't told her yet, but, she knew me. She knew my faces, my moods, my silences.

"I'm not smoking by myself."

"Obviously, Bella. What kind of friend would I be then?"

I smiled and accepted the little glass pipe. Two pulls were more than enough for me; I was a light weight these days. "You're always smoking me out when I'm miserable," I said, waving my hand through the pungent puff.

"Yeah. It's been a while... consider yourself lucky," Rose remarked, taking the pipe.

Heartache plus Rose's ridiculously potent weed did not a sharp Bella make. "Huh?"

"It's been a while since I've seen you this way. I mean, even when Garrett started commuting or whatever, you were okay after a minute."

"This is different," I said. "I knew I'd see him again. We're done."

Rose barely reacted. She put exchanged her pipe for the hot chocolate I'd brought her, regarding me over top of the cup. "For real?"

Her carpet was so cushy and soft. Sort of like being high. I basked in it for a second, thinking randomly of Mrs. Randall in ninth grade health. She'd always been a little hysterical about pot and its pitfalls, and how using it could turn you into a crackhead or at the very least a burn out unable to cope with life.

"Bella."

I lifted my head. "Hm?"

"Garrett? What happened?"

Right. The dwindling ache pulsed back, though not as acutely as before. "We broke up," I said, sitting up. "That's why I drove down there today."

Rose's eyes softened. She set down her cup and frowned. "Oh, my God. Are you okay?"

I shrugged. "I will be."

"Don't act all whatever," she said, watching me.

"I'm not. I just... I've been crying all day, what do you want me to say about it?" I said, my voice wavering even then.

Rose crept closer, rubbing her hand along my back. She stayed quiet, allowing me time to talk.

And I did need to talk.

"You know I've been feeling weird..."

She nodded.

"It was time. I couldn't keep on hoping things were going to change... you know? I realize now how dumb that is. To hope and hope, but not actually _do_ anything. It's like I was frozen... I didn't know what was worse – being with him but losing the connection, or just... calling it like it was and severing the connection altogether."

"I think you did the right thing," Rose said after a moment. "I really, really like Garrett... I've always thought you guys were amazing together but... I don't know. It's obvious things were different lately..."

"But, like, maybe I just... maybe that's what relationships are, though. You know? I can't bow out every time things get hard."

"No, you can't – but there's a huge difference between fighting for something you actually believe in, and then struggling to hold on to something that's already gone. And I don't think it's this quantifiable thing, either – you just know."

"Like with Emmett?"I asked, looking up at her.

She nodded slowly, a small smile playing at her lips. "Even when we weren't together, or all the times he pissed me off... I _knew_. I never wanted to sever that connection." She hooked her fingers into air quotes to emphasize her point. "Ever. I'd think about it for a second, and I'd feel sick."

I nodded. There had been a time when just the thought of breaking up with Garrett had seemed like the most dismal prospect ever. I couldn't imagine my future without him.

But then, one day I could. And not only could I imagine it, it seemed inevitable.

Rose was right, though. _I'd_ been right, in ending things with Garrett. I knew that; it was just taking my heart a minute to catch up with my head.

"Sometimes I feel guilty... this whole Edward thing..."

"What do you mean?"

"We've talked about this," I said, sighing. "I was having doubts about Garrett for awhile but then Edward showed up and it completely frigged with me..."

"I see what you're saying, but honestly, if you'd still felt the way you used to for Garrett, no amount of attraction to Edward would be enough to pull you away." She grasped my hand, squeezing it as she made her point. "You and Garrett were inseparable for a long time... I don't care what you and Edward were into back in the day, it's never been as serious and committed as what you and Garrett had."

"I don't know if that makes me feel better or worse," I admitted, laughing a little as a tear dripped down my face.

"It is what it is," Rose said gently, letting go of my hand. "Although, you and Garrett were almost sickeningly perfect for awhile there... I was almost envious."

"I actually thought…at one point…that he was the one." I bit my lip. "That's so naïve."

"So what?" Rose took another sip of hot chocolate. "Nothing wrong with being a little naïve. It's better than being salty and pessimistic."

I grinned at her attempts to make me feel better. It was working.

"So anyway, what did he say?" Rose asked, packing her pipe again.

"He was upset, but he didn't seem all that surprised. I think he's felt it too, in a way, but his life is a lot more fast paced than mine, you know? He's in all these crazy classes, so he's always studying. He trains and competes, he's getting ready to study abroad..."

I shook my head. Listing all of Garrett's current pursuits really put them in perspective.

"I don't know how we thought we'd survive it."

"You don't know till you're in the position," Rose said sagely, exhaling. "I mean, how could you?"

I shrugged, picking at a smear of red nail polish in the otherwise immaculate carpeting.

"White carpet is really impractical," I said, sighing.

"Everything worthwhile is impractical," Rose shot back. "Even relationships."

I thought about that, and then realized how ridiculous what she'd just said, was. "What?" I laughed.

"Haha," Rose said, pointing at me. "You really think I'd say some shit like that?"

"Stupid," I whispered, smiling.

"Yeah, it is. It's kind of true though."

"Mkay, Stoney McStonerson. We'll have to submit that one to Jack Handy's 'Deep Thoughts'."

"We should watch old SNL on YouTube," mused Rose. Her eyes flickered back to me, and she held out the pipe. "More?"

I shook my head. "I need sun. Let's go swimming."

* * *

By the time I got home that night, I was beyond tired. Skipping a shower was tempting, since I was technically _clean_, but smelling like chlorine was kind of annoying. It was bad for my hair and, it reminded me of Garrett.

"Bella?" My mother called out, hearing the front door close.

"Yeah," I called back, following her voice to the kitchen. She was sitting at the table, her laptop in front of her. "Hi."

"Hi," she said, looking pointedly at the clock above the stove. "It's nearly eight. Is your phone turned off?"

It wasn't, but it had been in my bag all day while I'd floated around the pool with Rose.

"Oh, sorry," I said, locating my phone. Sure enough,it was blinking with several missed calls and texts.

"You're supposed to call when you drive to see Garrett," she continued, but the reproach was gone from her voice. She narrowed her eyes, and for a second I feared she was noticing the red in mine.

_I'll just blame it on the pool water..._

"I know... sorry," I said, sitting down across from her. "it's been a weird day."

"What happened?" she asked, turning her attention back to the screen.

"I broke up with Garrett," I said. Strangely, the anguish I thought I'd feel – again – didn't descend. Either I was still comatose from smoking with Rose hours before, or I was all cried out. Or maybe I was a heartless -

"Oh, Bella," Mom said, looking sadly at me. "Did you two have a fight?"

I shook my head. "I knew I was going to do it when I went down there."

"What happened?"

"Just... you know. What I talked to you about the other day. It wasn't fair for me to have all these doubts and crap, and to always be telling you or my friends... I needed to tell him. And, I have told him, kind of, but today was the day. I knew if I didn't do it now it was just going to be worse when I did it later."

She nodded. "How did he take it?"

"He was upset, but he wasn't that surprised. I think we've both been dancing around it. He even said he'd considered asking me if I wanted to take a break while he was away."

"You seem to be... okay," she said cautiously.

I smiled, shaking my head. "I'm okay _right now_ but I wasn't earlier. I went to Rose's when I got back...that's where I've been." I stood up, finally ready to be alone. "Sorry I didn't call, Mom."

"It's okay," she said, nodding. "Well, it's not okay – don't forget next time. But I understand."

I went to her side of the table and bent down, giving her a quick hug. "I'm gonna go take a shower."

"'Kay. I'll be here if you want to talk... "

I nodded, already making my way toward my room. I doubted I'd be up for any more talking. I'd had about as much of that as I could handle for the day.

My Gmail in-box was depressingly empty. Not even a note or something from my Uncle Benji, who I could usually depend on for a crass forward or two.

I was tempted to call Garrett. Not that I had much to say – nothing that hadn't already been said – but I despised the unsettled feeling in my gut. I supposed I simply needed to get used to the fact that all was _not_ well between he and I, and no amount of chit chat (or hashing it out) was going to change that.

I didn't call him. If the situation was reversed, I wasn't sure I'd want him calling and confusing me. Or prolonging my discomfort. Or whatever.

Rose called around nine, asking if I wanted to go to the Stuart Sandbar the next day. I felt a twinge of emo, like I'd rather stay home and be all introspective and sad, but that didn't even make sense. It wasn't like I'd been dumped, even if breaking up _had_ been painful.

Anyway, according to the Weather Channel, we still had another week or so of warmth before cold fronts began rolling belatedly in. It was hard to resist the call of the beach, especially when the weather was sure to be gorgeous.

"Sounds good... you got a boat?" I asked, twirling a hair band around my big toe.

"You remember Royce, right?"

It wasn't really a question. Rose's cousin wasn't exactly easy to forget. He was generically handsome and nice enough, but he was so cheesy and egotistical it was hard to take him seriously.

He reminded me of Gaston from _Beauty and the Beast._

Or one of the guys from Jersey Shore, Florida style.

Regardless, his mother and Rose's step-father were siblings, so the two families spent a lot of time together, especially during the holidays. They lived on Jupiter Island, easily one of the wealthiest communities in the country.

"Yeah... what, he has his own boat now?"

"Got it for his twenty first birthday," Rose said.

"You're kidding me."

"Wish I was. Anyway. He's bringing it up it... or sailing it... whatever, anyway he's bringing it in the morning so, I suggested we break it in by going to the Sandbar."

That sounded fun, actually. I hadn't been to the Stuart Sandbar since junior high. It was impossible to access without a boat, and since none of us had boats, we stuck to the regular beaches.

"Yeah, okay. I'm down. What time?"

"Want me to pick you up?"

"And be waiting all day? No." I snorted. "I'll come over around ten or something."

"Okay."

I paused, chewing my thumbnail. "Um... anyone else coming?"

"Emmett said he might... I guess I'll know in the morning. He's still at school right now."

"All right. Well... call me if anything changes," I said.

"'Kay."

No sooner had we hung up, Rose called back.

"Will it be weird for you if Edward comes?"

I thought back to Friday night, to the conversation he and I'd had at Denny's. We'd cleared the air some, made progress. It felt good. Not let's-throw-caution-to-the-wind-and-get-it-on good, but less awkward at least.

It was beginning to feel good again, being around him.

"I don't think so. Just... don't be mad if I'm a little stuck in my head, Rose."

"Don't worry about it. I'll see you in the morning."

* * *

I made it to Rose's a little past ten the next day. Royce was already there, his loud, booming voice reverberating across the house.

Rose opened the door wider to let me in, rolling her eyes. "He's preparing margarita mix."

"Oh," I laughed, kicking my shoes off at the door. "Okay. We're bringing regular drinks too, right?"

"Pssh, yeah. I'm not trying to get dehydrated over there," she said, leading me further into the house. "You can help me fill the cooler."

The blender went on right as we walked into the kitchen. Edward and Emmett were sitting at the bar, amused expressions on their faces. A tall, well-endowed blonde I'd never seen before was standing beside Royce, reading the back of a can of Coco Lopez.

I was pretty sure that was for pina coladas, but hey. Who was I to judge.

"Hey, Bella," Royce roared over the high pitched whirr of the blender.

I smiled and waved, moving across the room to sit at the bar.

Emmett slid down off his stool and gave me a hug. "You okay? Hanging in there?" he asked, just loud enough for me to hear.

Stiffening, I glanced over at Rose. Had she told Emmett about me and Garrett? It certainly sounded like it. I really hoped that didn't mean she'd told Edward, too. Ugh. I knew Rose and Emmett were close, but she'd be hearing it from me later.

"I'm great," I said, forcing a smile. "How've you been?"

The blender finally went off, making it easier to converse.

Emmett shrugged. "We're going to the beach; how bad could it be?"

I chuckled and slid on to a chair. What an Emmett thing to say. He knew it too, because he winked before walking over to Rose.

"I'm surprised you came," Edward commented, leaning toward me. "I thought you'd still be down south."

I shook my head, keeping my eyes on the counter. "Came back early."

"Cool."

I nodded, smiling sideways at him.

Royce appeared beside me, stuffing me in to a cologne-y hug. "Whatcha been up to, girl?"

"I've - "

"This is Sasha," he interrupted, swinging the blonde around so that she was tucked in to his side. "Babe, this is Bella."

"Hi," Sasha said, offering her hand for a limp hand shake.

"Hi," I echoed. "Do you guys...um... go to the same college?"

"No," she said, wandering back to the opposite end of the kitchen, where Royce was now pouring batch after batch of his liquored-up margarita mix into a giant orange cooler with a spout.

"Okay," I muttered, turning back to Edward.

He shrugged, laughing lowly. "Yeah... I know."

It looked like Emmett had taken on the job of helping Rose fill another cooler with water and soda. Edward and I chatted while I made sandwiches to bring along; there was nothing worse than being stuck at the beach with nothing to eat or drink, and no way of getting any.

We set out just before noon. The sun was at its highest; white-gold and and blindingly bright. My sunglasses were hardly enough, and I wished I'd thought to borrow one of Rose's old hats.

I sat down toward the front of the boat, relishing the way the wind whipped through my hair. I hadn't been sailing or boating that many times, but it was easy to understand the appeal. The water was wide open, so endlessly blue.

Rose plopped down next to me, handing me a plastic, red cup.

I sniffed it, giving her a look. "Is this Royce's concoction?"

She nodded, peering down in to her own cup. "Yeah, but it's good. I figure if we drink early, we'll be sober by the time we go back."

That made sense. Or maybe I just wanted an excuse to get a little tipsy. I took a timid sip, bracing myself for nastiness, but Rose was right. It was yummy.

"Is it..." I paused, squinting into the cup. "Strawberry?"

"I think so," she giggled.

"Wow," I said, grinning. Royce didn't look like the strawberry type off the bat, but then again...

"So, are you okay?" she asked, shading her eyes from the sun.

I nodded, looking out over the water. The boat cut cleanly through it, leaving foamy white swells on either side.

"Talk to me if you need to," she said, poking me.

"You sound like my mom," I laughed. "Really, I'm fine. I think... I think it's good we're doing this today. I need to do things that don't revolve around... him."

"You've always been good abut that," Rose said. "You've always done your own thing. It'll come in handy now."

"I guess," I said, taking another sip. "Hey, did you tell Emmett?"

Rose nodded sheepishly. "Yeah...but I told him not to tell Edward - "

"Why?"

"Well, I thought you'd want to tell Edward yourself."

"No, why'd you tell _Emmett_?"

She scratched at her knee. "Um... I guess I was just...trying to explain why you might be sorta out of it today."

"Rose," I groaned. "What happened between me and Garrett is like... really personal. I love you, but please don't tell anyone else. Seriously. It's way too fresh."

"Sorry," she said, pouting contritely.

"It's okay," I sighed.

"Are you mad?"

"I was, a little," I admitted, trying not to smile at the dumb face she was making. "By the way, the pouting works better on Em than me. I'm pretty immune by this point."

She grinned, gulping down her margarita. "Yeah, yeah. You ready for another one?"

"I'm not even half way through this one."

"Well, I need another."

"Eat a sandwich first," I called, but she was already walking back toward the cooler.

I glanced around the boat. Royce was steering, while Sasha clung to his bronzed bicep. They reminded me of He-Man and She-Ra.

Emmett was harassing Rose, as usual, and Edward was stretched out along the opposite end of the boat. It looked like he had headphones stuck into his ears.

I turned back around and closed my eyes, grateful for the wind and the sun and the probability that it was going to be a great day.

* * *

The Sandbar was packed.

As a child, my main objectives had swimming with my little friends and eating the snacks our mothers had provided.

Well, that was still the scene – only with lots of alcohol, skimpy swim wear, and boats with sound systems.

"This is like MTV Spring Break," Rose muttered, adjusting her bikini bottoms so her butt wasn't hanging out.

"Good call, Rosie" Royce crowed. He'd cut the engine and now we were floating through, looking for an ideal place to anchor.

I got up from my spot and followed 'Rosie' to the stern so I could put my cutoffs into my backpack. Edward looked up at me, yanking his headphones from his ears..

"We there?"

"Yeah, we're _here,_" I said, smiling. He looked like a little boy who'd just woken up, which in a way, he was. My heart tugged.

"Did you bring sunblock?" Rose asked, pulling my ponytail. "I thought I did, but it's tanning oil."

"I'm sure Royce could use some of that," I snickered.

"Shh, I know!"

I found the sunblock and handed it to her. "I need it when you're done."

Edward sat up, yawning.

"Why are you so tired?" I asked. "Late night?"

"You could say that," he said, shrugging.

I wasn't even going to lie to myself anymore, that just burned.

Like I _needed_ another thing to marinate over.

Standing, I loosened my hair.

"Going in?" he said, but I was already climbing over the side of the boat.

And then it was just me, free falling, and cool, salty water.

For a second, anyway. Emmett followed right after, holding on to a very squirmy Rose, who was covered in white cream.

"I wasn't finished, jackass," she screeched, clawing at him.

I swam away from them, wanting a minute to myself. Not that I could have one. There were boats and people as far as the eye could see.

We'd managed to get fairly close to the sandbar itself, so I swam ashore and walked around. A group of kids I knew from school had set up right near the shore and I sat for awhile, chatting with them.

"Ooh, you're getting pink, Bella," Victoria said eventually, pressing her finger against my shoulder.

"Crap," I mumbled. I'd forgotten to put sunblock on, and the sun was brutal. "I'd better get back on the boat for awhile..."

I said my goodbyes and waded back into the water, wondering what Rose and the others were up to. Edward probably thought I was a spazz, leaping from deck the way I had. More boats were showing up by the minute, dumping people and brightly colored floats everywhere. I even passed a floating bar at one point.

"Where'd you go?" Rose asked, squinting at me from her spot. She rolled on to her stomach. "You're starting to burn."

"I know, I know," I said, feeling dumb. "Where's the sunblock?"

"I put it back in your bag."

Edward was right where I'd left him, only now he was eating a sandwich. And he was shirtless.

God, he looked good.

"Ouch," he said, eyeing my shoulder.

"Shut up, I know," I huffed, slathering gops of goo on to my body.

Edward watched, trying not to smile. "Need help?"

"You have mustard on your chin," I said instead.

"Let me at least get your back," he insisted.

"You just want to touch me up."

"For sure."

I rolled my eyes, trying not to smile. "I used to think you were so smooth..."

"I am smooth. You're just..."

"Used to it," I said. That was partly a lie, though. He still affected me, a lot, I just wasn't the simpering little girl I had been before.

Although, if he suddenly stopped paying me any attention things might change.

Still, he shut up. I tossed the sunblock back into my bag. "Want a margarita?"

"Sure, why not?"

I grabbed a sandwich for myself, and filled two cups with margarita.

Because of the way the sun was positioned, Edward's spot was now in the shade, whereas before he'd been laying in the sun. That worked for me. Too much more sun and I'd look like a tourist, red and peeling.

Edward sipped from his cup and watched me eat. I was too hungry to care.

"So, how'd your trip go?" he asked finally.

"What trip?"

"Yesterday."

My heart sank. "Um... it was okay I guess."

"Okay?" he smirked. "Okay."

His reaction was no surprise, but it bugged me. He was biased toward my relationship with Garrett, and why wouldn't he be?

It didn't matter anymore, though, because it was now a moot point.

I took a big gulp of of my drink and set the cup down. "We broke up, actually."

His smile died. I looked down, away, anywhere but at him.

"Shit," he murmured. "I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," I said, tracing my finger around the rim of my cup.

"No, I'm not," he agreed quietly.

We sat in silence awhile. Well, relative silence; all around us, people were splashing, laughing and yelling. Several strains of music wafted from different directions, creating kind of a cacophony.

So there it was. I wondered what he really thought of me and Garrett breaking up, if he even cared. I wondered what it meant for him and me. Was everything just a game to him? Was the challenge gone now that the other guy had been removed?

I doubted that was the case; Edward wasn't that big of a dick. If anything, he seemed to really care.

But honestly, even if all of it meant _something_, I wasn't ready for anything. Not yet.

"Bella!"

I turned toward Rose's voice.

"We're gonna swim in a for awhile," she said.

I nodded, turning back to Edward. "How come you haven't gone swimming yet?"

"I'll go in," he said, shrugging. "So what happened?"

"With Garrett?"

He nodded.

"Just... it's been a long time coming." I shifted so I could lean against the back of the boat. "I really don't feel like talking about it." _With you_, I added silently.

"That's cool," he said, leaning back too.

His stomach was harder than it had been back in the day. He'd always been lean, but now he was built. He'd grown up, I guessed. I glanced surreptitiously at my own stomach.

Nope, no washboard abs there.

"What was that song you played?" I asked. "The other night?"

"Which one?" He grinned as he asked, though, because he knew which one.

"The one in the car..."

He got his iPod back out and untangled the headphones. Carefully, he put them in to my ears. He scrolled through his songs and seconds later the dreamy tune I remembered started.

I couldn't look at him while I listened to it, not if it reminded him of me. It was a perfect song, reminded me of summer and soft things.

When it was done, I gave Edward back his headphones.

He was watching me, again. He was always watching me. I knew because I was almost always watching him too.

"It's pretty," I said, unable to suppress the lightness inside my chest. "I didn't know you liked songs like that."

He nodded, putting the iPod into his bag. "Yeah. I like a lot of their stuff but... that one's special."

His eyes were electric-alive, vividly green. Maybe it was because of the water, or maybe it was the way his newly tanned skin set it off. It was hard to look away... I _couldn't_ look away.

His phone rang, breaking the spell. He frowned when he saw the number, ignoring it.

"Who's that?" I asked nosily. I could've blamed it on the margarita but really, I wanted to know.

It was almost uncontrollable, the wanting to know. And sudden. It made me antsy.

"This girl I work with."

"Girls work down there?"

He made a face. "Of course girls work down there. Not a lot, but a couple."

I tried to imagine myself working construction. Not happening.

"Is that who you... hang out with sometimes?" I asked, staring intently at the crushed ice melting inside my cup.

"Yeah."

Our eyes met again. His face was set; he wanted me to ask, I could tell. I wanted to ask too, only I didn't. I didn't want to get a shitty answer that would make me feel all clingy and stupid.

Especially since jumping from one guy to another was not my intention, no matter what kind of history we had.

"So why didn't you answer?" I asked.

Definitely the margarita. The words were just popping out.

"Because I'm with you."

"Not really," I whispered.

"Why are you like this?" he asked, leaning closer. "It's like... you're playing games. Why don't you just say whatever it is you want to say?"

"Oh, like you do?" I laughed bitterly. "We talk in code, Edward. It's what keeps us afloat."

"Be straight with me and I'll be straight with you," he said, setting his cup down. His mouth was stained red from it. Mine must have been, too.

"It's scary to be straight with you," I said, feeling slightly pathetic.

"Why?"

I shook my head. "Because... I don't know what you want."

"I think it's pretty obvious what I want," he said.

"See, you're doing it again. You can't say it. You just drop these little one liners about - "

"I want _you_. I want to be with you, like how we were before, but not like that because you made it sound like it wasn't enough and it probably wasn't... but either way I want it and I know you want it. You act like you're so grown up now, and you are, but you still want me. You look at me the same way you always did."

Tears burned at my eyes and I looked away, not wanting to give in to it. He was saying things I'd always wanted to hear, and I was too broken to deal with it.

"I'm sorry I made you feel like... you weren't worth it," he said, scooting closer. "Before. I didn't even... know what I was doing, and I definitely didn't know what I had until I started realizing that no girl up there even came close to you."

Shivering, from deep inside. I drew my knees up.

"So much time passed... I didn't like thinking about it anymore, so I didn't. I know you hate me for that, but things sucked enough without wondering what you were doing and who you were with, or wondering if you felt like I did. And then it just... got easier. I didn't even want to come back here before it was time..."

"Are you kidding me?," I whispered, covering my face. I wasn't crying, but I was close. Screw Margaritaville. It was not a happy place, apparently. "Why are you telling me this _now_?"

"I didn't know what it would be like when I got back, Bella." He was on autopilot now, letting it all out. "I was fine. Everything was fine. I was just... glad to be home. And then I saw you, and it was like..." He trailed off, setting his cup aside.

I nodded, remembering. Seeing him that day had been like a punch in the stomach.

"I guess I missed you more than I realized."

"I've missed you, too," I said, dumping the rest of my drink overboard. My hands were shaking a little, and it wasn't from the alcohol.

His phone rang again.

"Just answer it," I huffed, opening a bag of Frito's.

He ignored it.

"Is that one of your hook ups?"

"I don't have hook ups."

"Oh my God, liar," I said through a mouth of corn chips. "You said - "

"I said I go out."

"So?"

"So you obviously assumed that meant more than it did."

"And you let me," I said, feeling the anger ebb away.

"You had a boyfriend," he said tiredly. "Whatever."

I chewed slowly, knowing he was right. I'd had no right to an opinion before. I wondered if I even had one now.

My head hurt: too much sun, too much... strawberry margarita. The sugar was worse than the alcohol.

Yawning, I lay back, putting my head on a rolled up towel.

"I'm going in," Edward said, standing up.

I was glad. Conversations with him always left me with a lot to digest, and the one we'd just had?

Had just about done me in.

"'Kay. Have fun," I mumbled. I wanted to close up and cry, or laugh, even.

Footsteps, a loud splash. Alone on the boat.

The rocking felt good. I let it soothe away the wrinkles in my heart, let it lull me to dozing.

* * *

The sun was setting as we made our way back.

Edward and I sat side by side, facing land as we approached it. We didn't talk, unless it was to point something out... a nice house on the coast, the way the clouds tinged orange and pink at the edges.

Though calm, I still felt skinned and sore inside, like we'd really gone emotionally deep earlier. It had been necessary, a long time coming, but it left me sensitive. Vulnerable.

Coupled with my trip to Miami days prior, I was walking wounded and in need of rest.

Edward seemed to understand. He didn't prod or press. Everyone else on the boat was too tired-happy and sun-drunk to notice, and that was good, too.

At home, after a shower, I settled in to bed early. I had school the next day, and I was having a rough time keeping my eyes open as it was.

Beside me, on the night stand, my phone vibrated, alerting me to a text.

_Check ur email_

Smiling in the dark, I quickly typed back.

_Ok_

Despite my exhaustion, and the fact my legs felt like lead weights, I pulled my laptop on to the bed and went to my Gmail account.

There was an mp3 file from Edward, the song he'd played for me.

I fell asleep listening to it, the same lightness I'd felt from earlier seeping sweetly in.

* * *

_merry Christmas, loves! have a wonderful holiday season. xoxoxoxooxooxxoxoxo thank you for the messages and reviews. they make me all...sparkly inside. *wink*_

_oh, and though i don't plan on doing EPOV for this story, the following playlist is mos def from edward's point of view..._

* * *

**songs:**

**Blue Light - Bloc Party** (_i love this song like... you don't even know. it's always had a significant role in this story._)

**The Edge of Desire - John Mayer**

**I Miss You - Incubus**


	19. One Line

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_nicnic, i love you... maybe even more than i love chilly-crisp weather. _

* * *

Alice got back late from her weekend with Jasper. She was exhausted at school the next day, but relaxed, and in a good mood. Apparently Jasper was going to be able to stay a little longer than he'd originally planned for Thanksgiving break, and they were now just counting down the days.

I had to admire what they had. They'd never really worked for it, feelings-wise. They were a perfect fit. If anyone was destined to last it was probably them.

Alice and I shared last period, a study hall we had the option of spending in the library, and it was there that I told her about my break from Garrett.

Alice nodded, resting her chin on her hand. "Well… you've been getting to this point, so I can't say I'm surprised."

"Exactly." I leafed through my textbook, not even bothering to find the chapter I was supposed to be reviewing. "I felt so crappy Saturday, though. Ugh. It sucked… it still kind of sucks… but I'm starting to feel better about it."

"I'm glad you're doing okay, then." She smiled, squeezing my knee beneath the table. "I'd really hoped, at one point, that you guys would last, but… whatever, you know? Things change. I'm glad you were honest with him."

I nodded, contemplating whether or not I wanted to tell her about Edward.

Maybe not yet. Alice was typically more cautious, shrewder when it came to stuff like that. She'd notice things soon enough, and I could say something then.

Mainly, I wasn't in the mood for an overload of opinion. I hadn't even told Rose what Edward had said on the boat the day before. It felt really private, and I was still thinking about what it meant for me and what I was going to do about it.

I glanced at Alice. She was writing something in a notebook, probably a letter to Jasper.

That seemed like a great idea, suddenly. I'd always been good at expressing myself through written word, even though my journaling had decreased over the years. There had been a time when I'd catalogued everything, no matter how seemingly insignificant. I wanted to do that again; only this time, I wanted to give it to Edward.

It was difficult for me to look at him and spill my guts, but I could definitely write him a note and tell him how I felt. After being so open with me on the boat, and then sending me that song, he deserved the same from me.

I wasn't sure what I wanted, or when I'd be ready, but I did care about Edward – a lot.

He deserved to know.

* * *

I'd completed my homework and was about three quarters of the way through the letter – and my shift at work – when Edward showed up.

My heart slammed in my chest when he appeared. Feeling secretive, I slid the paper off the counter and crumpled it in to my back pocket.

"Hey… what are you doing here?" I asked, smiling.

"Is that sunburn or are you blushing?" he asked, cocking his head.

_Both, probably._

"Sunburn, I guess," I said, feeling my face getting a tiny bit warmer even then. "It's not as bad as my shoulders, though."

"I had fun yesterday."

"Me too."

"Too bad no one has a boat."

"Royce comes up every now and then…"

Edward smirked. "Right."

Royce got along with everyone, but not everyone got along with him, if that made sense. He could be a handful.

I laughed quietly, looking down at the counter. That damn letter was burning a hole in my pocket. "No plans tonight?"

"Nope." He took his hat off and ruffled his hair. "My mom's cooking dinner as we speak and all I can think about are her garlic mashed potatoes."

"That sounds really, really good."

"It is. You should come."

My stomach twisted with longing. "I can't. My mom's cooking too… God knows what… and I have school tomorrow."

"Maybe Friday."

I looked up at him. How such light eyes could look so dark and intense, I didn't know.

Pulling, pulling. He was always pulling. I hoped he'd never stop, hoped he'd wait for me. I loved that he wanted to spend time with me that way, not just around him, but around his family as well.

"Maybe."

He nodded, seeming satisfied with that. "You got the song I sent?"

"Yeah," I said, trying not to get all melty right there. "Thanks. I really love it… I've already put it on my iPod."

"Nice," he said, grinning. He reminded me of his younger self sometimes, the way he used to smile so big like everything was copacetic. I loved it then; I loved it now.

"I'll let you get back to it," he said, tapping his fingers just once on the counter between us.

"Okay. Thanks for stopping by," I said, both relieved and disappointed he was leaving.

"It's on the way home," he said, turning to go.

"Oh, yeah?"

"No." He smiled at me over his shoulder and left.

He'd parked right in front. I watched him get into his car and drive away before retrieving the letter and smoothing it back over the counter.

* * *

When I got home, there was a brief email from Garrett in my inbox.

My heart hurt just seeing his name, and I almost didn't open the message. Curiosity won out, though.

He didn't say much, just that he'd thought a lot about what I'd said. My stomach clamped up reading that while it felt wrong not having me in his life, if that's the way it had to be he understood. He also said it would be better if we didn't talk for awhile. That stung, but in all honesty what else had I expected?

I emailed back to say I got his note, and that I got where he was coming from.

No _I love yous_ from either side, which took a substantial weight off my shoulders.

I hadn't been exaggerating when I'd told Alice earlier that each day I felt better and better. It might take some time for me to move on from him, but I wasn't going to dwell on it. I wanted to look back on my relationship with Garrett fondly; he'd been the right person at the right time, but that was over now. I could deal with that, and it seemed so could he.

Closing my laptop, I stood up and stretched. My eyes landed on the folded piece of paper peeking out from my jeans: the note to Edward that I'd finished at work.

The letter wasn't long, only about a page, but it was enough. I was tempted to go over it and re-word things, but then decided not to. It was better that he get my feelings the way they were, not the way I thought they should sound.

The thought of giving it to him made me nervous as hell. Baring myself that way, especially when things were so uncertain, was scary…

…even if he had done it first.

* * *

_Edward,_

_I know I'm not exactly forthcoming with the things I'm thinking, so I'm going to try and express myself this way._

_I feel like you deserve to know how I feel and why I do the things I do._

_You caught me off guard the other day, at the Sandbar. I wasn't expecting that. You used to be so secretive, so mysterious back in the day. Getting you to talk was like pulling teeth. But I was so into you that it didn't even matter. Being around you was enough._

_It's not enough anymore though, and I realized I was being hypocritical by making you tell me what you wanted when I wouldn't/couldn't do the same._

_So here it is. I loved someone, and it's over. I need time to get over that. Every day I get over it, but it wouldn't be fair to you or me (or even him, not that you care) to just jump into something with you._

_And it isn't that I don't want to. Because I do. I missed you when you left, and I miss you now. You scare me as much as you ever did, because you make me feel so much. I want to be with you the same way you want to be with me, but I want to do it slowly this time. I need to know you, not just how you make ME feel, but who you actually are._

_And that's it._

_Love,_

_Bella_

_

* * *

_

I didn't have to work on Tuesday, so after stopping at Publix to pick up a couple of things for my mother, I went home.

We were expecting the weather to cool off by the weekend, and already the sun wasn't quite as hot as it had been days before. I welcomed the change, tired of the incessant heat. I loved the sun when I was free, like in the summer, but it made the everyday grind of work and school tedious.

I wondered f Edward would pass by the store, as he so often did lately. I hadn't told him that I had the night off. I didn't tell him much of anything unless he sought me out. And he was always seeking, these days. I wondered if he would wait for me to come to him, and for how long.

I thought about him at night sometimes, imagined him coming to my window. I'd shut my eyes tight and let it ride, touching myself the way he had once.

Once more, it seemed my body was craving things that my heart wasn't ready for when it came to Edward. Like I'd said in my letter, I needed to take it slow, even if I didn't want to.

This time the circumstances were different.

The stakes were higher.

He and I were… serious now. I saw it in the way he looked at me. I'd always taken him seriously, even when my _love_ had been sugarsweet and innocent, ignorant and hopeful. But now he was for real like I was for real. We were on the same page, it seemed. The things he'd said grabbed at my heart, at me.

After homework and dinner, I took a shower. I couldn't stop thinking about the stupid letter. I felt like it had a time limit, like it would lose something if I didn't get it to its intended soon.

Once I was dressed, I picked up the phone. Garrett's number was still on speed dial; I removed it. I didn't need daily reminders.

Conversely, Edward's number was not on speed dial. I scrolled through my contacts until his name came up, and pressed _call_.

"I can't believe you still have the same number after all this time," he said.

"Had no reason to change it." I shrugged, though no one could see me. Something occurred to me. "Have you had it all this time?"

He paused. "Yeah."

"Oh."

A TV was on in the background. It sounded like he was watching music videos. I paced my room, wanting to see him.

"So what's up?" he asked eventually.

"Are you home?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Can I stop by real quick?"

"Does it have to be real quick?"

I rolled my eyes, smiling. "Yes. School night."

"You're so full of shit," he laughed. "You could stay…"

"Edward."

"Of course you can stop by."

"Okay. I'll be by in a few."

"Okay. The garage apartment, remember."

"I remember."

We hung up. I slung a hoodie on, not because it was cold but because a tank top wasn't enough clothing. I was going over to Edward's to hand deliver my feelings, not to stick my nipples in his face.

"Mom, I have to run out for a sec," I said, slipping into old flip flops by the front door.

"Yeah, okay. Where you off to?"

I stiffened, not wanting to lie, but not wanting her to think presumptuous things.

"Just to drop something to a friend's. I'll be back in a half hour."

"Okay," she said, her attention back on grading papers.

The ride to Edward's took less than ten minutes. It was surreal driving up the driveway, remembering all of the things that had happened there. I parked behind the Camaro and quietly closed the door, not sure if his parents would care I was there. He was, after all, an adult.

But still. They'd probably remember me, and now it looked like I was creeping up to his apartment for a booty call.

Edward answered the door right away, standing to the side so I could come in. "Hi."

"Hi."

His place smelled good, like he'd been cooking.

"Hungry?" he asked, going over to the kitchenette at one end of the efficiency.

"No, I ate. What are you cooking?"

"Spaghetti. Garlic bread."

"It smells really good… but I thought you usually ate with your parents?"

"I do, a lot of the time. But sometimes I just come home and I want to do my own thing, you know?"

I nodded. I wasn't able to "do my own thing" just yet, but I certainly saw the appeal.

"Sure you don't want any?"

He was adorable, barefoot and in jeans, an old t-shirt that barely covered his skin, half hidden by steam as he poured noodles into a strainer in the sink.

"I'll…taste it," I conceded, coming closer.

Nodding, he returned the spaghetti to its pot and added sauce.

"Here," he said, handing me a fork wrapped in a saucy noodle. I tasted it gingerly, choosing not to focus on the thrumming of my heart when he was so next to me.

"It's good," I said, covering my mouth as I chewed.

He took the same fork and served himself a huge bite straight from the pot.

God, I just wanted to bite his mouth.

"Here," I said, thrusting the letter at him.

He frowned, swallowing his food. "What's this?"

"Just…a letter. Read it when I go."

"When are you going to go?"

"Now."

"Why can't I read it now, then?"

I shook my head, smiling. He loved messing with me, still. I loved it, still. "Go ahead. I'll see you soon."

"No, hold on." He grasped my arm. "Why can't I read it with you?"

"Because that would defeat the purpose."

"No, it wouldn't."

"Yes, it would. You'll see. Just… I'll talk to you soon." On impulse I tiptoed up and kissed his cheek before leaving, counting on his confusion to allow my getaway.

He didn't follow me outside.

No sooner had I pulled into my own driveway, my phone rang.

He spoke before I had the chance to say hello. "You tell me things like this and run away?"

I let myself into the house and slipped in to my room. "I just wanted you to read it without any distractions."

"You're always going to distract me. On paper or in person."

I dropped my bag on the ground and lay down, blowing my bangs out of my face. What more did he want me to say? I'd already said it all. Damn.

"Bella?"

"Hmm?"

"I'm glad you told me. I kind of…figured. But, yeah. Thanks."

"I wanted you to know," I said, rolling on to my side. I imagined him back in his apartment, probably sitting on his couch with my letter beside him. "Anyway… I'll let you get back to your spaghetti."

"'kay. Good night."

"Good night," I echoed, ending the call.

It was relief, getting things like that off my chest.

* * *

The Friday before Thanksgiving break found me in Mrs. Cope's office, fine tuning details for my college applications. I was applying to five schools, all of them in central or northern Florida. USF was the one I was hoping for, but, like most my peers, I just wanted _someone_ to deem me worthy of acceptance.

The bell rang. Mrs. Cope smiled, handing me my pile of envelopes.

"Well, you're all set to send these off. We'll probably start hearing back from these sometime in the spring."

I nodded, tucking the paperwork into my backpack. "Thanks, Mrs. Cope. Have a good Thanksgiving."

"You too, Bella."

The hallway was packed. I joined the sea of students flowing out the double doors, looking for Alice or Rose. They found me first.

"What time are you coming?" Rose asked. She was squinting at her phone, probably reading a text.

"I brought my bag; I can come now," I said. "You riding with me, Alice?"

She nodded, patting her own bag. "I brought my stuff, too."

Rose waved absently, still glued to her phone. It was a wonder she didn't run into something. "'kay… I'll meet you there."

"I guess Emmett's home already…" I mused, watching her walk away.

"I think he's driving up," Alice said.

I glanced at her, noting her flushed face. "How's Jasper?"

Her smirk bloomed into a full on grin. "He's… great. So great."

"Aw." I grinned, unlocking the truck. "I love it. No one else makes you smile like that."

"I know," Alice said with a little sigh.

She was pulling a classic move later on; her mother thought she was staying overnight with Rose but really she and Jasper had gotten a hotel room. I couldn't blame her; Alice had always been so straight and good, especially when it came to boys. Her mother was really strict in that regard, and though she liked Jasper, she still had a lot of ground rules when it came to dating.

In fact, the only reason Alice had been allowed to see Jasper the weekend before was because they had family in the Atlanta area, and Alice was still "scouting" schools there. She gave her mother the same story every time she went.

But, Jasper was her one and only, and would probably always be. Alice had never taken things like that lightly, especially when it came to being physical. It made sense that she was so devoted to Jasper and their time together.

Rose and I didn't have plans other than lazing around and watching movies, but I suspected that by the end of the night she'd be screwing Emmett somewhere, somehow.

"Speaking of which…" Alice piped up and then trailed off.

I buckled my seatbelt and twisted around so I could reverse, purposely waiting on her to continue.

"What's up with Edward?" she said eventually.

Although I'd been tight lipped about it initially, I did end up telling Alice all about Edward and the things he'd said to me. I'd been prepared to defend the situation, to explain that I felt Edward was being sincere, and that I was going to move slowly anyway, but there was no need. Alice seemed to think we were destined, and that if we'd been brought back together, then it was for a reason.

I shrugged, pulling into line to leave the parking lot. "He's good."

"Just good? You guys talk almost every night."

I nodded, smiling a little. That was true.

After giving Edward the letter, I didn't hear from him for a couple of nights. He didn't come by the book store or call, leaving me to wonder if I'd weirded him out or something.

Then, late one night, he called. I was reading in bed, close to falling asleep, but I answered.

Of course I answered.

We didn't really talk about anything of consequence. He told me about his day, I told him about mine, and things went from there. When he called a couple of nights later, I teased him that we were regressing – going back to the days when we'd chatted for hours every night.

I loved it, though.

Still, he didn't call me every night. Jake was going to college locally, so he and Edward hung out all the time, playing pool or whatever. Sometimes he had dinner with his parents.

So many aspects of Edward were the same as before, but so many more weren't. He was still a cocky smartass, but it was different now. He'd calmed down. And whereas before he'd seemed tolerant of his parents, now they seemed genuinely close.

I felt like I was getting to know him all over again, which is what I really wanted.

"I have to say… I'm impressed," Alice said.

I pulled up to Rose's and parked. "Why? Because I haven't jumped his bones yet?"

"Yeah."

Snorting, I punched her arm and got out of the truck. "Gee, thanks."

"Please, nena. You've been lusting after the same guy for the bulk of high school. If he hadn't left, you would've done him long ago."

"This is true."

"So, I'm just saying. I'm surprised he hasn't worked his voodoo over you yet."

"He has," I admitted. "But I think I have my own voodoo now. The thing is, I don't just want him. I… well, I don't know if I love him, but – "

"I think you do."

"Okay, well fine. Maybe I do. But –"

"Maybe?"

"Al-ice," I moaned, letting us in through the front door with the key Rose had given me years before. "What I'm trying to say is I care for him, _a lot_, and I don't want to rush into things and risk ruining it. I'm barely over Garrett, you know? I don't know if I can handle more drama like that. Not now."

"I feel you," she said. "I have a good feeling about Edward, though." She laughed. "Oddly enough."

"Yeah, well, stranger things have happened."

"Are you seeing him later?"

"I don't know."

I had a feeling I would see him later, though.

Alice, Rose and I hung around for awhile until Jasper came to pick Alice up. Rose's mom and stepdad went out, so we made ourselves a couple of rum n' cokes and went swimming. The night was cool but the heater was on and the water felt good.

Rose's phone rang a couple of times before she finally made it over to the side of the pool. I could tell by her hushed tones that she was speaking to Emmett, and I hoped with a kind of tight anxiety inside that Edward was with him.

"They're outside," she said a moment later as she climbed out. "Shit, it's cold."

"Who's they?"

"Em and Edward." She wrapped herself in a towel and hurried over to the gate leading to the driveway. "Be right back."

I took a swig of my drink, glad for the inner toastiness it provided.

Rose returned with the boys in tow.

"Hey Bella," Emmett said, ridding himself of his clothes immediately.

Edward kicked his shoes off but hesitated, hanging back. Despite the fact we spoke on the phone frequently, we hadn't actually seen one another since the night I gave him the letter.

"Hi," I said quietly, rippling my fingers back and forth over the surface of the water.

"Hey," he said, squatting down. "You getting out?"

"No," I said, swimming closer to him. "You should come in."

He glanced over to Emmett, who was now in the water in his underwear.

"Look at you, all modest. You _have_ changed," I teased, flicking water at him. Provoking him.

He stood up and took his shirt off, and then his jeans.

"You can keep your socks on," I joked.

He took them off and eased in to the water. We smiled at each other like two nerdy kids on first date.

"So… how was work?" I asked, floating slowly backwards.

He made a face. "Really? Work?"

"What? You always tell me about your day."

"Today was like every day. I busted my ass and went home." He paused, floating toward me. "How was school?"

"Ha, the same. I got all of my applications filled out and sent off, though."

"For college?"

"Yeah."

He nodded, smiling. We'd been talking about that a couple of nights prior. Edward had applied to a bunch of schools all over Florida, including the University of Tampa – a private school downtown. I was kind of hoping we'd both end up in Tampa, even at different schools, but I wasn't about to get my hopes up.

After all, Edward and I hadn't even moved beyond the 'friend zone'.

"No big plans tonight?" I asked.

"I could be asking you the same thing," he said.

I hit the other end of the pool, realizing I'd been retreating the whole time he'd been advancing. Sort of like our relationship in general lately.

"I'm sort of… in chill mode these days," I said, flattening myself against the wall.

"Yeah, I feel you." He came to a stop in front of me. "Anyway, Emmett wanted to be here, and I was with him so…here we are."

I nodded, hoping I didn't look as disappointed as I felt.

I probably did, because he came closer still. "Besides, Rose said you were here."

A small splash at the shallow end gave me an excuse to look away. Rose was wrapped around Emmett. They'd probably be sneaking off in a minute.

Edward moved to my side, leaning against the wall. His arm touched mine, and coupled with the night chill, gave me goose bumps. Our eyes met; his were calm. Mine, I imagined, were cautious.

The pool, especially at night, was a dangerous place to be. Intimacy glimmered quietly between us, brought on my memories of other nights in pools, of whispering and kissing and touching.

"Remember Rose's party? A long time ago?" I asked, staring down into the electric blue. "You guys were all here."

I saw him nod in my peripheral.

"This is the first place you talked to me," I said.

"I remember. You were out here by yourself."

"I had such a crush on you."

I sensed, rather than saw, him smile.

"Bella," Rose called.

I watched her climb out of the pool with Emmett. "We're gonna run in, make a few more drinks. You want another one? Edward?"

I shrugged, nodding.

"Sure," Edward agreed.

They half-ran inside, shivering and dripping everywhere.

"I missed him while I was gone," Edward admitted, leaning his elbows up on the side of the pool. "A lot. He was pretty pissed when I got in trouble but, after a while he was the only one I could really talk to. He's the reason my parents and I have any sort of relationship at all right now."

"How'd he manage that?"

"He just… kept us civil. And then he got us talking." He ran his hand through his still-dry hair. "Emmett's always been like that."

"What ever happened to Tyler? I noticed he sort of disappeared after you got in trouble."

"Not sort of. He _did_ disappear. My mom called his mom, can you believe that?"

I laughed incredulously. "Where'd he go?"

"Hell if I know. To live with other family members, I guess."

"Wow," I said, remembering that time. So many lives had been affected. It could have been a lot worse, too. Edward could have been busted by the cops instead of by his mother.

We were quiet awhile. The water was still around us, almost glassy from our lack of movement.

"It's weird being near you, knowing how you feel… and not being able to touch you."

I wanted to tell him he could touch me, but touching would probably lead to _touching_. I wanted it, badly. I knew what those hands felt like and what they could do, but I also knew they could be my undoing.

"We could go inside," I offered.

"I don't want to go inside."

"Okay."

"Do you?"

"No."

Emmett and Rose returned, with drinks in hand. Grateful for the distraction I reached for my cup, smiling up at Rose. She looked a little feisty, and I wondered what else she and Emmett had been doing inside.

After that, things got a little rowdy. Rose had made the second batch pretty strong.

We started splashing and chasing each other around. I raced down the yellow slide with Edward right behind me, his legs gripping me even as we toppled into the water. Rose was riding around on Emmett's shoulders. Every time she pulled his hair, he reached around and snapped her bikini bottoms, which in turn made her pull his hair.

On our fourth…fifth…time down the slide, we went careening into the water at a really funky angle. Edward grabbed me before I hit the wall, yanking me away from it. I wrapped my legs around him, almost out of habit.

It brought us really close together. He ran his hands up the underside of my thighs, and a shock of wanting ran through me so hard I shuddered, my breath coming out in this wet, raspy gasp.

He released my thighs and gently pried me off right as I pushed away from him.

I literally throbbed for him. I was drunk and horny and with someone who wanted me, someone I cared about so deeply it hurt. Why was I waiting again?

"Sorry," he said, but he didn't look sorry. Not that he should've been.

"Don't be," I said, shaking my head. "Let's dry off and watch a movie or something."

So we did.

And when Emmett and Rose disappeared up to her room and started blasting Wu-tang to mask the sounds of their probablysex, we just made popcorn and watched a cheesy slasher movie on cable.

Being with him felt good.

He fell asleep with his head in my lap. I couldn't keep my hands out of his hair.

Alice was right: I loved him.

* * *

_hope your holidays have been happy. :) mine have been. my mom's visiting, so consider it a miracle i was able to get this chapter out today. i love the woman but damn, she's active._

* * *

**songs:**

**One Line - PJ Harvey**

**My Heart - Paramore**

**Your Surrender - Neon Trees (thanks, littleB1223)**


	20. I Want You

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to nicnic, the frosting to my cupcake._

_eta: this chapter marks the beginning of part 3._

* * *

It had been a while since my father's parents had visited, so for Thanksgiving they flew in from Washington State. Despite the distance, I'd always been relatively close to my grandparents. Seeing them was a real treat, even if they did always take over my bedroom.

I slept on the couch, which pulled out in to a nice, lumpy bed. It reminded me of middle school, when all I'd had was a single bed in my room. Alice and I had spent many nights on the pull out bed in the living room, eating junk and smothering our giggles as we watched soft-porny things on Cinemax.

I was older now, and so was the couch. The thing gave me aches in my back.

The day after the big feast I was laid out on that couch in my pajamas, flipping though the TV channels. Cable was one of the few things my father didn't mind splurging on, and the sheer amount of crap to choose from was mind boggling.

After a while my grandmother joined me, patting my knee as she sat.

"Now," she began, settling in. "Tell me about the boys."

I smiled, used to this. Every family has at least one member that loves romantic gossip; in ours it was undoubtedly Grandma Marie.

"No one really, Gran," I said casually, hoping she'd leave it alone.

"That's not what your mother said."

I glanced sideways at her, catching the tail end of a smug grin turned innocent.

"Well, I don't know what she possibly could have told you," I said, shaking my head. "I broke up with my boyfriend of two years recently."

"Ah, that's a shame," she sighed, patting my knee again. "Is he the one I met? The year before last?"

"Garrett…yeah." I shrugged, turning toward her. "It was rough, but it was time. It's okay."

She nodded. "You're young."

"Yep." I smiled, giving up my search for something watch-able. Gran liked cooking shows, so I left it on the Food Network.

"So there's no one else?" she prodded.

Damn, she was insistent. It was like she could see right through me. I chewed the inside of my cheek, debating on whether or not I even wanted to get into it.

"There is… someone," I hedged eventually.

"Mm?"

"His name's Edward," I said, practically whispering. The last impression my Mom had of him, he'd been sent off to military school for weed; I wasn't sure she'd look too kindly on us rekindling our relationship.

"That's a lovely name," Gran said, her eyes twinkling. "Is he very handsome?"

"Very," I said, trying to keep mellow.

She grinned. "Where is he now?"

"Probably with his family, doing the same thing we're doing," I guessed.

She looked like she was about to speak when the doorbell rang. I jumped up, wondering if Alice or Rose had gotten fed up with family time. Maybe it was a delivery; my mom was always ordering stuff off the internet.

I peeked out the window.

Edward was standing on my porch with a container of some sort in his hands.

"Crap," I whispered, knowing I looked like a bum. Ratty pj's aside, I hadn't even brushed my hair all day.

"Who is it, dear?" Gran asked.

My mom appeared in the doorway, wiping her hands on a dish towel.

"I – it's a friend… it's Edward," I mumbled, quickly retying my hair into a neater ponytail.

Mom kept her face somewhat neutral, but I noticed she didn't move or return to the kitchen.

I opened the door and smiled at my unexpected guest. "Hey, you."

He smiled back. "Hey…Happy Thanksgiving."

"Happy Thanksgiving," I repeated, although we'd spoken on the phone the day before, when it actually _was_ Thanksgiving. "What's up?" I stepped aside to let him in, even though I'd have rather stepped outside to talk to him.

"Just wanted to bring some of my mom's garlic mashed potatoes," he said. "Since you haven't had them yet…"

I took the container from him. It felt like ceramic or something, heavy. "Thanks… I can't wait to try this."

"Bella?"

I turned guiltily to Gran, who was waiting expectantly behind me.

"Oh my gosh, I'm sorry – Gran, this Edward, Edward, my grandma Marie."

They shook hands. Gran looked tiny next to Edward.

"It's so nice to meet you, dear," she said, her eyes crinkling as she smiled up at him. "Bella was just talking about you."

I would have liked to think Gran was senile but she really just loved romance and matchmaking and Hollywood endings. If she could give me a little push, she certainly would, regardless of the fact that I was currently cringing.

Edward smirked at me. "Oh yeah?"

I rolled my eyes. "Anyway."

"Hi, Mrs. Swan," he said suddenly, waving to my mom. She was still standing there, a small smile on her face. I couldn't tell what she was thinking.

"Hi, Edward. Long time no see."

He nodded. "Yeah, it's been awhile."

I walked over to her and gave her the container of potatoes. "Edward's mom sent this over."

"Oh, thank you!" she said cordially. "I wish I had something to send back…"

"Its fine," Edward said, waving her off. "I just… we had a lot of food, you know?"

"Let's go outside," I whispered, returning to Edward and tugging his arm.

He turned to my grandmother, smiling politely. "It was nice to meet you, Mrs. …?"

"Swan," I said quickly.

"Mrs. Swan." He gave her one of his patented Edward smiles. Such a charmer.

Gran smiled, nodding. "It was nice meeting you, too."

We slipped outside on to the porch. The day wasn't as chilly as it had been the day before, but it was overcast and yucky.

"You were talking about me, huh?" Edward asked, grinning crookedly as I shut the door behind us.

"She… was just asking. About boys. You know."

He nodded, shoving his hands in to his pockets. "What did you tell her?"

I wrapped my arms around myself, fighting a yawn. "That you were handsome."

He raised his eyebrows. "Oh, really?"

"Shut up."

And then I was wrapped in his arms. He rested his chin on top of my head. I squirmed a little to release my arms so I could hug him back.

"Did you just come by to bring me potatoes?"

"They're not just for you… and there's rhubarb pie in there, too."

"Never had that."

"It's good." His voice was muffled. I realized it was because his face was in my hair.

I hadn't brushed my teeth. Edward couldn't have found me at a grosser time.

"You didn't answer my question," I said, pinching his sides.

Edward stepped back a bit, holding me away. "Let's go out. Just us."

"What, now?"

"No." He gave me a look like I was silly, and maybe I was. He made me that way, all nonsensical and jumbled up on the inside. "Tomorrow. The next day. Next Friday, I don't know…"

"What did you have in mind?"

He shrugged, coming closer. "Dinner."

"Where?" I asked, but it was just something to say.

Really, it didn't matter where. I just wanted to be with him.

"Is there someplace you wanna go?" he asked, staring down at me.

I shook my head. "I trust you."

He was so close; I hoped Gran wasn't looking out the window. Actually I didn't think she would do that, but my mom might.

"Is that a yes?"

I nodded.

"I'll pick you up tomorrow, at seven."

Anticipation tickled through me, bringing butterflies. "All right."

He grinned. I wondered if he was relieved. Or perhaps he'd known I'd say yes. Things had changed between us. Well, they'd been changing for some time, but since my letter, and a couple of nights before in Rose's pool, things had sped up. At least, it felt that way.

Edward leaned down to kiss my cheek, and it made me feel like I was fifteen, drunk off this beautiful boy.

"So… I'll see you tomorrow," he said, backing slowly away.

I nodded, suddenly giddy, and watched him get in to his car before going back inside.

Gran was still on the couch, pressing the remote every now and then as she channel surfed.

"He _is_ very handsome," she commented, her eyes never leaving the screen. "You're a goner."

"Thanks a lot, Gran," I said dryly, laughing a little as I sat.

And she was probably right, dammit.

* * *

It had been a really long time since I was nervous about a date.

I knew that if Edward and I got serious, there would come a time when the brand new shine would fade, when the flutters would be replaced by comfort. It had happened with Garrett, and I knew it was that way with my parents. Unlike with Garrett though, it didn't have to mean that we'd "lost that loving feeling". I understood that there was a difference between the two.

And there wasn't any way for me to know that for certain. It was more of a gut feeling. My feelings for Edward had always run deep, and I had to wonder if that was because we were meant to be together.

But for now, the happy-worn-in stage was far off. Edward and I hadn't even reached a honeymoon stage. Hell, we hadn't even had a second-first kiss.

So I was nervous. I shaved, although I was wearing jeans, and painted my toenails, even though I was wearing boots. As usual, the weather was being wonky and all over the place; at the moment it was chilly. As much as I wanted to wear sandals, I couldn't.

I drew the line at straightening my hair. I liked it wavy, anyway.

My mother came into my room and sat on the edge of the bed, watching as I applied makeup. I'd probably never be as adept at it as Alice, but I could handle the bare minimum.

"So…Edward, huh?"

Capping the tube of mascara, I glanced at her in the mirror and nodded.

"That came as a surprise." There was no judgment in her words, but I knew her. Mama Bear was lurking behind the corner, I had a feeling.

"For me too," I said quietly.

"You used to be so head over heels for him," she mused.

_I still am._

"I know." I stuffed lip-gloss in to my purse and turned to face her.

We regarded each other for a minute. She was waiting for me to explain things. I'd always been fairly forthcoming about details of my relationship with Garrett, and I suspected she wanted that now. However, things had always been more complicated with Edward… nebulous. It was difficult to put in to words what he made me feel, the expectations I had for him, for us.

"He's changed a lot, Mom. I know that sounds naïve, but it's true. He doesn't smoke anymore—"

"Thank God."

"—and he's just… grownup a lot. He gets along with his parents, he graduated with honors last year, he's going to college next year…he's different."

"Listing his attributes proves nothing, Bella. I just want to make sure you don't get hurt."

"That's a little silly, isn't it?" I asked, pulling boots up over my jeans. "Seems like hurt is a chance we all take, regardless of who we're seeing."

"You know what I mean."

"Yeah, I do. I've done nothing but think about this, and I don't want to anymore. I just want to be with him. It's like this… pull. When he's not with me, I'm thinking about him. And when he is with me, I feel it in every part of me. I don't care if it doesn't make sense."

"Okay," Mom said, nodding. "I'd never presume to tell you who you should date, not at this age. I just want you to be aware."

"'kay." There wasn't much more to be said. My mother's opinions and feelings had always been important to me, but this was something I needed to deal with on my own. Even if it ended messy, it was _my own._

She smiled, getting up. "Have fun."

It had been a while since I'd really had a curfew, and she didn't remind me of one now. Things had changed over the years, I supposed. My parents trusted me, even though the girls and I still got into things we probably shouldn't have been getting into.

But whatever. I was eighteen, not forty. If there was ever a time to take chances and make messes, it was now.

* * *

Edward rang the doorbell at six fifty-six.

I smiled inwardly, thinking of all the times he'd been to my house. Very few of those times included the front door.

"Hi," I said, loving how my heart skipped when our eyes met.

"Hey." He smiled and bent to kiss my cheek, something he did more and more lately. "I like your hair this way," he added, reaching out and running his fingers through the waves.

Oh yeah. Definitely not straightening it for awhile.

Caps Island Grille was a local favorite. It was near the water, and the food was great.

Despite the fact that we'd never actually gone on a date before, there was little awkwardness. After all, we'd known each other forever, and we talked on a pretty regular basis. The only difference was now we were starting to hang out a lot again. It felt good.

"Do you realize," I began, dipping my fries in ketchup, "that this is our first date?"

Edward frowned. "Really?"

"Don't tell me you consider what we used to do, 'dating'," I teased.

A smile crept on to his face. "It was… dating."

I shook my head, grinning. "It was fooling around."

"I thought you liked fooling around."

"I did like it."

"Did?"

I bit my lip, not falling in to _that_ trap. We'd veered right off in to flirt mode, and every time our eyes met a pulse of giddiness quivered through me.

His foot touched mine beneath the table.

I looked up at him. "What?"

"I know this is our first date."

"I know you know. You just like messing with me."

"Yeah, I do."

This reminded me of the old Edward, playing with words and what he really meant.

"Maybe I like messing with you too," I said, leaning back against my side of the booth.

He smirked real slowly.

Our server appeared. "Can I get you guys anything else?"

We were both pretty full, so Edward asked for the check.

"I just thought of something," he said, taking his wallet out of his pocket.

"What?"

"Denny's."

"What about Denny's?"

"That was date-ish."

"That was _so_ not date-ish," I laughed, tossing my napkin at him. "That was… talking. And anyway, I was still with Garrett."

"Fine," he conceded, giving his credit card to the server.

Now I was the one kicking him beneath the table. "Why, was it a date to you?"

He shrugged, smiling devilishly. "I just wanted to get you out of the house."

"I thought you wanted to talk to me."

"That too."

I loved being this way with him. It had been so long since we'd joked around and acted like nothing mattered. It felt like we were free to move forward, nothing holding us back. I didn't regret moving slowly with him before; it was what I needed to do.

However, I could no longer deny the part of me that wanted simply to be with Edward.

Mainly because that part of me was _all _of me.

"What changed?" he asked, leaning forward.

It was like he'd been listening to my thoughts. His face was so open, almost vulnerable. I imagined that was the way I must have looked to him years before; it was weird how the tables had turned.

"I asked you that once," I remarked. "Way before."

"Yeah? And what'd I say?"

"Well, I should restate. You came over one night…unexpectedly… as usual… and I asked what you were doing. You said you were tired of trying to stay away from me."

Edward cocked his head. "So what does that have to do with now?"

"You asked me what changed –"

The waitress returned Edward's card and thanked us as she walked away.

I shrugged, looking down at the table. "I'm tired of trying to stay away from you."

He stood up and pulled me from my seat. "So don't."

I didn't want to go home. Edward must have felt the same way, because we ended up driving around Hutchinson Island, music low, windows just barely open. It felt like summer, only cold.

He hadn't let go of my hand since we'd left the restaurant. Every time I looked at him my heart dipped low in my chest, like I was on a carnival ride. The carefully constructed cover I'd knitted for myself was rapidly unraveling, leaving me the best sort of bare.

"When did you realize I liked you?" I asked suddenly. "Before, I mean."

Edward pulled into one of the beach parking lots. "That day at the beach."

"Which day?"

"We were… driving by in Tyler's brother's truck. You guys were sitting on the sand…"

"By the Intracoastal…" I remembered that day clearly. "Well that's embarrassing. I was falling all over myself for you after that and you totally already knew."

"Yeah, well, it probably wouldn't have mattered but then Jake started liking you so, I knew who you were."

Maybe it was a ludicrous question, but I had to ask. Even if the answer might have stung."Did you _really _like me? When we were together? Or was it more when you left?"

Edward looked at me incredulously. "Are you serious right now?"

I shrugged, nodding.

"Yeah, I liked you."

"Why were you so all over the place about it?"

"I don't know Bella; I was an idiot. Why does anyone do anything? We liked each other… I didn't see the point of labeling it. And you didn't seem to care, if I remember correctly."

"Yeah, I lied about that."

Edward laughed, shaking his head as he leaned back. "Typical."

"Typical what?"

"Typical girl."

"I know. I'd never put up with that nowadays," I said. As much as I wanted to hate on his old self for being so lukewarm and dickish, the truth was, I'd accepted it.

"I'd never do that to you nowadays," he said, squeezing my hand.

"So you acknowledge it was lame."

He shrugged. "I acknowledge that I was too stupid to know what I had until I didn't have it."

We were quiet for awhile. The waves crashed just beyond the darkness, and I wished it was warmer so we could sit comfortably on the beach.

"I remember when I knew I liked you," Edward said.

This would be good.

"When?"

"The day after I kissed you."

"The day _after_?" I asked, making a face. "That's a little backward, isn't it?"

"Yeah. But I liked a few girls around that time… I hardly knew you. I thought you were really cute, but anyway, the next day I kept thinking about kissing you, and how sweet your mouth was. Like, you didn't shove your tongue down my throat. You were all shy about it. That's how I knew."

"That was my first kiss," I said, not sure if I'd told him that before.

"Shit."

"Yeah."

"Was it… good for you?" he asked.

"It was perfect. I thought about it for days." I laughed a little. "I still think about it."

The mood in the car shifted. He was looking at me; I could feel it. He wanted to kiss me.

I wanted to kiss him, too.

"I miss you," I whispered.

He let go of my hand and stroked his fingers along the back of my neck, making me close my eyes because it felt so nice.

"I should take you home," he said quietly. His hand was gone, now on the gearshift as he reversed out.

"Why?" I asked, slow and thick with wishing and wanting.

"Because." He smiled faintly and rested his hand on my knee.

That reminded me of good times and car rides, and all of a sudden I was flooded with emotion. Some of it was nostalgic, but a lot of it was brand new.

"Because what?"

"Because you're impossible to read. I find it frustrating, and at the same time… I don't mind waiting for you."

We stopped at a red light.

I unbuckled my seatbelt and leaned over, turning his face toward me. I kissed him twice; long, soft, gentle kisses, just my lips pressed to his.

He inhaled. It felt like he was breathing me in.

Cars started moving around us. I sat back, seeing that the light was now green.

Edward glanced at me once before accelerating.

We didn't talk until he entered my neighborhood. All I could think about was his lips.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" he asked.

"I don't know yet. What are you doing?"

"No plans," he said.

We pulled up to my house. Edward shut off the engine and got out. I let him walk me to the door, relieved that the house seemed dark and quiet.

Then again, both of my parents could be stealthy. They could be creeping around inside.

_Ah, whatever._

Everything about this night had been by the book, so I half expected him to kiss me goodnight right then. But he didn't. He drew me in to his arms and held me tight. I hugged back, relishing the feel of him, his solidity, and his warmth.

"Let me see you tomorrow," he said, so quietly I almost didn't hear.

Nodding, I hugged him tighter.

"Let me kiss you," he whispered.

My heart, which was already racing, stuttered. It was hard to see him in the shadows, but I could feel him and that was almost better.

He kissed me, angling his face to mine so that our mouths fit. I melted against him, wanting to be close to him, needing it. His finger tips trailed along by back, touching the skin above my jeans over and over.

I caught his lip with mine, and his tongue slipped into my mouth. Warm, wet, we kissed like that for awhile, slow, deep kisses that could easily combust in to something else but wouldn't.

I didn't want to stop; it was a damn good thing Gran and Grandpa were inside of my room because otherwise I might have dragged Edward in there with me to kiss some more.

I wasn't sure who pulled away first; I thought maybe we both did.

"I love kissing you," I breathed. The words were just popping out on their own now. Even if I'd wanted to exercise some semblance of control, I couldn't.

Edward leaned down and kissed the spot between my ear and my neck, and it was such a sweet but intimate place I felt it elsewhere.

My eyes had adjusted to the dark by now, and I could better see his face. I was happy, for the first time in a while, happy to bursting, but he was so serious, his eyes fastened on me.

"I love kissing you, too," he said, tucking my hair behind my ear.

I wanted to kiss him again, but the moment had passed. It was a lot to process. I'd be thinking about it all night as it was.

"I should go in," I said, stroking his cheek.

He nodded, letting me go. "I'll call you tomorrow."

"Okay."

One more kiss, little, nothing more than a meeting of lips, and then he left.

Shivering, I went inside and leaned against the door, completely overwhelmed. I realized my cheeks were wet. I knew they hadn't been before, and I was glad, because I didn't want Edward to think I was upset or freaked out.

Or maybe I was freaked out… in a really, really good way.

* * *

My grandparents flew out the next morning.

After breakfast, Dad drove them to the PBI airport and I helped my mother clean up. Once the laundry had been loaded and the dishes dealt with, I called Rose to see what she was up to.

Her parents were driving down to Jupiter to visit with Royce and Co, and Rose was expected to be there. She said she was going to try and convince Emmett to come along.

Alice was still holed up with Jasper. I mean, she spent most of the holiday with her family, but every spare second was spent with her boy. I didn't bother calling her, not wanting to interrupt. I knew how precious their time was.

And frankly, I was most interested in what Edward was doing.

He'd said he'd call me, but I jumped the gun and called him instead.

"Hello?"

"Hey, it's me," I said, toeing my bedroom door shut.

"I know," he chuckled. "I was just gonna call you."

"What're you up to?"

"Just had breakfast."

I eyed the clock. "At eleven thirty?"

"You wore me out last night, what can I say."

"Shut up," I laughed, loving the lightness between us.

"Why, what time did you wake up?" he asked.

"At like, nine. My grandparents left today."

"Oh, okay."

"So…" I paused, chewing my lip.

"Do you want to go to the beach?" he asked.

"Are you nuts? It'll be freezing!"

"So?" he huffed. "We'll bring blankets. And beer."

"We'll so get busted for drinking beer on the beach in the day."

"Blankets, then."

The thought was tempting; I'd been longing for the beach just the night before.

"Okay," I said after a minute.

"Good. I'll be there in twenty minutes."

"I thought you just got up," I said, jumping up. I still needed to take a shower.

"Just be ready."

"Okay."

He hung up before I had the chance to press him for details. I hurried through a shower and pulled my hair into a ponytail. By the time Edward showed up I'd put on my favorite hoodie, jeans, and sneakers. He was dressed pretty much the same. I'd always loved him in hoodies. I reached over and pulled the hood up, so it framed his hair and his face.

"I like when you do this," I said, remembering dark nights and sneaking in to windows.

He cast a quick look around and grabbed my face between his palms, kissing me.

"Ready?"

I nodded, only a little dazed.

"Mom, I'm going," I yelled.

"Okay," she yelled back, from wherever she was.

The weather was my favorite: cold and intensely sunny. The sky was clear and cloudless, robin's egg blue as far as I could see. There were a few people scattered around the beach. A couple of kids ran up and down the shore, flying a pair of brightly colored kites.

Edward and I had both brought blankets; he'd even brought pillows, which I teased him about.

"You're going to have sand in your bed later," I said.

The wind whipped my hair around my face, loosening my bangs.

"Small price to pay," he said, plopping down on to the blanket bed. He patted the spot next to him.

I sat down, careful not to kick up too much sand.

"Did you sleep okay last night?" he asked.

Smiling, I eased back on to a pillow. I had to admit, it _was_ ridiculously comfortable. "You could say that."

"Think about me?"

I rolled to my side. "That's a rather loaded question, don't you think?"

He grinned. "Maybe."

"So… what is this?" I asked, tracing my finger along a pattern on the blanket. "You and me, I mean."

"I told you… I want to be with you. In any way."

"I want that, too," I said, looking at him. His eyes were extra vivid in the outside light.

He nodded and rolled on to his back, folding his hands behind his head. I wanted to tell him I loved him, but it was way too soon. That was still a very private admission, one I'd made only to myself and sort of to Alice.

And besides, for all of Edward's gestures and words, I needed him to love me, too. Part of me was still guarded, even though that part was rapidly washing away like sand where the water breaks.

I rolled to my back, mimicking the way Edward was laying down and gazing at the sky. Despite the chill, the sun still shone warm and strong. I felt golden.

"I was prepared to wait it out, you know," he said after a while.

I stretched and kicked my sneakers off, wanting to be able to point my toes. "Oh, yeah?"

"Yeah. You're cautious these days."

I nodded. That was true.

"I felt selfish," I admitted. "Like, I wanted you around, but I wasn't ready to be around for you, you know?"

"But now you are…" It was an observation, not really a question.

Nodding, I watched him come even closer. I closed my eyes in anticipation of his mouth.

This kiss was playful and sweet, maybe because we were outside and there were people around. I found myself exploring and remembering his taste, his technique, the things he did with his tongue.

He pressed a kiss on that spot from the night before, below my ear but above my neck, and I gasp-groaned softly, loving it.

"You can't make noises like that," Edward warned, his eyes bright and burning.

"Why not?"

"Makes me think of other stuff," he said.

That made me think of other stuff, too.

"Then you need to be more careful how you kiss me," I said, rubbing my thumb over his bottom lip.

He reached around and loosened my ponytail, then pushed me on to my back.

"I'll be careful with _you_, but I won't be careful with how I kiss you."

* * *

_hope the new year is treating you right. ;) thanks for talking to me, guys. i love hearing from you. ramble on, bb's. ramble on. it makes me superhappy._

_again, this chapter marks the onset of pt 3._

**songs:**

**I Want You - Common**

**I Want You - Kings of Leon**

**I Want You (She's So Heavy) - the Beatles**


	21. Possession

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my betawife, nicnic. _

_in case you didn't see last week (i amended my a/n late) last chapter marked the onset of 'part 3'._

* * *

Going back to school on Monday was kind of a drag. I was still in vacation mode after nearly a week of not having to deal with early mornings or schoolwork.

And then there was Edward.

We'd spent most of Sunday at the beach, fooling around on the blanket and wandering the shore. I didn't want to let him go when it started getting dark, but it was Emmett's last night and they had a big family dinner planned. Edward tried to get me to come along, but I insisted he spend the time with just his family.

It was obvious that the Cullens had grown close once again, and I really valued that for Edward. I was tight with my parents and it meant a lot to me, especially as I got older. He and I had plenty of time to eat at each other's houses, especially if things continued progressing this way.

Edward called me later that evening. As usual, we spoke well into the night – until he started yawning, which in turn made me yawn.

Still, I loved these long, meandering conversations. We talked about everything, from people we'd known to the books we were reading. I usually one-upped him there, seeing as I worked in a bookstore and was constantly perusing the new shipments. All of the pieces kept falling in to place, tiny incidentals that made us who we were. I liked that he wanted to know the minutiae of me as much as I wanted to know it of him.

The mystery of him was being swiftly stripped away. While that was one of the things that had snared me when we were younger, it was satisfying to watch it dissolve.

He was real now.

* * *

"You're so spun," laughed Rose. She smacked my butt with a text book.

"What?" I smiled, looking at her.

"You. You've been in la-la land all day. Edward land," she amended, tucking the book in to her backpack. "I haven't seen you like this in a while."

I shrugged, not denying it. She was right, of course. Edward was constantly on my mind these days.

"You heading home?" I asked her. Rose had been staying after school lately, making use of the photo lab. It was her new thing – the year before it had been painting, and before that, horseback riding.

"I think so, yeah. I'm not really in the mood to stay. You working?"

We began making our way outside. "Yep. Back to the grind."

"I thought you drove?" Rose asked a couple of minutes later, sounding confused.

I glanced at her, frowning. "I did."

"So… is he just meeting you here, or...?"

A quick look at the parking lot explained Rose's questions. Edward was parked beneath a tree at the edge of the lot, much the way he used to. I half expected Jake to jump out from the passenger side or a gaggle of freshman girls to giggle their way over.

"Oh," I breathed, grinning moronically. "I didn't… he must have…"

"Well, I see the two of you have picked up right where you left off," snorted Rose, shoving me in Edward's direction. "Call me later."

"'Kay," I murmured.

He was leaning against the door, his hands jammed down in his pockets, smiling as I got closer.

The uniform: old t-shirt, same dirty Dickies, work boots. Maybe it was some primal, biological thing, but I really liked him this way, all sweaty and gross and hard-working.

"Hi," I said, pausing an inch away. "What're you doing here?"

"It was my turn to pick up lunch for the guys," he said, nodding toward the back seat where several bags of Boston Market sat.

I nodded, stepping forward again so that we were touching.

"I'm dirty," he warned, not making any moves to hold me just yet.

Securing my backpack, I leaned heavily against him until his arms slid around my waist. "I know."

Our lips touched, three times in succession. "I love you dirty," I whispered.

"I'd probably love you dirty, too." Smirking, he trailed his hands down my hips and up, letting me know what he was getting at.

I slid my hands in to his hair and kissed him properly, not caring that we were in a crowded high school parking lot. He smelled like sawdust and something metallic; I liked it. I linked my fingers behind his neck and kissed his cheeks.

He sighed and nudged my face to the side, kissing my ear lightly. "What are you doing later?"

"I have to work until eight… then I'm going home. Why?"

He eyed me, smiling lazily. "Why do you think? I want to hang out."

"I mean… I'll be home, but…"

"Want me to come over?"

My heart flip-flopped. "Like…sneaking in?"

He shrugged, nodding.

"Wow. _That_ would be a trip down memory lane," I mused, shivering as a brisk breeze blew by. The tree above us shuddered, releasing a couple of leaves.

I watched them flutter down, one landing on Edward's car.

He brushed his lips over my neck, tickling me.

Sure, I wanted him in my bedroom –but I was a little out of practice. I'd probably be too nervous about my parents to even enjoy his company. Besides, if his reasons for visiting were the same as they used to be, I wasn't so sure I was ready to take the plunge yet.

It was going to be hard to stop at kissing now that neither of us were virgins.

"I don't think you should sneak in," I said, pushing my hips against his before pulling away altogether. "Sounds like trouble."

He frowned, yanking me close again. "You don't want me to?"

"That's not what I said…"

"Mixed signals." His eyes shone mischievously.

"I learned from the best," I said, jabbing him in the chest.

Grinning, he tilted his head. "What nights do you have off this week?"

"Wednesday and Friday."

"Come over Wednesday, then. For dinner. And don't say it's a school night; that's the lamest excuse," he said.

"All right," I said. "Just make sure your mom knows I'm coming."

"Done."

"Now go, before your food gets cold," I said, kissing him quickly before turning to walk away.

I loved this feeling, this wide open space inside of me. It felt like possibilities, like amazing things could happen. Edward gave me that feeling; he was never predictable – not with his words, and not with his actions.

I loved him for it.

* * *

On Tuesday night, I was finishing up an assignment when a tap at my window startled the crap out of me.

I grabbed my phone and messaged Edward.

_Pls tell me that's u outside & not a psycho_

Through the glass of my window, the muted beep of his phone receiving my text could be heard.

Just like old times, I locked my bedroom door first and then opened the window. Edward smiled up at me. "Why can't I _be_ the psycho outside your window?"

Rolling my eyes, I stepped aside and motioned for him to enter. He climbed in and shut the window, looking rather pleased with himself.

"I cannot believe you're seriously back to this silliness," I remarked, sitting down on my bed.

He shrugged out of his jacket, letting it fall to the ground. "You love this silliness," he said, kicking his shoes off.

I bit back a smile. "Maybe."

He lowered himself on to the bed and pulled me close, nuzzling his face in to my neck. We rolled to our sides and lay still, quietly breathing.

"You smell like beer," I said eventually, hiking my leg over his hip. "And cigarettes."

"Was playing pool at Jake's," he mumbled.

"Mm." I closed my eyes and pressed closer so I could kiss his hair. It was soft and still cold from having been outside. "Tired?"

"A little."

"I wish you could stay here," I said, a bit wistfully. It would be so nice to spend just one night with him, to wake up with him in the morning.

"Don't your parents ever go out of town?" he asked, kissing me before I could even answer.

I kissed him back, pulling away before it got too deep. "Sometimes," I whispered.

"I really was on my way home this time," he said, almost whispering.

That was probably true; Jake lived a lot closer to me than Edward did.

I nodded, running my fingers over his almost-beard. "I'm glad you stopped by."

"Even though you told me not to…?"

"Even though."

He nodded, kissing me again. This time I let him inside; I always wanted the same things he did. I loved his touch, his taste, his smell, _him._ Kissing, his tongue sliding against mine was hardly enough; I wanted to feel all of him inside of all of me.

If I'd yearned for him before, when all we'd done was fool around, it was ten-fold now. I knew how good he could make me feel. But, like I'd told Alice the week before, it was so much more than that with Edward. I didn't want a hot screw in the dark.

Well, I did want it, but it wasn't all I wanted. I needed so much more from him, and unlike last time, I felt he could actually give it to me now.

He shifted against me, letting me feel how hard he'd become. "I better go."

Nodding, I sat up, pulling him along.

"I really don't want to," he added, standing. "But I'll be good."

"Thanks," I said, squeezing his hand.

We walked back to my window.

He started to slip back out, and then paused. "Remember the last time I was here?"

My stomach tensed; how could I forget? "Yeah. You… left your hat." I gestured to my bed.

He nodded.

"Did you leave it on purpose?" I asked, biting my lip.

He nodded again. "Do you still have it?"

"Of course I do. I had it hanging off my lamp for like, a year. I finally put it away, though."

"That was a pretty intense night," he said, finally jumping out on to the grass below. "You really messed me up."

"_I_ messed _you_ up?" I laughed incredulously. "Well… ditto."

His eyes softened, and he gestured me closer. I leaned down so he could kiss me.

"Night."

"Night," I said. It wasn't so hard watching him walk away these days. I knew he'd be back.

* * *

"Dinner with his parents, huh?" Mom smiled, looking up from her paperwork. "I'm impressed."

"Why?" I asked, though I already knew.

"Because he seems a lot more serious this time, a lot faster."

"We… lost a lot of time. I guess it feels like we're making up for it."

"Just give yourself time, Bella. You went through a lot with Garrett."

As if I didn't know that.

The thing was I no longer felt guilty or sad about the Garrett situation. Our last email exchange had been rather cathartic. For once his excessive busyness seemed like a good thing, for him anyway.

"I know," I said simply. "Anyway, I don't know when I'll be home, but it won't be too late. Promise."

My mother nodded. "Have fun."

"I will."

"And tell Mrs. Cullen her garlic mashed potatoes were incredible. She'll have to give me the recipe."

These damn potatoes had become a theme in my life. I laughed softly, kissing her cheek. "I'll tell her."

Edward picked me up around six. We stopped at the grocery store to get ice cream for dessert. Shopping with him felt a little domestic, very couple-y. I liked it, even when the cute little cashier got all flustered when Edward smiled at her.

"My mom loves your mom's potatoes, by the way," I said once we were back in the car.

"Yeah?" He pulled out of the parking lot and gunned it down US1, passing basically every other car on the road.

"I was wondering when you were going to get obnoxious with this car," I commented.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to go slow?" he asked, switching gears as we slowed for an inevitable red light.

My mind drifted toward the gutter. "I have an idea."

"I mean, it's not even like I'm in a rush half the time. I just like the way she feels when I push her."

"Oh…"

"And I really like the way she sounds."

He was totally doing this on purpose now. I gave him the side-eye.

He glanced at me and grinned devilishly, squeezing my thigh.

God, he was like a naughty little kid, always looking for a reaction. I probably should've found it immature, but instead I found it amusing.

"You need to stop," I said, grabbing his hand and holding it.

A couple of minutes later we turned down his street.

"Was your mom surprised when you told her I was coming over?" I asked.

Edward shook his head. "Not really. She really liked you … before."

Gladness swelled through me. Esme could be as intimidating as she could be accommodating, and it meant a lot that she approved of me.

He grabbed the ice cream from the back seat and we went inside. The house was just as I remembered, only it looked as if some of the furniture had been moved around.

Amazing cooking smells wafted out, making my mouth water. Edward took my hand and led me to the kitchen, where Esme Cullen was bending over the oven, an apron on over her business suit. She was such a study in contrasts: professional and yet really domestic. My mom was a lot more relaxed about everything, I guessed.

"Hi, Mom."

Esme straightened up, peeling the oven mitts from her hands. "Hi, guys!" She walked right over to me and gave me a hug. "I am _so_ glad you could finally make it, Bella."

"Thanks," I said, letting go of Edward so I could hug her back. "I've wanted to come; it's just been busy…"

"Don't listen to her, Mom," Edward said. "She just likes hearing me beg."

Esme laughed, rubbing my arm before going back to preparing the meal.

"I do not," I said to Edward.

"Yeah, you do." He smiled, nodding. "I probably deserve it."

"Dinner'll be ready in about ten minutes," Esme called over her shoulder.

"We'll set the table," Edward offered, grabbing the utensils from a drawer.

"Wow," I said, following him to the dining room. "Military school did you good."

He made a face. "Actually, I did this before military school."

"If you say so." I followed him around the table, placing napkins beside each place setting. "Is your sister here?"

"Yeah, she's probably upstairs on the phone or something."

Just then Katie appeared with a book in her hand.

"Hi, Katie," I said, almost shyly. Despite the fact she was younger than me, I really wanted her to like me. I knew Edward and Emmett were crazy about her.

"Hi, Bella," she said pleasantly. So she definitely remembered me. "What's up?"

"Nothing… what're you reading?"

Katie held up her book. "City of Bones."

"I loved those books," I gushed. "They're so good…"

"I know!" she gasped. "Jace is…"

"Hot."

"Oh my God."

"Aaand that's my cue," snorted Edward, pulling Katie's hair on his way back to the kitchen.

She brushed him off. "You know they're making movies, right?"

I nodded. "I saw that."

By the time we sat down to eat, we'd already dream-casted the movies. Katie was completely different from both Edward and Emmett, and I really liked her.

"You sitting next to me or your fellow Jace lover?" Edward teased, pulling out a chair for me.

"Oh, shut it," I said, smiling when Katie rolled her eyes and sat across the table. "They're good books."

"I bet."

Carlisle breezed in to the room, just as handsome as I recalled.

"Bella," he said warmly. "How've you been?"

"I'm great, thanks. How are you?"

"Ah, been better. I've been on the phone for the past hour, dealing with hospital politics. It never ends," he said, sighing. "Anyway, you're a senior now, right?"

"Yes, I am. Just a few more months to go."

Esme brought the last of the food in, and after a quick blessing, we started to eat.

"What school are you looking at?" Carlisle asked.

I listed my top five. "They're mostly around the Tampa area."

Esme glanced at Carlisle, and they shared a knowing look. "Funny, most of Edward's schools are in the Tampa area as well," she said.

"We tried to get him to consider a couple of schools down south, but he wasn't interested," Carlisle added, his eyes twinkling.

"There's nothing I want down south," Edward said. "For the tenth time."

I peeked over at him, but he was smiling.

Esme shrugged, also smiling. "Em's down south."

Edward nodded once. "Yup."

Carlisle chuckled, shaking his head. "Well. That's that."

Despite their gentle ribbing, Edward's parents seemed relaxed about his choices.

I felt a gentle kick under the table. Without looking up, I placed my hand on Edward's thigh. He curled his fingers around mine.

* * *

After thanking Carlisle and Esme for dinner, I waved good bye to Katie and left with Edward.

We didn't go far, just to his apartment.

Nervousness fluttered through me. We'd never been quite so alone, not since we'd started seeing each other again. We'd been dancing around getting too physical, but it was inevitable. I knew that.

"Do you want something to drink?" he asked, shutting the door behind us.

"Not yet." I patted my belly. "Too full."

He dropped his keys on the counter. "You want the tour?"

"Of the apartment?" I asked, amused. "I'm pretty sure I've seen it."

"Come on," he said, ignoring my comment. "This is the living room."

"And the kitchen."

"And the dining room." He glanced back at me, smiling.

We walked further back. "Here's the bathroom…"

"It's neat, for a guy."

"_That_ you can attribute to military school."

"Hm."

"And this is the bedroom," he said, pushing the last door open. It was a lot different than his old room; darker, with warmer colors. Like the bathroom, it was neat and tidy. I wondered if he'd cleaned it up in case I saw it.

Drawn to the huge bookcase lining one wall, I wandered inside. "Are these photo albums?" I asked, running my finger along the spine of one rather large book.

"Yeah…you want to look at them?"

"Do you have any of military school?"

"I do, actually. A lot of them were online, but I printed them out before moving back."

He sat on his bed, and I joined him, letting my shoes slide off so I could sit cross legged.

For the next hour he showed me photos of his life, junior and senior years. I saw a couple pictures of Tia, but always within a bigger group. Most of the photos were of him and his friends. The same faces popped up over and over, and he stopped often to share anecdotes of their shenanigans.

It was amazing just how much crap they'd managed to get themselves in to.

"You were almost as bad there as you were here," I giggled.

"No kidding," he said, closing the album. "I straightened up, though. I wanted that car."

"Of course."

"Of course," he mimicked, putting the book aside.

"How come there aren't more of your ex?"

Edward lay back, placing his hands under his head. "Is that why you wanted to look at pictures?"

"No." I grimaced, not wanting him to think that was the case at all. "I just wondered."

"We were already broken up; why would I need pictures of her?"

"She had pictures of you on her Facebook."

He scrubbed his hand over his face, laughing wryly. "And you have pictures of what's-his-name."

"First of all, not any more. And second – ha! You did look at my Facebook!" I cried triumphantly, poking his stomach.

He yanked me down by my hands and pinned me flat on the bed. "Of course I looked at your Facebook. Just because I hardly update mine doesn't mean I don't use it to keep track of other people."

"Stalker."

"Only yours." He leered suggestively.

"Ew," I said, but I brought him closer.

He lowered down and kissed me, pulling away when I started to kiss back.

"Stop teasing," I breathed, straining up to meet his mouth again.

Smiling crookedly, he leaned down and nipped my lip between his teeth. I slipped my hand up under his shirt, brushing my fingers along his warm, smooth back. His nibbling turned to full on kissing, and he rolled us over so I was on top of him.

Half of my hair was pulled back, and after a second his fingers loosened my hair tie.

"You're always doing that," I whispered against his lips.

"I like it down," he said, tracing his tongue along my lip before slipping it inside again. He'd always done sexy little things that. I clenched deep inside, wanting.

Somehow Edward felt the shift; I guessed I was slightly moving against him, because he grasped my hips and squeezed. I couldn't tell if he wanted me to stop or do it again.

"You feel good," I said mindlessly.

He smiled into our kiss and slid his hands up my shirt, caressing my back the way I'd been doing to him before. It tickled a little. Squirming, I broke away from his mouth and latched on to his neck instead.

"Shit," he groaned, practically writhing beneath me. "What are you doing?"

"Payback," I whispered, sucking the skin a little harder.

"That feels… really good… but you're…" He managed to get me away. "You're gonna leave a mark."

"I already did," I said smugly, thumbing the faint bruise. "You used to do this to me all the time, so –"

He sat up quickly and went for my neck so fast I shrieked. "Stop! Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry," I giggle-gasped, panting.

He went back to the spot he'd discovered days before, the one between my ear and my neck. His lips and tongue felt so good I melted against him, clutching his collar. His hand crept back up my shirt, grazing my stomach and cupping my breast.

_Oh, God._

I released his shirt and threaded my fingers through his hair, pulling him away from my neck gently. He let go with a wet pop, his eyes half shut.

"Tell me to stop," he said, massaging his thumb against my nipple. He pushed my bra down and did it again, this time touching skin to skin.

"Stop," I whispered, glad he'd asked. Because I didn't want to stop, but making out like this was a slippery slope.

Moving his hand away, he held me close.

"I want to," I said, kissing his chin. "But I want to work up to it. We just got back together, you know?"

"So we're together?" he asked, running his hands down the length of my hair.

"You tell me," I said, cocking my head. I wanted to hear him say it.

"Yeah."

"Yeah what?"

Rolling his eyes, he grabbed my butt with both hands and brought me even closer. "We're together. I want you to be" – he put his mouth to my ear –"my girl."

"Why?" I asked, smiling.

"Because… I love you."

My smile faded. I tipped forward, resting my head on his shoulder.

_Holy crap. I never thought I'd live to see the day._

"You know that, right?" he asked, his voice barely audible despite the fact his lips were inches from my ear.

I nodded. "Remember the time I came to your house? When you first told me you were being sent away?"

His fingers were back in my hair. "Mhm."

"I remember talking on your bed, and being so sad. Like I'd never been that sad. And I realized I loved you, but I didn't want to tell you."

"Why not?" he asked, stroking my hair again.

"Because there was no point. You were leaving."

His room was so quiet. There was no music, no ambient noise from the street. Just breathing; his, mine.

After a while I looked up. He cracked a smile and touched my forehead. "You have a red spot now."

I leaned up to kiss him, really softly. "I never got over you. Ever. I still love you."

Looking in to his eyes was crazy intense after that. I loved him so much my chest felt like it was cracking open. He had me now. In a way he'd always had some part of me, but now it was as if, cliché or not, he had my very heart in his hands.

Incredible how something so scary could be so exhilarating. He made me feel both not myself and more like myself than I'd been in… forever.

When he touched his lips to mine, it felt like a promise.

No urgency, no desperation. I could have kissed him all night like that, discovering his mouth and letting him discover mine. It was different now.

Because it was love now.

* * *

_thank you for each review. you guys make a gal feel special. plus, it's just fun hearing people's opinions..._

_baby's kicking like crazy. guess he's saying hi._

* * *

**songs:**

**Possession - Sarah McLachlan**

**Are You Gonna Be My Girl - Jet**

**My Love - Justin Timberlake**


	22. Crush

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks nic. love._

* * *

Sometimes I did homework at my desk, other times on my bed. This was a bed night, mainly because Edward was with me. He shifted impatiently next to me.

He'd come over for dinner and was now bent on distracting me from my studies. He'd brought a book along, saying he'd just read it until I was finished with my homework, but every time I looked up from my pre-cal he was looking at me.

The door was open, though, so there wasn't exactly much we could do but study and read.

"What?" I asked, smiling as I jotted down the answer to number twelve.

"How much more of that do you have?" he asked, craning his neck to see my notebook.

"Like… ten more."

He yanked my book and pencil away.

"This is all I have left to do," I protested, trying to get my stuff back.

He angled away and hunched over, writing something down.

"What're you doing?" I knelt above him and peered down. He'd already answered the next problem. "Edward, I know how to solve these."

"I know you do, but this'll be quicker."

"Edward." I tried to each around him but he held me off, still writing with his free hand.

"Shh," he said.

Rolling my eyes, I stood and stretched, satisfied at the cracking sounds my joints made. "I told you I had homework tonight, but you didn't want to listen…"

He scribbled away furiously, ignoring me.

I looked at my notebook again. Just five problems to go. It had taken him a fraction of the time it would have taken me. "Show off."

He grinned, never taking his eyes of the paper.

Whatever. I flopped back on to my bed and watched him, luxuriating in the still-new closeness and ease we shared. It had been just one week since he'd told me he'd loved me.

Since I told him I loved him.

One week of phone calls after dark, our quiet conversations rambling from one thing to another.

One week of him sporadically dropping by the bookstore, staying just long enough so I knew he was thinking about me.

The weekend had come and gone in a flurry of togetherness. Suddenly I was right back at where we'd started, years and years before, feeling like it was never enough. I always wanted to kiss a little more, hang out a little longer, be a little more alone.

Still, it was fun being around our friends, like old times. They seemed to take Edward and me in stride, as if our being together was no big surprise. I'd told Alice and Rose about the things Edward and I had said to each other, and so I could only assume that Edward had told Emmett and Jake. On Friday, when we hung out at Jake's, no one even blinked when Edward held my hand or when we chose couch canoodling over playing pool.

It was amazing how quickly things could change in a week.

"What're you thinking about?" Edward asked quietly.

"Stuff." I rolled to my side and grabbed my notebook. All of the answers were, of course, filled in. Smiling, I shut the book and sat up. "Thanks."

Shrugging, he tossed my pencil on to my desk. "No more, right?"

"No more."

"Let's do something."

I was about to argue that it was a school night, and that my parents probably wouldn't let me go, but I realized they hadn't pulled that in forever.

"What did you have in mind?" I asked, putting my books in my backpack and zipping it.

"Let's just drive."

I loved being in the car with him. It still had that new car smell, and windows so dark I felt protected and hidden from the world. It was so private.

"Okay… let me just ask my mom," I said, freeing my hair from its ponytail.

My mother was already turning out the kitchen lights.

"Hey Mom," I said, hesitating in the doorway.

She smiled tiredly. "Hey, honey. "

"I'm just gonna go for a drive with Edward, if that's okay."

She raised an eyebrow, looking pointedly at the stove clock. "Now? At nine o'clock?"

"Yeah." I could have explained, I guessed, but I didn't feel like it. I wanted to be alone with my boyfriend, period. Even if just for a while.

I doubted any of this surprised her, anyway. She'd seen the changes lately, noted the silly smiles. I was pretty sure she sometimes by mistake on purpose overheard bits of my phone calls to Alice or Rose, too. We'd talked about it a little, but she knew to sort of leave things alone, and I appreciated that.

She frowned, and I could almost see the wheels turning. "All right," she said eventually. "But not too late. It's –"

"A school night. I know, Mom."

"Homework's done, right?"

_Guilty!_

"Yup."

"Okay. Tell Edward to drive safely."

"He always does," I said, turning to go.

"Yeah, right," she huffed. "In that car?"

Smiling, I returned to my bedroom, where Edward was nosing around my dresser.

"Ready?"

"Yeah," he said, picking up a bottle of lotion and smelling it. "You smell different, I noticed. Than before."

Nodding, I walked over to the dresser. "Yeah… I stopped wearing that other stuff."

"Why? I liked it."

"Oh, you don't like the new stuff?" I teased, tugging him closer by his hoodie.

"Yeah, I do…"

"Did you know that the sense of smell is like, the strongest memory trigger?" I asked.

"I didn't know that, but it makes sense."

"Well, the other stuff reminded me of you. So much. I took it out to put on one day and it was like a punch in the stomach."

He looked both fascinated and troubled by this information. "Are you serious?"

"Yes. It was crazy. I gave it to Jessica."

He grimaced. "Remind me not to go sniffing around Jessica."

I punched his arm lightly. "That was a really long time ago."

"Yeah, I guess it was." His eyes searched mine. "Doesn't always feel like it, though."

I nodded, thinking about how true that was. It was hard to believe how quickly the time had passed; it seemed almost compacted now.

"So is your mom cool with you leaving?"

"Yeah, she is. She said to drive safely."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I always drive safely."

"Ha, that's what I said. She didn't believe me."

He walked out ahead of me, looking around. "Where is she?"

"Um, probably her room…"

"Good night, Mrs. Swan," he said loudly, through my parent's bedroom door. "Thanks for dinner."

Mom poked her head out, smiling wryly at the two of us. "Anytime, Edward."

"Bye Mom." I kissed her cheek. I could the rush of water going, further back where my dad was probably taking a shower. "Tell Dad I said bye, too."

"Bye. Don't be late. Take care of my daughter, Edward."

"I will," he said, taking my hand.

She smirked, but I thought I could see a glimmer of something else on her face.

She was happy because I was happy, I could tell.

* * *

"You said you wanted to go for a drive," I snorted when Edward pulled in to his driveway.

"We did go for a drive," he said, his eyes dancing. "A five minute drive."

"Mhm," I hummed, not exactly surprised. That was okay, though. Alone time was what I'd craved, and it didn't matter where we had it or what we did.

Well, okay, it mattered what we did.

"I'll admit, I love how your car feels," I said, sighing a little as we got out. "It's very… sexy."

"I know," he said, running his hand down the hood. "That's why I got her."

"I love how you refer to the car as a she. That's very male of you," I remarked in amusement. "Does she have a name?"

"Nope. Just 'her'."

"Ah, okay."

Edward unlocked the door to his apartment and we went inside.

Not counting car rides, we hadn't been this alone since the week before. Nerves prickled through my belly and outward, making even my fingertips feel almost tingly.

"I just wanted to be alone with you," he said, as if he were listening to my thoughts. He ran his hand over my back.

"I know, I miss being alone with you too," I said softly, leaving my shoes next to his by the front door.

"Thirsty?"

"Actually, I am. What do you have?"

Edward leaned into the fridge. "Water, beer and strawberry Fanta."

"You still drink Fanta?" I laughed. "Wow. Memories."

He nodded, taking a can out. "You want one?"

"Sure."

He gave it to me and took one for himself.

Normally I wasn't into such sugary sweet stuff, but tonight I just couldn't resist. He motioned for me to follow him, and we went in to his room, where he plugged his iPod into its dock.

I set my soda down and settled on to the bed, wondering if we were going to talk or skip straight to making out.

"I like this sweater," he said, sitting beside me. "It looks good on you."

"Thanks." I glanced down. It was a blue cashmere v-neck I'd gotten for my birthday couple of months prior. "I like it, too. I love the material."

Edward reached over and touched it, rubbing the material between his forefinger and thumb. "It's soft."

I nodded, watching him, waiting.

He leaned forward and kissed the skin revealed by the v-neck, several little kisses that made me shiver.

I wound my fingers through his hair, noticing the new light streaks. "Dinner went well. I'm glad you could make it."

"I had to do it sooner or later," he joked, earning a hair tugging from me. "Seriously, though, it was fine. Your mom's a straight shooter, but your dad's the scary one."

"He behaved tonight, though."

"Yeah, he was cool. Does he know about me?"

He turned his face from my skin and gazed straight at me. I loved those eyes, always had.

"About what happened before?"

He nodded.

"He knows you were in military school, but he doesn't know the details behind why. " I shrugged. "My mom didn't find it necessary to indulge all that at the time. Besides, he never knew how much I cared about you; it was mainly my mom, you know?"

Edward nodded, tipping forward and kissing my chest again. He stayed there this time, his breath tickling my cleavage. "So you're close to her?"

"I'm close to them both, but in different ways. My mom's definitely easier to talk to. I don't know if it's because she's a middle school teacher or what, but she just… gets it. My dad's more hardcore about certain things. I mean, he's a cop. If my mom's the one helping shape young minds, then my dad's the one dealing with the aftermath when stuff goes to shit later on. Two ends of the spectrum."

"Makes sense."

"Yeah, it does," I said quietly, still playing in his hair. "Anyway, he likes you. It's fine."

"Good."

"Good," I mimicked, tugging at his hair again.

His eyes met mine and he sat up, kissing my mouth. I lay back, taking him with me, wanting his weight, his wholeness. All of our kisses had been cut short lately, due to other people or curfews or whatever, and I wanted to just lose myself in him, in us.

He allowed himself to be pulled, easing his way to my side as we kissed. His hand slid just up under my sweater, his fingers cold against my stomach. I shivered a bit, but pressed closer, not wanting him to move.

I guessed he felt the way I did, because he shifted on top of me, pushing his way between my legs. His hand wandered further up, grazing my bra.

Our kissing became more aggressive, open mouths and searching tongues. He dragged his mouth to my neck, licking and sucking my skin. That was always my undoing; I was way sensitive there, and he knew it. I liquefied inside, my muscles relaxing like I was melting right into his bed.

He cupped my breast the way he'd done the week before, only this time he didn't pause. Pulling the cup down, he thumbed my nipple. I jerked against him, my mouth half open in silent surprise.

"Can I take it off?" he mumbled into my neck.

"The sweater or the bra?"

"Both."

My heart sped up. Really I wanted everything with him, but I also wanted the gradual build up. I lived for the anticipation of it, not just sex, but everything else too.

"Yeah," I said, both hesitant and craving.

"Yeah?"

I nodded and arched up a little so I could unhook my bra. Edward helped me sit up, and then he pulled my sweater up over my head. I helped him slide my bra off, and we put it aside.

Edward hadn't seen me this way for a long time. In a way, he'd never seen me like this. I'd changed since fifteen; I'd filled out. His eyes drifted to my chest and didn't look away, and I was warm all over. I lay back down and he came with me, his fingers drawing circles around my nipples, tracing the underside of my breasts and along the sides. I almost felt a little self conscious at the way he was staring, but I liked it too. He looked… fascinated.

I wanted to fascinate him. I wanted him to always look at me this way, like he was hungry and I was something to eat.

His touch gave me goose bumps and made my nipples hard. Smiling slightly, he leaned down and sucked one in to his mouth.

_Warm warm wet warm._

Inhaling sharply, I dug my hands in to his hair. His tongue felt so good, and my body curved and rose on its own, seeking closeness. I wrapped my legs loosely around him, caught between the pleasure of what he was doing, and yearning to kiss his mouth again.

He let go of one nipple and moved to the other, circling his tongue around it.

"C'mere," I whispered, more than a little turned on.

"I love your body," he breathed, dipping down to kiss my belly button before coming all the way back up.

I smiled. "It loves you too."

He kissed me again, his tongue deep in my mouth. I tugged at his hoodie, and he backed away to take it off, along with his t-shirt.

When he lay back on top of me, it was skin to skin. Shuddering in relief, I kissed his ear and the side of his face, running my lips along the start of his stubble. God, I didn't know how I'd dealt with this before, this missing, this so very intense longing. I supposed I'd pushed it out of my mind, pushed it to the deepest parts of my heart. He'd been my whole world once. Maybe we'd been young and thoughtless but we'd also been golden, learning-loving in the most rudimentary way.

Now, abruptly, Edward was right back in the center of my universe, and he was everything.

Every time we moved, I re-felt his skin. I ran my hands up and down his back, touching his muscles and bones, the grooves and dips. He cradled my face between his hands, holding me still as his mouth learned mine.

We kissed that way for awhile, tongues and lips and necks and ears, soft and wet and deep and good. He snaked his hand down, maneuvering it so that it was just beneath my jeans.

"I want to touch you." He paused then, not with the kissing, but with his hand. I knew he was waiting for me to stop him, but I wasn't going to – not this, not now. I wanted to feel what he could do to me, even if we weren't going to go all the way.

I unbuttoned my jeans and then ran my fingers through his hair, letting him do the rest. He pulled away from our kiss and pulled my zipper down, his eyes never leaving mine as he worked my jeans off.

"Just touching?" I asked. I knew once we had sex we'd never go back, and right now there were other things we could do to be close.

He nodded, tossing my jeans aside.

I shivered again, cold, and he peeled the comforter open, nodding for me to climb underneath with him. He kissed me slowly. The shift was subtle, but it was there. His movements became sensual, and he slid his fingers down my stomach and in to underwear, finally touching me.

Gasping, I tightened my grip on his shoulders. It all came crashing back to me, yet again, the crazy intensity of how he made me feel, inside and out. My body, yeah, but… my heart.

I kissed him feverishly, pushing up against his hand. He slipped his fingers inside of me and back out, working them the way we both knew he wanted to work me. Breathing heavily, he pushed his face against my neck, sucking. I moaned, incoherent with sensation, moving against his hand, closing my eyes to the brightness of feeling.

He'd leave marks on my neck; I knew but I didn't care. What he was doing, up there and down there, was so good it disconnected me from rationale.

"I love you," I whispered, sounding breathless and desperate even to myself.

"Love you," he said, finally letting go of my neck.

His fingers moved faster, and he brushed his thumb in circles on my clit.

I came and he kissed me hard, almost biting my mouth. He withdrew his hand and pushed his hips against me, showing me how hard he was, even through his jeans. Eventually I pushed him on to his back and went for his buckle, wasting no time in getting his pants off, boxers and all.

If he was surprised at my aggression, he didn't show it. I wrapped my hand around him and started to move it, all the while kissing his neck the way he'd kissed mine. He tangled his fingers in my hair, almost pulling it.

"Feels… so good," he groaned, bringing my face to his so he could kiss me.

It didn't take long for him to come. Maybe it was because I was better at hand jobs, or perhaps it was just sheer horniness, but before I knew it he was really, really hard and warning me that he was right there. I watched him spill all over my hand, curiously aroused by it.

"Shit," he said, grabbing his t-shirt and wiping my hand and his dick. His chest rose and fell rapidly, and I rested my head on his chest, wanting to feel his racing heart.

After awhile his breathing slowed, as did his heartbeat. He shook, and I realized he was laughing.

"What?" I sat up, grinning.

"I'm naked. Except for my socks. You have no shirt and your hair's crazy."

I inched off of the bed, completely unabashed about my bare boobs. "Yeah, I should probably fix that before going home…"

Grabbing my bra and sweater, I went in to the bathroom to wash up.

He was right. My hair looked liked birds could be nesting in it. My cheeks were splotchy and red, but not as red as my lips. I touched them, leaning closer to my reflection.

Edward appeared behind me, smiling lazily at me in the mirror.

I smiled back, biting my lip as I put my bra back on. He clasped it for me, and then watched me put my sweater on.

"When's your next night off?" he asked, blocking the bathroom doorway.

I ran my fingers over his abs, watching them contract involuntarily. "Friday."

* * *

He kissed each of my eyelids before getting out of the driver's seat.

"You don't have to walk me in," I told him. He shut the door, ignoring me.

I was weightless and unable to tame my perma-grin; definitely post-orgasmic stupid.

He met me in front of his car and slung his arm around my shoulder.

"Yeah, we didn't have to get each other off, either, but we sure did that."

"Shush," I said, still all smiley.

"I have to do stuff tomorrow… I don't think I'll be able to see you," he said, leaning against my front door.

"It's okay." I shrugged, and then slid my arms around his waist. "Maybe I'll actually get some studying done."

"Maybe." He gave me one last, lingering kiss. "So, Friday?"

Nodding, I fished my keys from my purse and opened the door. "Friday."

"Bye."

"Bye."

He pulled me back, kissed me again, and then let me go. I shut the door between us, waiting until I heard the growly rumble of his engine before tiptoeing to my room in the dark.

I'd showered earlier, right before Edward had come over for dinner, and now I was glad. It was late, much later than I'd anticipated, and I was exhausted. Going to bed late and waking up early sucked, but it was worth it if it meant more time with Edward.

My mom wasn't waiting up for me the way she would have been back in the day. It was kind of nice, knowing she trusted my judgment.

Leaving my clothes in a heap on the floor, I climbed into bed and snuggled deep.

I'd just left him, and already I couldn't wait to see him again.

* * *

Rose's stepfather worked at an esteemed law firm in downtown Stuart. His firm was associated with larger one down in West Palm, and every year the two threw a fancy joint holiday party. This year it was being held at the Marriott on Hutchinson Island, a gorgeous hotel set on a golf course with the beach on the other side.

The party was on Christmas Eve, and as usual Rose was expected to attend. Her parents said she could bring a date, though, and a few friends if "she so chose". Needless to say she jumped on that and now Emmett was her date and Edward and I were the friends. Alice had been invited as well, but she couldn't go. The Penas had a longstanding tradition of going to midnight Mass as a family, and it wasn't something Alice could get out of.

I was actually surprised my own parents hadn't put up more of a fuss when I'd mentioned it. Normally we spent Christmas Eve together, baking, drinking eggnog and watching old movies. When I was little, we'd set aside cookies for Santa, complete with a glass of milk. Nowadays we just ate the cookies, and in more recent years I'd even started spiking my eggnog, just like they did.

Anyway, Mom said as long as I was home for Christmas Day, she didn't mind what I did the night before. Part of me mourned the loss of tradition; this was my last year living at home and I was already becoming nostalgic. But another part of me was excited about the party; I'd watched Rose dress up to go every year, and now I was getting to go, too. I'd need a dress.

I didn't regret anything about my high school experience; I'd had a pretty ideal time of it, complete with friendship and love and all that good stuff. I'd gone to prom twice in a row, both times with Garrett.

But if there was one thing I felt I'd missed, one thing I craved, it was to be somewhere special with Edward. I knew we'd just barely made things official, and that we had plenty of time to get to all that, but I yearned to be the girl on his arm. I wanted to dress up for him, and for him to dress up for me. I wanted to dance with him, and feel high, and let him undress me later.

Needless to say, I had big plans for Christmas Eve. Yeah, I'd always been a sucker for stuff like that, and while what Edward and I had was organic and followed a natural pace, this was one thing I was bent on waiting for. I wanted it to be special. Years before we'd planned to "do it on my birthday" – or his— so it wasn't anything novel or new, exactly.

I told Rose this one Saturday when we were dress shopping at some boutique in Palm Beach Gardens. Apparently Martin County wasn't good enough when it came to playing dress up.

I followed Rose around, trying not to cringe at the prices.

"Is there a clearance rack?" I whispered, fingering the tulle on a princess-looking gown.

"Yeah, back there," she said absently. "But don't change the subject."

A pretty red cocktail dress caught my eye. "This would look pretty against your hair," I murmured, gently plucking it from the rack.

Rose took it from me and held it to her body, nodding. "This is nice… I'll try it on. Anyway, so now… what about Edward? You're making the poor guy wait? Still?"

I rolled my eyes. "Oh please, Rose. 'Poor guy' he is not. He gets plenty of compensation."

Which he totally did. Letting him touch me that one Wednesday night had completely changed the nature of our making out. We still touched and kissed, but things progressed rather quickly from there and now we used our mouths to make each other come.

"Yeah, I guess he does," Rose snickered. She loved details, and if I'd had enough of her silly rum n' coke, I usually ended up giving them to her. "So you're going to seduce him on Christmas Eve."

"More like give in to him. To us."

"You're such a romantic," she groaned. "We need to find you a Cinderella dress."

"Ew, Rose, no."

"What about that one?"

I looked to where she was pointing.

The dress was strapless and short, rose pink on top and grey on the flared skirt, a deep pink sash with an off center bow in the middle. Normally I wasn't a huge pink lover, but this dress was pretty perfect.

Rose smirked at my expression, and marched right over to the mannequin wearing the dress. "Excuse me?" she asked a sales associate lurking nearby. "My friend would like to try this one on."

Fifteen minutes later, I left with the dress and rather substantial hole in my checking account.

* * *

Edward thought I was holding out for New Year's Eve. He'd already begun plotting, trying to figure out if we should go all out or stay low key. I stopped him when he began talking hotel suites.

"Why don't we just go the marina and watch the fireworks?" I asked him.

"Yeah, we can do that I guess," he said, frowning. I smirked inwardly. He had plans, did he? Well, so did I.

We were parked at the beach, eating Dairy Queen dipped cones and watching the sun set.

"Do you ever wonder," I began, nibbling at my ice cream, "if they ever mess up and drop the whole thing in to the chocolate?"

"I asked them that once," he said, grinning.

"What'd they say?"

"It happens sometimes, and they have to toss out that chocolate and refill it."

"Huh." I watched him polish his off and wipe his hands on a napkin.

He caught me staring. "You better eat that before it starts dripping," he warned, eyeing his precious leather seats.

"God forbid." I took a huge bite, hoping it didn't result in brain freeze.

"Let me help," he teased, reaching for my cone.

"No!" I cried, turning away from him. "You just had yours!"

"You're already making a mess."

Shrugging, I went to town on that cone until it was gone.

Now Edward was the one staring. "You're doing that on purpose."

"What?" I reached gingerly into my purse, searching for the hand wipes I knew I had in somewhere in there.

"Licking and sucking."

I found the wipes. "Oh yeah?"

"Yeah."

I glanced sideways at him. He had that horny glint in his eye.

Before I could respond with some sort of joke or snark, he crossed over to my side over the car, holding himself above me. He stuck his hand in the space beneath the seat and pressed the button that lowered my seat. We stared at each other as we floated down, all the way down, until I was lying as flat as the seat would allow.

Gazing up at him, I wiped a smidgeon on chocolate from his lip. He was the best thing I'd ever seen.

Suddenly he pressed another button, jerking my seat further back. He got on to his knees and ran his hands up my legs, pushing the long, flowy skirt I was wearing up past my thighs so that it was all bunched up in my lap.

"What're you doing?" I asked breathlessly, knowing _exactly _what he was doing. "Is it even comfortable down there?"

A jolt of nervousness ran through me as I considered our surroundings. Granted, his windows were tinted really dark, and there had been no one around the whole time we'd been parked, but still.

But then he hooked my panties to the side and put his face between my legs, kissing my inner thighs. He kissed closer and closer until he kissed the best place, and I slid my fingers in to his hair, letting him love me.

Thank God Christmas was less than a week away.

* * *

_thanks you for each and every wonderful review. gracias. merci. ank-thay uo-yay. much love, many kisses to you all._

_**songs:**_

**Crush - Dave Matthews Band**

**Stellar - Incubus**

**Ice Cream - Sarah McLachlan**


	23. Connect the Dots

All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization.

thanks to my babycakes, nic.

* * *

My hands were in dough but my mind was elsewhere. There was something soothing and mindless about handling dough, so I found myself in la-la land more often than not while working alongside my mother. We did a lot of baking at this time of year – making cookies and preparing Amish friendship bread starters to give as gifts.

At the moment we were making sourdough bread for Christmas morning, just two days away.

I loved the holidays, unabashedly. At the bookstore I heard it all – both the excitement and the cynicism – and while a part of me understood the latter I was most definitely the former. I guessed it had to do with my upbringing. Christmas had always been a really special time for my family, full of warmth and food and togetherness. I knew it wasn't that way for everyone, and in that regard I felt really lucky.

"You just about done, there?" Mom asked.

I snapped out of my reverie and glanced at my hands. Yeah, I'd been kneading for awhile.

"Yep. Should I …"

She motioned for me to let go of the dough and then she took over. Whereas my mother was… rather… _ambitious_ when it came to cooking, she was actually great at baking. The two were totally different, chemistry wise, and I was beginning to see I took after her a little.

I began wiping down the counters and loading the dishwasher while my mother got the loaves in to the oven. Alice was expecting me in about forty minutes – so we could make a last minute run to the mall — and I still hadn't showered yet.

"Thanks honey," Mom said, yawning against the back of her hand. Like me, she was on winter break, but she'd been baking and shopping like a lunatic.

"No problem. You should go take a nap."

She nodded. "As soon as these are out of the oven, I will."

"'Kay. I'm gonna get ready and go."

"Be careful out there," she said. "People are crazy at this time of year."

* * *

"What about this one?" Alice shoved her wrist underneath my nose.

I grimaced, caught between a sneeze and a headache. Talk about sensory overload. If I smelled one more lotion, I'd hurl. "For you or for your Mom?"

"Me! I already bought her perfume; she wears the same stuff year in and year out."

I took another sniff. "I like it, but it kind of smells like the first one you picked out."

"Really?" Alice held both bottles of lotion in her hand, her eyes flickering from one to the other.

"Just get both," I suggested, desperate. "They're on sale, anyway."

"I already bought three. This is just an extra."

My shopping bags were getting heavy. We'd been at the mall for about two hours, and Bath and Body Works was _supposed _to be our last stop. Of course, we'd been there for going on thirty minutes because Alice couldn't decide between stupid _Warm Vanilla Sugar_ and _Brown Sugar and Fig_.

"My arms hurt, Alice. I'm gonna go sit at the Borders coffee shop."

She mock-gasped. "Borders? Isn't that consorting with the competition?"

"Anyway. Find me when you're done," I said, already heading toward the door.

Borders wasn't that much better, noise-wise, but there were empty seats at the coffee shop. I bought a bottle of water and sat down, content to check texts until Alice came.

"Can't stay away from bookstores, huh?"

I looked up at the familiar voice. Garrett was standing in front of me, wearing the same grey hoodie he'd been wearing the night we'd met.

"Hey, you." I smiled up at him, not sure how I felt about seeing him so suddenly. It caught me off guard, even though I should have expected the possibility. It was, after all, Christmas – of course he was home.

Part of me wanted to give him a hug, but another part of me felt like it was too soon for that. By the looks of how Garrett was standing, a few feet away with his hands in his pockets, maybe he felt the same.

"How've you been?" he asked, his eyes shifting away from me.

"I've been good," I said. "Busy. You?"

"Busy," he said. He laughed then, and so did I, because wasn't _that _the truth. He was the busiest person I knew. "It's good though. I'm heading out in about two weeks."

"To England?" _Duh, Bella. Where else?_

He nodded.

"Wow," I said, biting my lip. "That was fast…"

"Not fast enough," he said, laughing again. It was a rueful laugh, though. He looked vulnerable.

My stomach twisted with nostalgia and affection. I still cared about him, even if it was different to how I'd once felt. Looking away, I fingered the keypad on my phone.

"Anyway, I just… I saw you here, and I thought I'd say hello, so… hi." He smiled, and it was a real smile.

"Of course," I said, standing up. _Ah, frig it. _I gave him a quick hug. "I'm glad I got to see you before you left."

"You too, Bella. You look good."

He squeezed my hand and walked away before I could respond, leaving me slightly shell shocked.

Not one part of me regretted anything I'd done with regards to Garrett – not the falling in love or out of it, but things were still messy. That was life, though, and I had to deal with it. Not everything could be tied up with a neat bow.

My phone vibrated with a text; Alice was paying and would find me momentarily. When I looked back up, Garrett had already disappeared in to the crowd.

I couldn't say that seeing him had brought complete closure per se, because things were still a little raw, but it had seemed like there were no hard feelings between us, and that felt good.

Alice found me minutes later, her face slightly flushed from rushing. "Ugh, the line in there was cray-cray."

"I know, I saw it before I left," I murmured, standing up and looping my bags through my arms. "You'll never guess who I saw."

"Who?"

"Garrett."

Alice winced. "How did that go?"

"A little awkward, but not bad. I'm kind of glad I got to see him before he left the country."

"How'd he look?"

I shrugged. "The same."

She nodded, and we started walking toward the exit. "Do you think he still… like, misses you?"

"Yeah." I sighed, bracing myself for the cutting chill that had descended the night before. "But whatever, you know? He'll…probably have girls falling all over him over there."

Alice snorted. "They'll love his American accent."

They'd probably love a lot of things about him.

I smiled at Alice, loving that she always had my back, regardless of my decisions or moods. Of course, she often told me like it was, too. But she got it. She got _me_.

"No regrets," she said.

I shook my head. "Nope, none."

"Oh, by the way…" Alice dug in to one of her shopping bags and tossed me a bottle of lotion, grinning. "I got you one, too."

* * *

Unless I was about to eat it, I never wanted to see another cookie again. I stood and stretched, eyeing the piles of packages Mom and I had just finished wrapping.

"I'm going to bed," she said, already halfway to her bedroom. "Don't forget to lock up."

"I won't. Night, Mom."

"Night."

Once all of the lights were off and the doors were double checked, I escaped to the sanctuary of my bedroom. I wondered what Edward was up to. He'd told me that he was dropping Katie off at the movies and that he'd call me when he got home, so I assumed he was still caught up.

I was in the tub when my phone rang from the bath mat.

Wiping my hand on a towel, I managed to answer without dropping the phone in to the water.

"Hi," I said.

"Are you home?" he answered.

"Yeah… I'm taking a bath."

"That explains why you can't hear me at the window."

I leaned forward to drain the water from the tub. "You could always call ahead, you know, like a normal person. I could just meet you at the door."

"I like the illicit nature of sneaking in."

"You just like reliving the glory days. Give me a minute; I'll be right out."

I tossed the phone aside and got out, hurriedly wrapping a towel around myself.

My room was freezing: Dad always turned the heater off before going to bed. It made sense – Florida's winters were hardly brutal – but still. A little warmth would've been nice.

Edward smiled when I lifted the blinds and opened the window.

"Looks like I had good timing," he remarked, hoisting himself inside. He closed the window and turned to me, running a finger down the droplets of water on my arm. "Naked and wet."

"Not for long," I said, kissing him quickly. "Let me put something on."

He yanked at my towel, pulling it off. "Nope."

"My dad just went to sleep," I warned, not trying too hard to cover myself. He'd seen it all, anyway, bits and pieces here and there.

"Don't you get tired of waiting?" he asked, pulling me to bed.

He kissed me, licking and biting playfully at my mouth.

Yeah, I was tired of waiting. How he kept himself from pushing the sex issue I didn't know. We didn't exactly make it easy in ourselves – especially lately. All of our dates ended up in make out sessions…in the car, on the beach, in his room… which led to touching and sucking and whatever else we felt like doing.

"Yes." I kissed him back, slowly.

He sat me on his lap and lay back, still tugging me along.

"What're you doing?" I whisper-giggled, slightly amused that I was buck naked while he was still fully clothed, down to his jacket and sneakers.

He positioned me over his face.

_Oh!_

There was no teasing, no tentative starter kisses on my thighs. His tongue was everywhere, and so were his fingers. This was _really_ naughty. I held on to my headboard, trying not to straight ride his face, but it was difficult, especially when I came.

Shaking a little, I inched back down to I could see his face. He wiped his mouth and leered at me, looking damn satisfied with himself. Leaning down, I kissed him. "That felt really good," I whispered, biting his bottom lip.

"Good," he said.

I reversed down his body. Took his sneakers off, and then his jeans. His boxers I just pulled lower enough to free his dick. I glanced up at him. He was sitting up on his elbows, watching me. He always watched when I went down on him. I liked it.

* * *

"I got us a room," Edward said, later that night. "For New Year's."

We were eating ice cream on my bed. He kept saying he was going, but then he'd stay longer. I was glad; I wanted him close.

"Okay," I said, rolling my eyes in amusement. "Where?"

"The Inn at Tilton Place."

I was familiar with it; it was right downtown.

"It's a bed and breakfast," he added, winking.

"Can't wait," I said, winking back.

He thought he was so clever. Spending the night together could only mean one thing. Little did he know I was planning to jump him a week earlier than he anticipated.

"I'm excited about tomorrow," I said, changing the subject.

"Yeah, it should be fun. They always have a ton of free liquor and food at things like that."

"And," I said pointedly, "I got a really nice dress."

"Nice." He gave me a sidelong glance, smiling. "Can't wait to see you pretty in pink."

"How'd you know I was wearing pink?" I huffed. "Did Rose tell you?"

"Please, Bella. You're a walking John Hughes movie."

"I am not!" I laughed, hitting him with a pillow. "And I'm surprised you even know who that is…"

"I'm just messing with you," he chuckled. "Yes, Rose told me. She wanted my tie to match your dress."

"Oh." I nodded, liking that idea.

"I'm going. For real this time." He walked to my window, pulling me in for a kiss. "See you tomorrow, around eight."

* * *

With the exception of military school photos, I'd never seen Edward so dressed up before.

I stood like a goof in the doorway, taking in every aspect of how good he looked. His tie was a perfect match to my dress.

His face reflected the reverence I felt, and he gazed appreciatively back, from my hair to my dress. He put his palm to my cheek before dropping a kiss on the corner of my mouth.

"You're perfect." His whisper gave me goose bumps. I took his hand and brought him inside so we could say goodbye to my parents.

"I love your suit," I said, looking him over once again.

"Thanks. It's probably the last time you'll see me in it."

"Shut up," I laughed, punching his arm.

"Wow, you two cleanup well," my father said, coming out of the kitchen. "Edward." He extended a hand.

"Hello Mr. Swan. Thank you, Sir" Edward said, shaking his hand.

My mother had long given him permission to call her Renee, but Dad had done no such thing. Typical.

My mother insisted on taking pictures of us. I indulged her for a few minutes before reminding her that we were going to be late if we didn't get going.

"Call me if you drink too much," Dad grunted.

"Thanks, Dad," I said sarcastically, kissing his cheek.

"Just keeping it real," he said, smirking. Even my mom made a face at that one.

"And that's our cue to leave," I said, shaking my head. "Bye, guys."

The roads were still pretty busy, but it didn't take long to get to the Marriott. Edward pulled in to the drive, where he relinquished his keys to the valet. I'd put a cardigan on when we'd left the house, but I took it off now, leaving it in the car.

"I really do like this," Edward said, running his fingers down my arm as he looked at my dress. "It makes me want you even more."

"I feel the same way," I breathed, tugging his lapel. "About this."

We smiled moonily at each other.

"Finally!" Rose's voice broke through the syrupy-sweet. "_OhmyGod! _It looks even better on!"

"Thanks," I laughed, giving her a hug. "You look gorgeous."

"Thanks." She smoothed the front of her dress. "You're not half bad yourself," she told Edward.

Emmett sauntered up with a cup in his hand, his tie looking a little loose. He and Rose looked like they'd both started to party already.

"Come on," Rose said, grabbing my hand. "There's a live band."

We stayed until midnight.

The party was exactly as I'd imagined, full of wealthy people our parents age, dressed to the nines and acting like lushes. It was pretty entertaining. I loved champagne, but I tried not to over-indulge. I wanted to be lucid when I seduced Edward.

Let him seduce me. Whichever.

Rose's parents introduced us to some of their close friends, and for the rest of the evening Rose and I had older men asking us to dance, mostly for laughs. I danced a couple of times, much to Edward's amusement.

The real star of the show – for me anyway – was the chocolate fountain. An entire buffet table was set up with skewers, little plates, and an assortment of things to dip in the chocolate. I was on my sixth strawberry when Edward wandered up to me and rested his hand on my back.

"You want to head out soon?"

I nodded, gazing up at him. The champagne had me feeling effervescent and flushed, in a really good way.

"Want a strawberry?" I asked, holding the last one on my plate up to his mouth.

He took a small bite and got chocolate all over his lips.

"You're supposed to hold it steady," he said, eyes narrowed. "You gonna kiss it off?"

"Not in front of all these people," I said, using my napkin to wipe his mouth. "We can go, though."

He nodded, taking my hand. After everything we'd been through, the feeling of our fingers locked was enough to make me feel mushy and ridiculous inside.

Rose spotted us coming and stood from her chair. She'd long taken off her shoes, complaining that they hurt her feet.

"I think we're gonna go," I said, kissing her cheek.

"Cool." She nodded, gesturing toward Emmett, who was deep in conversation with some old guy sporting a handlebar mustache. "Soon as he finishes up, we're leaving too."

"'Kay."

"Did you have fun?" she asked, giving Edward a small hug.

"So much fun," I said. "I'd kill for one of those chocolate fountains. I couldn't leave this one alone."

"I'll keep that in mind," she said, making an amused face.

We said our goodbyes and returned to the lobby, where we gave the valet our ticket so he could get the car.

Edward drove leisurely back to Jensen Beach, one hand on my thigh. His thumb stroked my skin every now and then.

The streets were peaceful, empty. We stopped at a light.

He reached over, running his hand down my cheek. "Am I bringing you home?"

I shook my head slowly. "Not yet."

He smiled faintly, nodding.

My shoes were a little uncomfortable, so like Rose, I took them off.

We rode the rest of the way in a pleasant almost-silence, just soft songs playing on the radio.

At his house, Edward opened my door for me and helped me out of the car. Leaving my shoes in the car, I shrugged my cardigan back on and walked barefoot across the driveway and up the stairs, nervous by the gravity of what we were about to do.

This was a big deal to me, always had been.

"I'm glad we came back here," he said, taking his jacket off and hanging it over a chair. "I have something for you."

I put my purse on the counter and followed him in to his bedroom. He picked up a small bag and gave it to me. "Merry Christmas."

Regardless of what it was, I knew I'd love it because it was from him. Smiling, I reached inside and pulled out a smaller, velvety bag. I emptied it in to my palm.

My breath caught. It was gold bracelet, delicate and small.

"You don't really have any jewelry… none that I've seen, anyway, so… when I saw this, I thought it would be pretty on you…" he rambled, taking the bracelet from me and clasping it around my wrist.

"I love it," I said, admiring it how it sparkled in the dim light of his room. "Thank you."

"You're wel –"

But then I was kissing him, pressing as close as I could get, snaking my arms up around his neck.

He hugged me tightly and kissed back, winding his hand through my hair.

I walked him backward until he was next to the bed. "Happy Birthday, Edward."

I could tell the exact moment he clued in to what I meant because he grinned slyly, his hands finding my zipper and pulling it down. "But my birthday's in June."

"Doesn't matter," I said, shivering between the sudden coolness on my back and Edward's warm mouth on my neck.

The dress fell with a quiet poof, landing at my feet. Edward was already loosening his tie so I got to work on unbuttoning his shirt. He finished before I did and took over, kissing me again.

He wasn't touching me anywhere other than on my lips, but already I was tense and trembly, my nipples hard, my stomach tight, my heart beating fast and for him. He pushed me back on to the bed and came with me, and the feeling of all that bare skin made me yearn.

"Love you," he whispered, covering me with his body, kissing me before I had the chance to respond. We kissed for awhile, slow, open kisses that almost made it hard to breathe.

He ran one of his hands down my side, trailing his fingers across my skin, grabbing gently, almost tickling. I opened up a little more so he could really rest against me, but he slid his hand inside my underwear and touched me instead.

What he was doing felt good, so good. I moved with him, putting my mouth to his ear. "I want you inside me."

"I want to be inside you," he said, backing up so he could take my panties off.

I watched him toss them aside before he got rid of his own underwear. He got a condom from the night stand and rolled it on, stroking himself as he watched me.

I wrapped my legs around his waist and pulled him close, pushing my hips into him. He groaned and pushed back, lips leaving my neck and trailing kisses to my breasts. My eyes rolled back slightly when he took a nipple into his mouth, tonguing it while running his hand over the other one.

And then he was inside.

"Finally," he whispered, so quietly I almost missed it.

"Don't go slow," I said, pulling him in deeper with my heels. He felt so good I nearly cried.

He leaned down to kiss me. "I won't."

He started moving faster, his hips hitting the inside of my thighs with every thrust. I brought my legs higher and he put one over his shoulder, making me gasp with how deep he could go.

I stared up at his face, at the fine sheen of sweat on his forehead. He looked so serious, so intense, and it made me love him even more. I couldn't believe that after all this time we were finally here, together this way. It was almost surreal.

"I love you," I told him, overwhelmed.

Letting my leg down, he flattened himself against me, kissing my face. Being so close made me feel like I could come and I pressed my hand down on his back, holding him where he was.

But then he pulled out abruptly and went down on me with such ardor I almost started giggling. I felt like his favorite dessert, and it didn't take long at all for me to come, with the way his mouth and fingers were coaxing it out of me.

Even as I was coming he got on to his knees and yanked me closer, opening my legs and entering me that way. For a moment there was only the sound of breathing, and our skin hitting. It was our first time, but I knew when he was about to come. His eyes closed, his breathing quickened, and he thrust so hard we moved up the bed, knocking a pillow to the floor.

He groaned, slowing so that he was hardly moving. "Oh_, God."_

I pulled him down and wrapped myself around him, needing him close.

But he resisted, kissing me briefly. "I gotta take care of this." He pulled out and got up, leaving me shaky and sore. And cheesy-happy.

My legs collapsed flat. Edward came out of the bathroom and got back on to bed, resting his head on my chest. "I'm addicted to you now."

"Good," I said, pushing my fingers through his sweaty, messy hair. "It's mutual."

"I'm gonna need it all the time."

"Maybe I'll need it all the time, too," I teased, pulling playfully at his hair.

He rolled off of me and scooted up so that we were sharing a pillow. Looking in to his eyes after we'd been so physically close was something new. Maybe it wouldn't have changed things for other people, but it changed them for me. Edward had already claimed a huge part of me, and now I felt like there was no turning back.

That was a little dramatic, I knew. But it was how I felt.

"I've wanted to make love to you for so long that I can't believe we finally did it," I admitted, feeling my already flushed skin go scarlet.

He touched my face, no doubt chasing the blush on my cheeks. "Is that what we were doing?"

"Yes," I said, trying to contain my smile.

"Felt kind of hardcore," he teased, trailing his hand down to my breast. "You wanted me to pound you."

"Shut up," I laughed, batting his hand away. "You wanted it…"

"Yeah, I did," he said, his eyes shining. "I'll always want it. I'll always want you." He put his hand flat on my chest, like he was looking for my heartbeat.

My heart did that squeezy thing it tended to do when Edward got romantic. "I'm glad," I said quietly, touching his chest the way he was touching mine.

"Best birthday present ever, by the way," he said with a sigh.

I laughed a little, loving him so much it ached.

* * *

_thanks for the tweets, messages and reviews! i appreciate them more than you know. _

* * *

**songs:**

**Unthinkable - Alicia Keys**

**Connect the Dots - Spill Canvas**

**Crash - Dave Matthews Band**

**Doin' It - LL Cool J** _(just couldn't resist... bwahaha... if any of you are too young to remember this song you need to youtube that shizz.)_


	24. Midnight in a Perfect World

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks nic, for your time, love, energy, and epic sweetness._

_we're in the home stretch now, guys._

* * *

I remembered vividly the first time we fooled around in the day time.

It was the first time we'd _really_ fooled around, with our clothes off. Seriously, how could I ever forget it? It had been one of the single most intense moments of my life up until that point

I remembered it in Technicolor: the sights, the sounds, his scent, his taste.

We'd been in his room, lazing in bed after smoking. In my memories everything was golden, lit up by the early afternoon sun streaming through his windows.

Now, years later, some things were the same, but others were different. We were still in his room, but it was a different room – the apartment. There was less sunlight, but only because his windows faced a different direction.

It was early morning. Birds chirped outside, very Disney even though what we were doing certainly was not. He'd picked me up as soon as he'd woken up. Neither of us wanted to waste time, I guessed. We hadn't been able to get away from family on Christmas Day and now, after having been teased with a taste, we were horny and desperate.

We hadn't been smoking, but we had been drinking strawberry Fanta. I didn't think I'd ever be able to drink that stuff again without having a physiological reaction to it. It _was_ the sugary sweet incarnation of Edward's kisses – heck, his seduction.

But the best difference was that now he was inside me, and I was on top of him, and we were moving slow-rhythmic, like lazy waves. I didn't want to stop; he'd said after our first time he was addicted… well, I was addicted now too.

I looked at his mouth, a little open, and there was his tongue, stained silly and red. He had a tiny bit of stubble and his Adam's apple bobbed when he swallowed. Constellations of freckles dotted his neck and chest and, like the lovesick girl I was, I adored even them. His hair was still a little darker than it had once been, but it had gotten a lot longer since he'd returned home. I couldn't wait for summer, for the sun to make gold our skin and hair, to give me freckles that would match his. I couldn't wait to love him outside, maybe on top of his precious car, and definitely inside of it. Maybe we could christen our favorite beaches, with extra towels and blankets of course because there was nothing sexy about the thought of getting sand _up there_.

His eyes were pretty, always had been, but the way he looked at me now made them even prettier. It made it hard to really look into them when we were joined this way, made me so aware of the falling feeling. I thought he felt it too, because when I finally let myself make eye contact with him he blinked and pulled me down to kiss me.

I linked our fingers and pushed his hands up over his head. When I pulled away from our kiss he stared at my boobs, inches from his face, and pushed up in to me, letting me know he was tired of the slow pace. I sat up again, rolling my hips against his, and he reached up to hold my breasts. With both hands.

I laughed.

"What?" He grinned, squeezing.

"Feels like you're checking grapefruit at the store."

Sitting up somehow, he replaced his hands with his mouth. I didn't feel so playful anymore and I groaned, tangling my fingers in his hair. I loved how his tongue felt.

His playlist ended and started over.

He eased me off of him and rolled us over so that he was on top again.

"Ready?" he asked, smiling down at me.

"For what?" I wrapped my arms around him.

"For more," he said, pushing his way in. "For me."

His eyes were closed but mine were open, and I watched him for a second. Sometimes the way he moved was purposeful, like there was a method to his madness. Keeping his body flat against mine, he ground against me, totally lost in what he was doing – which turned me on more.

I let my eyes close. I was going to come, and I really wanted it to happen when he was inside me. He started moving faster, like he knew. I squirmed beneath him, holding him right where I wanted him, willing him silently not to change it up just yet.

I came, crying out, but he was the one who groaned, pushing his face in to my neck.

"You feel so good," he whispered, driving in to me over and over, harder, faster.

I felt like jelly, wet and formless. So good. A little sore, but I didn't want him to stop. It was the kind of sore that felt good while doing it and then hurt later, like his body was leaving a calling card. I knew it, and I didn't care. There were already tiny twin bruises on my inner thighs from Christmas Eve, from his hips hitting them repeatedly. I hadn't noticed them until I was in the shower later.

"Hold still," he panted after a second, putting his palm on my abdomen to stop my hips from undulating. Our eyes met. He sucked his lower lip in to his mouth and started moving again, slowly this time. "I almost came."

"So?" I grabbed his face and kissed him, sliding my tongue in to his mouth, penetrating him the only way I physically knew how.

He kissed me back, just as deep and messy-good. "So I wanted to hold off," he murmured, not moving his mouth away from my mouth.

Holding off was good. Keeping on was good, too. Going and finishing and going again afterwards were good. At this point, it was _all_ good.

"Okay." I brought him in for another kiss, gentler this time, sweeter.

_I love you._

I felt him smiling, and that made me smile.

* * *

Apparently Esme had hot cider. I hadn't had that in forever, and when Edward told me she had actual cinnamon sticks too, I begged him for some.

After taking a shower, we made our way over to the main house to poke around the kitchen. His parents had taken Katie down south to visit friends, but Esme had left a note on the counter saying there were leftovers and sandwich fixings in the fridge. I blushed, knowing she knew I'd been in the apartment with Edward.

It didn't matter how old we were, things like that were always a little embarrassing.

"So why don't you have food in _your_ fridge?" I asked, swinging my legs from atop my bar stool.

Edward shrugged, holding up two types of bread. I pointed to the rye.

"I was running out anyway, but then Christmas came and it's been nonstop feeding ever since."

"Nonstop feeding?" I giggled. "That makes you sound like an animal, feeding at the trough. Or in the Serengeti."

Edward made a face, and then smiled. "_My mother _has been feeding me nonstop."

"Oh, okay." I nodded knowingly.

He rolled his eyes at my teasing, and began cutting slices of meat off the Christmas turkey.

"I'm surprised none of your family came down for Thanksgiving or Christmas this year," I said, hopping down to grab a bag of chips I'd spied in the pantry.

"Yeah, I know. Usually they would come here or we'd go up to Chicago but things were kind of hectic this year. I saw 'em last year, anyway."

"Oh, you went to Chicago?"

"No, the whole family came to New York; my Dad's side. My grandma lives about forty minutes away from Uncle Alec, and we had both Thanksgiving and Christmas at her place. I saw people I hadn't seen in years."

"Do you have a big family?" I asked.

"Huge. And they're real New York Irish so you can imagine how rowdy it gets …" he chuckled, capping the mayo and mustard.

"That's awesome," I said.

He looked so at peace, talking about his family. It made me feel good he'd had that while being away; he hadn't completely been disconnected from everything or everyone that mattered. It also made me a little wistful because I'd missed those years.

Edward put a sandwich in front of me, and I poured chips on to both of our plates.

"Do you ever miss it?" I asked.

"What, New York?"

I nodded, taking a bite.

"Not really. I mean, by the time I left it felt like home but… not like Jensen Beach. I miss Alec, though. He wants me to come up for Spring Break."

My heart skipped, and not in a good way. I couldn't deny that the thought of him leaving – especially for New York – made me a little clingy, even if it was only temporary.

"Are you gonna go?"

He shrugged, swallowing. "I was going to ask if you wanted to come with."

Now I felt sheepish. My heart skipped again, but in the good way this time.

"Depends," I said.

"On what?"

"Money, my parents…you know my Dad. He's still pretty protective."

"Yeah, but you're eighteen. He can't exactly stop you."

"I know." I nodded, wiping my mouth with a napkin. "But that doesn't mean I want to throw it in his face, either."

Edward smirked. "So what's he going to do when you go to college?"

"Ha! Good question." My parents hadn't been too clingy yet, but I had a feeling that might change as my move-out date drew nearer. And then I wouldn't have been surprised if my father insisted on routine check-ups or something after the fact.

Oh, jeez. I hoped it didn't come to that.

We ate quietly for a couple of minutes. I glanced over my messages and returned a text Alice had sent.

"So if your Dad was cool with it and the ticket wasn't a problem, you'd go?"

"Of course I'd go. I'd love to see where you'd been hiding all that time," I said. "Can we go see your school, too?"

He nodded. "It's right there. We can go. I can help you with your ticket, since I'm inviting you."

"We'll see." I kicked his leg playfully. "Thanks, though."

* * *

Edward dropped me home around midnight.

I'd never spent so much time with him, except maybe the time we all went to Orlando years before.

It was hard to keep my hands off of him. I knew we wouldn't always be _this_ touchy-feely and giddy, but it felt pretty damn good. Edward and I fit; it was easy to be with him, even with the constant crackle of sexual tension. Maybe especially because of it.

He kissed me at my door and waited until I was inside before leaving.

The light was on in the kitchen, and for a moment I wondered if my parents were mad at me for staying out all day with Edward. Hesitantly, I made my way toward the quiet hum of voices.

"Bella?" My father leaned back in his chair, peering at me as I walked in.

"Hey," I said, pausing. He looked upset. "Everything okay?"

"Have a seat, baby," Mom said.

Heart pounding, I sat, wondering what on earth was going on. "You're freaking me out," I said, not bothering to control the wobble in my voice.

"Gran had a stroke today," Dad said. "We just got a call from Aunt Shelley a little while ago."

I'd been checking my phone all day; they hadn't even called to tell me. "I would've come home earlier…"

Mom shook her head slightly. "We just found out, Bella."

Stunned, I sat back in my chair. We'd just seen Gran at Thanksgiving. "Is she…?"

"She's stable, but she's in the hospital and will be for a couple of days. Mom and I are thinking of flying out. We think you should come. We don't know how bad things are, or how Gran's recovering but… you never know."

I nodded numbly. "Of course. When do we leave?"

My mom pointed to her laptop. I hadn't even noticed it.

"Probably tomorrow; I'm looking at fares now. It won't be a long trip. Daddy can't get too much time off work."

That sucked. I couldn't imagine her or Dad being sick and me being too tethered to a job to be able to stay with them. But that was life, I supposed. Suddenly a wave of anguish washed over me, and I rested my head on my hands.

I knew Gran and Gramps were old, but it had always been sort of an abstract thing. My mother's father had died when I was little, but other than that I was lucky enough to have three living grandparents. Gran had always been the one I was closest to.

Something broke in my chest and the tears came.

* * *

I texted Edward as soon as I got in to my room.

He texted back a couple of minutes later, saying he was sorry and that he hoped the trip went okay. He made me promise I'd call in the morning.

I texted Alice and Rose next. I hadn't seen them in a couple of days, and now it would be another few before we could hang out. Rose didn't get back to me, but Alice did. I could practically feel her sympathy through the words on the screen. She called a second later and we spoke in hushed whispers for a while.

When we got off the phone I turned the light off and lay awake, staring at the fading glow of my ceiling stars. Life was so this way, bubbly and wonderful one second, sobering the next.

A text came through while I was falling asleep; I almost didn't check it but I was so glad when I did.

It was from Edward, saying he loved me.

We ended up flying out early in the morning. I barely made it on to the plane and once I was buckled in, I promptly fell asleep. The next three days were a complete whirlwind.

For one thing, I hadn't been to Washington State since I was thirteen. Whereas my mother came from a big, rambling family in Florida, my father's family was a lot smaller and very tight knit. My Aunt Shelley met us at Sea-Tac airport and we made the drive to the Seattle suburb where my grandparents had lived for over sixty years.

Gran was still at the hospital when we arrived, so after dropping our luggage at Shelley's we went to see her. I'd tried to prepare myself for what I might see, but seeing my grandmother so pale and tiny freaked me out. She napped a good bit, and when she was awake, what little she managed to say was slower, slurred. She was also partially paralyzed on the right side of her body.

The doctors that spoke to us explained that Gran's stroke had actually been somewhat minor, and that with therapy and rehabilitation she would be able to regain most of her speech and motor function. This would take time, obviously, but it gave us hope.

At least, it gave _me_ hope.

I did my best to maintain outwardly, but on the inside I was panicking. I couldn't even imagine how my father felt, and I kept glancing at him, looking for clues on how to act and feel.

My grandfather seemed stoic about things, but every now and then I caught him grabbing Gran's hand, like he was begging her without words. That was the kind of thing that ripped me apart inside. I could see a lot of my father in Grandpa.

Eventually I went in to the hallway. We'd left so early in the morning I hadn't the time to call Edward, and I wondered if he was thinking about me. Clear across the country, we were now several hours behind Florida.

"Bella?"

"Hey…"

"How's it going? How is she?"

I sighed, slumping in to an empty seat. "She's out of it. But the doctors are saying in time she'll be able to speak properly and get around again. It's just… I don't know. Seeing her like this sucks."

"Shit."

"I know."

"She'll be okay, though?" His voice was soft, tender. It made me wish he was with me.

"That's what they're saying. They said it wasn't too major of a stroke."

"Well… that's something. How's your dad?"

I yawned, rubbing my eyes. "He's the same as usual. I mean, he's definitely worried but he's okay. I think he feels better now that we're actually here and he can see what's going on himself."

"That makes sense."

We talked for a couple of minutes, and then my mother came out of the room to sit beside me.

"I should go," I told Edward, missing him already.

"'Kay. When do you come back?"

"The thirty first…I think we land at seven or eight."

"I'll be there, if you need me."

"I'll need you," I promised.

I thought I heard him laugh quietly. "Then I'll be there. Bye, Bella."

"Bye," I said, turning toward the wall a little. We disconnected, and I felt a little disjointed and empty so I sent him a text.

_Wish you were here._

* * *

By the time we left Seattle, I was emotionally drained.

It had been good to see family, just sad that it had been under such crappy circumstances. Gran had shown progress, which was amazing, but she was still nothing like what I was used to. She still didn't talk much, and many times I'd see her eyes following us as we conversed and moved around, a look of confusion etched into them. Seeing her now, it was hard to think of how she'd been at Thanksgiving. I had to accept that it might be a little while before she was that way again, if ever.

I took two Tylenol PMs and slept most of the way home.

Before any of this had happened, Edward and I had discussed New Year's plans, but now I wasn't really in the mood to party. I was in the mood to see him, though, and I'd called him during our layover in Phoenix to make sure that I would.

My parents weren't too thrilled that I was leaving for the evening, but they were too tired to put up much of a fight. I kind of didn't care, anyway. They had each other to lean on; I wanted to go find comfort with the person _I_ loved.

I took a shower and packed an overnight bag, making sure to leave a note on the kitchen table. Hopefully my parents would understand my need for respite, even if just for an evening. Besides, I'd stayed out to watch the sunrise on New Year's past, so my being out all night wasn't too strange.

Edward picked me up at nine thirty.

I met him on my front porch, sinking in to him with a weariness I hadn't known in a long time.

"Glad you're back," he said.

"Me too," I said, wrapping my arms around him tight.

"Is she gonna be okay?" he asked, even though we'd discussed the possibilities and probabilities a couple of times over the phone already.

"In time, I think," I said, walking down the steps with him.

"Are you?"

I grabbed his hand, squeezing it. "Yeah."

In the car, he turned to me. "So, I almost got you flowers, but that seemed kind of cheesy so I got you these instead." He dropped something in to my hands.

Sparklers. I laughed out loud, glad for the lightness of the moment.

"Katie loves those," he said, smiling. "There are supposed to be fireworks over the water tonight, but we can stay in if you don't want to watch them…"

"No," I said, resting my hand on his arm. "I want to. It sounds perfect."

"Good. I got champagne too."

"Okay, _that's_ cheesy," I teased.

"You like champagne."

"I love it."

"I know."

"Where are Em and Rose? Are they coming out tonight?"

Edward nodded. "They're going out tonight, but I told them I'd let 'em know. I thought you'd want something quiet."

"I do," I said quickly. "…want something quiet. I wouldn't mind seeing them, though."

I missed the girls. I'd missed all of them. Being away, far from home – especially under the circumstances – had been even more difficult than I'd anticipated. I'd known the trip would be rough, though; it wasn't like I was going on vacation with my parents.

And yet, this whole sense of mortality had settled in to my bones. It was sort of morbid, really. I remembered being a kid and watching a sitcom where one of the character's grandparents had died. That was the first time I'd truly considered death, and it had terrified me. Over the years I kind of got used to the idea, but then again I'd never had to encounter it too personally.

Gran wasn't dead, and I was thankful and relieved that there was hope for her, but the entire situation had left me feeling vulnerable and raw. Like I was growing up too fast and there was nothing I could do about it.

Part of me yearned for the freedom that came with adulthood, while another part mourned for the loss of feeling safe and parented. And not only that, but the feeling of being part of a whole: family, community, everything. Jensen Beach was my "whole" and soon I would be gone.

"Talk to me," Edward said, squeezing my thigh the way he always did in the car.

"Just… thinking. Too much."

"Never thought I'd hear _you_ say that," he teased, glancing over at me.

"Gran's stroke really kind of... threw me off. I mean, obviously… life's like that. Things happen, you know? It's just making me realize how much things are changing. It's so easy to float along and just go for the ride, but when stuff like this happens it forces you to look at just how far you've floated."

"Like falling asleep on an inner tube."

I laughed at the random image. "What? Yeah. That would suck, though."

"That happened to Emmett a couple years ago," chuckled Edward. "We were at this Fourth of July thing off the Sandbar, and he had too many beers and he just passed out. You know how crowded it gets out there. We didn't even know he was gone until someone asked and by then… he was a dot in the distance."

"You're kidding me."

"Nope." Edward's smile faded. "It's a funny story but in reality it could have ended really badly. He was grounded for a month."

"Wow." I shook my head. "And the moral of the story is… don't drink and float?"

Edward snorted. "The moral of the story is shit gets real when you're not paying attention."

I nodded, thinking about that.

"Things change, Bella. We usually don't want the change, but if we fight it things change for us anyway. I didn't want to leave when I left. Now I can't imagine what would've happened if I'd stayed." He looked at me. "Not that there's any comparison to this."

"I know," I said. Tears prickled at my eyes. I didn't want to be sad tonight, but it was there, lingering at the edges. "I'm just getting used to it."

He cupped his hand around the back of my neck, scratching softly against my hair line. It felt really good, soothing.

"I thought about you when I was away," I admitted, resting my head back. "I kind of wished you were there with me."

He nodded, parking the car and turning it off. We'd arrived at the inn.

"That's when I realized just how important you are to me, Edward. I don't like being away from you, and that's probably not healthy."

"_Now_ you're over thinking things," he said, smiling. "Just let it be."

"You always did like to go with the flow," I said, sighing.

He twisted to face me, his face serious. "I need you, too. Why do you think I'm going to school in Tampa? UT's a good school, a great school, but there are other great schools in other states. I was forced away from you once and it sucked. But I have a say this time. Shit's not going down the same way twice."

I couldn't look away from his eyes even if I wanted to. And I couldn't speak if I wanted to, not with the lump in my throat. Had Edward always been this way, and only now he was voicing it? Or was it personal evolution, something that had changed over the years?

Maybe I'd ask him that one day.

"I'm not making the same mistakes Garrett made," he said, smiling darkly. "I'm not stupid. I know you two had something real for awhile, but I also know that he screwed up when he started leaving you all the time."

"Maybe it wasn't meant to be with me and him," I said quietly.

"Oh, I know it wasn't. But that doesn't mean I'm gonna do the same crap and expect different results. Look at what happened when _I_ left you. We still fell apart."

I grabbed his hands "We were too young, anyway."

"Probably. But you said you loved me, even then."

"I did."

"So?" He shrugged. "Trust me; I've thought about this a lot. I used to think serious relationships were kind of scary. Like, why would you limit yourself? And not even with just girls, but … with everything? Why?"

I grinned, remembering his free agent days. "Yeah, why would you?"

"It's easy to have opinions on things when you have no idea what you're talking about," he said, grinning back. "Let's just say I get it now."

He opened his door and I opened mine, welcoming the brisk, briny air. I loved being so close to the beach. Suddenly, I couldn't wait for the fireworks to start. I was glad I'd made the decision to spend the night with Edward. I needed the break; I needed him.

We grabbed our stuff from the trunk and began walking toward the inn. Edward had checked in already, so we were able to go straight to our room, which was nice.

"I've always gotten it, by the way," I said, extra silly-smug, dropping my bag and sweater coat on to a chair. "I'm glad you get it now."

He shook his head, smirking as he took his jacket off. "It's ten. I'm calling Em to see where they're at."

Nodding, I kicked my shoes off and lay back on the bed.

Just words, but words could mean so much. I'd been teasing, but I really was glad Edward "got it" now. It felt good to not be alone in wanting, needing, hoping.

A couple of minutes later, he hung up and flopped down next to me. "He and Rose are some party in Stuart. They'll be here around eleven thirty so we can watch the fireworks down by the bridge."

"Did he say if Alice and Jasper were with them?"

He shook his head. Not surprising; Alice and Jasper were usually off doing their own thing. I missed her, too. I was definitely feeling very needy, craving the presence of the people I knew best.

"Lemme call her," I murmured, grabbing my phone.

Alice's phone went straight to voicemail, but as I started leaving a message another call came through. I frowned at the unfamiliar number but switched over anyway.

"Hello?"

"Bella, it's me. My phone's dead so I'm on Jasper's." She paused. "How was the trip?"

"Oh, hey girl. Um… the trip was okay. Gran's recovering, but it's going to take time."

"Did you get to spend time with her? Could you?"

"A little. It was hectic, and everyone was always around so I didn't have a lot of alone time. It was good though."

"Good. Glad you're back."

"Me too." I sighed, switching gears. I wanted to relax, and just _be._ "What are you up to, tonight?"

"This thing at his parent's. Are you guys going out at all?"

"I'm staying with Edward downtown. We're watching the fireworks at midnight… can you come? I miss you."

"Aw, I miss you too. And I love fireworks. Hold on." I heard her talking to someone else – presumably Jasper – and then she got back on. "For sure. You guys'll be by the bridge?"

"Yeah. Rose and Em are meeting us at eleven thirty."

"Okay. See you then."

I tossed my phone aside, feeling for the first time in days like all was well in my world. I loved this feeling, even if it was generally fleeting.

Edward was doing something on his phone, so I waited patiently until he was finished.

He knew I was watching him, because he started to smile. "What's up?"

"Let's do it."

He put his phone down and turned to me, resting his hand on my hip. "How can I say no when you proposition me like that?"

"We all know the real reason you got us a room. Come on."

"Yeah, so I could wake up to you."

"More like so you could wake up _in_ me," I said, razzing him on purpose.

He looked at my mouth and kissed it. "Maybe."

I hooked my leg over his and pulled him closer, kissing him.

It was slow this time, for-real making love. No moving around and new positions, just him inside me and me around him.

Different than just scratching an itch. More like, gluing ourselves together. Always that slightly scary but exhilarating feeling of falling a little more, in a good way, a best way.

* * *

I shared my sparklers with the girls and with Emmett, who insisted he get one too.

The fireworks were every bit as magical as I'd hoped. They always were. No matter how many times I saw them they always took my breath away and made me stare in wonder, thanking God and lucky stars for such impossible, beautiful things.

Edward and I had polished off our champagne while wrapped naked in sheets, so now we were drinking the beer Emmett had brought along.

It was all so simple and good, the perfect flip side to my three day crisis; calm and relaxed, time spent with friends.

The explosions of color in the sky.

Alice's predictable gasps, Rose's tipsy giggles.

The snarky commentary of all three boys.

Edward's fingertips tickling against my own.

I gave him a sloppy kiss on the cheek. Maybe things were changing, but I trusted that he and I would stay this way, even when the year was over and we had moved someplace else together.

He kissed my ear back, just as sloppy.

* * *

_i got to reply so many reviews this time! only missed a few! i'm getting there... thanks for the love, ladies. and men, if there are any men reading. somehow i doubt that, but..._

_

* * *

_

**songs:**

**A Drop in the Ocean - Ron Pope**

**Beautiful World- Coldplay**

**Midnight in a Perfect World - DJ Shadow**


	25. Come Close to Me

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to by betawife nicnicd, the darlingest._

_2 more chapters? 3? sadsigh. _

* * *

Emmett and Rose broke up the day before Valentine's Day. None of us saw it coming.

And, of course, they _would _pick the most "romantic" time of year to split. Rose called me at eleven forty two on Sunday night, blubbering about what an asshole Em was. Apparently he'd asked her to marry him Friday night, but they'd both been drinking. She brought it up the next day, and he hardly remembered.

"And then he completely laughed it off. Like it's _sooo ludicrous_," she wailed.

I held the phone away from my mouth so she wouldn't hear me yawn. It wasn't that I didn't want to be there for her, because I did, but I was genuinely tired. I'd been helping my father outside all day, weeding and redoing the gardening. Spring tended to come to Florida whenever it felt like, and already the chillier months of "winter" had passed.

My paranoia about snakes aside, there was nothing appealing to me about working in the yard all day. But my days of living at home were numbered, and I'd been feeling a little clingy and nostalgic lately. When Dad had asked if I would help put in aloe plants along the fence line, I'd agreed.

"Are you even listening to me?" Rose sniffled.

"Yes, I am," I said. Sighing, I sat up. "I know… okay. I mean, you guys have been together for a long time, but I didn't think you were thinking about marriage yet, Rose. You always said you were gonna wait till you were thirty –"

"Well, I don't want to get married right now," she interrupted impatiently. "But when your boyfriend treats it like a big frigging joke, it's not a good sign."

"No, it's not."

"It's not. And anyway he shouldn't have brought it up in the first place, especially when he was drunk! Ugh!"

"That's true. I—"

"I know! What's his deal?"

I didn't know what she wanted me to say. On one hand, I thought the "fight" sounded ridiculous – very melodramatic and one that could have been squashed easily. But, on the other hand, she and Em had been together for years. Maybe their relationship was starting to evolve and they just weren't handling it very well. I bit my lip, unsure if I should tell her that.

"So, you guys had a fight… did you actually break up, though?"

"I told him I didn't want to see him."

"Ever?"

"Just not right now. He really hurt me. Like, one minute we were talking, and the next, it was like we weren't even on the same wavelength. And we're _always_ on the same wavelength."

"You guys used to go through this all the time back in the day," I reminded her, thinking about freshman and part of sophomore year. They'd even dated other people on and off, though they always came back together in the end.

"Yeah, but… things should be different now."

"Can I be honest?" I asked, deciding to just go for it.

"Please."

"Okay. I think there are other things going on here, things that you're not telling me – that you might not even be telling him. Or, maybe stuff is going on with him. I totally get being pissed about the marriage thing; he was being insensitive, fine. But breaking up seems like overkill, Rose. I'm just saying. You obviously love him."

"Maybe love's not enough though. Maybe we want different things."

She was being purposefully vague now, which she tended to do when she got this upset.

Yawning again, I flopped back down and snuggled in to my sheets. "What things?"

"In life."

"What _things?_"

"Remember a couple of weeks ago? The scare?"

How could I forget? Rose's period had been late, and she'd admitted to missing a couple of pills. In the end, everything was fine, but it had really sucked for a minute. Alice and I had been the only ones Rose had told, mainly because she didn't want to tell Emmett until she knew for sure.

I'd disagreed with her, saying keeping secrets like that was dumb and just asking for trouble. Rose and I were different, though.

"Yeah. Don't tell me you never told him."

"I didn't," she said. "I mean, I would've, but now… do you see where I'm coming from? If he thinks marriage is laughable, then what would he have thought of a kid?"

I scrubbed my hands over my eyes in exasperation. "You said you weren't going to keep the baby."

That whole situation made me feel weird inside. It had been a messy couple of days, with Alice being horrified that Rose would even consider an abortion, and Rose being vehement about her life staying "on track".

As usual, I'd been in the middle, seeing both the merits and shittiness of both sides. Swear to God, Rose getting her period had been the happiest day of our lives. I wouldn't have wished that situation on anybody.

"The point is if Emmett doesn't see things being long term for us, then it makes it hard for me to commit now. Everything's about to change in a couple of months and I need to know that he's down to ride, regardless. Cuz if he's not, well… then whatever."

"I still think you should tell him this. All of it," I said. "This is a bunch of drama and miscommunication and you guys are way past that. Sorry if that's bitchy, but it's the way I feel." I paused, rolling over in bed. "Em's not perfect, but he's pretty perfect for _you._"

Rose was quiet for once. I didn't want to piss her off or hurt her more than she already was, but I had to keep it real. She'd always done that with me.

"But can you see why I'm upset?" she finally asked, sounding small.

"Definitely. I'd be hurt, too. But I'd talk to him."

She sniffled, and my heart sank. She was crying again. "I will. I just need time."

"I'm here. Always," I said, wishing we were together so I could hug her.

"I know. I'll let you go to sleep." She laughed, a wobbly, watery sound. "Bye."

"Bye, babe."

I lay awake for a couple of minutes, my phone slightly warm in my hand from the how long I'd been on it. I supposed it was inevitable that things like this were going to happen, but it sucked.

Especially when things were sort of ridiculously perfect with Edward.

To no surprise, Rose didn't come to school the next day. She'd always been dramatic like that. I envisioned her holed up in her room, smoking out of her favorite pipe while watching the Food Network or something. That would never fly with my parents – no way would I be allowed to skip school, broken heart or not, and the weed? Ha. Not a chance in hell.

It wasn't that I didn't feel sympathy for her, because I so did. God knew she and Alice had seen me through enough of my own relationship woes. I guessed I felt like it would pass quickly; she and Emmett were both passionate people. They simply needed to talk it out.

Meanwhile, at Jensen Beach high, candy grams were being sent left and right for Valentine's Day. It reminded me of grade school, when we'd exchanged little Valentines with every classmate. Needless to say, people were a lot more selective these days. As usual, I got lollipops with silly messages from people like Alice, Angela and Jessica. I'd sent each of them one, too; it was tradition.

I realized I'd probably miss it next year, when we were spread out all over the country.

At lunch, I texted Edward.

_U didn't forget what today was, right?_

It took him a minute, but he responded_. Nope. Kinda hard to miss the explosion of pink and red hearts._

I smiled. _U seeing a lot of that down at the job site?_

_U'd be surprised._

_I have to work after school. Come see me?_

_For sure. Gotta go tho._

_k. xoxo_

* * *

I was almost done with my shift at Barnes N' Noble when Edward finally showed up.

"I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me," I said, smiling wryly.

"Never." He looked around quickly before leaning over the counter for a kiss.

"So… are we doing anything tonight?" I asked, trying to be all casual. I wasn't going to go nuts if he didn't have anything planned, but I couldn't help but hope.

"Not too many places available for dinner this late," he said, stroking the top of my hand.

"I know." I made a face, wishing I'd asked for the night off. It just hadn't occurred to me before.

"My parents are gone."

"Really? Why?"

"My Dad had a medical conference in D.C so, instead of leaving my mother for Valentine's Day, he brought her."

I smiled, running my thumb along the dimple on his cheek. "That's sweet. I'm surprised your Mom took the time off."

"No kidding. Anyway, they get back tomorrow morning… but for now, I have the house."

I wished desperately it was the weekend. "I can come for a little while."

"Yeah, you can."

Blushing, I glanced around to make sure no one was watching our flirt fest.

"I did get you something though," Edward said, straightening up.

I didn't even try to hide my happiness. "Really?"

Laughing, he shook his head. "You're such a girl."

"Yep."

He slid a folded up piece of paper across the counter. I frowned, wondering what it was. Edward wasn't exactly the type to give me poetry.

And then I smiled, my heart skipping in anticipation. It was my flight itinerary for spring break, from West Palm to New York and back. By the looks of it, we'd be gone a good ten days.

"I told you I'd go halves," I whispered, leaning across the counter to kiss him again.

He grinned, shrugging. "Whatever."

Our moment was interrupted by a vibration in my pocket.

"Ugh, hold on," I said, pulling away. "That's probably Rose. She's been texting me all day because of your brother."

Edward rolled his eyes and stepped away, shoving his hands in to his pockets.

Great. According to Rose's message, she and Em really were on the outs. I'd hoped that talking things out would've helped, but apparently not.

_Do u and E have plans tonight?_

I chewed the inside of my cheek, torn. My girls had always been with me, and they always would be, regardless of guys. But Edward wasn't just _some guy_. And it was our first Valentine's together.

_Not really. We're about to go hang tho._

_Can u come over? Just for a little while? Please? Alice just left. Don't want to b alone._

That's right; Alice had skipped dance to be with Rose for a bit.

I looked up at Edward, who was watching warily.

"What now?"

"She wants me to come over for a little while…I guess things aren't going too well."

He shoved his hands through his hair. "That sucks."

"I know."

"So you have to go."

"Wouldn't you go to Emmett?"

Edward laughed, coming closer again. "No. I'd tell his ass to call me in the morning."

I grabbed his hands, glad he didn't seem too pissy about it. He didn't seem glad, either, but whatever.

"I'll be over as soon as I can," I said, linking our fingers. "Promise."

"Believe it when I see it."

Such a guy.

"Are you mad?"

"No, I'm not _mad_, but Rose has really shitty timing." He glared at the counter.

Yeah. He was mad.

"She was always there for me." I glanced around the empty store. Besides the barista at Starbucks, we were alone. "Come on, I'll walk you out."

* * *

It was like being on a reality TV show.

Rose was puffy-faced, snotty, and apparently a pre-menstrual mess. Slim Jim wrappers, juice boxes and rolling papers were strewn around her room. She offered me a smoke, but I didn't want to wake up the next day all fluffy-brained. It would happen, too. I was pathetically light weight nowadays.

Apparently, Emmett had been really upset about Rose's decision to not tell him about her "scare". He and Rose still weren't officially broken up, but they were in a really craptastic state of limbo. I kept it to myself, but I totally got why he was so mad.

She thought he was insensitive and undependable, and he thought she was secretive and a little crazy in the head. It didn't help that there was a party or something going on in the background at Emmett's, down in Miami. Rose was terrified he'd get drunk and do something – or someone – stupid.

"He's not like that, Rose," I said, stroking my fingers through her hair. She had her head in my lap.

"People change," she muttered.

"Maybe you should go down there soon. Talk to him face to face."

"Dude, whose side are you even on?" she huffed, wiping the back of her hand across her face.

"Yours. Always yours. It was just a suggestion."

"Last time we spoke face to face it ended in a fight, so…"

We went round and round for what seemed like an eternity. By the time I got up to go, it was nearly midnight. I'd already called my mother to explain the situation, so that wasn't an issue, but I worried that Edward was going to be pissed.

I didn't blame him. I'd be pissed, too.

Rose – and Emmett – really did have bad timing. But I loved Rose beyond rationale, and I knew that had I left her alone, I'd have felt like a crappy friend. It was always something; either everyone else was fine and I was having issues, or I was just dandy and they were going off the deep end.

I backed out of Rose's driveway and called Edward. The call went to voicemail, and I wondered if he'd already fallen asleep. He worked hard, and he was often tired; I'd feel bad about waking him up now.

Halfway home, I changed my mind. Edward was always the one doing spontaneous, sexy things.

My turn.

I pulled up to his house. Most of the lights were off.

What I was about to do was either really hot or really dumb. Feeling like a creeper, I made my way to the back of the house, where the pool deck was. I kicked off my flip flops and toed the water.

A little cold, but not too bad.

Heart racing, I stripped down to my panties and got my phone out again.

_Please God, don't let there be any weirdos watching from the bushes…_

His number rang a couple of times before he picked up, sounding groggy. Yeah, he'd totally been sleeping. I felt a twinge of guilt, but it was soon squelched by nerves.

"Hey. It's me. You sleeping?"

"Uh…yeah. What's up? You just got home? Shit, it's past twelve…"

"I think you should come downstairs."

"What?"

I trembled as the breeze blew, not so much cold as anxious. "Come downstairs. To the pool."

I hung up before he could say anything, tossing my phone back to my clothes. Hopefully he'd actually come. It would really suck if he mistook my call for a dream or something and went back to sleep.

Wind soughed through the trees, making them _shush_ and sway all along the perimeter of the backyard. I swam a couple of laps to warm up, enjoying the way the water felt on my skin. Swimming at night, especially skinny dipping, was always secretive and exciting; we'd been doing it at Rose's since middle school.

"Bella."

I stopped in mid-stroke. Edward was standing at one end of the pool, arms folded. The dark made it hard to see his expression, so I swam closer.

"Hey."

He peered down at me. "What are you doing?" His voice was amused, though, like he was on the brink of laughter.

"What does it look like?" My teeth chattered a little.

"Are you…naked?" He crouched down as I swam to the edge and stood up.

The night air raised goose bumps on my wet skin, hardened my nipples almost painfully. "Almost."

He smiled, the white of his teeth just visible.

Before I could ask him to come in, he stood again and started taking his clothes off.

He dove in quickly and I squealed at the loud sound. So much for being quiet and clandestine.

In seconds he was wrapping my legs around his waist, pressing our bodies close together. Unlike me, he was completely naked.

"What're you doing, crazy girl?" he whispered, kissing me.

I ran my fingers through his wet hair, kissing him back. His mouth was so warm.

"I missed you," I said, moving my mouth to his ear.

"You see me all the time."

"And I still miss you."

"Mm." He maneuvered our mouths back together, slipping his tongue inside mine.

I clung tightly to him, feeling him get harder between us. He pushed us up against the wall and moved against me, hiking me up a little higher so that my chest was level with his face. My skin was cooled by the water, but when he sucked a nipple into his mouth that's when I really felt the warmth.

"I want you." He let go of my nipple and went for the other one, biting me a little.

"You have me."

"Here?"

"Mhm…"

He began pulling my panties to the side.

"Wait," I whispered, trying to think through the lust-fog. "Not in the pool… that would be gross."

"Fine." He secured his grip on my thighs and walked to the steps leading out of the pool. Now the night air felt freezing.

"Can you even see where you're going?" I giggled, clutching him so he didn't drop me.

"Kind of," he panted, slipping a little on the tile. We got to the sliding glass doors and went inside, where the air conditioning was brutally arctic.

"Oh my God," I said, shivering. "So cold."

"I know, just… hold on."

"'Kay."

He stumbled across the living room and in to what appeared to be one of the downstairs guest rooms, where he dropped me onto the bed.

Off came my soaking wet underwear, landing with a wet _slap_ somewhere on the floor.

I yanked him back down and kissed him, feeling him line our bodies up.

"Okay?" he asked.

I nodded, lying still as he pushed his way inside. We'd never done it bare, although we'd discussed it. I'd been on the pill for years, but it always seemed more sensible to use condoms too – especially in the wake of Em and Rose's incident… which hadn't even _been _an incident but could have been.

But there had been times when that decision had been difficult. We wanted to feel one another, completely.

Times like now.

Edward shuddered, almost coming to a stop.

"Don't stop," I whispered, knowing why he was slowing down but not really wanting him to.

"Feels so good," he groaned, sliding a hand beneath my knee to wrap my leg around him. "Too good."

"Love you," I said, kissing him.

"I love you too."

* * *

I awoke around five o'clock.

My mother usually got up at six, so I figured I had about an hour to get home and climb in the window. She hadn't tried calling or anything, so I really hoped she'd hadn't realized I'd stayed out all night.

"I have to go."

Edward grunted and snuggled down deeper in to the comforter.

I couldn't blame him. Getting up was the last thing I wanted to do at the moment, but I didn't have a choice. Moving quickly, I got dressed, glad I'd had the foresight to bring my clothes in from the deck after we'd showered. My underwear was still wet though. I left them where they were, knowing Edward would probably get a kick out of that.

"Bye," I whispered, kissing Edward's face.

His hand shot out, and he grabbed my thigh. "Let's do this again tonight."

I snorted, ruffling his hair. "Yeah, right. We'll see."

It had rained while we'd been sleeping. Water dripped down off the plants lining the driveway, and the truck's door handle left my hand wet.

Slightly apprehensive, I drove home. It was such a tranquil time of day, everything still and not quite awake. I hoped the same could be said about my house.

I parked, careful to cut the engine and close the door as silently as possible before sneaking to my window.

It was locked.

_Shit!_ I hadn't planned to stay out the night before, so I hadn't prepared.

I jogged to the front door before I could psyche myself out anymore and let myself in that way. Holding my breath, I tiptoed to my room, stripped, and dove beneath the covers.

Sighing in relief, I rolled over to get comfortable.

My pillow crinkled. Actually, the note on top of my pillow crinkled. Squinting in the half-light, I could just barely make out Mom's handwriting.

_You might be 18, but you still live at home. Call the next time you decide to stay out all night._

Dammit.

* * *

Friend request, friend request, invitation to join a mafia… I scrolled through my Facebook alerts, accepting and ignoring as I went along.

"Rose still has "it's complicated" on her profile."

Alice sighed. She was standing beside her bed, one leg extended on to the mattress as she did "barre work". I ate Doritos and went online to relax; she did ballet.

"I can't believe she and Emmett are _still_ bickering."

"I know." It had been about a month; we'd never expected the fight to go on this long.

Granted, Rose was pretty stubborn. She seemed pretty resigned about it these days. I wondered what would happen if they were still like this by summer.

"And would you believe Lauren is still talking smack about Jess?" I said, shaking my head.

"Lauren gets worse as the years go by," Alice remarked, switching legs. "Remember how tight she and Jess used to be?"

I nodded. Few friendships seemed to survive high school intact. Even I wasn't as close to Jessica or Angela as I'd once been, but at least we were still friends.

"It's so tacky to bitch publicly like this, though," I complained. "Ew, you know? Keep it to yourself…"

"Just block Lauren. That's what I did."

"Seriously…" I scrolled past Lauren's latest diatribe and read a couple more updates before clicking on Edward's profile.

He'd finally amended his relationship status to "in a relationship". This was especially gratifying to me, mainly because both labels and Facebook were two things he'd once avoided.

"Oh. Hell no."

Alice plopped down next to me. "What, what?"

I pointed to a comment from Tia, Edward's ex.

_Heeeey! Heard you were coming back! Gotta hit up Pacha while ur here :)_

Alice made a barfing noise. "_Any_way."

"I wonder if she even knows he has a girlfriend. Or cares."

"Kinda hard to miss the "in a relationship" thing, Bella," laughed Alice. "Whatever. You guys are going together, so, it's not like it matters."

"Yeah, but, I don't want to run in to her."

"What if she's not that bad? Go to her profile. Maybe she's in a relationship."

"Can't. I'm not her friend."

Alice reached over me and clicked on Tia's picture. "Sometimes you can still see certain info."

Other than finding out that Tia was a Democrat whose religion was "love, peace and happiness", there was nothing of interest.

"Oh well," I said, clicking the 'X' in the corner of the screen. "Edward had to deal with Garrett when I was still dating him. It's a non-issue."

Alice nodded. "I agree. At least she's not stalking him like Jasper's ex."

"Maria…" I giggled. The fact that Jasper's psycho ex-girlfriend from Texas shared the same name as Alice amused me to no end.

"Ugh. Shut up!" she said, punching my arm.

"Ow." I rolled away, still laughing.

"My point is at least this chick keeps her distance."

"Mhm," I said, not fully convinced. It wasn't like I left messages on Garrett's page.

_Whatever._

I stopped by Edward's on my way home from Alice's. We hung out in the apartment for awhile, watching TV and goofing off. There was less than week to go before Spring Break, and half the time it was all I could talk about.

"So, I was on Facebook earlier," I began, stretching out on the bed.

"You're kidding," Edward said sarcastically, plumping a pillow before lying beside me. He liked to tease me about my "commitment" to keeping in touch, otherwise known as nosiness.

"And apparently there's lots of excitement that you're going back."

He grabbed his laptop and opened it, quickly navigating to the site.

"Let her know we can both go with her to Pacha!" I said, brimming over with false enthusiasm.

Edward frowned at Tia's comment. "Jared must've said something."

"They're all friends?"

"Not really." He shrugged, setting the laptop aside. "Jared is friends with Tia's brother, Collin. They all live in the city… most everyone else is spread out though. The guys I hung with the most were from all over."

"Do you think we'll see her?" I asked.

"Nope."

I glanced back at his laptop, still open.

"So she knows I'm coming back…whatever. I'm coming with you, and it's to hang out with family and see the old stomping grounds. My plans don't include clubbing in the city."

"I kinda want to go to the city, though." I'd never been, and knowing I'd be in such close proximity was really freaking exciting.

"Oh yeah, we'll go. For sure." He pulled me closer, securing me by my belt loops. "It'll be great."

"I know." I meant it, too. I kissed him briefly. "I can't wait to go."

"Good. Because I can't wait to take you."

I nodded, playing with his collar.

"Maybe we can even go camping one weekend," he continued. "My Uncle Alec's property is really densely wooded."

S'mores. Campfires. Tents. Every episode of _Goosebumps_ I'd watched growing up flashed through my head.

"As long as there are no axe murderers," I said. "Or bears."

"Nah." He smirked, tucking his hand down the back of my jeans. "Only thing you'll have to run from is me."

* * *

_yep, spring break trip next time. _

_meanwhile, i'm trying not to be too emo about the fact this is practically finished. thank you muchly for the love guys; it is appreciated. _

**songs:**

**Mirrorball - Everything But the Girl**

**Teenage Dreams - Katy Perry (omg, i had to)**

**Come Close to Me - Common w/Mary J. Blige**


	26. Butterfly

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks for the late night beta lovin, nic._

* * *

My father insisted on driving me to the Cullen's the morning of our flight. He wanted to have one last chat with the both of us despite the fact we'd gone over safety and rules to the point of exhaustion.

Was he getting on my nerves?

Yes.

Was I going to be out from under his wing by the end of summer?

Oh, yes.

So I put up with it, as did Edward. I couldn't imagine what Dad would've been like had I chosen an out of state school.

Esme was still at the house, getting ready to go to work. She greeted us at the door with a smile, welcoming us inside. Sometimes it was hard to believe that she was the same woman who'd had such drama with her son that she'd sent him away. It was hard to believe Edward had _been _that son. He'd matured in the ways that mattered, and while a little piece of me sometimes ached with the time we'd lost, most of me was just grateful to be with him now.

It wouldn't have been the same, anyway. _We_ wouldn't have been the same.

"Hi, Charlie, Bella," Esme said, giving me a quick one-armed hug before hurrying back in to the house.

"Hi, Esme." My father echoed me, setting my suitcase down just inside the door. We walked in to the kitchen, where Esme was bustling around.

"Edward should be right down… I'm sorry I have to leave like this, but I have to get into the office early today." She quickly capped a travel coffee mug and grabbed her briefcase from the counter. "Have a great flight. I've already asked Edward to call when you guys get in, so…"

"We've asked Bella to do the same," my father said, giving me a swift pat on the back.

I rolled my eyes at his gruffness. "No problem. See you, Esme."

Edward appeared just then, freshly showered and dressed in jeans and a hoodie. I smiled; we were wearing pretty much the same thing.

"Hey Bella," he said, giving me a light hug. He knew better than to try and kiss me in front of my dad. "Morning, Mr. Swan."

"Good morning, Edward. Listen, I know you two have to head out, but please be careful. Take care of my daughter."

"We will. I told my parents I'd call at night, so, we can do that…"

"I have to do the same thing," I said, grabbing his hand.

My father nodded once, backing slowly away from the counter. "All right. Well. Drive safely and…uh… have a safe flight."

"I'm sure the whole trip will be very safe, Dad," I teased, dropping Edward's hand to give my father a tight hug. "Love you."

"Love you, too," he said, and his mustache tickle-scratched my cheek the way it had done since I was little.

We walked him to the door, waving goodbye as he reversed out of the driveway. As soon as his car disappeared, Edward shut the door and pushed me up against it, kissing me.

"You smell so good," he murmured, skimming his face down to my neck.

"So do you," I whispered, holding him tight.

"I'm really glad you're coming," he said, pulling back so we could look at each other.

I grinned, tucking my hands into his back pockets. "Not as glad as me."

"We'll see about that."

"Promise?"

He snorted, grabbing one of my hands and placing it on the front of his pants. "That's my promise right there."

I made a face, trying not to smile as I ducked away. "Anyway…"

He smacked my behind and pulled me back. "Where you going?"

"We don't have time for all that."

"All what?" He smiled innocently, slipping his arms around my waist. I could still feel his boner between us, and it made me laugh a little.

"Our flight's at ten. We have to be there at nine. It's…" I tiptoed, trying to see around him to the clock on the wall.

"Seven forty, he said. "More than enough time to get to the airport."

I linked my fingers behind his neck and pulled him down for a kiss. "Let's go."

"Fine," he breathed, kissing me in ways that would get us nowhere.

* * *

We made it to PBI on time, thanks to_ my_ willpower. There were more direct flights out of Miami and even Ft Lauderdale, but we weren't in the mood to deal with the hassle of driving, so West Palm it was.

I had just enough time to grab coffee and a breakfast sandwich before boarding. We stopped briefly in Atlanta before continuing on to La Guardia. As we got closer to New York, I sat with my nose glued to the window, watching the busyness below as it grew closer.

"Is it weird to be coming back?" I asked, turning to Edward.

He shrugged, and then shook his head. "Not really. It's different now, I guess."

"Have you spoken to anybody else?"

"Mainly just Jared. A couple of the guys who are graduating this year will probably want to chill. That's about it."

"Does Tia still go to boarding school or did she graduate with you?"

Edward smirked, leaning over me so he could look out the window. "She graduated."

"So… she lives in the city?"

He nodded, settling back in to his seat.

"Hm." I rooted around my purse, looking for gum. We were beginning our descent, and the cabin pressure was messing with my ears.

"You're funny," he chuckled a few minutes later.

"What?" I asked, my face warming.

"You're checking up on things…"

"Nope. I'm just curious."

"Girls are never _just curious_."

"Maybe I'm not like other girls."

"Not in other ways, but in this way you are." He squeezed my thigh. "I kinda like it."

"Like what?"

"You're all jealous…"

"Ugh, shut up," I groaned, flicking his ear.

He caught my hand and pulled me close, trapping me in an obnoxious half-bear hug. "It's okay. I get it."

"Edward." I pinched him, trying to get free.

"The first time I saw you with Garrett I wanted to put my fist through his face."

I stopped struggling.

"Didn't matter that we hadn't been together for years. It pissed me off," he continued, loosening his grip on me. "If I wasn't sure about my feelings for you before then, it was pretty clear at that point."

"Why, do you think?"

"Why what?"

I looked up at him, gently thumbing his eyelashes. He squished his face up and leaned back, catching my hand again. "Why did you still care, after all that time?"

"I don't know, Bella," he laughed. "You said you felt the same way."

"I did. I totally did," I said. My ears popped. I chewed furiously, alternating between yawning and plugging my nose to relieve the pressure.

"You got under my skin," he said. "Drove me crazy."

"Good."

He grinned. "You'll be the death of me."

"Life. Only life," I said, kissing his cheek.

"You got any more gum?"

I handed him a piece just as we hit the runway.

Alec met us at baggage claim. He looked just as I remembered him. My heart squeezed; this was who Edward had gone to when he'd left home, left _me_.

"Diamond earring girl," Alec said, winking at me as he released Edward from a hug.

I laughed, shaking my head. "Hi, Alec."

"Hi, Bella." He yanked me closer and gave me a hug, too. He smelled like cigarettes, mint and leather, an oddly appealing combination. "How much stuff did you guys bring?"

"Bella's suitcase is huge," Edward said. He'd been teasing me about it since we'd left Florida. "In fact… that's it right there." He jogged toward the carousel.

"So how've you been?" Alec asked as we walked to join Edward.

"I'm good. Excited to be graduating soon," I said, sliding my hands in to the pouch of my hoodie.

He nodded. "Yeah, I remember those days. Goes by like that." He snapped his fingers. "You know where you're going to college yet?"

"Probably USF, in Tampa. I don't know yet for sure; I'm still waiting to hear back from them."

"A lot of schools send out acceptance letters in the very beginning of April," Edward said, reappearing next to me with my suitcase. He plopped it at my feet. "Maybe it'll be waiting for you when you get back."

The thought of it made me anxious. I was pretty sure I'd gotten in – my grades were solid and USF wasn't too overly competitive – but not knowing for sure was annoying. Edward had deferred enrollment to the University of Tampa, so he had nothing to worry about.

"I hope so," I said.

We stood, chatting, as the bags went 'round and 'round. Eventually Edward spotted his and grabbed it.

Alec lived in Cornwall-on-Hudson. Other than what Edward had told me about his school and his uncle's estate, I'd never even heard of the town. It was gorgeous, hilly and lush with foliage. I was used to palm trees and the ocean, so this kind of landscape was completely foreign to me. The trees were heavy and bursting with new leaves for spring, and the air still had quite a cold bite to it.

The house was set back a bit from other homes, and like Edward had said, near a lightly wooded area in the back.

"You made it sound like there were serious forests back here," I snorted, glancing back at Edward. He'd insisted I take the front seat so I could see better. "Where are we going to camp? The back yard?"

"You're taking her camping?" Alec asked, sounding amused. I watched as his gaze met Edward's in the rearview mirror.

"I've got plans," Edward said cryptically. He tugged my hair. "And there are places to camp back there, smart ass."

We pulled up to the driveway and got out, stretching. Even the air smelled different.

As I'd expected, Alec had set up two rooms for us.

"Edward, welcome back. Everything's as you left it. For the most part… Siobhan went a little nuts with plants as soon as spring rolled around…" he said, referring to his live-in girlfriend.

"It's cool. Where is she, anyway?"

"Working. She'll be home by six. Bella, let me show you to your room."

"She doesn't need one, Uncle Alec," Edward called after us.

Alec rolled his eyes, ignoring him, and ushered me to a room right down the hall. He probably knew as well as I did that Edward would be sneaking in to my room at night.

"Thanks so much," I said, feeling sleepy just looking at the oversized sleigh bed in the middle of the room. Alec set my suitcase down.

"Gonna go check the mail," he said, leaving me alone to unpack.

Edward joined me seconds later. "You know you're not sleeping in here, right?"

"I don't know; this bed looks amazing."

"You should see mine…" He hauled me to my feet and dragged me next door. His room was a little bigger than mine, and on the corner of the house. Two of the four walls housed large windows, both of which overlooked trees as far as I could see. There was definitely evidence of his stay from before; things felt a little more personal than they did in my room.

"How come you left stuff here?" I asked softly, running my fingers along the polished wood of his desk. Several pictures were stuck to the wall, photos of him with his friends. A couple of trophies for cross country sat atop the bookshelf alongside a bunch of books.

"It's like… my second home." Edward shrugged. "At one point I thought I might go to college up here."

"What changed your mind?" I asked. My heart skipped a beat. Maybe that was a loaded question; I didn't know.

"Too cold," he said, standing behind me.

I nodded, feeling oddly vulnerable and really, really in love with him. It was almost uncomfortable.

He slipped his chilly fingers up under my layers to touch my stomach. I shrank away from the cold sensation, pressing back against Edward. "I had to go home, Bella. I had to… see."

"See me?"

"See everything. Especially you. It was like, this nagging feeling. Even when this place began to feel real to me, like it was a possibility, I always felt like I was missing out on what was going on back home. I needed to know if Jensen Beach was still what I remembered. You know? It's easy to make things perfect in your memories; I wanted to see for real." He curved around me, resting his chin on my shoulder.

"I wasn't sure I wanted to see you," I whispered, reaching up to touch his face. "I thought I was over you."

"I didn't know if I was over you," he admitted. "I figured seeing you would either prove that it was really over or that it wasn't over at all."

I nodded, understanding. "You left too abruptly. Too many what-ifs."

"Exactly."

I turned around, wrapping my arms around his neck. "I'm really glad you came back."

He nodded, leaning down to kiss me.

I loved kisses like this, the ones that made me love and feel loved, that made me want to cry or collapse in relief, the ones that made me want to get naked so that I could feel him not just in me but all over me, too. There was neediness there, a sense of wholeness.

Eventually, though, we wandered downstairs. Alec was in his office, on the phone, so Edward gave me the tour. The house had been a fixer-upper, and he was proud to show me all of the things he'd had a hand in.

"So this is why you do construction nowadays," I commented.

"Basically. I mean, Uncle Alec taught me a lot, so it wasn't that much of a leap to go in to straight building."

"You like it?"

He shrugged. "It's okay. I couldn't do it forever, if that's what you're asking, but being outside's nice."

I knew he wanted to go in to law, but I imagined he'd learned some pretty handy skills working with Alec and at his job back home.

"Speaking of which, I want to look around outside. You said there were trails?"

Edward led the way to the backyard, an uneven expanse of grass leading to a wide grove of tall, mature trees.

"We'll have plenty of time to explore later; right now I just want to chill," he said, walking slowly beside me.

"It's so, so pretty here," I said, closing my eyes against the waning afternoon sun. Even the air felt different here.

"It is. I used to spend hours outside, walking around by myself – especially before school started."

"I bet you smoked back here," I snickered, imagining.

"Hell yeah; all the time. I found out later that Alec knew, too. He was just letting me get it out of my system cuz he knew military school would kick my ass." He laughed quietly, squinting toward the trees.

"I can see how this place changed you," I said after a moment. The calm, serene setting seemed like an ideal locale for soul-searching. I could see why Edward had entertained the thought of staying. We had chill, pretty places in Florida too, but it was different.

"You guys hungry?" Alec's voice called across the yard. "We're going to meet Siobhan down at Painter's."

"Guess she got off a little earlier," Edward said as we started back toward the house. "I'm starving."

"I am, too." I caught up and took his hand, holding it between both of mine.

* * *

Any fantasies we'd had of late night fooling around were squashed the minute we hit the sheets.

Traveling always tired me out, regardless of how long my day had actually been. My bed was way too cushy and comfortable, and I slept like a baby. When I woke up the next morning, it was already past nine.

I figured Edward would come to me once he was awake, so I snuggled with my blankets and pillows awhile longer, glad the sun wasn't hitting my window directly.

I'd called my mom the night before to let her know all was well, so I could relax in that regard. Alice and Rose would be en route to Panama City by now; the last I'd heard, Angela, Jess and a couple of other girls were meeting them there. I felt a tiny pang of wistfulness, knowing they were all going without me. Not that I would have chosen Panama City over a trip with Edward, but still. We'd always said we'd go together, but when the time actually came to plan, things had changed.

Rose was especially hell bent on going, wanting to have a wild time and party hard. She was stressed out over school and college and Emmett. Especially Emmett. They'd been talking a lot for the past few weeks – hence Rose's "it's complicated" status – but were still funky in terms of actual reconciliation. When Em had announced he was going to South Padre Island with a bunch of his frat brothers, Rose had practically spit flames.

I giggled in to my pillow. The two of them were full on crazy, both about each other and in general.

"What're you laughing about?" Edward asked quietly, shutting my door as he came in.

I rolled over to face him as he crept beneath the comforter with me. "Emmett and Rose. And the battle of who'll have the most depraved Spring Break."

He rolled his eyes, snorting. "They'll probably both come back with sunburns and tattoos."

"And alcohol poisoning."

"We'd probably be right there with them if we hadn't come up here," Edward reminded me, copping a feel. "You're wearing pants."

"Sweatpants," I amended. "Obviously. I'm in your uncle's home. Anyway, I almost always wear sweatpants to bed."

He started tugging them down.

"If we were back home, would you be going to Panama City or South Padre?" I asked, shifting my hips to help him out.

"I wasn't invited to either one," he said, smirking. "Isn't Panama City some girl thing?"

I nodded, smiling.

"And Emmett's with his _brothers_."

"Are you going to be in a frat next year?" I asked, throwing my now-naked leg over him.

"Can you see me in a frat? That's Emmett's thing." He moved away and started squirming around. The next thing I knew he was naked, and yanking my shirt up over my head.

"Where are –"

He went for my neck, tonguing it the way he knew would make me wet. "At work. They left about an hour ago."

"In that case…" I moved away from his mouth and disappeared under the covers.

"Oh…holy shit, Bella."

* * *

The first couple of days were spent in and around town, walking around and hanging out. The more time I spent there, the more I could see why he'd been able to call it home for a couple of years; it was beautiful. There were so many trees everywhere, often forming canopies over the roads.

Edward brought me to New York Military academy, where he showed me the paths he used to walk to get from one class to another, as well as the building where he used to live. He shared little historical tidbits as we wandered the campus, and a couple of times we even ran in to faculty that he had once known.

"It's so weird to be here," I said, gazing up the building we were standing in front of. "Like, after seeing it in your pictures, you know?"

"Yeah." He nodded, looking around. "It's weird to be here, and know that I can leave when I want."

I smiled ruefully at him, squeezing his hand.

"Come on, let's go grab something to eat," he said, nodding toward the parking lot.

We went to a local pizzeria in town, and had just slid in to a booth when his phone rang. I could tell by how he was talking it was someone local. Not wanting to totally listen in, I scanned the menu and answered a couple of texts from the girls. Alice and Rose had been keeping me up to date on their Spring Break adventures, including Rose's drunken make out fest with some guy from North Carolina.

I shook my head, sighing. Hopefully Emmett was being just as sheisty; otherwise the shaky truce they'd forged might dissolve for good. They'd _said _they could see other people for the time being, but neither of them really had.

"What's up?" Edward asked.

I looked up from my phone. "Rose, acting up. What else is new?"

Edward fished his phone from his pocket and poked around. "You mean like this?"

There was a picture of Emmett, in his swim trunks, with a girl on his lap.

Facing him. His face was buried in her boobs.

"This one's called body shots," Edward said. "Want to see more?"

"No thanks."

A waiter appeared, smiling. "Hi guys, my name's Brady. Can I get you started with drinks?"

We ordered, and then I turned back to Edward. "So, who called?"

"This kid Quil Ateara. He's a senior this year…anyway, there's a party in the city tonight and he wanted to know if we were interested."

"Oh yeah?"

He nodded. "Should be a pretty good turn out."

I couldn't deny, a party in New York City sounded amazing. "Where is it?"

"I don't know; somewhere on the Upper East Side. House party. You wanna go?"

"Yeah."

"Cool." He grinned, quickly typing something on his phone. "We can get a hotel for the night, that way we won't have to deal with trains or whatever."

"We can't just drive?" I asked.

"I mean, we _could_ but it would be a pain in the ass. And we'll probably be drinking. It's all good; we can find someplace decent."

"Your uncle won't mind, right?"

"Nope. We'll just take the train in."

"Okay."

Alec and Siobhan dropped us at train station around five. It took us about an hour and a half to get to Grand Central, where I promptly went in to tourist mode. I had to fight the urge to take pictures of the station, and then once we were above ground, to take pictures of everything else.

Edward was a good sport about it, grabbing my hand and leading me through the crowds like he was experienced or some crap. Maybe he was, I didn't know. All I knew was I finally saw why there was so much hype surrounding this place. It was larger than life.

"Are we far from where the party's gonna be?"

"It's not too far, but Quil said he'd pick us up."

I bought myself a bottle of water from a newsstand while Edward called Quil.

"He'll be here in about twenty minutes," he said. "Let's go drop our stuff off at the hotel."

"Where are we staying?" I asked, still fascinated by the frenetic energy around us.

"The Marriott."

"Marriott?" I frowned slightly. "You said cheap."

He shrugged. "It doesn't matter, Bella. It's close to the train. Come on."

Ah, frig it. It was an adventure. If I had it my way, we'd stay more than just one night…maybe I could persuade Edward; throw a little cash his way. Besides a couple of meals, hadn't really let me pay for much – not that we had many expenses with Alec.

We checked in and went on up to our room. I dropped my backpack on the bed and walked over to the window, looking out. "I wish we could stay longer."

"I know, me too."

"I mean right here."

"We can stay the weekend if you want."

"Sounds good," I said, pleased that he was down to stay. "I'm gonna go change."

I slipped in to the bathroom and put on a different shirt before fixing my hair. Our plans might've been super casual, but I didn't want to look like a slob around Edward's friends. I was brushing mascara on when he knocked on the door.

"Quil's downstairs…want me to have him come up or are you ready?"

"I'm ready," I said, coming out of the bathroom.

Edward smiled at my cleavage. "Hi."

"Hi." I shrugged in to a light jacket and nodded toward the door. "Lead the way."

Quil was this really chill kid with a low Mohawk and a leather jacket. His mellow vibe and easy smile kind of reminded me of Jasper, who seemed like he could be stoned even though he usually wasn't. It was easy to see why he and Edward were friends, and his friendliness put me at ease right away.

"So this is your first time up here, Bella?" he asked, glancing at me in the rearview as he drove.

I nodded. "Yeah."

"What do you think?"

"It's crazy; I love it."

"It is that," he said, grinning. "Pretty much the exact opposite of old Cornwall."

"I like it there, too," I said, gazing at the scenery as it whizzed by. He was right, though; the Village of Cornwall on Hudson couldn't be more of a polar opposite to Manhattan.

The kid having the party, Sam, lived with his parents in a condo. The building itself was in the Upper East Side, a place I'd only seen on TV while watching Gossip Girl or whatever with Rose. Once the doorman let us in, we took an elevator to the fifth floor.

Sam met us at the door, greeting Quil. We were introduced; Edward got a clap on the back, I got a once-over. Twice. In fact, he was totally checking me out. Edward linked his fingers through mine and didn't let go after that. Back home, everyone knew us. Here, a lot of them knew him but they didn't know me.

I quickly got used to the gushing girls, all of whom were _soooo excited_ Edward was back. Everybody was so damned trendy; I was glad I'd changed in to something cute. Sam walked over after awhile and offered us drinks, saying there was plenty of stuff in the kitchen if we wanted.

By the time night fell outside, I'd loosened up a lot – thanks to a steady supply of vodka and cranberry juice. And honestly, most of the people Edward was talking to were really cool, even the girls. Conversation was superficial, but it was pleasant. It was fun.

"I have to pee," I whispered to Edward, grasping his arm.

"Oh, uh… I don't even know where the bathroom is," he said, looking around.

"It's cool; I'll find it," I said, standing. I was definitely a little wobbly – Edward had been right to get us a hotel.

I turned back to the girl I'd been talking to. "Irina."

"'Sup?"

"Do you know where the bathroom is?"

"Yeah, come on. I have to go, too."

She stood up, adjusting her very short skirt, and led me through the now very crowded room toward a hallway. There were several closed doors; she knocked on one, got no response, and pushed it open.

"There you go."

"Thanks." I ducked inside and went quickly, checking my appearance as I washed my hands after. Besides looking a little drunk, I was fine.

Irina went in when I came out. I leaned against the wall, not sure if I should wait for her or what. A door opened across the hall from where I stood; the kids inside were doing lines of coke off a desk. Sam was one of them. He caught me looking and winked before shutting the door again.

And I thought we partied hard down south. I wondered if Edward had done all that while living up here before. It wouldn't have surprised me.

Edward had stood up from his spot on the couch when we returned to the living room.

"Now I have to go," he said, planting a wet, sloppy kiss behind my ear.

"They're doing coke back there, in one of the bedrooms," I said.

"Probably not all they're doing," he said, nodding. "Where's the bathroom?"

I pointed to where Irina had brought me before and he took off, weaving through the throng of people.

Irina and her friend were asking me what I thought about summer time in Florida when I spotted Tia with a group of girls. God, she was even prettier in real life. Her hair was shorter than it had been in the pictures I'd seen, cut and styled in shoulder length layers. My stomach coiled; I'd hoped I wouldn't have to see her.

I was probably being dumb, but whatever. It was an automatic reaction to seeing this girl. And as welcome and relaxed as things had been so far, I still couldn't help but feel weird, like I was out of place. These people all knew each other. I sipped my drink and glanced toward the hallway, mentally willing Edward to hurry up. He emerged, texting as he walked back.

"Hey." He grinned down at me, motioning for me to stand up. I did, and he sat in my place, pulling me on to his lap. He tended to get goofy and affectionate when we drank a lot, and I tended to like it.

"Having fun?" he asked. His voice tickled my ear.

I cringed away, laughing a little. "Yep...you?"

His fingers tickled at my waist. "Yeah. It's good to see everyone."

"I'm glad." I leaned down and kissed his nose.

Quil sat on the armrest and started talking to Edward. I looked around, wondering if Tia had seen us.

She had.

We made eye contact. I knew who she was, and I had a feeling she knew who I was.

I looked away first, biting my lip. Maybe if I ignored her, she'd go away.

Nope.

Minutes later she appeared in front of us, her head cocked as she smiled down at Edward.

"Hey, you."

Edward adjusted me so he could see. "Oh, wow. Hey, Tia." The music had gotten louder; he practically had to yell.

"Hi. I'm Tia," she said, extending her hand to me. She had a pretty smile. I wondered if it was sincere.

I shook her hand, smiling back. "Hi. Bella."

She nodded, brushing her bangs from her eyes.

Awkward. Even Irina had stopped fidgeting beside me.

"Well, I just wanted to stop by," Tia said. "I'll see you guys later."

She walked away, glancing back just once at Edward. My stomach relaxed. Well, that had been anti-climactic. She was gorgeous, and could probably have anyone she wanted, but I knew there was a very real chance that she wasn't over Edward.

The same way I hadn't been over him when he'd left me.

I downed the rest of my drink and leaned forward to set the cup on a table. "No more for me," I said to no one but myself, twisting around to look at Edward. He was chatting with Quil again. I wished could see in to his mind.

But then his fingers, which had been stroking the skin right above my jeans, inched higher. He rested his other hand on my thigh, squeezing. Reminding me.

He knew.

It warmed me, warmed me so that I was melty with desire. The low lights and music and intoxication didn't help, either.

I rested my hand on his shoulder, letting my fingertips graze his neck. He glanced at me, his eyes flickering between mine.

I must have looked as aroused as I suddenly felt, because his eyes got all lazy and heavy. He shifted, bringing his hand even higher on my thigh.

"Ready?" he mouthed.

* * *

We took our clothes off and fell in to bed, not even bothering to get under the covers. I sat on top of him, rubbing all of me against all of him. I felt all wound up and almost anxious, wanting him so bad I wanted to be inside him as much as I wanted him to be inside me.

He let me mess with him for a minute before pushing me on to my back. Messy, wet kisses, inebriated off alcohol and lust. We made out until he was _right there_ and then he plunged inside, going hard and fast, stopping only to turn me over so he could hit it from behind.

And then his mouth was on my neck, even his teeth; he pushed me flat on the bed and raised my hips so he could go deeper, deepest.

So good. I gasped every time he pushed in, fistfuls of blanket in my hands.

We didn't talk, couldn't. He shoved his hand beneath me, touching me until I was coming and then he came too. I felt his heart racing against my back. After a moment he eased out slowly, kissing my shoulder blades and along my neck.

"Okay?"

I nodded, turning over so I could capture him with my legs. "Don't go yet."

"'Kay."

We kissed. I didn't want to let him go, so I didn't.

"Come clean up with me," he murmured eventually, biting my ear.

I let him haul me out of bed so we could rush through a shower and fall back in to bed.

It was, maybe, the best sleep ever.

* * *

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxo.

**songs:**

**We'll Be Alright - Travie McCoy **_(good call, lightstardust)_

**Cherry Moon - Lorn**

**Butterfly - Jason Mraz**


	27. Memories

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks, nic. you're the cat's pajamas._

* * *

Though I'd woken up with Edward before, it had never been like this.

There was the time we stayed at the inn for New Year's, which had been great, but we'd had to check out relatively early. Then there was Valentine's Day, where I slept for a bit before having to sneak out at the butt crack of dawn.

But this was different. We had nowhere to be, nothing to do.

And we were so _naked_.

Life was going to be more like this when we started college, and that was surreal. Despite the fact we wouldn't be at the same school, we would be living in the same city, just minutes apart. There would be a lot of late nights and mornings waking up together.

I had to use the bathroom, which sucked because I was incredibly warm under the covers and the room was hyper-cold. Edward was still passed out beside me, breathing evenly, nothing visible but his hair and part of his face. I watched him for a second, remembering the way he'd looked the very first time I saw him.

_Ha, if only I'd known then where we'd eventually end up._

Once it became apparent that I wasn't going to be able to fall back asleep while desperately having to pee, I dragged myself out of bed.

He hadn't moved by the time I returned. Shivering a bit, I crept under the many layers of blanket and snuggled down deep, luxuriating in the softness all over my bare skin.

Our room was quiet, insulated. You'd never know we were in the busiest city ever. I closed my eyes and drifted.

* * *

My phone was on silent, but texts and voicemails made it vibrate and _that_ made it buzz and dance in my purse. I ignored it and rolled over, not quite ready to give up being away from the world.

Edward shifted on to his back, still sleeping but not really.

I snaked my hand over to him, wondering if he had morning wood. Sure enough, he did. He grabbed my hand when I touched his dick, smiling with his eyes closed.

"Don't start if you can't finish."

I squeezed and then let go, running my hand over his stomach.

He looked at me and yawned, bright eyes dimmed by grogginess. "How're you feeling?"

"Good."

"No headache?"

"No. You?"

He shook his head and rubbed his hand over his face. "I feel a little cloudy, but it's all good."

I nodded, reaching up to run my fingers through his hair.

"Did you have fun last night?" he asked, rolling on to his side to face me.

"Yeah." I smiled, remembering the craziness. "I'm glad we went."

"Me too. It was good seeing everybody… I wasn't expecting that."

I nodded again, thinking about Tia. She'd seemed pretty mellow and, while I could have done without seeing her at all, I felt an unexpected sense of closure. Almost like I'd seen the worst of Edwards's time away and it hadn't even been that bad.

"What do you want to do today?" he asked, tracing his fingers up and down my hip.

"Touristy stuff."

"Seriously?"

I nodded, smiling.

"What, like the Statue of Liberty?"

"Or the Empire State."

He nodded, coming closer. "What else?"

"What are your favorite things to do here?"

He shrugged. "I never spent all that much time in the city. I mean, there are some spots I really like… this one place down in the village we can go to for lunch…you like sushi?"

I nodded.

"I didn't like it 'til I had it there, so we'll go. And there's this crazy chocolate place I know you'll freak out over."

"Mmm…" I loved that he was willing to indulge my big city fantasies, even if just for a day.

"Mhm." He smiled lazily at me, tugging at my thigh. "So."

"So." I hooked my leg over his body and pushed him on to his back so I was straddling him.

He rested his hands on my hips, his eyes going from my boobs to my face and back. I leaned down, letting my hair brush against his face until he blew it away and turned his face.

Without further ado I raised my hips and let him inside.

* * *

We went back to Cornwall on Hudson late the next day. Alec met us at the train station and drove us back to the house, asking us about our weekend.

Exploring the city for two days and having unlimited time with Edward had been one of the best experiences of my life. Seeing things I'd always wanted to see was great, but having Edward as my tour guide had made it perfect.

Rain fell for the next couple of days, making Edward grumpy because we had yet to go camping. I didn't mind either way, but he'd really had his heart set on it.

Finally, two days before we left New York, the weather cleared up. Frankly, I was a little apprehensive about spending the night outdoors, but I tried not to be a complete basket case. Edward said he'd done it quite a few times before, and it had always been fun.

When the sun began to sink in the sky, we set out on the hiking trail behind the house. It went on for miles in to the forest, which – as Edward said – grew denser and darker the further in we went. To my relief, we didn't go that far.

I helped Edward set up the tent and then watched as he built a campfire.

"I had no idea you were such a nature boy," I commented, snapping a couple of pictures.

He nodded, toeing the rocks he was using to form a fire pit. "Alec got me in to it, I guess. I've always liked being outside, but it's different up here obviously. I couldn't exactly go to the beach."

"Is this your spot, then?" I asked, looking around. We were in a clearing, almost a meadow. The grass was softer here, though still sparse from winter's recent departure.

"Yeah. I used to come out here all the time and smoke, or read or whatever. Screw around. I brought Em when he came to visit."

"Ever bring any girls?" I teased, taking another picture of him.

"Nope." He grinned, grabbing the camera and taking a few pictures of me. "Just you."

"Aw."

He rolled his eyes and pulled me to my feet, giving me back my camera. "Things are different now."

"How so?"

"I used to come out here to decompress, be alone. Now I'm coming out here because I want you to see it." He smirked, taking another picture of me. "And so we can have sex outside."

"Highly unlikely," I lied. "I can't even take a shower out here."

"There are lakes, rivers…"

"Where we'll freeze." I turned away, hiding my smile. We both knew I'd give in.

"So?"

I grabbed my camera back and pulled his face down to mine, pressing our cheeks together. "No ugly faces, okay?"

"Okay."

He made every face but nice, and I ended up with the silliest, and probably best, series of shots.

* * *

We got back to Florida around ten thirty at night.

The heavy humidity felt like a wet blanket after the cool, crisp spring weather in New York. Fog covered the highways and streets, giving everything a dreamy finish. We spoke little but it was okay; we were just tired and ready to get some rest.

Edward drove me straight home, where my mom met us at the door and thanked him for taking care of me.

One would think that spending all that time with him would have satisfied the itch, but instead it only made it worse. Still, for once, I was too sleepy to care that I had to part ways with him.

Feeling gross from traveling, I took a quick shower. My mother was perched on the bed when I walked in to my room. She smiled, holding up an envelope.

"I know you're exhausted but… I didn't think you'd want to wait."

My heart skipped a beat. "Did you open it?"

"No; it's yours."

"So? Mom!" I grabbed it, nervous and excited. "What if –"

"Open it, Bella."

"Okay, okay." I ripped the envelope open and unfolded the paper inside.

_Dear Ms. Swan,_

_We are pleased to inform you, on behalf of the University of South Florida…_

I looked up to tell my mother, but I guessed she could tell already by the huge grin on my face.

"Congratulations, baby," she whispered, hugging me tightly.

"Thanks," I said, shaking a little. I'd been confident that they would accept me, but knowing now for sure felt really good. I was relieved. The plans I'd been making, the little fantasies I'd dreamt up about college life, were suddenly real and happening.

This was happening.

Mom pulled away, her eyes wet and red. I bit my lip and grabbed her hand, a bit over-tired and emotional myself.

She waved me away, shaking her head as she laughed. "I'm turning in to my mother."

I laughed, too, looking back at the paper in my hands. "I can't believe it."

"Neither can I. Well, I can, but it's strange watching it unfold from this side of the fence."

I nodded, sitting down on the edge of my bed, my mind whirring as I thought about who I'd tell first. Probably Edward.

"Can't wait to tell Dad," she said, giving my hair a tug as she left. "Tomorrow. Be prepared."

* * *

"You sure you don't want any more?" Mrs. Pena asked, serving spoon in hand.

As usual, I'd overdone it on her rice and beans. "No, thanks. It was so good, though."

She smiled, placing a cover on top of the pot. "I'll send you home with some."

"That would be great." I got up and pushed my chair back, rubbing my belly. "Um…any plantains left?"

"Already got it, nina."

I gave her a hug from behind, squeezing tight. Everything these days was making me sentimental, even Alice's mother's cooking. People talked about gaining the freshman fifteen at college; I wasn't worried. If I was going to put on weight it would have been right here in this kitchen.

Alice smacked my butt on her way to the bedroom. "Come on."

I followed her inside, shutting the door with my foot. She'd gotten acceptance letters to two schools in Georgia, both of which had great dance programs and one of which was near Jasper. It didn't take a genius to figure out which one she was leaning toward.

"So, I called Jasper today and told him," she said, sitting criss-cross apple sauce.

"Yeah? And what'd he say?" I asked, smiling in anticipation. The two of them were so steady and so in love it was disgusting. And beautiful.

"He's so excited, Bella," she gushed, grinning. "I mean, so am I. He kind of wanted me to get a single because, you know." Her cheeks pinkened. "I don't think I will, though. I want to meet people, and all that jazz."

A sudden lump rose in my throat. I was so very attached to Alice, our friendship, and our way of life. As little kids we'd fantasized about attending college together, and while I knew we'd outgrown such childishness, I still ached with the knowledge we'd be separated by the end of summer.

"I think that's good," I said quietly, nodding. "I want roommates too. Well, I think I do. We'll see how I feel after a semester."

She laughed lightly. "I know, right?"

I looked up at her, and she was looking at me, and then I didn't know what happened. Tears spilled down over my cheeks. "I'm going to miss you so bad."

"Shut up, me too," she said, scooting closer so she could hug me. Her face was as wet as mine.

"At least we'll be close," I whispered, wiping my cheeks with the back of my hand.

"And you'll have Edward," she reminded me, but I could feel the quaking in her breathing.

We sat there until the crying turned to sniffly giggles. "Poor Rose is gonna be stuck down in Miami with Emmett," I said, cringing.

"Oh, my God. I know."

It had been two weeks since Spring Break and things had really gone downhill for Emmett and Rose. I didn't breathe a word about the pictures Edward had shown me; that would have been like pouring gasoline on the fire that was Rose's jealous temper. And Edward didn't say anything about her Panama City conquests to Emmett, who would have flipped out despite his "over it" pretenses.

But Jensen Beach was small, and people talked. Pictures talked even more.

Emmett didn't even have a Facebook… not that it had stopped at least one mutual friend from posting pictures of his exploits. The whole thing was very Jerry Springer. Or maybe Jersey Shore.

Rose's relationship status now said "single/looking for a relationship".

Whereas before I'd felt like Rose was the one who could have prevented some of the drama in the beginning, now I was just worn out with the both of them. I wanted to be there for her, but I was so tired of hearing about it, especially because I was dating the brother of her ex.

"It's kind of sad," I said, sighing. "They were so great for so long and now they hate each other."

Alice nodded. "Well, like my mom says, you can't hate someone unless you loved them first. They totally still love each other; they're just too stubborn to admit."

"Very true," I said, lying back on her bed. "So is Jasper going to be able to make it back for graduation?"

"Yeah. Classes end a lot earlier for them than they do for us, so he'll have plenty of time."

"Cool. Guess you'll be MIA for awhile," I teased.

"Don't hate," Alice said, pinching my side as she lay next to me.

"Never."

Time sped up. Before we knew it, we were looking high school graduation in the face. Our days were filled with yearbook signing, exams and commencement ceremony rehearsals. Sometimes I walked the halls of JBH and looked at the freshman as they moved by in herds. It had only been a few years since I'd been that age, and yet so much had happened.

All we'd ever wanted was freedom from school and now that we were close I saw our campus through different eyes.

"Ugh, this place smells like ass," complained Rose, yanking at the heavy fabric of her gown.

We were assembled in the auditorium, practicing in our caps and shiny, teal gowns. It was hot as Hades outside and despite the air conditioning _inside_ the building smelled sweaty and gross.

"I know," I sighed, tiptoeing around a group of guys in front of me. We'd been going through this whole song and dance for_ever_. How hard could it possibly be to frigging march in and then go onstage when your name was called? "We should be just about done. I think she wants us to run it through just one more time."

"Whatever. As long as I get some chocolate in me soon, I'm good," Rose said.

"Ah, that's right. Shark week. No wonder you're bitchier than usual," Alice said, rolling her eyes. "I have M&Ms in my bag; you want some?"

"Ugh, yes please."

Alice jogged over to her backpack while Rose turned to me. "So, I heard Em's back in town."

I nodded, studying my nails. "Yeah, they finished school last week, didn't they?"

She shrugged, but her nonchalance wasn't fooling me. Alice returned with the chocolate and for a few minutes Rose was quiet as she chewed.

"He's not coming to graduation is he?"

"Do you want him to come?" I asked.

She licked a bit of chocolate off her lip, shaking her head. "Not really."

"Do you want me to ask Edward?"

"No." But then she sighed. "Yeah. Just so I know."

"Okay." I rubbed her back. As tough as Rose liked to be, there was no getting around the fact that Emmett Cullen was her first and only love. It wasn't like she'd never, ever been with anybody else, but it might as well have been that way.

The microphone up on stage squealed with feedback, making everyone groan. Mrs. Cope cleared her throat and clapped her hands together. "All right, everyone – last time. Line up, please."

* * *

We swung quietly on my parent's new porch swing, waiting until dinner was ready.

The night air was heavy with jasmine and gardenia, something I noticed only when I sat outside. I was always surprised at the sweetness; in winter the air had little scent at all and in the deepest parts of summer it smelled ripe and green. In late spring, though, it smelled like this.

"What're you thinking about?" Edward asked, shifting us back and forth with his foot.

"The way the air smells," I said, smiling in to my sweet tea.

He huffed softly, a sound of amusement. "That's Bella."

"That's me," I agreed, running my bare foot along his leg. He was wearing shorts again, because it was already so damned hot. "What're you thinking about?"

"Emmett."

"What about him?"

"He wants to go away this summer," he said. "And he wants me to go with him."

"Are you going to go?"

"No." He shook his head. "I just want to chill."

We were finally getting a summer to ourselves. Thank God.

"Is he coming to our graduation?"

"I don't think so… did you want him to? He'd come for you."

At that moment, I ached for Rose. I wondered how far gone their relationship truly was, and if they'd ever be together again.

"I'd like him to be there," I said, running my finger down the condensation on my glass. "I think Rose would too, but she won't admit it. I don't know; maybe she doesn't want him there."

"What a mess," Edward groaned, setting his glass down and leaning back.

"I know."

We sat in silence for awhile, listening to the chirping of crickets and frogs.

"I hope there are quiet places when we're in Tampa," I said, sighing.

"I'm sure there are," he said, resting his arm along the back of the swing. "And there are beaches there, too. We'll have our spots."

My belly warmed at the thought of us having _our_ anything. "Will you miss this?" I asked.

He looked at me. "A little. I kind of already went through this, you know? Leaving home… it'll be easy compared to last time."

That made sense. I was the sheltered one who'd barely been away from the Treasure Coast, not him.

"It's close enough that we can come home every weekend if you want to," he said, cocking his head. "I really hope you don't want to."

"I won't want to," I laughed, sitting closer so I could kiss him. "Not every weekend. You'll just have to keep my mind occupied."

"Easy."

"Good."

"Good." He leaned in slowly and kissed me, curving his fingers around the back of my neck.

"All right, all right," my father's voice interrupted, breaking the spell. He'd probably been watching, just waiting for us to go for it. "Dinner's ready."

* * *

In the end Emmett did come to graduation.

He and Edward found me in the crowd right afterward, while I was taking pictures with my family. All of my grandparents had come, even Gran. Though she could walk now, it was a slow, stilted process, so they'd opted for a wheelchair to make getting around a bit simpler.

Edward grabbed me in a hug. "Congrats, graduate."

"Pfft, shush," I said, kissing him. Emmett grinned down at me, hands shoved down deep in his pockets. "Hi, Em." I gave him a hug, too. It felt like we hadn't seen each other in ages and in a way, we hadn't. He hadn't been coming around the group as much since his falling out with Rose.

Thinking of Rose, I glanced around, wondering where she was. Once our class had been awarded its diplomas and awards, and we'd all tossed our caps in to the air, it had been happy chaos. Alice was nearby with her family, but I had yet to see the other part of our trio.

"I'm gonna head out," Em said, giving me another hug. "Congratulations, Bella. I'll see you soon, okay?"

"Okay." I watched him disappear into the sea of people.

Rose walked up a few minutes later, her cheeks flushed. "Hi!"

"Hi!" I cried, throwing my arms around her neck. "Can you believe we're done?"

"No," she said, shaking her head. My mother took a picture of the two of us.

"So, um, Emmett was here."

"Yeah, I saw him," she said softly.

My mother walked over, put an arm around Rose. "Are you coming with us, honey? We're heading out."

"Oh, no thanks. My parents are taking me to lunch."

"I'll see you later," I said, hugging her again. "I'll be by around five."

Our class had decided to throw an unofficial graduation party down at the beach later on. After spending the rest of the day with my family, I changed in to a strappy little sundress and went back out to pick up the girls.

The beach was already packed by the time we got there. Tons of our classmates were there, as well as a few underclassmen and some kids from Martin County. I parked the truck as close to the beach path as I could and we got out, greeting people along the way.

There were rumors that we were going to have a bonfire once it got dark, but we had to be careful with that. Cops were sure to be keeping an eye out because of the sheer number of kids hanging out; hopefully they'd stay on the road and not come on to the beach. I hoped we could pull it out; it had been awhile since I'd partied at a bonfire and I missed that vibe.

I spied Angela and Jessica with their boys over by a pair of coolers. They waved us over and supplied us with beer. We settled down on their blankets with them, exchanging cameras so we could look at each other's pictures from earlier.

The sun reddened and started to sink. Edward had said he'd catch up with me later, but he still hadn't showed up. I'd just reached in to my bag for my phone to check for messages when Rose inhaled sharply.

I looked up. "What?"

"Son of a bitch." She was angry as hell but her voice wobbled, like she was going to cry.

Emmett had just arrived with some girl. Even I was taken aback; he'd known we would all here. I grabbed Rose's arm but she shot up like a rocket, tears streaming down her face. Alice looked over at me, her hand over her mouth.

He looked in our direction then, frowning when his eyes landed on Rose.

With a soft cry she spun around and left, kicking her flip flops off so she could run.

Emmett walked over, thankfully without the girl. "Hey…"

"Seriously, Emmett?" I exhaled warily. "What's up with that?"

"She's just some girl," he muttered. For a second he wavered, and I knew then he and Rose really were broken. But then his face fell. "Shit." He took off after Rose.

I didn't know whether to laugh or pray for them.

Angela laughed uneasily. "Wow."

"There's Jasper," Alice said, standing up. "Maybe they're all here."

"I really hope so," I sighed, draining the rest of my beer and setting the bottle in the sand.

Once the sun set, someone put music on. Every once in a while a cloud of weed would float by; judging by the variety of scents, people were toking different kinds. I kept glancing over to the entrance, where kids were coming through from the parking lot.

And then he was there with his boys, just like when I was fourteen and my entire world spun on an axis set by him. My heart thumped in nostalgic acknowledgment.

Only, this time, he was searching for somebody. Me.

I waited 'til he was looking my way before waving. He nodded, tapping Jake, and headed over.

"I was wondering when you'd come," I said, brushing sand off my butt as I stood. "Hi Jake."

"Hey, Bella." He hugged me. "Congrats."

"Thanks." I turned back to Edward. "Hi."

"Hi." He leaned down and kissed me. "We were just hanging out."

"Same here," I said. "Uh…Emmett was here? He came with some chick I'd never seen before."

"Yeah." He scratched his head. "Don't know about that."

"Well, Rose freaked out and like, ran away crying… so he chased her."

"Are you serious?"

"Yep."

"Wow," he chuckled. "Not sorry I missed that. Listen, did you want to stay?"

I shrugged, surveying the scene. It was ridiculously crowded now. "Either way. Why, you got something in mind?"

"Maybe. Something quieter."

I nodded. "I just have to get Rose."

"If she's with Emmett she'll be okay."

"Yeah, but I have to make sure."

"Call her."

I tried to call Rose, but it kept going to her voicemail. "I'm just going to find her and tell her we're leaving. Alice, you staying?"

She turned to Jasper, who was sitting with his legs wrapped around her. "No, we'll follow you."

"Okay. Be right back; I have to tell Rose we're going."

She wasn't hard to find. Several hundred feet down the beach, right past the edge of the crowd, Emmett had her in his arms. It looked like he was whispering something in her ear.

Edward stopped beside me. "Huh."

"Yeah." I bit my lip, debating on whether or not I should interrupt. After a few minutes of observing their rather intimate interaction, I decided to text her. I watched as she looked at her phone, and then down to where we were standing. She waved and turned back to Emmett.

"There's your answer. Let's go," Edward said, taking my hand.

I realized that the whole Emmett and Rose debacle must've been stressing me out some, because seeing them together just then was a relief. I really hoped they could reconcile. It would be one thing if they'd both moved on, but it looked like neither of them had.

"Okay?" Edward asked, squeezing my hand.

I squeezed back. "Yeah."

The boys followed me home so that I could drop my truck off. We went to another, quieter beach, where a group of Edward and Jake's friends were having a bonfire. I recognized some of the faces from back in the day. A couple of joints were going around the circle, but I was mellow enough as it was and didn't partake.

"Do you ever miss smoking?" I asked Edward, nudging his shoulder with mine.

He smiled, almost a little sadly. "Sometimes. I like the way it smells."

"Me too." I dug my toes in to the sand. It was cool to the touch now that night had fallen.

Across the fire Jasper and Alice had lain back, like they were stargazing. I stood up, tugging Edward along with me, and began walking with him down the beach.

"Want to hear something really cheesy?" I asked.

"Go for it."

"Sometimes, right after you'd let for New York, I'd look at the sky and imagine we were looking at the same stars."

He was silent for a second. "That really is cheesy," he snickered.

I snorted. "Shut up, I know."

"But it's also very you."

I smiled, because he knew me now, knew so many of the silly littles that made up who I was. Sometimes when I stepped back I saw how well I knew him, as well.

The sky was really clear, and if I concentrated hard enough I could make out a couple of constellations. I kind of hoped for a shooting star, but those tended to come when least expected.

"I probably was you know," Edward said suddenly.

"What, looking at the same stars?"

"Yeah. I was always outside at Alec's."

"Smoking up in the wilderness."

"Thinking about you," he corrected, pulling me down on to the sand.

"You're so full of shit," I muttered, sitting on his lap. "Charmer."

But then he kissed me, and I was charmed for sure.

And, just maybe… I'd charmed him right back.

* * *

_so, next chapter's the last. many thanks to you all for the comments, reviews, tweets, and loveliness. on another note, i am now completely addicted to Words with Friends, on both my android and my ipad. yeah, it's bad._

* * *

**songs:**

**Heaven - Lamb**

**Go Outside - Cults**

**Memories - Talib Kweli**


	28. Somersault

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_sigh. i love you, nic. not much more i can say._

_thanks for the love, guys. shall we? one last time?_

* * *

Bright white clouds floated past the sun directly overhead, offering temporary respite from the blinding shine.

Sitting up, I shaded my eyes and looked out at the water, trying to find Edward amongst the surfers speckling the waves. It was a rough day, the water churning murky turquoise. A summer storm lurked at the edges of the horizon, framing the bright blue sky with the beginnings of grey.

The family who had been sitting beside us finished packing up and walked away, the tiniest trailing along in the back, a shovel in her hand. The beach had been emptying slowly for the past half hour, and I wondered when Edward would be ready to call it a day. I preferred when it was uncrowded like this, but we'd been here for hours and I was hungry.

It was just me and the boys today. Alice was spending the day with her mother and Rose had decided to spend her afternoon poolside. She and Emmett were on fragile ground, navigating their reconciliation slowly and cautiously. It was odd to see them so careful around each other when they'd always been so impetuous before.

A nice swell reared up, several of the guys popping up on to their boards to ride it in. Spying Edward's green and white board shorts, I grabbed my camera and snapped a couple of shots of him. I'd been a lot more meticulous about cataloguing our relationship this time around; I had pictures of _everything._

He waded out of the water, stopping only to detach himself from his leash before coming toward me.

"Man, you got dark," he commented, dropping the board beside me.

I handed him a bottle of water from the cooler and glanced down at my arms. "I'd hope so… we've been out here since ten."

"What time's it?"

"Three."

He nodded, draining the rest of his bottle before plopping down beside me. His skin was cold and wet, and I shrank away, which of course only enticed him closer.

"I really like this one," he said, running his finger underneath the fabric of my new bikini. His eyes flashed up to mine when he grazed the side of my breast, and he grinned.

I smacked his hand away and leaned forward to kiss him. "Good."

He kissed me back until we were interrupted by Emmett, kicking up sand and spraying droplets of water like a dog at the beach. "I'm headin' out."

Edward looked up, shading his eyes. "Where you off to?"

He shrugged, accepting the water bottle I offered him. "Probably Rose's."

_Probably, my ass._

"You're coming out tonight, right?" Edward asked.

"Wouldn't miss it, bro." Emmett leaned down to ruffle Edward's hair. "Happy birthday."

"Thanks."

"Bye, Bella."

"Bye, Em. Tell Rose I'll just see her tonight, then."

"Will do." Emmett grabbed his backpack and walked away, pouring the rest of his water over his face.

"What do you want to do now, birthday boy?" I ask, reclining sideways on the towel. "I'm kind of hungry."

"I'm starving," Edward said. "And I want a beer. I don't feel like being inside yet though."

"Let's grab something from here and go down to Bryn Mawr. It's more chill."

We packed up our things and headed to the overpriced food stand up on the boardwalk, where we loaded up on burgers and chips to go. Edward had a six pack in another cooler he'd kept in the trunk; we hadn't bothered bringing it on to the beach because, beside the fact he'd been surfing all day, bottles weren't allowed.

Brwn Mawr, a smaller, more secluded beach further south, was ideal though.

We ate and drank on the empty shore, watching the occasional pelican swoop down for a meal of his own out on the water. Storm clouds were coming in now, slowly darkening both the sky and the water.

"So is your twentieth everything you'd hoped and dreamed?" I polished off my second brew and burped in satisfaction.

"Almost," he said, wiping his hands on a napkin. He pushed me back so I was lying flat and kissed me, combing his fingers through my hair. "You're hot…but in the summer you're _smokin'_."

I giggle-snorted up at his smiling, too-close face. "Oh, yeah?"

He nodded, his eyes flickering all over me. "Your skin gets tan, and your hair gets these little light streaky things. I've had a boner since I picked you up."

"Shut up," I laughed, trying to pull him down so I could kiss him. He resisted, though.

"I'm serious. And this thing is distracting." He tugged at one of the ties keeping my bikini bottoms closed.

"Hey, someone could walk up," I said. "Fix it…"

"But it's my birthday."

"Yeah, _day_ being the operative word. We can have sex on the beach on your birthnight."

"Promise?"

I rolled my eyes, secretly pretty aroused already. "Promise."

"I want another beer."

"Glad to see you've got the college mindset down pat," I teased. "Beer and girls."

"Just one girl," he said, sliding his hand down my stomach.

"Promise?" I raised my eyebrows.

He smirked. "Promise."

"Good. Maybe beer and bikinis make you horny, but commitment makes _me_ horny."

"Tease," he murmured, finally kissing me. He reached in to my swimsuit, which he still hadn't re-tied, and touched me.

I closed my legs, catching his hand.

He kissed me deeper.

"Let's go to the car," I gasped, turning away from his mouth.

"Is that, like, let's go to the car, or is it _let's go to the car_?" he asked, wiggling his trapped hand.

I squirmed out from beneath him and quickly fixed my bottoms before standing. The heat and the beer combined with getting up too fast gave me a head rush and I paused, glancing over at Edward, who had a serious tent going on in his shorts.

The wind picked up suddenly, and Edward grabbed our trash before it blew away.

"How do you feel about sand in the car?" I asked, grabbing my towel and walking backward toward the parking lot. Unlike where we'd been earlier, this beach didn't have outdoor showers.

"Depends," he said, coming toward me.

No sooner had I reached the car than he pinned me to it, turning me around so he could kiss me. I thought it was a good thing Edward's birthday was on a weekday this year – otherwise all of the beaches would have been packed to capacity, even quieter ones like this.

I hooked one leg around his calf to tug him closer. He hoisted my other leg up around him, but I was still kind of damp and so I kept sliding down the car. Between that and my beer buzz, I was soon laughing too hard to kiss.

Edward chuckled, easing me back to standing. His hair was stuck up all over the place, complements of wind, salt water, and my roaming hands.

"Let's christen your car," I said, finally giving voice to one of my fantasies.

"Backseat," he said, his eyes closing in to lazy little slits. "And I don't care about sand."

He unlocked the door and let me climb in first. I put a dry towel down and pulled him in after me.

"Man, it's hot," he panted, stretching up to the front to turn the car on.

I lay back, trying to get comfortable, which wasn't happening in the nearly non-existent backseat.

Edward twisted around to look at me. "It sounded like a good idea at the time."

"Come on." I yanked him down on top of me. "Before somebody pulls up."

He got on to his knees and untied one side of my bottoms again. I helped him get his board shorts down, trying not to laugh when his dick got in the way.

"Yeah, you won't be laughing in a minute."

I nodded, watching him slide the triangles of my bikini top to the sides, exposing my breasts to his mouth. Fooling around on the beach had put me in the mood but there was nothing like Edward's tongue. He licked and sucked, all the while rubbing against me down below, back and forth, until I was so wet it was impossible for him _not_ to slide in.

Oh, but he felt so good. Maybe the confined space made it better; I couldn't exactly sprawl out. He thrust slowly, tight movements that echoed throughout my whole body. I didn't know if I could come, though.

"I'm starting to cramp," he muttered, pulling out.

"What do you want to do?"

He nudged me to the side and sat on the seat, bringing me on to his lap. The top of my head bumped the roof of the car until I leaned forward so that my arms were resting on the back shelf. I scooted up and guided him inside me.

"Ugh, yeah. Perfect," he groaned as I started to move.

I shivered; he was really deep now, and hitting good spots. He grabbed my ass and held me that way, controlling the way I rolled my hips, pushing up in to me as I rode him as hard as I could. Soon, though, I had to go faster; those elusive little tingles were starting and I needed to come.

I was a moaner, but sometimes Edward was a talker.

"God, Bella. No... yeah. No… don't stop… oh… God…"

I grabbed his face and kissed him as I came, my movements crazy and messy. He followed soon after.

We sat there, panting. Despite the air conditioning we were both flushed and sweaty, our skin slippery-slick.

He circled his hips, making me sigh. I kissed and nibbled his ear, finally opening my eyes.

"Um… Edward?"

"Mmm."

"A cop just pulled in to the parking lot."

* * *

Edward went as fast as he could without breaking the speed limit, glancing at his rear view mirror every couple of seconds. Eventually, the police car turned off down some side road, leaving us alone.

Because we'd only shoved our clothing aside, it hadn't been too hard to tug it back to place in time for the officer to tap on Edward's window. He'd taken one look at us in the backseat and told us to move along immediately before he gave us a ticket. We didn't have to be told twice. Edward scrambled to the driver's seat and reversed out before I even had the chance to get up front.

"Holy shit," Edward kept muttering.

"So you still wanna do it on the beach tonight?" I snickered, pulling a tank top on over my swimsuit.

He gave me the side eye. "Haha."

"That could have been so, so bad. If you didn't have tinted windows…"

"Dude. If he'd looked any closer he would've seen the beer bottles," he said, shaking his head. Not to mention the potential for disaster had he asked for our driver's licenses. My father was a cop, for crying out loud. I shuddered to think of it.

We slowed at a stop sign.

"You're not still buzzing, are you?" I asked, belatedly concerned.

"Nope. Even if you hadn't just screwed it out of me, nothing sobers you up like near arrest."

I laughed quietly, my thighs automatically clenching a bit at what we'd just done. "I didn't even get to clean up. I was gonna go for another swim."

He cringed. "That sucks."

"Just get me home," I said, scratching behind his neck.

A couple of hours later we met up with Rose and Emmett at Benihana's to celebrate Edward's birthday. Before long, Jake and his date showed up, followed by Alice and Jasper. So many of our friends trickled in afterwards that the restaurant staff moved us to a large table in the back, where we spent the rest of the night hanging out.

Not only was this Edward's twentieth birthday, but it was the first one he'd been home for in years. There was nothing better than looking at him and knowing he was in a truly good place. I'd always wanted him to be happy, but knowing we were happy together made me sparkle inside.

At one point I glanced across the table just in time to see Rose whisper something in Emmett's ear. His cheeks turned pink, and I knew it wasn't from the sake. I looked away, not wanting to intrude on their moment. Though my relationship with Edward had done nothing but thrive during the time they'd been apart, it felt really good to see them together again, like all was right with the world.

* * *

In late July I drove up to Tampa to for USF's orientation.

Even though I wasn't really supposed to bring my parents along, they insisted on coming anyway, saying they'd check out Tampa while I met my roommate for the weekend and attended the planned events and tours.

I had been to the campus before to visit friends, but I saw it through new eyes now. This was going to be my home for the next four years – at least. Edward's orientation was two weeks after mine, but he'd already toured his campus. He said it wasn't far from mine at all.

Busch Gardens was just a hop, skip and jump away; I texted Alice and Rose, telling them we needed to make that a priority before summer ended.

"So, what do you think?" Dad asked over dinner.

I grinned, taking a sip of my Shirley Temple. "I think I love it."

"Yeah?" My mom smiled, too. "And you're not too far from home… the drive wasn't bad at all."

"I know; Edward said we could drive down whenever," I said, taking another bite of food.

Dad frowned, like I knew he would. He was so full of crap. Mom had already told me that they both approved of Edward. "You're taking the truck, though, right?"

I nodded. "Yeah. But if I'm going to come home, it just makes sense to carpool."

"Right," Dad snorted. "I was in college too, you know."

"Yep, and look who you met there," I said, glancing at my mother.

She winked at me. "Indeed."

* * *

Exhausted, I wiped my face and sat on my bed. Having lived in the same house since age five, I'd had plenty of time over the years to accumulate junk, so I'd just made a trip to my favorite thrift shop to drop off donations. Alice and I'd spent many a morning there combing through clothes and books, but not today. The point was now to get rid of stuff, not buy more.

For the past couple of days I'd been working on my room, separating what was staying from what I was bringing and getting rid of the rest. Obviously I couldn't bring it all – my new dorm was a small, two bedroom suite. It was nicer than I'd anticipated, though, with huge, leafy trees outside and views of courtyards and paths down below. I'd already started corresponding with my roommate, Rebecca, a girl from Jacksonville, through email and Facebook. So far we seemed to have plenty in common, and I was looking forward to hanging out with her.

Rose would be the first to leave. Her step-father had hooked her up with the best student housing available on campus, and she started classed in less than a week. Having Emmett at the same school meant a guaranteed social life right off the bat, and while she said she wasn't interested in pledging, I suspected she'd have no problem enjoying Em's Greek status.

Alice and I were due to leave right after, within a day of each other. Like me and Edward, Al and Jasper were attending different colleges, but they'd be living within minutes of one another.

There was a soft knock on my door. My father walked in, looking around the room.

"Looks like you're just about done," he said, rubbing his chin as he sat beside me.

I nodded, resting my head on his shoulder. "Just about. I need a couple of boxes to pack my books and stuff, but that's it."

"I'll stop by Publix tomorrow; grab a few from the back."

"Thanks."

We sat for awhile, not speaking. Outside, children played, their voices fading as they moved further down the street. Summer days were dwindling now, and soon they'd be back in school.

"You gonna come home and visit your old man?" Dad asked, rubbing my back.

"If it keeps you from going up there to check on me, heck yeah."

He chuckled. "Smart ass."

I swallowed back the lump in my throat. "Of course I'll visit, Daddy. That's what's good about staying in-state, right?"

"Right." His voice was rough, and I knew he was feeling emotional too. Not that he'd show it much.

My father wasn't much of a talker, but he communicated in other ways. I slid an arm around his waist and tucked closer in to his side, breathing in his familiar smell, smiling when he rubbed his scratchy chin across my temple.

"Love you, Dad."

"Love you too, baby."

* * *

Rose's parent's invited my parents and Mrs. Pena to come over for dinner on Rose's last night. It had been years since our families had gotten together like this, even though it was something we'd done on occasion back in the day.

It was an emotional night, with the adults drinking and reminiscing while us girls sneaked drinks and did some reminiscing of our own. By the time our parents left, the three of us were holed up in Rose's bedroom with a bottle of wine, playing our favorite songs on repeat and crying.

Which led to laughing, which then degenerated into more crying.

"It's gonna be easy for you guys," wailed Alice, swaying. "You're just hours away…"

"Not really," I argued. "Tampa to Miami is like…" I trailed off, counting on my fingers.

"It's like five hours. Six. Depending on traffic. Maybe more," Rose said, flipping through a photo album, circa middle school. "Oh man, Bella, remember when your Mom was our teacher?" She giggled drunkenly, flopping back on to the floor.

"Ugh." I frowned, but then I laughed, looking at the pictures. That had been seventh grade.

"You're coming home for Thanksgiving, right?" I asked Alice.

She nodded. "Wouldn't miss my mom's cooking for anything."

"I'll be the closest, but I doubt I'll be visiting a lot," Rose said.

"You say that now." I shook my head. "Watch. You'll miss it."

"We need to plan a trip to Atlanta to see Alice," she said.

"You guys better come," Alice said, sitting cross-legged beside me. "I'm serious."

I nodded, patting her thigh. "We will."

Just then a song we'd listened to a lot back in the day came on. It was about love, but it reminded me of the girls. None of us could sing but we belted it out anyway until we were breathless and sniffling. Again.

The next morning, Alice and I walked Rose outside. Emmett was already there, packing what wouldn't fit in to her car, in to his. He grinned when he saw us, shaking his head.

"You guys look like crap."

"Thanks, I feel like it," I muttered. My head was pounding and my face hurt, swollen from crying and carrying on half the night.

Rose closed her trunk and walked over, tightening her ponytail. "Well, this is it."

I nodded, grabbing her in a tight hug. She hugged Alice next.

"When's your Mom driving down?" Alice asked.

"Tonight, probably."

"Drive safely," I said.

She smiled. "We will."

Emmett put his arm around her shoulder. "You ready?"

She nodded, wiping her eyes. "All right. Go, you guys. Seriously. I'll call you when I'm settled."

Alice and I left quickly after that, not needing anymore histrionics. You'd swear we were being separated for the rest of our lives instead of a few months.

"I feel sorta pukey," Alice moaned, leaning her forehead against the window.

"Want me to pull over?"

"Nah, I'll be fine. Just… ugh. Stop at 7-11 so I can get ginger ale or something."

"What about a diner?"

"Yeah, that works."

I pulled in to the first place I saw, Bob Evans or some crap.

"I'm starving," I said, linking my arm through Alice's.

She smiled weakly, but her eyes were shiny.

"Don't start, Maria Alice. I can't, not anymore. My head feels like it's gonna explode."

* * *

The night that Alice left, Edward and I were camped out in his apartment, watching movies.

As heartbroken as I was that that the girls were gone, I was almost relieved. Now I could move on and focus on other things, like my future and Edward. My parents were another story, but I knew I'd be seeing them relatively often.

"Stop laughing at me," I said, kicking at Edward's leg.

"Sorry, I'm sorry." He kissed the top of my head. "I just…damn. I knew girls were emotional, but this…"

"I've known them since elementary," I said, shrugging. "I know this seems silly, but they've been a part of my life for as long as I can remember. Other friends have faded, but not them. It's special, you know?"

He nodded. "Guess that's like me and Em."

"Except you didn't cry when you had to leave him," I said, laughing.

"Don't be so sure."

"You cried?" I sat up so I could look at him. "When you left?"

He smirked. "And there she goes in to compassionate mode."

"Edward…"

"Yeah, I cried a little. I was pissed…but I was also really, really depressed. I got over it though. You will too."

"Such a guy. Thanks for the chin-up."

"Anytime."

I rolled my eyes and snuggled back against him. We fell quiet, reabsorbing back in to the movie. At some point I must have fallen asleep, because I awoke to Edward lightly shaking me. The screen had returned to the DVD menu.

Yawning, I sat up. "What time is it?"

"Just past eleven."

"Hmm."

"What's up?"

"Deciding if I'm tired enough to go home." I stretched, yawning again.

"You could just crash here."

"Theoretically. In reality nothing would piss my Dad off more."

Edward smiled lazily, helping me up off his bed. "Come on."

"Where're we going?"

"Outside."

I slipped my flip flops on and followed him out the door and down the stairs.

We went in to the main house, where Edward grabbed a couple of clean towels from the laundry room.

"Are we going swimming?" I whispered. "Because I didn't bring my suit."

"You left one here," he said, nodding toward a basket on the floor. Sure enough, one of my old bikinis was caught in the pile of miscellaneousness.

"Nice. Your parents won't mind, right?"

"They're sleeping."

We changed and went out on to the pool deck, where the night air was comfortably balmy. The water was warm, too.

"Oh, it feels good," I said with a sigh of contentment. "You put the heater on."

"It's been on… my parents like to go swimming after dinner sometimes."

"Mm."

I swam and floated for awhile, loving the lightness and the weightlessness. The sky was so clear it was pristine, with stars and a moon so bright they didn't appear real.

I swam over to where Edward was standing. "What're you thinking about?"

"Tomorrow," he said. "I think my parents are just gonna follow me up, even though they said they weren't."

"They just want to be there this time," I said, running my fingers through his wet hair. "See you off properly. Katie's going too, right?"

"Yeah."

"When do you think you'll head up?"

"They want to leave around noon. What time are you guys going?"

"Late morning. My Dad wanted me to ride with them, but I need my truck, so…" I looked up at him. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness and I could see him better now. He gazed down at me, running his hands up and down my arms. "I'm glad we're going to be together," I said. "You and me."

He nodded, drawing me closer. "Me too."

"Would you have gone to Tampa if we hadn't gotten together?"

"Probably." He smirked. "I would've worn you down eventually."

"Like I wore you down, way back when."

"Just like that."

I tiptoed up to kiss him, and he held me there, kissing back.

It felt like a forever kind of love with him, and I hoped that in the end, it would be. But for now his kiss was enough, his words were enough, and knowing that he'd chosen me over anyone and anything else was enough.

"Love you."

* * *

_and that's that._

_thank you so very much for the reviews, comments, twitter-love and just... all of it. i really never imagined this would have gotten such a warm response, but i'm glad it did. now i'm off to be emo and hormonal, like the girls crying on rose's last night. only i can't drink. darn._

_xoxoxoxoxoxo_

* * *

**songs: **_(extra juicy to top things off)_

**Summer Madness - Kool & the Gang**

**Wish You Were Here - Incubus**

**Sunshowers - M.I.A**

**Where Is My Mind - the Pixies**

**Don't Let Go - Pacha Massive**

**I Burn For You - Sting/the Police**

**Somersault - Zero 7**


	29. It's Not True

_the one shot i wrote for the Fandom Gives Back._

_All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization._

_thanks to my friend and beta, nic. _

* * *

**Starry Eyed Inside (EPOV of chapters 14, 15 & 20)**

**by**

**Rochelle Allison**

**Rating: M**

**Genre Romance**

**E/B**

* * *

_Chapters 14 & 15_

Waking up in my old bed after years in a narrow, dark dorm was a little surreal. My first thought, once my eyes adjusted and I remembered where I was: _it's just the same but nothing's the same_.

Morning sun slanted through the same blinds I'd had since I was a kid, showcasing the places where they'd cracked and been taped half-assed. Mom hadn't changed the room at all. Several of my old skim boards were propped in the corner, between my desk and closet, and I could still see the spot on the carpet where Emmett and I had once spilled bong water on it.

I glanced at the clock beside my bed; barely eight a.m. That was the problem with living such a regimental life – I was so used to being up at the butt crack of dawn that I couldn't even sleep in. Thankfully there was no jet lag to be had between New York and Florida, though. It felt good to just veg out for once, nothing to do and nowhere to be, like I was off the grid.

Florida. A warm, familiar feeling spread through my stomach. I was home, and it felt damn good. No classes or assignments, no uniform or insanely strict rules. Getting to the beach was a priority, as was getting Mom to make lasagna, with homemade cannoli for dessert. And to think I'd been apprehensive about coming back to Jensen Beach. Now that I was home, the past few weeks of goodbyes, packing and relocation stress seemed distant and fuzzy.

I took a piss and headed downstairs, running my hands over my hair as I went. I'd let it grow out from my buzz over the summer, but it was still nowhere near as long as it had once been. Probably never would be; that shit just wasn't me anymore. Catching my reflection in the kitchen window, I wondered who I was these days. Not a beach brat, but not a wannabe soldier, either.

Whatever…I'd figure it out. Stomach rumbling non-stop now, I opened the fridge, grinning when I saw the crapload of stuff inside. Mom had stocked up for my return, just like I knew she would: orange juice with extra pulp, cinnamon rolls, smoked turkey cold cuts… the fridge was packed.

"You're up early."

I turned to see my father, who was fiddling with the coffee maker. "Yeah, I know. It's habit."

"Well, that's good, because actually… I was hoping to get to the car dealership sooner than later. You do still want that car, don't you?"

I grinned so hard it hurt.

* * *

Emmett appraised me from his side of the dinner table. "Already?"

"No time like the present," I said, shrugging. I'd been home for two days and had landed a job with a construction company out in Stuart, thanks to a phoned in hook up from Uncle Alec. The pay was decent, and though I'd be doing really physical, labor intensive work, it was all good. I already had been doing that all summer in New York, with my uncle, and was pretty used to it.

Besides, I was strapped for cash. I'd decided to put college off for a year, and I couldn't live in my old room until then. I said as much.

"What's wrong with your old room?" Mom asked, buttering a roll. "I thought you would have missed it…"

My little sister, Katie, rolled her eyes. "Please, Mom. He probably wants his own place so he can bring girls home."

I snorted in to my juice. That hadn't really been my intention, but now that she mentioned it…

"Come stay with me," offered Emmett absently, texting someone under the table.

I squinted at him, wondering if he'd been following the conversation at all. "Dude. I'm working in _Stuart_. You live hours away."

"So take the apartment over the garage," Mom said. "I'll clean it out this week."

Now that was an idea. Nodding, I took a huge bite of meat. "That'll work."

"Good, then it's settled," she said, dabbing at her mouth with a napkin. "And don't talk with your mouth full."

Rolling my eyes, I swallowed my food. "Fine. And, you don't have to clean the apartment; I'll do it."

"Pfft. You _have_ changed," said Katie, staring at me like I had two heads. "I remember when you wouldn't even make your own bed."

Yeah, that was probably true.

* * *

I ran in to Jasper Whitlock at Publix the next day while picking up a couple of things for my mother. He did a double take when he saw me, before coming over and clapping me on the back.

"I thought that was you, man!" he said, shaking his head. "Long time no see. When'd you get back?"

"Monday," I said, grinning.

"You getting in to anything later?"

"Naw, what's going on?"

"My place," he said, nodding at me. "Folks are out of town but it's nothing crazy, you know? Just something to do before we go back to school."

"You stayed?" I asked, surprised. Jasper had always seemed so…serious and academic beyond the swim team thing.

"What, here?"

"Yeah."

"No, I'm in Atlanta. I come back all the time, though. My family's here." He grinned slyly. "And Alice."

That got my attention. "You guys are still together? Huh." I guessed maybe I knew that. Facebook had proved pretty invaluable over the years, giving me glimpses in to the lives of people I'd once known and kicked it with. Having access to unlimited info wasn't always a good thing, though. It was way too easy to dwell on stuff I saw in other people's pictures.

I decided not to dwell on who Alice Pena was close to, because that situation was pointless.

"Yep." He nodded, glancing at his watch. "I have to pick her up, actually. So you'll stop by later?"

I shrugged, and then nodded, because hell yeah I'd go. Setting up the apartment had given me something to do, but now that I was situated I was getting antsy. No one really knew I was back, and a house party – or whatever it was — at Jasper's sounded like a good way to reintroduce myself to Jensen Beach's scene.

Jasper turned to go. "Nice. It's good to have you back."

"It's good to be back."

* * *

US1 was always such a pain in the ass at this time of day. I remembered that now.

The traffic slowed, and I silently cursed myself for having taken such a main road instead of a back one. Late August heat simmered between the cars, rippling up from the asphalt like a series of mirages. Thank God for my new car with its crazy-cold air conditioning, because besides the heat the humidity was intense, too. New York could be brutal during the dog days, especially in the city, where sometimes it felt like you could fry an egg on the sidewalk, but southern summers were just different. It would definitely take some getting used to again, which was kind of funny, seeing as I was a Florida native.

As I watched, storm clouds rolled in, further darkening the already overcast sky. Earlier, I'd considered going to the beach to see what was up. Good thing I didn't go.

Traffic had barely crawled a few feet down the road before yet another red light popped up. Sighing loudly, I tapped the breaks and reached down to mess with my iPod. Movement from my left caught my eye, and I looked reflexively.

Bella Swan.

Holy shit.

Bella Swan _singing_. Like, really singing. I didn't remember her being in to that, but then I saw she was just goofing around, apparent by her laughing. She glanced at me and I tensed before remembering that she couldn't see me through the tint on my windows. The tints Em had encouraged me to get, as dark as I could go before getting ticketed by the cops.

I watched her for a minute, remembering all the things there were to remember about her. Her big brown eyes, her voice, how we'd talk on the phone 'til falling asleep. The way she felt in my hands, all responsive no matter what I did to her, and the sounds she made. I shifted in my seat, assaulted by memories of her not-so-innocent innocence, somehow sexier than the perfect girls I'd dated up north.

All of a sudden I wanted her to see me, needed to look into her eyes so that I could ascertain whether or not she'd missed me, too. Over time I'd gotten good at blocking out the things that hurt, first with chemicals I could smoke or ingest, later on with distractions: schoolwork, running cross country, other girls. But now I was back with nothing to do but think and remember, letting myself truly feel, and to my dismay, seeing Bella happy with some douche in an ancient, rusted out beater _hurt._

Before I could chicken out, I pressed the button and rolled down my window, letting fate decide whether or not we'd make eye contact.

It took one second for her to see me, and another for me to know her feelings were probably just like mine.

* * *

Emmett's old school playlist ended, leaving the room still and quiet. It was the first time we'd really hung out like that since back in the day; some of the songs had made me feel near giddy with remembrance, but others pulled at me in different ways. Feelings of longing messed with my head and I quickly pushed them back, not in the mood for that kind of introspection.

"Just like old times," Emmett said with a sigh, patting his stomach. Rose had brought by brownies, and he was on his fifth.

I couldn't help but smile. "Pretty much."

"You going to Whitlock's tonight?"

I nodded, scrolling endlessly through the songs on my iPod, not sure what I was in the mood to listen to now. "You?"

"Of course," he said. "What else is there to do around here? Swear to God living in Miami makes this place feel even duller." He grinned at me, shrugging. "But anyway, Rose'll be there. Saves me a trip."

"Can't believe you guys are still together," I said. "I thought for sure your relationship had a shelf life of maybe a year, tops."

A pillow came flying my way, barely missing me as I dodged it. "I love her, dude."

I shook my head, remembering a time not all that long ago when my older brother had been so intent on being a free agent.

"Don't worry, we'll find you a girl," Emmett continued.

I sent the pillow back to him and sat down. "That's okay, thanks."

"Naw, man, I hate to see you..."

"See me what?" I laughed. "I broke up with Tia, not the other way around. And that was months ago. _Months. _I'm fine."

My brother made a face. He'd never been too crazy about Tia, thought she was high maintenance and bitchy. Kind of funny, seeing who_ his _woman was. Didn't matter, though, because for a while Tia just…got me. I'd never deluded myself in to thinking she was marriage material or anything, but I'd cared for her. A lot. Until I didn't. I never meant to hurt her, but I also never meant to stay in New York. We wanted completely different things, and that included the intentions for our relationship. In the end, the notion I'd worked so hard to repress for years finally reared its head: I'd never really gotten over Bella.

The irony that the first and only girl to actually hook me was the only one I'd been forced to leave was not lost on me.

Emmett looked like he wanted to say something. "Don't wanna hear it, Em."

He stayed quiet, prompting me to look over at him in suspicion, because when had he ever shut his trap when I'd asked him to? "What?"

"You see Bella yet?" he asked, totally catching me off guard. Of course he'd asked me that. Of course. Emmett knew me better than I knew myself, half the time.

"Not really," I said. "I mean, I saw her on US1 with that dork..."

"Garrett?"

I shrugged, not knowing the guy's name and not caring, and continued puttering around my room, separating stuff to bring to the apartment above the garage.

Emmett smacked his thigh and laughed, startling me from my thoughts. "I knew it!"

"Knew what?" I asked, tossing a pile of underwear and socks in to a bag.

"You still want Bella Swan, dude," he crowed. "It's all over your face."

Grimacing, I went to my closet and starting yanking clothes off the hangers. I wanted to deny what he was saying, but no. I _did_ still want Bella, and it made me crazy. It wasn't like I'd pined away for her the whole time I was gone, but I'd thought about her. Too much to have a real, in-depth relationship with anybody else, anyway.

I'd known – through the grapevine and also Facebook – that she was in a long term relationship, and while that definitely sucked, it hadn't meant much to me when I was still in New York. Once it seemed like things were serious for her, I'd kind of just… stopped looking. Time went on, and so had she.

When I got back to Jensen Beach, I was fine by myself, and truthfully, not in the mood to deal with any girl. After all, I'd just ended an on again/off again deal with someone at the start of summer.

But then our paths had crossed on the road, though briefly, and instead of the friendly, innocuous nostalgia I'd been hoping for, I felt sick, like I wanted to rip her out of the car she was in and put her in mine. Crazy. I'd never been the possessive type, not because I didn't care, but because I'd never had to be. It made me feel out of control and I hated it.

"Bro," chuckled Emmett, coming to stand beside me.

"Shut up," I said, turning to stuff the clothes pile in to a garbage bag.

"You know she's been with him for like years."

Years. Yeah, he was definitely tapping that. The thought made me rage, which was hypocritial, but whatever.

"Hey," Em said.

"What?" I said, fed up. "I know, all right? Good for her. I didn't expect her to stay by herself…at least he's around."

"Actually, he's in Miami, for college. I saw him once, it was so weird..."

I sighed, finally looking at him. "Why are you telling me this? You do realize there are other chicks in Jensen Beach, right?"

"Yeah I know that," he said, smacking my back hard enough for it to sting. "Do you?"

* * *

All afternoon I battled with myself, wondering if it would be too forward to show up at a place where I knew she'd be with her boyfriend. I knew who he was; I'd seen pictures of them together online, at the beach and going to prom, doing all the crap I could never do with her because I'd been too much of a dipshit back in the day.

In the end, though, I went. Jasper had invited me, and a lot of my friends were sure to be around. Life had gone on without me, but it didn't have to continue being that way.

There weren't too many places to park when I pulled up to Jasper's house. A light mist fell, so damp and fine it was hard to tell if it was raining or the humidity had taken over. I saw Jake's car as I walked up the sidewalk, and I had to smile, wondering what he was up to, if he was with anyone. We'd stayed in contact better than I'd thought we would. He knew I was back, but we hadn't made plans yet, so I looked forward to seeing him.

Someone walked out the front door, holding it open when they saw me so I could slip in. Alice and Jasper were lingering just inside the foyer, talking a couple of girls I didn't know. He grinned when he saw me, but she froze in mid-sentence.

"Edward?" she said.

Surprised and a little nervous from her reaction, I nodded. "What's up, Alice?"

"Ha," she said, giving me a quick, but firm, hug. "Jas said you might come. Wow. It's been awhile."

"Tell me about it."

"Beer in the kitchen, bro," Jasper said, pulling Alice toward the stairs.

I made my way further in to the house. More and more people recognized me, and it felt good to start reconnecting. Wondering where Jake was, and if Bella was coming, I grabbed a beer from the cooler in the kitchen.

And then there she was, looking at me with those big, brown eyes.

"When did you get back?" someone asked, and I turned to answer them. When I glanced back, though, Bella was gone. I wrapped up the conversation as politely as possible and wended my way through the light crowd, searching. When the back of her head came in to view, I made a beeline for her, tripping out because with a few miniscule glances this girl had me wound up and anxious as hell.

Her boyfriend was nowhere to be seen, so I sat down beside her, anticipating the moment I'd hear her voice again. Two years. It had been two long years. She looked up, her cheeks going pink right away. Her nervousness was palpable, and I couldn't tell if that made me feel better or worse. Maybe both: better because it meant I still affected her, worse because that shit was complicated.

"You avoiding me, Bella?" I asked, grinning down at her. Maybe if I pretended it was all good, it would be.

She smiled right back, and damn if it wasn't beautiful. Bella. A little older; her face had lost just a bit of its softness. "Not really. How've you been?"

"I'm good."

"How long have you been back?" She was fidgeting, and the edge in her voice caught me off guard.

"A couple days," I said.

At that, she frowned, her mouth opening like she was going to speak. Not knowing what else to say, I took a sip of beer and hoped the Douche would leave us alone a little while longer. Maybe it had been a while, but I could still read her – to an extent – and she had things she needed to say. I know I did.

No such luck, though, because her boy reappeared with a beer for her. There were no kisses or hugs or even affectionate words, just a comfortable closeness, and that was almost worse: their shared demeanor spoke of an intimacy so established they could just _be_. Like Emmett and Rose, or like…my parents.

Heart pounding, I sat there for a second, feeling like a complete idiot, before getting up. Maybe I'd call Jake or something, but I couldn't stay there.

Because I didn't know if she loved that guy, but it was obvious that he loved her.

* * *

I threw myself in to work. Long, intensely hard days in the stifling, late summer heat using every muscle I had, meant I was wrung out by the time I got home. Most the time, I was too tired to do much else but shower and eat before falling asleep.

It freaked my mom out a little, to see me going so hard. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I'd been like this for most of my time in military school, too. After my very wild, very debauched first half of a junior year, keeping busy had been the best way to avoid the temptation to constantly smoke and party. Nowadays, I was over all that… but I wasn't over Bella.

Even though I didn't see her, being in such close physical proximity made it all come rushing back. Memories floated around like ghosts, lurking around every corner: beaches where we'd gone swimming and parking lots where we'd made out or smoked. God, I'd been careless back then. It was a wonder I'd never been caught and arrested. I knew now that was exactly what my mother had been protecting me from.

I'd made amends with my parents a long time ago, when it became apparent that they really were trying to save me from myself. It took time, and a lot of refereeing from Emmett and even Katie, but eventually we'd worked it out. I couldn't bring myself to come home for Christmases or summer, knowing it would be too hard to have to go back afterwards, so my family always came to me. It ended up being better anyway, because we spent those holidays with family in Chicago and New York, with people we hadn't seen in years. Now that I was home, though, I couldn't wait to spend Christmas in Jensen Beach.

It was another quiet night and Jake was over, goofing around and trying to convince me to go out.

He still smoked, but he had the decency not to do it around me. As far as I knew he didn't do it much anymore, but I could tell when he was lifted. Like now, obviously. He had the munchies and was tearing through my kitchen while he accused me of being a hermit.

"I don't know," I said, yawning. "I had a long day…"

"Every day's a long day, Edward," he almost whined. "Is this really why you came back? To work, eat and sleep? You coulda done that in New York."

Shrugging, I leaned against the wall. "There's nothing to do here."

"Oh, right," he said, smirking. "You're used to raves and clubs and crazy shit. I forgot."

"Shut up," I laughed. I didn't bother reminding him that we had plenty of "crazy shit" down in Miami and West Palm, and that if I wanted, I could go any time. In fact I'd already been invited a couple of times by this girl at work. She was cute, but I didn't want to give her the wrong idea, so I'd passed.

Jake washed his hands in the sink. "Let's go to the mall. Your brother's meeting his girl there. It'll be like old times."

"Fine." The mall was close; I could come right back home if I wanted to. Maybe getting out of the house would be a good thing. I didn't have work the next day, anyway. And, yeah. A small part of me knew that where Rose was, Bella was. I knew from Emmett her boy was gone again, that he was always gone.

We weren't at the mall food court for more than ten minutes when the girls arrived. Emmett immediately started pawing at Rose and Jake got up to say hi to everyone, but all I wanted was to give Bella a long overdue hug. It was the first time I'd really seen her without Garrett.

"Hey, Edward," she said, giving me a little wave.

_Frig that._

Smiling, I stood up. "Hey, Bella." I grabbed her and pulled her close, just for a second. The girl was so warm, and she still smelled really good. She seemed a little skittish, but maybe that was to be expected. We had history, and if she felt even some of what I felt, it probably wasn't over.

Our friends were headed over to the movie theater, which sucked because then I couldn't talk to Bella. But she looked like she didn't want to go with them either, and then it was just us, sitting at a table in the middle of the food court. It was awkward. I didn't want to stare at her like a creeper, but it was hard not to. I'd always thought she was pretty, but now there was this depth to her that hadn't been there before. She knew who she was.

And she didn't _need_ me… but she wanted me.

Maybe she was a little older and lot more confident, but she had the same tells that she'd always had. It was in the way she kept sneaking glances at me, and how she made sure _not_ to look at me if I was looking at her. And the blushing. God, the blushing.

My stomach knotted up. Now or never. "Do you wanna… sit in my car?"

Her eyes flashed to me. "For what?"

"To talk."

She stared at me, probably wondering what my angle was. I couldn't help it; I laughed a little. "What? It's loud in here."

She bit my lip and smiled, a total Bella move. "I know."

"I'm not…" I leaned closer, and she did too. I liked her freckles."I know it's not like that anymore. Relax. I thought you wanted to talk."

"I do."

"Then… relax. I'm not going to seduce you in the mall parking lot," I said.

She rolled her eyes and snorted. "Oh, like that's so beyond you. You did try to seduce me in the mall movie theater."

That cracked me up, because she was right. "Yeah… I guess I did."

Her eyes shone in amusement, but she was blushing, and I wondered if she was thinking dirty thoughts, remembering the things I done to her once. Remembering how I touched her in the theater, my hands up her skirt…

I stood up, needing to be alone with her. The bright ass food court wasn't cutting it."Well… let's go then."

* * *

_Chapter 20_

* * *

The day after Thanksgiving, I headed over to Bella's with an armload of leftovers. I'd kind of wanted to head over there anyway, but when my mother had suggested I share some of her garlic mashed potatoes and rhubarb pie, it gave me the perfect excuse to go.

Bella's grandparents were still in town, so I wasn't sure if they'd be busy, but I figured it wouldn't hurt to stop by. No one could refuse food, right?

As I approached her door, I felt like a loser for being nervous. Things had changed since that day on the boat, since the night at Rose's, and since she'd left me that letter. I knew now that she felt the same way, and yet, she still had the upper hand. Totally. She was just a girl, but I wanted her to be _my _girl. Like before, but more. I wouldn't let go of her this time, but there was only so much I could control. In the end, it was all up to her.

Bella opened the door, shocked as hell to see me before accepting the food and introducing me to her grandmother. Her mom was there too, standing back, observing. I wondered how much she knew of what had happened with me, and between Bella and me specifically. But then she said hello, and thanked me for the food, and the moment passed without too much weirdness.

Outside again, I teased Bella about something her grandmother had said. "You were talking about me, huh?"

She closed the door behind us and fidgeted."She… was just asking. About boys. You know."

I shoved my hands in to my pockets. "What did you tell her?"

She hugged herself, yawning, going for nonchalance but I was having none of it. Bella was no actress. "That you were handsome."

"Oh, really?"

"Shut up," she said, pretending to be annoyed.

I wanted to hug her, so I did. And she wanted me to. I saw it in the way she looked at me, in the words she didn't say. Things were changing between us, evolving. She felt amazing this close to me, and while it wasn't close enough, it was good for now.

I'd missed this.

"Did you just come by to bring me potatoes?" she asked, her voice muffled by my jacket, teasing me. Always teasing me lately. She knew she could. It was like she smelled weakness, and got her sweet-sharp little jabs in whenever she could. I liked her this way…it reminded me of old times and meant she'd loosened up around me.

"They're not just for you… and there's rhubarb pie in there, too."

"Never had that."

"It's good," I said, pushing my face in to her hair.

"You didn't answer my question," she accused, pinching me.

I held her away, so I could see her face. "Let's go out. Just us."

"What, now?"

"No. Tomorrow. The next day. Next Friday, I don't know…"

"What did you have in mind?"

I hugged her again, sniffing her hair. "Dinner."

"Where?" she asked in this breathy voice. The mood between us was shifting again, like by going on an actual date we were really agreeing to something more.

"Is there someplace you wanna go?" I asked, wanting to know. I had an idea, but if there was someplace she preferred…

She shook her head. "I trust you."

As we finished making plans, I realized that out of all the things we'd been through, we'd never actually been on a date. I'd never taken her out on one. I kissed her cheek, slowly, savoring her soft skin and wishing I could do more. Maybe later, if she let me. Her eyes fluttered open as I backed away, and in them I saw the same thing I'd seen years before.

More than affection…maybe love.

* * *

When I picked her up the night evening, right around seven, I couldn't help but touch her hair. It was so wavy that it almost curled. I liked it that way; it reminded me of the way she'd looked after fooling around back in the day. I saw myself tangling my fingers and face in it and had to pull back, not wanting to rush it.

She was fresh-faced and wind-swept, a real beach girl.

The flirting between was getting intense though, both on our way to Caps Island Grille and while we ate. It crackled between us, like a power line tossed down by storms, bright, electric and dangerous. Back and forth, back and forth, until she admitted that she could no longer stay away from me. A funny feeling squeezed my heart. We were standing on a precipice now, steps from the point of no return.

I wanted her, in more ways than one, but I settled for holding her hand.

On the way home, I drove aimlessly, finally parking at the beach, not wanting the night to end.

"When did you realize I liked you?" she asked suddenly. "Before, I mean."

I cut the lights, thinking carefully before responding. "That day at the beach."

"Which day?"

The memory was clear as day. "We were… driving by in Tyler's brother's truck. You guys were sitting on the sand."

"By the Intracoastal…" She made a face, her features lit by the glow of the dashboard. "Well that's embarrassing. I was falling all over myself for you after that and you totally already knew."

"Yeah, well, it probably wouldn't have mattered but then Jake started liking you so, I knew who you were."

"Did you _really _like me? When we were together? Or was it more when you left?"

Was she crazy? She was the _only_ girl I'd liked. "Are you serious right now?"

She shrugged, nodding.

"Yeah, I liked you."

"Why were you so all over the place about it?"

_Ouch. Good question. _"I don't know Bella; I was an idiot. Why does anyone do anything? We liked each other… I didn't see the point of labeling it. And you didn't seem to care, if I remember correctly."

"Yeah, I lied about that."

I laughed, because that shit was so…"Typical."

"Typical what?" she asked.

"Typical girl."

"I know. I'd never put up with that nowadays," she said.

I was glad to hear; I didn't want anybody treating her like that. "I'd never do that to you nowadays," I promised her, squeezing her hand.

"So you acknowledge it was lame."

She had me. I shrugged. "I acknowledge that I was too stupid to know what I had until I didn't have it."

She looked away, smiling.

"I remember when I knew I liked you," I said.

"When?"

"The day after I kissed you."

"The day _after_?" Bella eyed me suspiciously. "That's a little backward, isn't it?"

"Yeah. But I liked a few girls around that time… I hardly knew you. I thought you were really cute, but anyway, the next day I kept thinking about kissing you, and how sweet your mouth was. Like, you didn't shove your tongue down my throat. You were all shy about it. That's how I knew."

"That was my first kiss," she said.

_Didn't see that one coming._ "Shit."

"Yeah."

My nerves were all over the place now, and I hoped desperately that it was a nice memory for her. "Was it… good for you?"

"It was perfect. I thought about it for days. I still think about it."

Oh, man. Her mouth was just begging to be kissed. And I wanted to kiss her. Have her, not for a quick hook up in the dark, but to feel her from the inside out. Is this what it felt like? Is this where we would've ended up before had I not left?

"I miss you," she whispered.

Almost shaking with need, I reached over and stroked my fingers along the back of her neck, marveling at the softness of her. My heart began pounding in earnest, and I knew that if we didn't leave now, I was going to straight up climb over the gearshift and do things we'd regret later. There was a chance she'd let me, I knew that, but maybe not and this was too important to mess up. It was too new for me to be sure; just because Bella seemed like she was reciprocating, it didn't mean she actually wanted to get physical _right the hell now_. Either way, she was worth it. I could wait.

"I should take you home," I told her, withdrawing my hand so I could reverse back on to the road.

"Why?" she asked, her voice warm and low.

I rested my hand on her knee. "Because."

"Because what?"

"Because you're impossible to read. I find it frustrating, and at the same time… I don't mind waiting for you."

We stopped at a red light.

I heard her seatbelt unbuckle and then she was leaning over, turning my face toward hers for a series of little kisses, each one longer than the last. I couldn't believe she'd made the first move like that. We were on the same page, after all.

The light turned green, and cars started moving around us. Bella sat back, fastening her seatbelt again as I went forward, but her eyes were on me. The rest of the ride was silent, weighted by those kisses.

"What are you doing tomorrow?" I asked eventually, once I'd turned down her street.

"I don't know yet. What are you doing?"

"No plans." I shut off the engine and got out so that I could walk her to the door.

I wanted to give her a proper good night kiss, but I wavered, choosing instead to hold her tight, pressing her body to mine.

"Let me see you tomorrow," I said, so quietly I didn't think she'd hear.

She nodded and held me tighter. Seconds passed. And then I had to. I had to try.

"Let me kiss you," I whispered, tired of waiting, unable to resist.

She lifted her face and I kissed her right on her mouth, slipping my tongue inside. My body reacted instantly to her, but I didn't pull away. After having thought about this for so long, kissing Bella was bliss. Her kiss was sweet and sexy. I tried not to think about who'd taught her to kiss like that.

"I love kissing you," she breathed, once we'd stopped.

I leaned down and kissed the spot between her ear and neck, a place I'd learned was especially sensitive, and was rewarded by a breathy moan and a shudder.

"I love kissing you, too," I said, tucking her hair behind her ear.

What an understatement. I loved_ her_.

Kissing was just icing on the cake.

* * *

**songs:**

**Passion Play - William Fitzsimmons**

**It's Not True - William Fitzsimmons**


	30. Fandom 4LLS Futuretake

_**Rochelle Allison**_

_**Starry Eyed Inside (Future-take) "Waiting All Night"**_

_**E/B**_

_**Rated M**_

_**All copyrights, trademarked items, or recognizable characters, plots, etc. mentioned herein belong to their respective owners. No copying or reproduction of this work is permitted without their express written authorization. Thanks to my beta, NicnicD.**_

* * *

"_**Waiting All Night"**_

_Thanksgiving Break_

_Junior Year_

"You ready to go?"

Distracted, I continue to rifle through my purse, looking for the phone charger I hope I remembered to pack. A flash of white wiring from the bottom of the bag catches my eye, and I yank it out, relieved I don't have to run back upstairs.

"I am now." I jump into the passenger seat of the Camaro, where Edward's got the air conditioner on high. It's November, but it's also Florida, and unseasonably hot at that.

Exhaling roughly, Edward backs out of his (illegal) parking spot in front of my dorm. We drive in sleepy silence for a couple of minutes, one of many cars headed off campus for the Thanksgiving break. We were up late last night, packing and fooling around.

I'm not as much of a basket case as I was this time last year, or the year before, but I'm still anxious. I always am. No matter how long I live away from Jensen Beach, I'm always happy to get back.

"Ugh, traffic's already a mess," I complain, staring ahead at the congestion on I-4.

"Good thing we have music," Edward tosses me his iPod. "And snacks."

I eye the fuel gauge. "And gas."

He snorts, side eyeing me. "You're never gonna let me live that down."

"Nope."

* * *

_Thanksgiving; Freshman year_

We'd only been away from home for a few months, but this was our first time going back. I was an anxious mess, desperate to see my parents, sleep in my old bed, and eat home cooked meals. Edward was looking forward to all that stuff too, but he was also irritable and hung over from staying up half the night with his friends. In our excitement we – well, _he_ – totally forgot to gas up. Thirty minutes into our trip we were stranded on the side of some country road.

"What do you mean, three hours?" I cried, frantic. Edward had just gotten off the phone with AAA.

"They're insanely backed up," he said. "Because of the holidays."

"That's crazy."

Edward just sighed, rubbing his eyes.

"We're not waiting here for three hours." I shook my head. "Maybe if I call my dad –"

"Shit. Shit!" He slammed the steering wheel. "I'm gonna walk. I have an old gas jug of Em's in the back."

"I'll go with you."

He frowned at me like he might argue, but then nodded. "Fine. Let's go."

We walked for about twenty minutes before a family in a minivan stopped and gave us rides both to and from the nearest gas station. They had like five kids and a dog, and they gave us juice boxes after bringing us back to our car.

Good times.

* * *

_Now_

"Remember the little disco ball?" I sigh, remembering. "Dangling from the rear view mirror?"

"How could I forget?" Edward changes lanes, glaring impatiently at a green station wagon going slow in the fast lane. "You kept pointing it out..."

"It was pretty!"

"Mhm."

My phone chirps, notifying me of a text. Flipping my sunglasses up, I peer down at the screen. It's my mother.

_How's it coming?_

_On I-4. Will text when we hit the turnpike. Xoxo_

_ok. tell E to drive safely._

"My mom said to drive safely."

"Tell her I will, but only because she asked me to."

I laugh, flicking his arm. "Shut up."

He smirks, the same crooked little grin that gave me butterflies at fourteen and still does today.

A good song comes on, one I made Edward download in anticipation of this trip. I turn it up, grab a bag of apple chips, and sit back.

* * *

"Hi, honey." My mother's grin is so big it threatens to take over her face.

"Hi, Mom." I squeeze her tightly, and then step back, looking around. "Where's Dad?"

"On his way. I sent him to Publix to grab a few things."

Edward kisses my mother's cheek, allowing her to hug him and tousle his hair. "Smells good in here, Renee."

"Coconut cream pie. Bella's grandmother used to make it, so...I thought I'd give it a try."

Thinking of Grandma Marie makes my heart squeeze. I swallow, wondering what she's up to today, if she's doing better. Since her stroke years back, it feels like one step forward and two steps back sometimes. I should call. Like she knows what I'm thinking, Mom glances at me. "I spoke to Grandpa last night. He said things have been good. Really good."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah." She nods, smiling, and turns back to the oven.

Relief comes in the form of tears burning behind my eyes, and I take a really deep breath. I'll probably call my grandparents tonight anyway, just to hear their voices. Years ago our family got together all the time but now I haven't seen my grandparents since last Christmas. I'm hoping that, come December, we'll all be together again.

Edward grabs my hand, and we make our way to the front porch. I know he has to go home – he's got people waiting for him, too – but it's always weirdly hard to let go. Although, it's way easier than it used to be. I've tried not to be the clingy type, but being in love can make the most sensible girl an absolute idiot.

* * *

_Thanksgiving; freshman year _

"Why are you crying?"

"Because I'll miss you," I blubbered, embarrassed. And I would miss him...but I was pretty sure a lack of sleep the night before as well as our running-out-of-gas drama was more to blame. Irritated with myself, I wiped my knuckles across my eyes.

Predictably amused, Edward tugged me into a hug. "You missed Jensen Beach, too." He was teasing, and he was right: I'd cried plenty of homesick tears in Tampa.

"I did. I do." I pushed my wet face into his t-shirt.

His fingers combed through my hair, which needed a trim, desperately. Mom said she'd bring me first thing the next day. "First year away is always the hardest. You'll be okay."

I nodded, getting a grip. He was right. Other than a couple of vacations, I'd never been away from home for so long. Everything felt different in Tampa, from the landscaping to the mall to even the weather. Edward had been amazing, though. He kept me company and listened when I needed it.

He was good for hugs, too. And kisses.

And sex. God, the sex.

It was _so _much better when we didn't have to sneak around.

I blushed, thinking about the night before, when Edward had shown up drunk and handsy. Stretching to my tip-toes, I kissed his cheek and pushed him away. "Go home. I know your mom's dying to see you."

He nodded. "I'll call you later. We'll go for a drive or something."

"A drive? After today?" I asked, thinking of all the hours we'd just spent in the car.

He grimaced. "Maybe a walk. I don't know."

"Okay."

"Okay." Tilting my face up, he leaned down and kissed me. It made me want him more, miss him already. "Bye."

"Bye."

* * *

_Now_

"You going out tonight?" my mother asks, settling into the couch with a book and a cup of tea.

"Nah. I'm kind of tired." This is only half true. Really, I just want to be home...engaging in mindless chitchat with my parents, snacking on things in the pantry and vegging out in my old room.

She smiles, shaking her head. "Getting old, I see."

I snort, plopping down beside her. "Yeah. Ancient."

"I take it Edward's not going out then, either."

"Nope. We said we'd take it easy tonight. There'll be plenty of time to party over break."

"I remember a time when you couldn't stay home at all."

"I know." I rest my head back and close my eyes, reminiscing. There are so many things, s many good things...

_...the inside of Edward's first car...how it smelled, how it felt when he turned the bass up real high. His face aglow by the passing neon signs on US-1. Kissing at stoplights. Endless days at the beach, slick with suntan oil and savory with salt. Talking to my girls while watching the waves and the boys who rode them..._

"Good to have you home, baby."

Slowly, my eyes open. Even this living room has seen its share of things. "It's good to be home, Mom. Missed you guys."

She squeezes my knee. "I know."

I wake up early, having had a decent night's rest for once. In the kitchen, Dad waits around to have breakfast with me while my mother moves briskly around, doing about forty things at once in preparation for tonight's feast.

"D'you need me to do anything?" I ask around a mouthful of toast.

"I'm all right. I might need you later, for the pies, but for now we're on track."

"Okay." I watch her fondly, glad she's sticking to the basics this Thanksgiving. We've definitely had some weird stuff over the years, mostly when she's tried to "incorporate other cultures".

"Still wish you'd brought the truck down," Dad says, peering at me over the top of his coffee.

"I know," I manage not to roll my eyes, but just barely. "You've said. About ten times."

"Hey, I worry about you so far away. Least you can do is drive it back every now and then so we can take it for tune-ups."

"Edward takes it. Regularly."

He wrinkles his nose. "Right."

"Daddy."

"Mhm." Standing, he shoves the rest of his bagel into his mouth before mumbling, "Bring the truck next time, okay?"

"Okay." I prefer driving with Edward, but my father obviously needs a little reassurance that he's still necessary in my life. I catch his hand as he moves away. "Love you."

"Love you too, Bells. Good to have you home."

Around noon, anxious to see my girl, I borrow Mom's car and head over to Alice's. Unlike Rose, who goes to school in Miami with Emmett and makes frequent trips to see us in Tampa, Alice is far away in Georgia. Our visits are pretty much relegated to holidays and breaks, and while it's better than nothing, I miss her a lot.

She swings the door open before I even get a chance to ring the doorbell. "AAAAHH!"

We dive into a crazy hug, broken up only by Mrs. Pena, who hugs us both herself. We're all gesturing and talking at once, and even though I ate breakfast I'm suddenly starving due to the smells of cinnamon and sugar wafting in from the kitchen.

"Her new thing is churros," Alice announces, linking our arms as we head for the kitchen. "Random, but delicious."

After chatting a bit and catching up with Mrs. Pena, we grab a bunch of churros and head for Alice's old bedroom. It's so much emptier looking than it was when we were high school. There was a time when snapshots and posters adorned the walls, when the bed was covered in stuffed animals, books and magazines. Now it's more generic, like a guest room.

"Is Jasper back yet?" I ask, licking sugar from my fingers.

Alice glances at her laptop. "He's like, an hour away. Got a late start."

"Oh, okay."

"Hey, guess who I saw this morning at the gas station?"

"Who?"

"Garrett."

My stomach does this weird flip, but not for the reason it used to. I mean, he was my first, and though there are no more feelings, I did love him once. A lot. Now, hearing his name makes me anxious for other reasons, namely an episode I had with Edward last year.

I trace the designs on Alice's bedspread. "Did you say hi?"

"Yeah, we chatted for a couple of minutes." She pauses, and then says the words I wish she wouldn't. "He asked about you."

"What did you say?"

"That you were great. Still with Edward."

I nod slowly, looking up at her. "And how's he?"

"Good, I think. I mean he looks fantastic."

* * *

_Thanksgiving; sophomore year _

"Shh!"

"What?" Rose faux-whispered.

"Just, shush." I dragged her into an empty corner of Jake's basement. "Don't even talk about Garrett. Edward's being a dick."

Visibly confused, she looked around to see who could possibly be listening. "Over Garrett?"

"Yes! Can you believe that?"

"But..." She made a face. "You've been with him way longer than you were with Garrett. And it was years ago. Why's he acting dumb now? What happened?"

"Ugh. It's a long story."

"Like how long?"

"Like it started a couple of months ago long."

She shoved my shoulder. "And why are you only telling me this now?"

"Because," I wailed, feeling the tears I'd been holding back finally burn their way to the surface. "You and Emmett...and I just...don't know."

"Me and Emmett what?"

"You guys are so steady now, you know? Legit. No drama. And Emmett's his brother. I didn't want to cause waves. I just..." I didn't even know what I was trying to say. "I kept hoping this shit with Edward would blow over."

"Bella..." Jessica Stanley brushed by with some kid she'd brought back from college, prompting Rose to pull me from our corner and up the stairs. We paused on the patio, where it was quiet. "Bella...are you guys like...okay? You did drive down together, right?"

"Yeah...but things have been weird. He said he wants space."

She huffed. "Space? What an idiot. Seriously."

"I know."

"He better not even _look_ my way –"

I shake my head. "Just forget it."

"Like hell. Tell me what happened."

So I told her.

Back in August, during our last week of summer, I ran into a couple of friends at the beach, and during the conversation someone mentioned that Garrett was lifeguarding. I didn't know that, and I hadn't seen him in over a year, so I went to say hello.

Edward found us, an hour later, chatting merrily away near Garrett's post. While he didn't look particularly pleased to see me chatting up my ex, he seemed to take it in stride. They smiled and acted cool with each other, and when I left with Edward he took my hand, swinging it as we walked away.

The night before we left for Tampa, though, a text came through.

_Carlie._

We'd been fooling around in his room, but seeing that name cleared the fog of lust with a quickness. I remembered her: she'd worked with Edward, a few years previous, at his construction job in Stuart. She'd wanted him, badly, and they'd even gone out a couple of times, but he said nothing had ever happened between them. We saw her out from time to time, and while she seemed sweet, I still got the impression she liked Edward.

Now, with her texting at 1:34 in the morning, I knew she did.

I snatched the phone up, shoving my skirt back down. We were both a little tipsy, and I knew we could be drama llamas at times like this, but I had to say something. "What the hell is this?"

Staring back at me, he sighed, holding his hand out for the phone.

I refused, clutching the phone as I stared at him. Edward had never given me a reason to think he'd stray, but I couldn't help but feel disrespected. Insecure. And I hated it.

"Really, Bella?"

Looking down, I read the message out loud.

_So I don't get to see u b4 u go?_

Like an ass, he just laughed. "It's not like that."

"Not like that?" I cried. "How does she even have your number?"

"Probably since we worked together."

"Did you see her this summer?"

"Nah, but she knew I was home."

"She –"

But he just grabbed the phone and tossed it aside. "She's just a girl. Don't trip."

"I know who she is."

"Then you know she's a friend."

"A friend who wants you."

He flopped back onto the bed, arms folded behind his head.

I stared at him, my heart doing ugly things on the inside. I'd seen Carlie comment on Edward's Facebook, but texting was a different matter.

"Kind of like you and Garrett," he said after a moment, eyeing me.

"You...can't be serious, Edward. I've seen him _once_ in like two years! We don't even talk."

"He didn't give you his number?" he asked, somehow knowing damn well Garrett had.

"Yeah, okay, to keep in touch." My heart sank. It sounded worse when I said it out loud, but I knew what my intentions were. I got off the bed. "I don't think about Garrett like that."

"You sure he knows?"

I made a face, not bothering to answer. Sure, Garrett had been happy to see me that day on the beach, and yes, I could tell he was still fond of me. It was painfully obvious. Regardless, our conversation had remained strictly friendly.

Well, and then he'd re-friended me on Facebook. And gave me his number. To keep in touch – platonically. Not once did I flirt or act inappropriately, and honestly, having to explain this to Edward was a bunch of bullshit.

"Heard he's transferring up north," Edward continued, watching me.

I shrugged, but it was true: Garrett _was_ transferring to a school in Jacksonville. But that had nothing to do with me. The fact that Edward knew about Garrett's switch and thought it somehow affected me was baffling. Edward wasn't normally a jealous person. He'd never had to be.

"So what?" I asked, folding my arms. "What does this have to do with that girl texting you?"

"Not a damn thing."

"Then why'd you bring it up?"

"I don't know.

I dropped the topic, and he let me. We left soon after, barely speaking on the way to my house. I spent the night tossing and turning, my stomach in knots. I couldn't understand why the whole Garrett thing bothered him so much, but it did – and I wished more than anything he'd told me instead of getting all passive aggressive.

Our drive back to Tampa the next day was hell. I was suffering from a night of no sleep, and Edward didn't seem too much better. Things felt tense and weird, even though we both tried to play it off.

That was the first time we'd ever really fought. It was disconcerting how quickly things had gotten out of hand, how we'd literally made something out of nothing. He thought he was right, and I thought I was right, and now we were just stuck. I remembered Em and Rose doing this on the regs back in high school – creating drama from thin air. Now we were doing the very same thing. I felt like I'd been snatched up by a tornado of crazy.

We did make up a day or two later, but things had shifted. We bickered more, like we'd lost something along the way. Maybe it was respect for each other; I didn't know. It was like our relationship had gone off course, and we were having a rough time getting it back on track.

By Thanksgiving, my truck was acting up so I had to ride back to Jensen Beach with Edward. We had a fight at my dorm because I was taking too long to get ready, and unlike the minor quarrels of the past few months, this one got nasty. We spent the entire drive in silence, not even stopping to use the bathroom.

I'd never been as relived to see my street as I was that day. I turned to Edward, intent on at least calling a truce, but the look on his face silenced me. Outside my front door, he set my backpack down, said he needed some space, and left.

Rose stared at me, incredulous as I wrapped the story up.

"So, yeah. That was," I checked my phone, "about five hours ago."

"I don't believe this," she said. "You guys never fight."

"I know."

"Does that girl still text?"

"He deleted her number and unfriended her on Facebook."

"How do you know?"

I gave her a look. "I checked, obviously."

"Ooh, devious."

"Yeah, not my best moments."

And they really weren't. That I'd allowed myself to be a suspicious girlfriend, checking into things, made me feel petty and small. But...whatever. Desperate times called for desperate measures.

Rose bit her lip, looking around. "Wanna smoke?"

I hadn't toked in forever, but it took me just a second to want to. "Yes."

She smirked at my eagerness, and then nodded toward the door. "Then let's go. It's dead tonight anyway."

It really was; not that many people were at Jake's and those present were keeping it chill. I knew Edward was somewhere, floating around, but honestly even looking at him made my stomach hurt. I didn't know what to do.

Space? He wanted space? Asshole.

I loved him. I knew that. But I didn't like him very much just then.

Rose and I headed to her house. As per usual, her parents were out, so we raided the kitchen and then went to her room to light up. We were just finishing up the joint – she was into these sickeningly strawberry flavored papers now – when my phone rang.

Edward.

_I know you're there. Let me in_

I probably would've ignored him had I not been high, but I was, so I responded.

_In where?_

_Rose's house_

I squinted into the smoke filled room, wondering how he knew where I was. Maybe I was just predictable.

_I thought u wanted space_

_ive had enough space._

As satisfying as that was, I was beginning to think I needed some space, myself. I didn't bother answering, choosing instead to toss my phone onto Rose's carpet. "Is there any cherry Coke left?" I asked, yawning.

Something tiny and hard, like a pebble, hit the window. "What the hell?" Rose screeched, racing over to it.

I cringed. "Oh...that might be Edward."

Cursing, she shoved the glass open. "Get lost, Romeo!"

I heard him yell something back. He was most likely drunk, meaning he'd sneaked into Rose's gated community. What an idiot; thank God her parents weren't home.

"Well, you should've thought about that," she was saying.

"Bella!" he yelled.

Rose shut the window and drew the curtains.

My phone glowed with another text.

_Come talk_

I swallowed, feeling the tug of war between my head and my heart ensue.

Rose plopped down beside me, packing a bowl. "Same kind of shit Emmett used to do."

Ignoring her, I typed out my response.

_maybe I need space_

That was probably crap, though. Because by the time the next stone hit the window, I was already on my way downstairs.

I never could stay away from that boy, even when he deserved it.

* * *

_Now_

"And that was it?" Alice asks, aghast. "I can't believe we never discussed this."

"I kinda told you. In that really long email..."

"Yeah, but you withheld most of the drama."

I shrug, nodding.

"So, what'd he say? He apologized?"

"He basically told me he was sorry and he missed me. He had an epiphany or whatever."

"About you?"

"I guess." I laugh, covering my face. "I don't know, Al. It was dumb. The whole thing."

Her eyes are all alight with the possibility of Something Romantic. "Tell me what the epiphany was."

"He said...that no matter what...he didn't want to lose me. Ever. And that even though he didn't care who I talked to, seeing me talk to Garrett made him crazy because he knew I used to love him. He said he would do whatever it took to make it work."

"Wow."

"I know. The funny thing is, I said I'd do whatever it took too, but we've never had to since then. Like, things went back to being...easy."

Alice clears her throat. "Hm. Well, I get why you're not too eager to catch up with Garrett, then."

"I mean, whatever, you know? It's just...that ship has sailed, and while I don't think we'd repeat last year I have no desire to find out."

"Word."

"Anyway, I should head home soon." I dust the sugar from my shirt, eyeing the last of our snack. "I told Mom I'd only be here for a minute."

"Yeah, go. We'll kick it tomorrow or something."

"Want the last churro?" Even though I know I should be saving my appetite for Thanksgiving dinner later on, I really want it.

"Go for it, gordita."

I'm too busy stuffing my face to be offended.

As usual, I eat way too much turkey, mashed potatoes, and stuffing. My parents and I waddle over to the living room couch, where we watch old movies and chat.

Around nine they go to bed, but I've recovered some so I text Edward.

I'm ready for a little one on one. Thankfully, he feels the same way.

"Do you remember last year?" I ask once we're in the car, coasting silently through the quiet streets.

"We were fighting," he says, squeezing my knee.

"And you brought me to that beach..."

"And we made up." There's laughter in his voice, probably because he's remembering the sloppy sex we'd had, and how we'd almost got caught by some kids wandering the beach.

"You were drunk. I never should have let you drive." I shake my head, thinking of the stupidity of that decision, as well as many others during the years. Teenagers aren't exactly known for their prudence, but damn.

"Yeah." He exhales roughly. "I know."

I grab his hand with the both of mine.

"Do you think about that often?" We're stopped at a light, and he glances over at me.

Sometimes I'm around him so much I almost forget how cute he is. But other times, I look at him and it's all I see. I remember _exactly_ what falling for him was like, because in some ways I'm still falling.

"Not really. But I was talking to Alice about it today. I realized I'd never told her."

"Really?" He seems surprised by that, and he should be: in spite of the miles between us, I still tell my girls almost everything.

"Yeah. I think I felt like talking about it would make it more real."

We turn down Edward's street. It's dark and chilly, but a girl on a skateboard rolls slowly along, holding the hand of the boy beside her.

Edward pulls into his driveway and pauses, turning to me. "It was real. Stupid as shit, but real."

"I know."

He nods, looking into my eyes for just a second before getting out. Most of the lights in his house are off as we sneak into his garage apartment.

"They sleeping already?"

He shrugs. "Probably. Or watching TV."

The inside of his old apartment brings back all sorts of memories. I half expect there to be Fanta in the fridge, but there's just beer and water. He offers me something to drink, but I just tug him back to the bedroom, eager to fall in and make out.

"Sometimes I think about it," he says, pulling his jacket off and dropping it onto a chair. "About how out of control it was."

"Like a brush fire."

"Yeah. Crazy, feeding off of itself. Reminds me of my brother and Rose."

"Me too." I laugh, kicking my shoes off. "Although they seem really happy these days."

He nods, pulling his t-shirt off. The topic floats away, leaving nothing but good feeling between us, and I welcome that. I feel all warm inside, looking forward to being this way with him. Things have evened out between us, but the physical attraction is still so raw.

And even though I don't feel the need to be with him 24/7, I miss him when we're not together.

He pulls my jeans off and then drops down on top of me, kissing my neck. I part my legs, pulling him closer, letting him slowly rest his weight on me. Dragging his lips to mine, he kisses me deep, and I respond, running my tongue along his.

He presses himself against me, jeans rough against my inner thighs. I open wider still, and he settles, cradled exactly where he wants to be, fingers working my underwear aside so he can touch me. He can make me come so fast but he doesn't.

Tonight, he takes his time, kissing me all the while. I reach down and unbutton his fly, urging his jeans off with my feet. Sitting back suddenly, he takes them off, boxers too, and reaches for my panties, giving them the same treatment.

I bring him close once again, wrapping my hand around his dick, touching my fingers to his softest skin, getting off on the way his breath hitches. Gazing down at me, he thrusts slowly into my hand, growing harder as I touch. After a time he lowers down again, lips on my nipples, sucking one and then the other into his mouth.

Inside I'm pulled tight, ready to receive and release. His mouth feels so good it almost tickles, and he follows my squirming until I'm nearly pushing him away, laughing quietly and breathlessly as he grins crookedly down at me.

He strokes himself once, twice, three times before entering me, his eyes locked on mine at that moment. We move languidly at first, slow, steady. He dips down to run his tongue along my breasts again, making me shiver in the cool air. Pausing, his brings the blankets up over us, creating warmth, and then starts to _move_, hitting it places I haven't felt in a while. Or maybe I have.

All I know is that every time we're together like this, it feels like the first time, last time, best time. Sometimes we make love, and sometimes we fuck. Sometimes, like now, it's a sweet ache in between.

Until he asks me to turn over. I do, and he's back inside me right away. I feel his mouth at my neck and one of his hands on my stomach, holding me still. I can't see his face, but I can hear his voice...and I know he's about to come.

Sure enough, his hand creeps lower so that he's touching me, urging me to come so that he can let go. I do, and then he does, and I relax, satisfied, body and soul.

Like in Tampa, we stay up late afterward, talking. He's laughing about this kid in one of his classes, and I'm just watching him, enjoying his smile and the way he moves. Eventually he falls quiet, and his eyes find mine.

"What?" he asks, smirking.

"You're cute."

"Oh yeah? That why you keep me?"

"Yeah. The only reason."

"Guess I'm lucky then." He dips down, licking my nipple.

I grab his face and kiss it. "So we got together around Thanksgiving. Remember?"

"Yup."

"So is this our anniversary? Kind of?"

He wrinkles his nose, thinking. "I guess so. We never really talked about it."

I snort. "It's only been like...three years."

"I usually mark the date from Christmas. You know...since that was the first time you let me tap that."

I flick his ear viciously and he grabs my hands, laughing. "I'm kidding, I'm kidding!"

"No, you're not," I whisper-giggle, letting him pin me.

"I am. To be honest I guess I don't think about it that much, you know? As long as you're with me, I'm okay."

"What if I had to go away? For school or something?" It's never come up, but I know it could. I think about how easily Garrett left and I have to wonder if things would go down similarly with us.

"Then I'd follow you."

"Why?" I smile.

"Why not? I can do school anywhere."

That warm feeling comes back, making me a mushy mess inside. I don't doubt that we're still abiding in post-coital afterglow, but it's more than that.

"You used to be so afraid to commit to me," I say, pushing his hair from his eyes.

"Yeah, when I was seventeen." He stares intently at me. "And you. You were _fifteen_. A baby."

"I wasn't a baby."

"Nah...look at Katie. She's fifteen now, almost sixteen."

Understanding washes over me. "And it feels weird to look at her and know some guy might want to –"

He closes his eyes and laughs. "Don't even say. I can't even think about it."

"Well." I clear my throat. "It turned out okay for us."

He looks into my eyes, and I see years of being together. It's been a good ride, plenty of ups and downs, and so worth any pain.

"I love you," I say, scooting closer so I can kiss his cheek.

"Love you too."

* * *

_Sophomore Year_

"What's up?" Edward asked, noticing my foul expression.

I shrugged, turning away from my laptop onto the bed. "I didn't get the class I needed, so I might have to take it during the summer."

"So?"

"So I don't want to go to summer school. I want to go home."

"They probably have online classes. And if they don't, you can just stay up here with me."  
"Stay with you where?"

"In my apartment."

"Oh yeah, Chief Swan will love that."

He sat next to me, bumping my shoulder. "It's pretty inevitable. Maybe he should just accept it."

"You're mighty sure of yourself."

"Shouldn't I be?"

I paused, noting his seriousness. "No, you definitely should be."

He nodded, tangling his fingers through mine.

My stomach dipped. Funny, I wasn't even mad about my schedule anymore.

* * *

_Now _

The next day Edward and I are hanging out in his parent's kitchen when Carlisle Cullen breezes in, giving me a hug. "I was wondering when I'd see you, Bella."

I smile and tease. "You know how it is with parents."

"I think I do," he chuckles, turning to his son. "Edward, your mother wanted to know if she could throw out those old surf magazines. They've been collecting dust for years."

Edward frowns. "I forgot I even had those."

"I'll take that as a 'yes', then."

"Well...lemme go look real quick." He jumps down off the stool and jogs off to his old bedroom upstairs, leaving Carlisle to snort in amusement.

"I have to go run a few errands, but it was good seeing you, sweetheart."

"You too, Carlisle."

"Give your parents my regards."

"Will do."

He tugs my ponytail and leaves. If Edward looks anything like his father when he gets older, and I'm sure he will, I won't have any problems sticking around.

"What're you smiling about?" Katie, appearing out of nowhere, slides on to the stool her brother just vacated.

"How hot your dad is."

"Gross." She snickers, giving me a one-armed hug. "Hi."

"Hey, girl." I give her a squeeze. "How've you been?"

She nods, biting down on her lip as she smiles. "I've been good. Really good."

I stare at her, narrowing my eyes. I know that expression all too well; I've never seen it on her, but it's one I've seen on my face many a time. "I bet. You're blushing."

"I am?" she squeaks, covering her cheeks.

"No," I laugh. "But you are now..."

"You're just like Edward!"

Memories of last night's conversation drift through my head. "Eh, I doubt that. But go on."

"Go on about what?" she says, rooting through the fridge.

"About...whatever was making you blush. What's his name?"

Sighing loudly, she plops chips, leftover turkey and a loaf of bread onto the counter. "Jaime Green."

"He goes to your school?"

"He's in my class. But..."

I wait for her to go on, and when she doesn't, I start stealing her Fritos. "But what?"

"He really only noticed me recently."

This makes my heart smile. I can't help it – I know just how she feels. "What does he look like?"

Pulling her phone from her pocket, she scrolls quickly to something and hands it to me.

It's this kid's Facebook. He's got dark hair and light eyes, and he's pretty gorgeous. I glance up at Katie, who is _most definitely_ blushing now. Hard.

Swallowing, I hand the phone back. "Is he nice to you?"

She wrinkles her nose, shrugging. "I guess. I mean, yeah. We like...hang out. Sometimes."

"That's cool. I loved those days when I was in high school."

"Yeah?"

Now I'm the one blushing. "Yeah. I had the worst crush on your brother when I was your age."

She rolls her eyes, but I can tell she likes that. I mean, she adores Edward, even if they do squabble the way siblings do. "Was he nice to you?" she parrots back.

"Sometimes." I shake my head, remembering. "He was my first kiss."

"And hopefully your last." Edward returns to the kitchen, squeezing the life out of me.

"Don't be creepy," I say, grabbing his hands.

He kisses my neck, and Katie turns away, suddenly intent on slathering her bread with mayo. Edward watches her for a second, his eyes following her every move.

Smiling wryly, he dips down to whisper in my ear. "See? See what I was saying?"

I shiver from the closeness. "Yeah, well, that's the way things go."

"Whatever. Just tell Jaime to watch himself," Edward says loudly.

Katie snaps her head up. "What? Why? Did Mom say something?"

"No, but I saw you two _saying goodbye_," – he curves his fingers into air quotes – "when he dropped you home last night. Right?"

"Oh my God," she mutters, grabbing her food and practically running from the kitchen.

I punch his arm. "You're an ass."

"I'm her brother."

"You're lucky I didn't have brothers."

"Probably." He laughs quietly, nodding. "Would you believe me if I told you my intentions were always good?"

I giggle, because...really. "No."

He comes closer, wedging himself between my legs, forcing me to look up at him. "Well, they were."

Because Thanksgiving break is so short, it's time to go back to Tampa before we know it. I spend Sunday taking it easy with my parents. We have an early dinner at one of our favorite places downtown, and then Edward comes to pick me up so we can drive back to Tampa.

Things have evolved over the years. My mom no longer tears up when I leave, and my dad chats with Edward instead of pretending to threaten him.

And anyway, Christmas break is right around the corner. We'll be back soon.

Despite the post-holiday traffic, we make the drive in good time. Edward brings me to my dorm long enough for me to grab my stuff for class tomorrow, and then we go to his apartment to spend the night.

After showers and finishing off the Ben n Jerry's that was in his freezer, we finally settle into bed. We roll on to our sides and kiss like we usually do: soft, quiet, good-nights.

But then Edward slips something into my hand and whispers, "Will you wear this?"

My heart drops to my stomach. I sit up, reaching for the lamp, but he reaches over and beats me to it. "I'm not saying...I know it's early. We've got time. But maybe as, like..."

"A promise?" I examine the little gold ring, fingering the sapphire set in the middle. It's my birthstone. I wonder how long he's had it, and why he's giving it to me now. Whatever. He doesn't even have to ask, although I love that he did. "Yeah. Of course."

"Okay." He grins, running his hands through his hair. "Good."

"Does this mean you want to make it official one day?" I ask casually, staring at the ring, which is now on my finger.

"Yeah...do you?"

I think of fourteen, and seeing him at a concert, and thinking he was the best looking boy I'd ever seen. I'd probably have promised him right there.

I think of fifteen and being kissed on a beach and losing my breath and maybe my heart. And I'd probably have promised him right there.

I think of sixteen, having my world implode and my heart taking forever to heal from that, and honestly...I probably still would've promised him then, too.

Seventeen. Eighteen. Separated by years and miles, eventually convincing myself I was over him but somewhere, deep inside, knowing that if he were to show up again out of blue I'd have promised him anyway.

And then he did show up, out of the blue, coming back into my life with the subtlety of a tsunami. I'd fought against the inevitability of it all even as I'd welcomed it, because it boiled down to this deep seated knowledge that if nothing else, Edward and I just _made sense_.

I've never been able to get over him, and now I know it's because I'm probably not supposed to.

Ever.

"Of course I do," I whisper, looking sideways at him.

He smirks, leans over me again, and turns off the light.

"Good. Now c'mere."

* * *

**Songs:**

**Waiting All Night – Rudimental ft Ella Eyre**

**Strawberry Bubblegum – Justin Timberlake**

_**thanks for reading, guys. that really, really, really is IT. :) thanks for indulging me.**_

_**xoxo**_


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